Mid-life crisis

Thank you, msolga - I am glad to be back among the living. Life's a bitch, that's for flippin' sure.

Glad you're back too.

(runs in, gives Osso a big hug and a smooch on the cheek, runs back out)

Thank you, Osso, and if I knew you better I'd be right there with kicky.

I think mid-life crisis happens when people think they haven't achieved goals they had set for themselves.

Hello, moononice, welcome back. I agree with most of what you said, except this point. I think that 'putting him back in the guest room just to shake things up' is over the top. The Elfs are attempting to work through significant issues in thier relationship and they've been shaken enough already. If Mr Elf was/is in a well of depression, as I suspect he might be, then shaking things up aren't going to help much in the effort to get him out of the well and them back on a path of mutual trust and support.

Mame, glad to hear you're feeling better.

Hi JPB,

I guess a lot of what we write and the advice we give is mostly based on our own experiences.

I've been married 10 years. Eight of which were spent on the recieving end of really bad emotional abuse (peppered with good times, of course). Everytime we had an episode I would tell myself that he was acting that way because he was tired from work, overwhelmed with family issues, having a bad day, depressed, etc. etc. etc. I was being so sympathetic and "caring" that I put my own needs on the back burner. I figured that it was my responsibility to hold the marriage together and that was part of being a good wife and mother.

Nevermind that I had FIVE daughters within 7 years (one died), 4 c-sections, and I worked as well. I still got up at 5:30am to make his breakfast while vomiting in the sink from morning sickness. **I have housekepers but the household responsibilities are mine.

Was he sympathetic towards me? Nope. Did he care that maybe I was tired? Nope.

It got to the point that I would go to bed and pray to DIE by the morning. The emotional abuse was substantial. He was calling me names, telling me I was useless, worthless, etc. threatening to throw me out of the house on a regular basis. My crimes? Oh maybe his Coke wasn't the "right" temperature at dinner...."Major" things like that would send him off without speaking to me for the rest of the night. I also happen to live in S*audi A*rabia with few friends and no relatives to turn to so I turned to antidepressants.

Finally I realized that I was worth more. I decided that I too had needs and stopped placing myself last. I was not going to be sympathetic towards him at the expense of myself any longer. (these are the operative words)

This is where I'm coming from. Mr. Elf is a little depressed maybe?

>>>If Mr Elf was/is in a well of depression, as I suspect he might be, then shaking things up aren't going to help much in the effort to get him out of the well and them back on a path of mutual trust and support. <<<

I put myself first, lost 35 pounds in 3 months, started my own business and started to say NO when he'd ask me to please put the toothpaste on his toothbrush!

I shook things up without even really planning to do so. He started to look at me in a different way. I made him realize that it just wasn't all about "Him" any longer or "His" needs and what "He" wanted. Believe me, he changed reeeaaaaal quick.

Had I remained the doting housewife who's stomach would turn everytime he was upset about something and continued to make excuses for his behaviour, I would have remained a doormat and he would have continued steam-rolling right over me without a second thought. And it would have been my fault for enabeling him to continue that way.

If my husband was getting whatever he wanted, at my expense, without any serious consequences, then what exactly would have been his motivation to change?

Now, he's come around.

Bottom line is that in a perfect world there is no need for games or shake-ups. There are also no instances of adultery or emotional abuse. Are we in a perfect world? Nope.

I had to act in such a way as to make sure that once he started treating me better, he would NEVER go back to talking and acting the way he did in the past. I had to close that chapter of our relationship permanently by way of making him see that if he started his nonesense again, there would be hell to pay because I was "whole" again and wouldn't put up with it. I was worth more and it was up to me to remind him of that.

Just as Elf has to burn it in to Mr. Elf's being that the Brenda part of his life is over in such a way to guarantee that it will NEVER happen again. Shake things up? Well, maybe not through putting him out of the bedroom, but perhapse she needs to do something that he's never going to forget and make him loose a little of his self confidence.

It's vintage Mid-life crisis. Things got dull at home, too routine, he started taking Elf for granted and here comes someone younger, etc. etc. The sad part about it is that if he goes back to the exact same place that he was before, what's going to stop him from doing it again? He's got a lot of attention right now. Elf's gone through hell, so have the kids. I don't think he fully realizes the harm he has caused and the way things are going it looks like he's never going to really appreciate how magnanimous Elf has been through all of this.

