Mid-life crisis

Freedomelf- OK. Now you have a more detailed picture of where you stand with this child of a husband of yours.

If it were me, I would tell him that he needs to make up his mind, and then I would make up mine. In the meantime, I would tell him that I don't want any contact with him, until he makes up his mind. I get the feeling that he is using you as a sounding board, and that you are actually making it easier for him, by keeping in contact.

If he knows that your shoulder is no longer available for him to lean on, and that all he has is Brenda, it might give him a "wake-up call". I have the feeling that he is a lot more dependent on you than he wants to admit. Don't let him use you. If he wants to play teenage lover, he is on his own.

I think that under the circumstances, you are doing just fine. He may be "nuts" now, but that does not mean that you have to be sucked into his nuttiness. I would also tell him to tell Brenda not to have any contact with you. You really should not be getting into anything with her.

Hang in there!

P.S. Document every interaction that you have with your husband, and keep copies of the E Mails. If you do have to go to court, they may prove very valuable to you.

Yep, he's certainly being an idiot (or jackass) and only you can decide how much of it you're willing to take. Understanding that his actions are atypical for him and driven by a common insanity that might, or possibly might not, turn out to be temporary will only get you so far. Many marriages do not survive these events and don't put yourself through more than you can reasonably withstand.

He's a fool if he thinks little miss Boobs isn't going to look at him in 10 years and put him through exactly what you're going through now. From what you've said, he knows he's being an idiot and is so lost in his search that he can't see straight.

Keep your head high, freedomelf, you're doing more than enough to help him through his troubles.

Boy, you guys are all so nice and tolerant. I got mad on Freedomelf's behalf until I realized it was none of my business! I'm sorry, but he's just a jerk. First of all, COMPARING you to his side bit... uh uh.... that's rude, insensitive, and hurtful. What is the point of telling you all this? There's no upside to that. Second, dithering back and forth? He's going to see you, no, he's now taking her to dinner, he's going to tell her, no, now he's not. That would not be an issue in my house. I would not discuss this with him at all until he had made the break, and then I would think about it. I wouldn't even contemplate taking him back if he was still consorting with her. It's not even an issue - he's still seeing her!! Good Lord. You are all better women than I am, that's for sure.

Mame- The reason that I am so tolerant is because I have seen instances of men having mid-life crises. This is not the same as a perpetual womanizer, who needs to be thrown out, pronto.

I am talking about a basically decent guy, faithful throughout his marriage, who all of a sudden has this "fling" in his forties. For some men, this is something that he needs to "get out of his system". There are many women, who will bide their time, waiting for the madness to pass.

Again, what is the best thing for a woman to do has a lot to do with the state of her marriage before the craziness began. If the couple were basically happy, and had a good marriage, it seems to me that it is worth waiting it out, for a REASONABLE period of time. If the marriage was iffy from the getgo, and it were me, I would kick the guy to the curb.

There are just so many variables, and each woman has to decide for herself as to her best course of action.

<echoing Phoenix>

I'll echo Phoenix and J_R, but I have to add that I am very, very leery of a guy who wants to decide his future purely in terms of what is best for him.

Remember, he wants to enjoy his wife and his mistress and his spotless reputation among friends and family.



What's next? Bed auditions?

Maybe your man is Prince Charming (Temporarily Off the Rails) and maybe your man is a dangerous-to-others egomaniac.

Your chest pains are not a good sign. Chances are that you've got Stress Angina (angina means "chest pain") from a breaking heart rather than coronary disease. All the same, the physical symptom is a sign of great mental anguish. In the name of "Love" you're pushing yourself beyond your limits and this is not fair to you or to your children.

Hold your dominion.

I'll echo Phoenix and J_R, but I have to add that I am very, very leery of a guy who wants to decide his future purely in terms of what is best for him.

Remember, he wants to enjoy his wife and his mistress and his spotless reputation among friends and family.



What's next? Bed auditions?

Maybe your man is Prince Charming (Temporarily Off the Rails) and maybe your man is a dangerous-to-others egomaniac.

