Mid-life crisis

You know, listening to you put it like that noddy is so good for me.....I can actually laugh at how ridiculous it all is, and it keeps me from getting too caught up in his delusions, while at the same time gaining some insight, overall, into why I still care about him.

Everyone here has made me laugh, think, and better understand the whole situation.

I am not as spontaneous as my husband....I like to plan things and enjoy the anticipation of it as much as the actual event.....so I booked a weekend romance getaway for August 11th for 2 nights. My oldest son will be home for 2 weeks at that time, and my middle son will be there too, so they will easily be able to care for my youngest for 2 nights. (And I'll still have 12 other days to enjoy my oldest son's company.....he doesn't mind at all.)

I can always cancel if I give 48 hours notice, so if things go south before then, it won't matter financially, anyway. I emailed hubby at work to tell him I did it, and send him a pic of the hotel etc. He was thrilled, and said he was really psyched to go. So at least we have something to look forward to and maybe get our minds off you know who.

Have a good evening, all.

Freedomelf, the lunchbox incident suggest that your husband understands all about planning things and enjoying the anticipation of how someone will enjoy what he's planned for them.

~~~~~~~~~

I do hope that all of this resolves with your husband becoming more likable - and more caring toward you.

yes...I hadn't thought of that.

He was in a wonderful mood yesterday, telling me that he believes things are going to be okay. I heard him talking to his mom on the phone and telling her that we were doing great and that things are getting much better. I could tell by his end of the conversation that she was very relieved.

I hope he means it.....this is the same man who told me I was a "sleeping beauty" and that he loved looking at me while I slept......just a few weeks before he left me.

I don't think the trust will be back for a long, long, long long time.

On another note, I have decided to bring back all aspects of our relationship. The tests came back negative from the doctor, and while yes, I know I should wait another 3-6 months for more tests, I don't want to. The chances are very slim that anything is wrong at this point (considering he also was tested 3 months ago at her insistence.) Hubby was thrilled to move back into our room last night. I just want to START getting back our relationship.....and see how it works. If we have this huge gap in our lives, it will never get back to normal.

No....I'm not deluding myself into thinking that they can go back to the way they were. But we need to get some semblance of normalcy back, or she will always be a wall between us. We have to put her behind us, while I see if I can get back some trust in him. I don't know yet.....but why cut out a large part of the relationship? It's important to both of us, and we are going to try to get back our lives now.

I do believe that trying to see if we want to work it out without allowing any of the enjoyable aspects of the relationship to enter into the picture, is dooming the relationship to failure by concentrating only on the negatives. I think this way, he will realize how much he has missed, and find out all the sooner how much he loves me.

And if he doesn't....so what? I'm not out anything, and I won't feel cheapened or anything....he IS my husband, after all. I'm not the one who has anything to feel guilty over simply because I want to sleep with him, right?

Anyway....that's where it stands now. To all......you've been a godsend.

You are trying to save your marriage and you're doing what you feel is right.



Don't be bullied into pretending "trust" or into doubting yourself because you can't trust automatically right now. You have been hurt and you deserve time to heal. In fact, without time, you won't heal.

Good luck.

Well, best of luck to you, Freedomelf. I sincerely hope that after all this hard work on your part that your husband eventually emerges as someone that you can really like & respect again. It is really hard to know just who he might be when the dust finally settles, isn't it? Anyway, no one could accuse you of not having given the survival of your marriage your best shot. (Just try very hard to protect yourself through this very harrowing process, OK? )

Thanks! I will certainly try.

Best wishes to you from me as well, Freedomelf. Don't expect a straight line in forward progress. There will be setbacks and times when you feel the fool. You are no fool and you have nothing to apologize for whichever way things go.

Let yourself continue to react. If your hurt, feel pain. If it's anger, then be angry. Resentment, jealousy, feeling wistful for the past, and hopeful for the future will all take their proper turns.

You're right, it will never be the way it was. It will take a great deal of compassion and effort from both you and Mr Elf to make it through to the point where trust isn't something you think about. It can come back but it will be different than before. Gone forever is blind trust, but blind trust on either side is dangerous.

