Mid-life crisis

It sounds vain and selfish on his part, doesn't it? It is. And when he works through his issues he'll be able to put different words to what he's feeling. Right now you're hearing how it's about you, but it most probably isn't about you at all.

I well remember a day in the midst of our struggles when I looked in the mirror and a 42 year old woman looked back at me. I wondered where she had come from. I was tired, hurting, and angry. I decided that day not to let this pit we were in beat me. That decision gave me the strength to see it through to whatever end was to come. You too need to find a source of personal strength. I don't have a crystal ball, I can't see your future, but I do see hope for you and your marriage.

Tino, I admire you for starting this thread. I'm glad you're able to see things more clearly now.

This is interesting reading, lots of good insight. I share J_B's admiration for Tino.

I'm trying to piece together the ages, Freedomelf. Your husband is 40, and you're 47 -- you have a 19-year old, so you have been with your husband since he was 21 or younger, is that right? I couldn't tell if you were saying that you are 40 and he is 33, but then he'd have had to have been 14 when your older son was born, which doesn't compute -- unless one or both of your children are from a previous relationship?

At any rate, if you have in fact been with your husband since he was 21 or younger, that adds another level of it all making a lot of sense (while not being justified in the least, nor your fault).

I think that's true, Phoenix. Funny, but he keeps telling me that he hates himself for being so shallow. He said that before he met her and went crazy with physical aspects, that he never ever dreamed he could be so selfish and think with his "member" rather than his head and heart. And there was a time a couple years back when I was thinking of getting a bit of plastic surgery, and HE was the one who convinced me not to, because I was "perfect" to him the way I was. So, it has only been in the past 2 months that he has been an absolute butt. You should have known him before that......you would have loved him as much as I do. That's why I really believe this is temporary insanity.

He and I have always talked about everything, so I'm not surprised that he still wants to tell me everything he is feeling now. It doesn't shock me what he says......I've always been his best bud as well as his wife, so as weird as it sounds, I would be kind of sad if he couldn't tell me everything now. And as long as he KNOWS he is being a you-know-what, and hates himself for it, it doesn't really make me that jealous.

I guess I was jealous of Brenda at first, but now....heck.....I pity her for being merely an object of sexual desire instead of the real enchilada. She is going to feel very used when this is over (or, at least part of me HOPES she will....evil grin.)

I believe she means it when she emails to beg me to give him up, because she can't live without him. I really think she is feeling that way now. So I think she will suffer a great deal in this.....and there is a big part of me that wants her to. Another part of me is more charitable, and thinks that I don't want any more suffering, on anyone's part, than has already occurred. I just want her to go away and find someone else.

And I want him to focus on ME and wanting to start over with me. I told him that unless I am the most important thing in his life, and he commits to showing it over the next few months, then he ought not to move back in. I even suggested that we BOTH start dating others, and of course that drove him nuts. It never dawned on him that I might consider going out with someone else.

I am getting the feeling that he may tell me tonight that he wants to come home......I hope it's not just wishful thinking.

If he DOES tell me that, I am going to tell him that I will "think about" it over the next day or two. I'm not going to immediately rush to have him home. Maybe sweating it out for a bit will help our marriage. I may even wait to the weekend before telling him yes.

Smart lady. I am not one to approve of playing games, but I think that in his case he needs to understand that what he did has some consequences. In order for him to value his marriage, he needs to know, IMO, that he is not running the show, and that you have something to say in the matter.

Yes, I think that is part of the mid life crisis thing. He was not quite 20 when we got married.....and I was only the second girl, until 2 months ago, that he had ever been with in his entire life.

I think that has a LOT to do with this whole thing......wondering what it would have been like if he had given himself more time to date beofre we got married and know what women were like. I think he feels like he missed out on "lost youth" and his childhood and being carefree.

He's probably trying to get that back. I had been married once before....a stupid teenage marriage.... and do have a third son from that earlier marriage. My oldest son thinks of my husband as a kind of friend, instead of father. They get along well, though. The two younger ones, age 19 and 12, are ours together.

