I know I seem very naive and stupid to many people here, and I have to admit, I was for a very long time. But I believe that it is equally stupid to go in the opposite direction now, especially with someone who has been your constant companion, best friend, and supporter for the past 20 years.
This IS a real condition, and it DOES cause a madness that is virtually impossible to control. Do all men get it? Nope.....but all men don't get cancer either. Does that mean the ones who do are somehow more responsible for the illness? Some of the people who have replied here seem to believe that it isn't and just think I should chuck the whole relationship and tell my boys to do the same with their father. I can't, and I won't. Simple as that.
According to some studies, 40% of married men cheat once. And 85% of them regret it. I don't believe that a single mistake can cause a person to become valueless and absolute garbage to their partner. It has to be more to it than that. And a person who is so unforgiving that they can't see that, well....I kinda feel sorry for them. To be honest, I would RATHER live my life as a naive, stupid, faithful optimistic person, than as a suspicious, unforgiving, and hard-hearted person. In the first case, I may get badly hurt by others. In the second, I would badly hurt myself, by making myself the kind of person that I don't want to be.
Hubby and I talked about so many things last night. He said he wanted to start from scratch, with nothing hidden anymore. He told me things that he lied about these past few months that I would have NEVER found out about, and that really made me angry. But he said that if he didn't tell me, it would eat him alive as it has been for a long time. I found out so much that he lied to me about recently, that I wish I didn't know....but I do believe that he is saying it because the madness is subsiding, and he knows that he is going to lose everything if he keeps doing what he did, and being dishonest.
I am certain he was being honest last night....there is just too much that makes sense now, but that I wouldn't have found out if he hadn't said it. And he KNEW that it would make me angry, and make him have even more trust issues with him. But at the very least, it showed me that he really was doing what he said he was doing.....starting from scratch, with no more lies whatsoever.
The other woman sent me an email saying that she bets I am gloating now that I have won. She tells me that he will be back with her within a month....he won't be able to help himself. Well, I guess we'll see.
He also told me last night that yes, he still has feelings for her, but he does know in his heart who he really loves, and that it is me. But he is willing to wait weeks or months to get me back, and he will sleep in the guest room for as long as it takes. He doesn't want to rush me, because he knows he has hurt me too much. I believe he means what he says at the moment, but we will have to see if he misses her. I don't know what will happen, but I do know that I am going to wait to find out, now that he is back home.
Phoenix, you have a good head on your shoulders and I thank you for the support. And noddy, JB, Tino and others, I really do appreciate all that you have told me, and I am learning a lot from all of you. But I really don't need to be told from others that I am an idiot. You don't know what my husband is really like. You don't know what you would do in my situation......heck, I think back and LAUGH now at the advice I gave my best friend, when her husband wanted to go and meet a woman that he met in a sex chat room. He hadn't even been unfaithful to her yet, but said that he had "fallen in love" with this woman in the chat room, and that he was leaving his wife for this cyber-relationship. I told her at the time that I didn't think I could ever be happy with a man who had developed such strong feelings for someone else....that it would always cause an insecurity that would ruin the relationship. I told her it was best to forget him. GOD I WAS AN IDIOT! Thank GOD she didn't follow my advice. It is 2 years later, and they are getting along much better now. She forgives me for my advice, and is trying not to give me the same advice now.
If anyone believes that I don't know that things have changed forever, that isn't true. As I said, there will be an insecurity for a long, long time, and we will have to work through trust issues continually. I will take nothing for granted in the future....when in the past I took everything for granted. I used to joke that if I ever caught my husband in bed with someone, I would know that it was a look-alike he hired as an April Fool prank. I'll never make such a joke again....and knowing that hurts. Security is out the window.
But does that mean that EVERYTHING is out the window? Nope.....there is still a heck of a lot here. There is a genuine and abiding love.....not just on my part but on HIS part too, believe it or not. Remember he CHOSE to come home to me after living with a woman who is a LOT younger, thinner, sexier and prettier than me, and who is new, interesting and excitingly mysterious. But he chose ME and broke off with her. Yes, there is love on his part.
There is a family with children who still need their father. There is a hard-working man who supports his family and would never dream of drinking, taking drugs or laying a hand to me or anyone else. There is a man who cannot bear to walk by a beggar without pulling out a dollar, or who will not stop to help if he sees a stranded motorist with an open hood. There is someone who provided me with a comfortable lifestyle when I chose to leave my teaching job 3 years ago to homeschool our son. There is a shared joy in both of us liking the same kinds of hobbies, movies and music. There is the knowledge that his family supports me, and my mother loves him dearly and vice versa.
THERE IS A LOT HERE!!!! And I'm not willing to grab my boys and walk away from that, to find a job, stick my son in a new school and disrupt his life, and change everything completely, simply because people hate my husband without knowing him. Sorry if I am getting emotional.....I do understand that everyone is trying to help, and I bear no ill will against anyone. I'm just saying that this is my life, and I have to do what is best for me and my family. And there are people who really don't know what is best for me, telling me that there is something "wrong with me" if I am staying. On the contrary, I believe there is something wrong with a woman who can be so hard-hearted that a couple months of madness can make her forget 20 years of goodness, kindness, honesty and passion. That's just my 2 cents. I hope no one gets mad.