Hopefully he will learn a new side of you as well. An independent side that lets him know he'd better pay as much attention to how you're doing as you do with him. It takes time and it ain't easy, but no one ever said it was supposed to be easy.

my, ever so humble, advice is "never count your bridges 'til you burn your chickens" I think that about covers it.

^ yep, what he said.

Wondering how these situations are working out.

EhBeth--

Ships that pass in the night. We did our best, we're curious, but we have no "need" to learn the endings--or the beginnings.

It's normal for living beings to be curious. I'm sure many are wondering what's happening here.

Hello, and thanks for asking.

Things are slowly getting better, although they aren't perfect. We went away for the weekend and it was really good. He has been trying to raise my self-esteem, I believe, although I do wish he could do more. He still won't say he was not in love with her, although he now says that he knows he has always loved me the most of anyone. He says that he is here to stay, and that he knows, beyond any doubt, that he could never cheat again.

I really hope he means it.....I think he does.

We are continuing counseling but have gone to once every two weeks. I am hopeful that our marriage can be saved, but I know I will "make it" if it isn't.

I guess that's where things stand. Thanks again for asking, and for all the help I got here.

Freedomelf--

Good news. You sound both optimistic and realistic--a good combination.

Hold your dominion.

Freedomelf, if I can give you one last bit of insight from my experience it is this: The day I was able to move forward was the day I was able to stop waiting for him to make it up to me. What's done is done and can't be undone. His actions were never really about you. You were damaged, but not beyond repair. Although he caused your pain, he can't fix it. That must come from you and only time, effort, and a large dose of forgiveness on your part will allow you to put this behind you. Don't push it, you're more than entitled to feel every feeling you have, but he's still healing too. First you heal separately side-by-side, then you heal together.

Thanks, noddy.

I do believe I am a "war veteran" now, and can weather any storms that come up in the future without falling apart. He has reassured me 100 times that he knows he would be miserable if he were anywhere else, and that this is where he wants to stay to make it work. I believe him, but I guess part of my heart is still being withheld just until I see how it goes for the next few months. He mentioned that yesterday.....he said that he sometimes misses me even when he is with me.....he misses the complete happiness and trust that he used to feel from me. It saddens him, because it brings a wave of guilt when he realizes that he was the one who deprived himself of it because he was too blind to it, and me, before he lost it.

He also said that he is going to try his best to get it back. I can sense he is telling me the truth. He hasn't had any contact with her since June 7th, and I believe she is fading from his memory. But when I asked him if he still believed he was in love with her, he said "I don't know what I feel anymore. I still miss her occasionally, but I don't think about her that much. I am having more and more thoughts of you and less and less of her. And I know that I've never loved anyone, including her, as much as I love you."

Is that good enough for me? Gee, I don't know. It still hurts when he says things like that.....I guess I want him to know, with certainty, how he feels. But maybe I'll never get that.

JB, your words struck a chord with me....I hadn't really thought of it like that, and I see that they make a lot of sense. I will take them to heart.

Freedomelf - thank you for coming back with your update.

You sound good. As Noddy put it - realistic and optimistic. Good.

Hi everyone,

I was on vacation for 5 weeks and just got through reading the 8 pages of posts that I missed.

Elf I'm glad to see that you are doing OK. Mame nice to see you posting again, you were AWOL for a while.

As I was reading through the posts it became really clear to me that Mr. Elf is indeed looking for drama.

Right now he's still the center of attention. He's home knowing that you still love him plus, I think he realizes that if he was to pack his things right now he'd still be able to get back in to Brenda's life. In addition, he's the main focus in the marriage counselor's office and now he's also in therapy by himself from my understanding.

Having people from his old office stay in contact with him keeps him front/center there as well. No doubt the office buzz about his affair with Brenda (if she's as goodlooking as he said) has a few of his colleagues giving him the proverbial "high five" behind closed doors.

In addition, his Mom is probably telling him what a great guy he was to stick by you and work on the marriage.

It seems like he's getting away scot-free in a lot of ways.

There was nothing really new here. She had a difficult past and found Mr. Elf. She saw him as a decent man, much different from those she had previously been with, and fell for him thinking that he'd be her knight in shining armor. He in turn, looked at her as a woman in need of him and it gave his ego a nice boost. Really, had it not been her, I think he would have found another Brenda.

