Mid-life crisis

I'm glad you're coming to your senses.

Tino--

Some wisdom come easy. Some wisdom is hard won. Both are valuable, but hard won wisdom is also painful.

45 can be a bitch, baby.

Lots of reassessing, summarizing and stuff.

I'd love to hear what you think of the whole thing.

Life, that is.

Time will heal...

...the most important thing is to accept that you have made an error of jugement and do everything you can to make amends to those you have hurt.

It may mean self sacrifice on your part, but the main thing is acceptance...of what you have done, and the way life is.

Men of a certain age (and some women) always seem to think the grass is greener.... and then often THIS IS as good as it gets!

It may take time to build bridges and mend hearts...but it can be done, depends how much value it and want it back...

S
x

You sound like my husband.

At the moment, he is living with a male friend trying to decide if he loves me and the kids more, or if he loves his sweet young thing that he suddenly left me for, without warning, more. He lived with her for a month before deciding that he wasn't sure he loved her as much as me....and he started getting afraid of throwing his life away. But he still isn't sure. She keeps telling him she will die without him, and he feels like he is falling apart. I think he wants to keep BOTH of us, but of course I won't stand for that.

I know he loves me. He keeps telling me that he thinks he is in love with her because she is EXACTLY like I was when we first met so many years ago. He says that the resemblance, and the youth, and the energy, and even the way she talks, is SCARY because it is so much like me. It's like he has me, and his youth, all over again.

I told him if he comes home we can start from scratch and rebuild our lives again, since we have always been in love.....in fact, I can't remember a serious argument that we have ever had. He isn't sure it's possible. I'm beginning to think that if he doesn't decide soon, I will NOT take him back. I'm tired of waiting for him....it's been nearly 2 months since he shocked us with this revelation. It cant' go on forever.

Of course, the boys hate their father now, and want nothing to do with him, and that kills him. He is blaming me for that, and it is NOT my fault. They are 12 and 19, and have their own minds.

Yep....I agree.....mid-life crises are the pits.

I'm glad YOU have come to your senses.....I hope my husband will do the same.

I'm sorry to hear all you've been through, Freedomelf. But honestly, there is no possible way he could return and start from scratch. There is too much history, too much guilt, and his children won't let him forget his betrayal even if you try to be a saint. (And frankly, you shouldn't. The guy owes you, big time!)

And he knows this.

No matter what you say now, he will have a very long way to go to regain your trust.

He knows this, too.

The man has been a fool, and he is just now realizing it. Too bad he couldn't have realized it before he destroyed his life and messed up yours and his sons'. He will have to pay the consequences for it now. That's life in the big city.

What a heavy thread.
Best of wishes to both of you Freedomelf and Tino.

Yup, been there. Not to the actual moving out part, but we definitely weathered a significant mid-life crisis. It wasn't easy and it took years but we did recover from the hurt and have been able to build a much stronger relationship than before.

I oftentimes say that's there's a fine line between total trust by one partner and feeling taken for granted by the other. It was this episode that drove that line home to me. My trust was implicit, he felt invisible or unnecessary. I didn't pay attention, he didn't ask me to. I was MOM, he want a wife. Neither of us was to blame and we both were responsible for how our relationship had settled into 'comfort'.

Freedomelf, welcome to A2K. Right now your relationship is in the pits. Your husband has moved out and is expressing total confusion about what he wants from life. As hard as it is on you, his feelings are quite normal. While he is assessing his life and looking ahead, you should be doing the same. What do you want next? Is he part of the picture - maybe not right now, but is your marriage worth fighting for?

I have no idea what he's thinking or what you're thinking, but I can say that it's possible to work through these kinds of issues as long as you both want it to work.

Good luck!

Thanks so much! I appreciate the kind words.

I've loved that man for so long, I can't imagine there ever coming a time when I wouldn't love him. Even now. I'm mad as heck, but I do want him back with all my heart.

He told me this weekend that he knows that if he comes back, he will never, ever do this again. He says that the pain that he has put himself and everyone else through is so great, he just wants to die all the time. It's no longer fun with her....it's no longer fun with anyone. All there is is pain and guilt. He still cares for her, but he thinks he loves me more. He just doesn't know for sure....and he isn't sure he should come back, because he feels like dirt and thinks I would be better off without him.

So anyway, he is staying with a good friend, trying to get his head together. And of course she calls him and begs him to come back to her. So he has to deal with that and all the promises he made to her, and all the lies he told her about not loving his wife anymore.

He told me that he is having lunch with her tomorrow and will tell her, in no uncertain terms, that he is going to try to work on his marriage and see if we can get back together again. He has also promised to wear his wedding ring at all times now (he had taken it off while he was living with her, and just started wearing it again last week.) He promised he won't take it off when he takes her to lunch tomorrow (something that I agreed he should do....mainly because I didn't want him talking to her at her house, and he said he couldn't break it to her over the phone.)