Your chest pains are not a good sign. Chances are that you've got Stress Angina (angina means "chest pain") from a breaking heart rather than coronary disease. All the same, the physical symptom is a sign of great mental anguish. In the name of "Love" you're pushing yourself beyond your limits and this is not fair to you or to your children.

Hold your dominion.

I'm afraid I'm going to side with Mame. This is insanity. I would have filed for divorce by now and forced him to make a decision once and for all. Frankly, I can't believe she's allowing him to drag her and her sons through this insanity.

LISTENING to him?! Give me a break! If he needs a counselor, let him pay for one! Actions speak louder than words. It's the truth. I wouldn't pay any attention to what he says when his actions are so clear.

Contact an attorney, Freedomelf. Make it clear to your husband that since he is no longer acting like a husband, you're taking your share of the assets and you expect him and Miss Silicone to share custody of the boys. (Something tells me this is NOT in her plans!) In fact, he can begin sharing custody this weekend. I think you need a break. Go see some girlfriends out of town and clear your mind. I promise you'll see things more clearly if you do.

And so will he. He's so caught up in his precious "feelings" that he's probably not thinking about all the practical ramifications of leaving you. I'd give him a sample. This guy needs a wake-up call.

I think the lesson I learned from my mother and how I offered to purchase a condo so that we could take turns living in our home with our kids was key. I wasn't letting him run off to find his lost whatever without spending half his time in our home being a single parent. I think it gave him a clearer sense of what he was thinking of vs what was actually going to happen.

I'm not familiar with this "mid-life crisis." Btw the Porsche in my garage is red.

Thanks everyone. Right now I am really angry because, well, he told me last night that he would IM or phone for lunch today......and of course, he hasn't. I guess he forgot.

I emailed and told him that I am finally learning my lesson. I told him not to contact me.....if he wants to talk to the boys, and they will speak to him, he can. I doubt that either of them will, although our older son might.

No, I don't want him sharing custody. My 12 year old will be 13 in July, and in this state a teenaged child can decide whether or not they wish to live with only one parent. I know for an absolute fact they won't want shared custody. To tell the truth, I dont trust my younger one around Brenda. I think he might try to steal something from her, or hurt her in some way. He isn't a thief, but he has told me that he wants to do something to hurt her. I think he would.....and that would only hurt HIM in the long run. It's best if he isn't around her, IMHO.

If my husband wants to take the boys out, AND if they are willing to go with him, then that's fine. Otherwise, my husband will just have to stay away from all of us (and from what my youngest says, that is definitely the way he wants it at the moment.)

I'm really really sick of this. Forgetting to call or IM for lunch is really the last straw for me.

Phoenix, a person can have a midlife crisis but why is it permissible for him/her to have an affair, destroy the family, and hurt his so-called love one under the "midlife crisis" excuse? Does having a crisis permit one to act like a jerk? What else is permissible under that excuse?

Sorry, I don't care if he is not a "perpetual womanizer"... if he's having a "fling", he's out of my life.

There is NO justification for this kind of behaviour. None. This is the same as saying that young men should sow their wild oats before they get married... it's somehow allowed and encouraged for men to be sexually indiscriminate, perhaps wreaking who knows what havoc along the way?

If you love your mate, you don't 'have a fling' and then justify it under a "mid-life crisis"... if you love your mate, you love your mate and you don't want another. This is the same defense used by a woman PMSing who killed her husband. You can't control yourself? Get out of the relationship. You don't deserve to be in one.

And in this case, he compounded his ugly behaviours by telling Free all about it. Is this healthy?? I have to ask her why she's listening. What is it she's loving about him right now? Actually, I don't think I want to know. I think this is very unhealthy, emotionally and mentally. Eva gave you good advice - get out of town, get together with some self-respecting women friends, and get a new perspective on it.

Sorry to be so harsh on this, but having a crisis is a cop out and doesn't allow horrible behaviour. Would that also justify murder? See how spurious this defense is? It's nuts.

Mame- I hear what you are saying, and there is a part of me that agrees with you. The thing is, after 20 years of a happy marriage, I think that a woman has to decide whether to ride out the craziness.