Thanks, Phoenix.

OK, yeah, that totally fits. I've seen that often in both men and women who were married very early. Not yet 20! Wow.

Yes, I agree with soz. Maybe he needed to experience that freedom, before he will be able to settle down for his next stage of life. Let him "fly", but he needs to understand that you are not hanging around indefinitely while he sows his wild oats.

If he loves you as much as he says, the knowledge that you are perfectly willing to get on with your life, with or without him, may be enough to bring him to his senses.

I guess that is the reason I am willing to be a bit understanding......ONCE. I would definitely not tolerate this again. Of course, he told me this weekend that once he gets his head screwed on straight, he will never, ever, ever want to go through such hell again, or have to deal with all the work of getting his life back, again.

I do believe him, and feel he is leaning that way now. Of course, she is still a powerful influence on him. I really can't say for sure that he won't call me up tonight and tell me that seeing her made him realize she is what he still wants.

I'm going to be hanging on pins and needles until tonight when he calls....and trying my best not to show it to him. I do need to to as you mentioned, and show him that I can live my life without him, if necessary. I'm not going to cling or let him take me for granted. But he does know I really love him. He would be blind not to see that.

Wish me luck tonight.

Hang in there, girl. We're pulling for you!

My partner tells me that she thinks that's part of my problem too.

I had one other long relationship. My relationship from hell, that was essentially sprung upon me by an unplanned pregnancy [well, unplanned on my part, but I won't get into that] and when I found my present partner she was the antithesis of all the selfishness and aggression that I had known in a partnership before.

She's changed my life and I've been an idiot to throw it back in her face by developing an infatuation with a younger woman.

Now I see so clearly the infatuation was just a triful compared to the bond I have with my partner and yet at the time it seemed so important. I feel ridiculous, frankly. It's like waking from a nightmare in which I was a lunatic but then having to live with the consequences of what the lunatic did.

I don't have children by this relationship which is probably just as well because the tale about the son with the piece of paper absolutely tore at my heart.

It is a madness.

Very well put.

Freedomelf--

The First Mr. Noddy decided he needed a little fling to compensate for domesticity. Like you, he used me as a sounding board rather than recognizing that I was a wronged woman.

That marriage weathered the affair, but couldn't survive the reconciliation. He needed a sounding board, a best friend, a really hip mommie. I needed a grown up man.

Your husband doesn't seem to be giving much thought to you or to your kids. His focus seems to be: Which woman does he love more? Which life is better for him? Do you realize just how much he is conflicted and torn and emotionally wounded?

Don't regret your ultimatum. Fathers are very powerful role models. Down the road you don't want to be a retroactive enabler. I'm fairly certain that you haven't met your daughters-in-law yet, but you are an honorable woman and you wouldn't want your sons to treat them the way that their father is treating you.

Mr. Life Begins at Forty is messing around with five lives--you, your sons, the bimbo and his own. The only life he's really focused on is his. The rest of you are just shadows on the stage.

Good luck.

Tino, I wish my husband could hear you now.....I honestly think that there is a big part of him that feels exactly the same way.

He was so afraid that I was going to talk to the whole family and all our friends about everything (they know in general, but not details) that he begged me to promise not to talk to anyone about this. I guess that's why I'm here, because I felt like I was going nuts keeping my promise and not talking to anyone that we know. So I decided to get this out of my system on a board where I am unknown. I was going CRAZY keeping it to myself. I've not discussed it with anyone who knows us.....but I guess technically I am breaking my promise here. So I'm not going to let him know about what I've said on this board.

Does that mean I am being bad breaking my promise to him? I wish I knew. I honestly can't remember ever breaking a promise to him before. This situation is so unusual though.

Nod, thanks so much for the insight. You are right.....he hasn't been able to focus on anyone but himself, but I do think that is changing, as the madness subsides. If this truly is the last time, and he never does this again, then we will survive it, and perhaps grow even stronger because we will recommit to each other. He knows, in no uncertain terms, that we cannot survive it ever happening again. If this wasn't the first time, I would not be giving him the time of day.