There's more to the lunchbox birthday gift....He bought that specific gift for a reason. Who knows, maybe she had to take her lunch to school in a paper bag when she was a kid and grew up with a complex. Nobody goes out and buys a lunchbox for a lover, especially in the beginning of a "relationship." So I think there's more there and I am also really happy that he didn't contact her on her birthday. Allowing that would have been a very, very bad move.

Going back to his being the center of attention: He's happy about it and I don't think he wants to give that up too soon. He seems to keep playing it along. Yes, he says he's slowing coming out of it but still has things to get off of his chest, etc. etc.

Elf, I think he's looking at you as a buddy. What he discusses with you is very inappropriate. He's telling all because I don't think he feels there will be any reprocussions. Let him excersize his demons at the counselor's office and stick by your plan of not allowing Brenda's name to continue to come up in conversations. It just keeps her in the picture that much longer.

Comparing your looks, bodies, etc. is very superficial. He was already at the point of sizing her up as to what she'd look like in a few years. If he was already thinking that far ahead then no doubt he wouldn't resist looking at someone even younger later on. Their relationship would not have gone very far. Once the smoke cleared and he saw her sun damaged skin a bit too often and she realized that he'd be paying child support forever, things would have certainly changed.

IMHO what he wants is a challenge. He's practially begging you for a challenge. There was a post a few pages back, can't remember, where you told him that you were pulling apart from him. His reply was that by hearing you talk like that, he was infact pulling closer.....There you have it.

He's NOT the same person you married. Something "clicked" for lack of a better word, and he's gone back to being a hormonal teen. If you really want him down on his knees you're going to have to play tough...A lot tougher than what you are doing now.

The bottom line is that it depends on how badly you really want him. If you feel that you cannot live without him then you're going to have to start playing head games with him. I really, really HATE to recommend game-playing but at this point he's back in his comfort zone and he knows you are not going to give him the boot. He's already back in the bedroom.

Again, he wants a challenge. It's so obvious to me. He misses the "chase."

Easier said than done but I'd consider putting him back in the guest room. Just to shake things up a bit and let him feel for real that he's not permanently installed in your life yet. Or all of a sudden you could tell him that you don't feel like going to counseling any more and give him a vague excuse. Obviously, this would be a bluff but I'd be really interested in hearing his reaction.

I am Sooooo against game playing. It's ridiculous because once you start you have to keep it up and make it look sincere or else you'll be found out. But honestly, you have to see that he's not who he was a year ago. He's changed drastically so you have to change as well. He's a teenager and you have to meet him on his own turf. Again, it depends on how much you want him and if you have it in you to start hitting him with some emotional punches. Because as it is, he seems to be doing better than all of you. It's waaaay time for you to take him out of the spotlight and put yourself front/center.

Moononice - great, great post. Very insightful, and very sound.

I agree with just about everything you said. I disagree about the games, and I hear your reluctance about them, too.

I realize now that when I was posting here before I was living in a very black pit; my head is out of there now, and I see how I was so rough on Elf and her husband etc. I wanted to apologize for being so hard on both of you.

Truly, I was just in the worst place of my life (so far) and I am back to normal now. So, if I get rotten, I have no excuse -- Just smack me!

What I think today:

I think Mr. Elf is a fool - I can only shake my head at the folly of some people. Here he was with what was heretofore thought to be a perfectly good woman, in a perfectly good relationship, with a perfectly good family and he has to go and ruin it all for some nonsensical reason. Yes, nonsensical. Because if he'd actually THOUGHT about it all, THOUGHT about someone else, like his perfectly good wife and family, he probably wouldn't have done it. And if he STILL did it, after all that THOUGHT, then he's more than a fool. Putting himself first... tsk tsk tsk... you can't be in a relationship with anyone and do that, never mind a perfectly good family.

I'm really sorry you had to go through this, Elf, but you know, you will be so much stronger and clearer about yourself when you're done... and that's a good thing!

Keep us posted!

Glad to hear you're out of the black pit, Mame!

... & I'm sending my regards to Elf. Here's hoping things are going well for you!