In Freedomelf's case, I think that her husband is behaving like a complete moron. I don't like the idea that he is actually involving her in his affair with Brenda. It sounds rather sick to me, and I don't think that she should be a part of it.

My point is, that after twenty years, one does not throw away a relationship without doing a good bit of long and hard thinking. Freedomelf can always get divorced. I think it would be better if any move that she made would be at a time when she has had the chance to gain a little perspective on the situation. Right now, I think that she is too emotionally distraught. She needs, IMO, time to cool down, and evaluate the situation more objectively.

Well, I am liking that you are providing a different perspective. lol.

Personally I would be wondering about those 20 years! "What the hell was I thinking?" "What in the hayll were they all about??" That kind of thing.

There would be no respect on my side any more, and certainly no trust. I also don't think there'd be much liking left. I would see him in a completely different light.

I wouldn't care about salvaging a 20 yr relationship if it involves a person I no longer respected. I'd happily kiss those 20 yrs goodbye and chalk it up to experience or something.

mame, I can understand how you feel, and believe me I have felt that way lately. But I do know that this is the only time my husband has ever done anything remotely like this. He has been a good, wonderful and faithful husband, and I have felt not only like I was the luckiest woman on earth, but that we were still on our honeymoon. I truly worship this man, and until April have never had any reason not to. That makes all the difference in the world to me. We had not just a good marriage.....but a great one. The kind that you wait a lifetime for. That makes the difference. If you knew the kind of man he was before this happened, I think you would realize that it is worth ONE SINGLE blip....in order to have him back.

Well....anyway....here I go again. I just got this IM from my husband:

I'm really sorry that the boss called me in for a meeting, and I wasn't near my computer to IM you. I was thinking the whole time in the meeting that you were probably getting upset, and it was driving me mad. Please forgive me. By the way, you mentioned that you were afraid I would just hurt you again if we got back together. I know that this would not happen again. So much of what I needed before from you, and didn't think you were anymore, I see so clearly in you now. I've been a moron. I feel as though I am seeing you in a whole new light. In a way that is frightening to know that I could be so stupid as to not have seen it before, but also compelling and exciting.

I do want you to know that I am close to making a decision and will stick with it, because I feel as though I'm feeling stable and confident in making decisions now. Seeing Brenda did not change that yesterday, even though I was too spineless last night to say so to you or her.

I'm glad of all the things you've done and do for me in helping me sort things out. And being so patient and understanding. I'm not trying to be distant, I'm trying to think. Please know that I am very close to making a decision, and that it is for your sake that I am taking so long, in order to be absolutely sure that I never, ever hurt you again in the future. I know I'm a turd. Just please bear with me a little bit longer.




So......like I said.....here I go on the rollercoaster ride again. I'm hoping things will work out soon.

Actually the colour of my Porsche is "Guards Red"

I hope this is true. You have withstood ENOUGH and it's time you stand up for yourself. Don't allow this man to disrespect you so and don't allow your boys to witness it.

All I can say, Free, is To Each His Own. It takes all sorts to make this crazy world go 'round and we need a little of every sort.

No jugements here on you, ok... just my opinion for ME. You do what you need to do to be happy.

Wishing you happiness, Free.

thanks, mame, I appreciate the kind words.

And believe me, if this ever happened again, I would not waste a moment heading for a divorce court. But I do believe that everyone is entitled to one mistake in their lives.....especially when they were so young when they got married, and never really had a chance to make their mistakes before then.

So...yes, I'll give him another chance. But, if he tells me that he wants to come home, I am going to tell him I will "think about it".....and wait a couple days. I need to stop feeling like his puppet, and be in control for just a bit myself. But I will take him back. I do love that man more than anything on earth.

Yep......it takes all kinds, and some people are just plain crazy, LOL!

Freedomelf--



I don't know this guy. I'm only judging him by his actions--particularly the way he is treating four other people. My opinion may well be colored by my unhappy memories of the First Mr. Noddy who wanted both me and the other woman to understand that this was very hard on him and if we would be sensible and just understand that he loved us both.....

At any rate, just because a worm can speak up and say, "I know I'm a worm," doesn't mean he's a handsome prince in disguise.

Has he told you yet how hard this is for poor Brenda?