And thanks again to Phoenix and JB and all.

Freedomelf - Whoa! Back up and read what you just wrote. On the one hand, I don't think that it is a good idea of airing dirty laundry to family and friends.......sometimes that causes even more problems, (like people taking sides) that you need like you need a second head.

On the other hand, an internet forum made up of intelligent, sensitive people (and I like to think that most of the folks here on A2K are like that) is a great place to ventilate and get feedback. We have no axe to grind with you. We don't know you or your husband, so we can give more objective opinions than someone who is personally involved in your life.

Please don't worry about breaking promises. You have a very heavy load on your shoulders, and it was important that you did not hold it inside of you. One of the great things about discussing your situation anonymously with many people, is that you can realize that you are not alone.........a lot of folks have had similar scenarios in their lives.

Just relax. You did a good thing for you and your kids!

Thanks so much! That makes me feel a whole lot less guilty.

Freedomelf--

Your husband is acting like a jackass--and he doesn't want anyone else to know. He really does want to have his cake and eat it too. He wants his fling--and the respect of his friends and family.

You are certainly entitled to do some discussing and venting. Being the audience for an ego-driven adulterer is exhausting. You need to keep your sanity for the sake of your children as well as for yourself.

Where is it written that only men are entitled to sounding boards?

Women, wives and mothers are all entitled to sounding boards.

Well, I have to admit I am pretty disgusted tonight. My husband IM'd me from work, and said he had lunch with Brenda, but that they needed more time to discuss the matter, so he was taking her to dinner too. He then started telling me that I "made sense" in my last email, when I told him what I wanted in order to save our marriage.

So I asked him if he was breaking off with her today. He said that no, he wasn't, because he still wasn't sure who he wanted more. He said that he had a "checklist" of things he wanted to ask Brenda, and that based on her answers, maybe he would be able to decide who he wants more. SHEESH! I got furious.

He said he would call me after his dinner with Brenda, and around 9 tonight, he did. I asked him what they talked about, and he said, "Well, I just called because I promised I would, but I'm really too tired to discuss anything. Brenda was upset with me, too, because she wanted me to choose her, and I couldn't. But I still don't know what in the hell I want."

So anyway, we were on the phone maybe 2 minutes....that's it. He said he would IM me at lunch after reading my email. I sent him the following email. Sure, it sounds stupid, and selfish and mean, but it is really what I feel right now:

Daddy,
I am now at the breaking point from all these mixed signals. Everything inside of me wants you back because I love you so much, but I am being forced by you to save my health and my sanity, and walk away from you. Sometimes I think you are trying to force me to make that decision just so that you don't have to make any decisions yourself. That way, if it doesn't turn out to be the right one for you, and it makes you miserable, well at least it won't be your fault, it will be mine. You always want ME to be the one to blame for everything, because you can't bear the guilt of what you do.

Today my chest hurt so bad after you IM'd, that I thought I would have to go to the hospital. Tommy said, point blank, that if I die from these chest pains, that he is going to ask the police arrest you and Brenda for murder. Of COURSE I told him that it wasn't your fault, but he doesn't believe me. He knows I haven't had chest pains like this before you left me. He loves you, don't get me wrong…..he really does. He even said yesterday that if you come home, and start being good to us again, that he will be glad. That is a breakthrough for him, compared to what he was saying last week. But everytime I get short of breath, or have bad chest pains, then he gets scared and really, really angry again. So I guess in a way he "flip flops" about you a lot, just as you flip flop about me...one minute telling me that you love me and miss me, and then next saying you don't know who in the hell you really want.

I'm sure you can understand him. He held my hand tonight while I was in pain and he told me that if I don't make the decision to stop thinking about you, that he will try to force me to make it, just so he doesn't lose me, too. I felt so sorry for him. He shouldn't have to deal with so much fear. It's bad enough he had to deal with all your garbage…..now he has to deal with my health, and fear that I am going back in the hospital from new problems. It's only been a year since my last hospital stay.