Anyway, I told him that he would have to really show me, in no uncertain terms, that he loved me more than anyone. If he isn't absolutely sure of that, there is no way on earth I will take him back. I also gave him two more weeks to decide, once and for all, if he was going to commit to our marriage and me. I told him if he doesn't decide by then, that I was making the decision for him, once and for all, and that I would never see him again. He would have to pick up the kids and drop them off....IF they will even choose to see him.

I don't know whether it was a mistake to issue an ultimatum, or not. I know guys don't like them....but heck, it's been nearly two MONTHS! What does he expect, me to wait till Christmas? I'm going to be sorry I issued it, though, if he can't decide by then. But heck, if he can't, then I will probably be better off alone in the long run.

I just hope he can. Thanks again. I am very grateful for the support. You guys sure are wonderful to a newbie.

Ah, the replies on here have struck so many chords with me. I understand what Eva is saying "This guy owes you big time" and "That's life in the big city" because that's exactly how I felt when I heard about cases like mine before I experienced it for myself.

I'm sure that Freedomelf's husband will make the right decision and that the healing process can begin soon. If he doesn't make the right decision I feel sure that he will regret it for the rest of his life.

As Smorgs says I have had to accept the way that reality is at the moment and get on with life from there.

It's so strange - there was nothing in my experience to prepare me for this - but as soon as I did come to my senses I realised how absolutely I cherish and love my partner. I can't expect others to understand it unless they have been there as JB has. It's a kind of madness I guess.

Tino...I wasn't trying to be flip. Sorry if it came across that way.

Freedomelf has every right to be angry about this, but it sounds like she is burying that anger in order to salvage her marriage. It won't work. If she doesn't allow herself to express that anger openly, it will turn inward and cause her very serious problems in the long run. I was trying to give her the opportunity to express some rage here.

Anger is one of the things she will need to work through. It's a natural part of the process. My hope is that she and her husband will find a good counselor to help them sort through all of this productively.

As far as my remark, "That's life in the big city" goes... that was my way of saying that her husband is a grown man, and he knows he's going to have to pay the consequences for what he's done. Actually, that's a good thing. Too many adults can't accept that there will be consequences for their decisions. Since he already accepts this, they have a better-than-average shot at making it through this.

Yep, I agree. Wikipedia calls it "limerence" and says that it is really close to madness.

Funny, I gave my husband the article on limerence and asked him if it sounded familiar. He said that he honestly believes that could be what he feels for her, but he can't seem to help himself. His brain is going one way, and the parts of him that are down south are going another way. But he did say that he could feel it beginning to wear off, and right now all he is is miserable. He also said that she does have an irritating side, that he never noticed until the past month.

He's only known her for 3 months, so he went off and started living with her just a month after they started working together every day. He told me that before he met her, it never even DAWNED on him to cheat on me, in all the time that we have been married! Crazy, huh? That he can go for 20 years without even thinking about it, and suddenly within a month, he's nuts?

He also told me insane things, like the first day he met her and she came into his office to get acquainted, that the moment she left he actually had to lock his office door and, um....."do something".....just so that his bulge wouldn't be too obvious for the rest of the day. Can you imagine him TELLING me that???? And she has emailed me to tell me that she couldn't help herself, and it was "love at first sight" for her as well....and that she will "die" if he chooses to come back to me.

It's obvious he didn't know anything bad about her before then. Unlike me....he knows ALL my faults, and I can't hide them even if I tried. He did tell me this weekend that my faults aren't very bad. He sometimes hates my Irish temper, that starts yelling at him when he does something wrong or forgets our anniversary, but he says it is also heartwarming to know that I get over it so quickly, give him a hug and I never throw it up in his face later, so he doesn't mind too much. And I WILL try to overcome that in the future.

Thanks for the hope.

I'm not sure about madness, but it's certainly maddening.

Freedomelf, ultimatums have a way of coming back to bite you in the butt. If your husband is in the midst of a true mid-life crisis then a month or two will not be enough time for him to work through his issues. It's possible he was unhappy for quite some time before he left and has now truly learned that the grass is alway greener, but it's equally possible that he is so deep in his well of despair that an ultimatum will only mean he sees no way to find happiness with you again.

If by giving him an ultimatum you are trying to shock him back into reality then it probably won't work. If you're saying you aren't going to put up with this any longer and will move on for your own sanity then go for it. Be very clear in your own mind what you are trying to accomplish before you proceed.

Many years ago my mother told me a story of how my father was questioning his commitment to her. She told him she would leave and he could be a single parent and he could find someone else to raise his children. He decided he was committed to her after all. I never forgot that story and I made a similar offer to my husband. We could buy a condo and take turns moving in and out of the house, two weeks at a time, so that we didn't have to live together and our children would not be uprooted. I had never agreed to be a single parent and would never agree to be one. He could leave me, but there was no way in hell he was leaving his children, nor was I. We didn't buy the condo, he never moved out, and we were able to build a relationship that was better than ever. It didn't happen within months, more like years, but it was well worth it.

That's true, too, Eva. I AM furious at him.....but I love him so much and I am so afraid of losing him that the fear is outweighing the anger right now.