I know, I know, he's opening up and saying this and that and how lucky he is to have Elf again, etc. But it almost seems as if he considers himself to be the victim. "Poor me, here I am, all depressed and walking around with a lunchbox. "

The lunchbox is a real big Red Light here. If he still has it somewhere, that's an emotional connection to her. And wanting to call her for her birthday is a bit fresh. For him to even think of doing that kind of tells me that he's not too concerned about Elf's feelings or any consequences thereof. Think about it.

He has a long way to go, it's salvageable I truly believe that but, I think he needs to be raked over a few more hot coals in order to truly see what he has, honor his commitment to Elf wholeheartedly and value her the way she deserves. The only way any of that is going to hit home permanently is if she gives him a real run for his money and the challenge he's looking for.

Elf, you're doing the best of your abilities. You're a good person and acting tough is probably not in your character one bit. There's an old saying..Fake it 'till you make it.

moononice, thank you for sharing your story. I don't know if it's as hard for you to share yours as it was for me, but I appreciate your perspective and your willingness to share. I'm sorry you had a rough haul for those first eight years and glad to hear you found a way to make your relationship move to a better place.

The reason I shared my story with Elf is that it was so similar to hers. Doting younger husband and caring father who one day fell off a cliff into a pit that neither one of us anticipated. I'm not much for coal-raking, but even without it there is no doubt in either of our minds that there will never be a next time. You see Mr Elf as having taken her for granted, I see it as a two-way street. At one time Mr B and I took each other for granted, now neither of us do.

Yes, Elf and the kids have gone (and are going) through hell. Does he have to pay? He can't. There is no payment he can make that will undo what he's done. Is he getting away with something scott free? I'm big on people having to live with themselves and their actions. If Mr Elf means anything of what he's saying then his conscience is eating him up. He will have to live with that forever. I went through the gambit of emotions that Elf is facing, but I knew that this was a aberration on his part and one that we could work through successfully. We never went back to the way things were before, but that's a good thing in many ways.

Whatever road Elf chooses to walk is the right choice for her. You've made the right choice for you, as have I for me. I wouldn't blame elf if she threw him out on his ear, but I will continue to hold her hand in any way I can as she works through her situation to come up with the best answer for her.

The advantage of coming to a place like A2K for support is that people get to hear numerous perspectives. They get to pick and choose what makes sense to them and what works best with their own situation. We all come to these topics with our own history, baggage, and personalities. Having a number of different outlooks on the table is a good thing.

Glad to see you back, moononice. You have a lot to offer.

Hi JPB,

I've read all the posts and maybe you mentioned your story in part in previous pages but honestly I couldn't remember. I am sorry to hear that you went through much of the same as Elf. It must have been devistating to you. Luckily, I haven't gone through that. If it did happen to me, yes, I would try to work through it as well and not call it quits until I tried my best to work it through.

The infidelity was an abberation on your husband's part and as you infer, it probably was an abberation on Mr. Elf's part too. I completely agree with that. People do things out of character that leave them stunned later wondering what they were thinking.

We've all been following Elf's story and have deep sympathy for her and I agree that whatever choice she makes will be the right one for her. I have read where Mr. Elf has tried to come to terms with what he has done and I see the remorse.

My posts in the past have been relatively benign. It seemed like they were going in the right direction and that a happy closure was right around the corner. I guess what perked my senses recently is the fact that he wanted to contact Brenda for her birthday. To me it's as if he invalidated all the steps forward that he had made.

Elf is the one who can judge best his moods and sense his feelings. All I am going by is what she has written. The birthday greeting just struck a sour chord and brought up a bunch of red flags. That's what lead me to think that maybe the path she chose to take by being the understanding wife perhapse was not having the desired effect after all and that she may possibly have to try different tactics.

What I have written is my opinion based on my baggage and take on the situation based on what she's written. I cartainly don't want to appear forceful. That's not what she needs right now, she has enough on her plate and if I have come across as harsh in any way I truly apologize as that was not my intention.