And another thing…..today you said that you wanted to find out what Brenda wants, and ask her questions from a checklist about how she feels about certain things. Do you have any idea how that sounds? It sounds like the robot in you is coming out again…..trying to make a "checklist" or "scorecard" and see who scores the highest amount of points in your book. That REALLY turns me off, big time. It is like you have no feelings or emotions for either of us….you are simply watching the rats from a distance trying desperately to get your cheese, and see who is the one who can jump through the most hoops for you. I refuse to be your lab rat anymore…..let Brenda do that if she has no respect for herself, and that is all you care for either of us.

So you see why I am at this point, and I am trying really, really hard to give you the time you need. But I'm beginning to lose hope that you will ever make a decision, and will simply wait for me to make the first move…..or die, one or the other. So….I'm feeling so much despair right now, I don't know what to think. I feel like I have to get the hell out of this.

By the way…..I told Will that we discussed what we needed to do in order to save our marriage, and that you said it "made sense" to you. Immediately, he said "Great!! So when is dad moving back in?"
So…..it isn't just ME that gets the wrong impression from what you say…..it is someone as rational and logical as our oldest son...and you know how smart he is. When I told him that you said you didn't really MEAN you wanted to come home right now, he was frustrated, but he told me that he understood you. He told me that subconsciously, you really DO want to come home, and you are constantly saying things that sound like you do, because that's how you really feel down deep……but then the moment that I get that impression, and think you are making a commitment, you start to get really scared that you are being tied down.

He says that it isn't that you don't want to come home….it's that you are terrified of losing your freedom to choose. But you are going to lose your freedom to choose ANYWAY, when I walk away, and you will be even more miserable than you are now. And you'll wind up with less choice, not more. That's what Will thinks is going on with you.

I don't know if he is right or not…..do you think so? If so, you have to ask yourself why you can be so selfish as to only think about YOUR fear of commitment, and the hell with what anyone really feels. You said that you always thought about other people, and never about yourself. I disagree wholeheartedly. I think you only did things for other people because YOU needed to be needed, and loved and put on a pedestal. You wanted to be the one that everyone turned to for help, because it made you feel good. That isn't being unselfish…..think about it and you will know that you have been very selfish, and are continuing to be so now. You want everything for YOURSELF…..including all of the benefits of love but without the actual commitment or giving anything BACK.

In fact, I noticed that when I was rubbing your back this weekend. Don't get me wrong…..I love rubbing your back, and I always have. But I've noticed something whenever I've rubbed your back. Not once…..not a single time….have you offered to rub mine. All the taking….. with none of the giving. That's the way it always is with you. I'm really getting sick of it, both physically and mentally.

If Brenda scored well on your "checklist" tonight, then why don't you just let her out of your maze, hand her the cheese and be done with it. I think I just need out of this insanity.

You know I don't want to do something that is going to rip my soul to shreds. If there is really a chance that I don't have to do that, and that you will make a commitment, then I would rather not have it come to that, for all our sakes. But I can't wait until I die and Tommy is left wanting to kill you for it. I have to think of HIM, and be unselfish for HIS sake. I guess that's something you don't understand.
Buggy





Yes....as I said, I know it was stupid. I just couldn't help myself, and I sent it already, so too late now.

It wasn't stupid, Buggy.

He has to know how you feel.

I know that it probably isn't much comfort to you but he really doesn't know what he's doing in my opinion. The mid-life thing, from my experience of it, is like a drug that takes over your brain and drives you to do things that you don't understand and look back on in bewilderment when you start to calm down.

How can this relationship with Brenda work? She is too young for him. What are they going to talk about when the passion subsides [as it inevitably will] and what happens when he starts to look old in her eyes and then he's got time to reflect on what he's done to your kids as well.

There will come a time when he is going to wake from this madness and see things for what they are.

I just hope that time doesn't come too late for you both and leave you both with nothing but regrets.

As you said in your first post the mid-life experience is the pits. Why does it have to happen? It just seems like a cruel trick of nature to me at the moment.

(((tino))) Thanks for helping me feel better. Good night.