I am furious that he is putting our sons through this....particularly our 12 year old. You know, the day he told me, out of the blue, that he was leaving me for her THAT DAY, he announced to the kids that he was leaving, but that he would always be back for visits. I asked him to talk to me in the bedroom for a while, and we talked for hours.

During our conversation, he suddenly said, "God! I am an IDIOT! I know you are right." So we went out into the living room and he apologized to the kids, telling them that he was temporarily insane, and that he would NEVER leave mom.

So my 12 year old asked him to sign a paper saying that he was NEVER going to leave us. He laughed and said "write up anything, and I'll sign it." So my son started laughing, and went to the computer and said "As of April 3rd, I love my wife more than ANYTHING on earth, and much more than any assorted bimbos at work. I will never leave her." And he handed it to him to sign.

My husband signed it and even wrote "Double sure for my sweet Buggy" (buggy is my nickname). And he put three little hearts on it....one for me and each of the boys.

The very next day, he went off to work telling me that he was going to tell her that he can't work with her anymore, and that he was going to another department (which luckily, he had been offered and was still open.) Well, I get an email from work saying that he changed his mind again, and wasn't coming home.

When my son caught me crying, he ran to get the paper and said "Daddy would NOT lie to us about this! He will be home, Mom....he PROMISED!" He was so sure that daddy wouldn't do that.

Well....he didn't come home. He didn't even bother to pick up clothes until he knew that no one would be home. Then he came in like a thief and cleared his closet out, leaving me a note because he couldn't face us.

He is still depositing his check on auto-deposit, just like always. And since he started living with his old friend he isn't spending money like there is no tomorrow, and I am still in charge of the budget. He doesn't seem to be able to think of any of the practical things....just the emotional ones right now. He is so focussed on his confusion I am still handling everything.

And who did he run to last week when he had a toothache? Of course....he called me from work and begged me to get him in to see a dentist that day. It hurt so bad. He certainly didn't ask HER to find him one!

So you can see why my son is devastated. And yes, I am furious about that. It will take a long time for us to heal.

That's what I'm afraid of, JB......I wish I hadn't issued the ultimatum now. But after two months, I'm just so sick of this, I couldn't help myself.

I guess I will try not saying it again and see if he thinks I've gotten over it. I am not going to be too available, because I dont' think that will work either. I guess I'm just going to try being less emotional.

grrrr.......I wish I knew for sure how to act around him to get him to come to his senses, but at the same time not drive him away.

It's hard, but try telling yourself that it isn't about you. He isn't trying to leave you, he isn't trying to leave the kids, he's trying to FIND something - lost youth, lost opportunity, freedom from responsibility, you name it chances are he's trying to find it. In doing so he is at great risk of losing everything, hence the insanity of it all. Again, I'm speaking in very general terms because I don't know you or your husband but everything you have described is maddeningly normal. How old is your husband? Has his career reached a pinacle? Does he look ahead and see forty more years of the same old life? Scary thoughts indeed; it's hard for him to fathom without panic.

If you ride through this with him your relationship will probably change, hopefully for the better. It isn't an easy ride but if your marriage had a strong foundation then it can survive this trial.

I thought we had the strongest foundation possible, and he says himself that he never thought about cheating until a month before he left me, when him and this girl first met.

Yes, I do think he is going through a mid life crisis. He is 7 years younger than me, and at age 40, I guess he worries about it. He tells me that I look "amazing" right now, but he is terrified of what I am going to look like in 10 years. And with her, he can be sure that she won't be gray or have wrinkles in 10 years, like he is afraid of with me.

He admitted that if it were just the face, that I am actually prettier than she is, even though she is 11 years younger than me. But he says that he never really looks at her face, lol. She wears a size 2 jeans and a size 42DDD bra (he doesn't know for sure the size, but she's huge in that department, according to him. She told him she had implants, which is something I DON'T want and wont get....not even for him). I wear a size 38C bra and a size 10 jean. I'm not a slob but I certainly can't compete in the body department with her! She is probably 25 or 30 lbs less than I am, and is a part time yoga instructor. I run 2 miles every day but that's about it.

So anyway, whether it is my age that scares him or what, I guess the mid-life 40 thing is really something.

He did email me a half hour ago, to tell me that he was still going to lunch with her today to tell her how he felt. He said that he wasn't feeling well, mostly from the stress thinking about their lunch today, and couldn't WAIT to get it over with and finish the day. He didn't tell me exactly what he felt or what he was going to say to her, but he did sign his email with "Love you, Buggy".....so I'm hoping. He said in the email that he would call me tonight after talking to her.

Perhaps tonight he will tell me that he broke it off with her. Or perhaps seeing her at lunch will make him want her again. I just don't know. But I'm going to be counting the hours until he calls tonight! Thanks again.

Freedomelf- I am getting a sense that your husband is incredibly self centered, and unbelievably cruel. It is bad enough for him to have an affair, but to make physical comparisons, and then TELL you about it, does not show a lot of compassion for you, and what you, and your boys are going through.

I definitely would back off on the ultimatum. He really needs time to get his act together, and figure out his priorities. And YOU need to decide whether he has the ability to get his head on straight enough that you could consider taking him back.