I'll tell you, you made a lot of sense in your post. I'm glad that you made the decision to work things through with your husband. Too many times marriages are viewed as disposable. It takes a true desire to work things out and forgive transgressions.

To lay another perspective on the table, I don't think that every husband is worth keeping at all costs. If an honest, straightforward, proactive approach is not working, then I think the thing to do is move on. I see that as part of the whole equation -- if he responds well to an honest, straightforward, proactive approach, then there is hope for the relationship. If he doesn't...

For me, I always feel like I have to give something my best effort or I'm plagued with "what if?"s after the fact. That's probably part of my advice to Elf to try and see what happens -- though a possible outcome after she tries is that she decides it's simply not going to work.

I worry a bit about the stress you must be under being the one who is so responsible for keeping your relationship together, Moononice. What happens if you relax your vigilance and don't try so hard?

Anyway, best of luck to all on this thread (and great to have you back, Mame :-)).

Hi Sozobe:

It's great to hear others' perspectives. Each has it's own ring of truth.



I agree with that statement wholeheartedly.



Things are so much better for me now. My husband was just really immature and a bit spoiled by his mother. He's come around. I still have a lot of resentment but I'm dealing with it. I've learned to set some boundaries and to speak up more for myself. I went to a MC and she helped me a lot. There's plenty more to my story but the thread belongs to Elf. I mentioned a bit of it to show where I'm coming from and to tell about what worked for me even though the situation is different. I'm kind of emberassed that I "dumped" so much!

First, thanks, Sozobe. Second, I agree with you here. Not everyone's had the same life experiences so we're not all going to respond the same way, of course, but for me, what you said is how I feel. No games, please, let's just be straight up.

Hello, everyone. I hope it's okay to update the thread.

JB, I honestly believe that your story is very similar to mine, and I have hope they it will have a similar new beginning. Moonice, I'm so sorry that you were in such a horrible situation, but I do believe your husband is very different from mine. (And I hope that isn't merely wishful thinking.) I'm glad, though, that you have found the strength to achieve your goals and become the person you want to be.

Mame, don't worry at all....no apologies necessary. You are a dear person who has been through a really rough time. Thanks for your insight.

Now....as to my husband. I have seen a "night and day" turn around, and it's been really wonderful. He has told me, over and over again, that he can't believe he was such an idiot, and that he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Since I've never heard this before because this is the first affair in a 20 year marriage, I tend to believe him.

He also told me that he can't understand what prompted him to go to Brenda in the first place, except for the fact that he has been in terrible physical pain. He has been going to the doctor for years, and no one has been able to find anything wrong, so he has been feeling a bit like no one believed his pain. To be honest, I wasn't as sympathetic as I could ahve been, because after a few years you begin to believe that doctors would have FOUND something, if there was really that much to find. (Of course, I should have known better....it took them 2 years to discover how bad my gall bladder was.)

He was diagnosed before with minor problems, but he now has a specialist who has told him that he has a strangulating hernia, and that it is quite serious and he probably has been in pain for quite a while. He says that it is such a relief to finally have a doctor understand the pain that he has been in for so long. He will be going in for surgery soon, and he says that he thinks that finally looking forward to spending a day without pain will help him to think more clearly.

He has told me, every day for the past 2 weeks, that he now realizes he has "fallen in love" with me all over again. He says that he now knows what REAL love is, and that it is so much better than he ever had with Brenda. He wants us to grow old together, and he says that he knows that he could never, ever put me or the kids through such insanity ever again. He believes that he loves me more now than when we first got married, because he knows my heart and what kind of person I am inside.

He also said something very significant to me.....he told me that if I threw him out today, he could not go back to Brenda. He could never be happy with such a shallow "love" as he now realizes he felt for her. If he had to, he would simply live alone and try with all his might to win back his family.

The counselor has decided that we no longer need his services for marriage counselling.....he has asked us to simply come back in 3 months just to let him know how things have gone between us. He also told us that in all his 25 years as a therapist, he has never seen a couple that he believes is more suited to each other than we are. He told us that he could tell we were in love from the first day he met us, and he is glad that both of us know that now.

He has said that if my husband wishes to remain in counselling for those childhood problems, that he will be happy to remain as his therapist. At the moment, my husband doesn't feel it is necessary. Both of us had sucky childhoods, but we seem to be coping well now. And with the prospect of getting surgery and ending the pain, my husband is in a very good mood lately.

Yes, I have gotten my back rubs, and he has listened to me and my problems. He says that the pendulum of attention, selfishness and self-absorption swung in his direction for so long, he is going to try very hard to give me what I need, and let the pendulum swing towards me for a while. It has been a truly refreshing change.

He's also apologized for all the things he said about Brenda....especially talking about how she had a better body than me. He tells me now that although my body may not be exactly what is called "classical perfection", it is exactly perfect for him. He loves looking at me lately in the shower, and telling me that he is so grateful that he hasn't lost me.

Sometimes I do feel down.....the other day he had to spend most of the night in his office/den (here at home) reloading Windows when his computer crashed. He wound up coming to bed really late. He did apologize for it, though, and watch MY movie with me then next night.

He also told his female friend at his old job that he now realizes that he is truly in love with his wife. I'm sure that news will get back to you know who. His friend has invited me to her house to get to know her and her husband. (That's the same friend that has lunch with you know who, so I'm sure everything will get back to her.)

So......things are much, much, much better. Sometimes I'm afraid to believe him when he tells me that he is truly in love with me. Sometimes I just don't trust him. He says that he is going to be patient, and try to earn my trust again. I have to admit, he is getting close to accomplishing it.

Am I a fool? Probably. But I do love him, and I always will. The other day our youngest son caught me crying because I slammed the drawer on my finger. My husband was holding my hand, trying to see what happened. My son didn't realize I'd just had an accident, and he walked in and immediately said "What did you say to mom, dad?"

Well, that night my husband had a long talk with our kids. He told them that although there may be ups and downs, and we may have some problems, that he will never, ever, ever do what he did before. He is going to be right here by my side for the rest of his life, and he is sure of it. That felt good.

So anyway.....that's what I wanted to relate. Happy endings do exist, and I believe we have found ours. I do love him as much as I ever have, and I do believe that he realizes our love was meant to last, and he feels as much or more than he ever did.

Thanks again, everyone.

Freedomelf- I am so happy that things are going well for you. You worked hard to preserve your marriage, and now you are reaping the rewards!

I am going to go off the track of this thread, and address something that you said, about your husband's pain. One of the things that I have learned is that doctors are not always right. Often they do not have the time or the inclination to really make a thorough diagnosis, and good recommendations for treatments. That takes time, and time is money to them! It is important to find a doctor who will listen, and explore every avenue with the patient.


I think that it is so important to be proactive with one's medical care. Nowadays, there is so much information on the net. It is very important for a person to become a medical "detective". If a doctor cannot find a reason for a pain, one needs to find one who will.


Some years ago, a cousin's husband was having terrible headaches. His doctor actually thought that his headaches were psychosomatic, and suggested that he see a psychiatrist.......................The man (who was in his thirties) died of a brain tumor. Nuff said!

Definitely agree with Phoenix. I have done a whole lot of second-guessing of doctors, on my own behalf and my daughters'.

And thanks for the update, FreedomElf. I'd really like to see Brenda's name disappear from these things -- I still think SHE is being given way more importance and brain time than is necessary or healthy. But it sounds like overall things are going quite well for you, and I really hope you get the happy ending you want.

Good luck!

Good to hear you sounding upbeat and hopeful, Elf. A new beginning sounds just right.

I'm glad to hear things are better for you !

Hi Elf:

Wow! Great news. I was so happy to read your post. Good for the both of you for the happy ending!

Big hug to you and I hope that your husband gets the medical help he needs and can begin to live pain free.

Take care,

Moon

Freedomelf--

Wonderful news. From here on in you are a woman who can trust your instincts because your instincts have been proven correct.

You can't change the past, but there is absolutely no point in pitching your tent in the middle of ugly memories and staying there.

MoononIce--

Welcome. This thread belongs to everyone.

Mame--

I'm glad you have your Black Beast on a leash. Inner rage distorts vision--domesticated rage enhances vision.

Hold your dominion.

Talk about an overstatement. You certainly are prone to drama, Noddy!