Mid-life crisis

Good move. He just can't waltz back into your life after what he did, and think that he can pick up the relationship as it was before the affair. He has literally wrung you out, and let you out to dry. He need to know that you are a human being with your needs, and that you won't allow him to trample you.

If he wants you back, he needs to court you.

Freedomelf--

My fingers are crossed for the Fairy Tale Ending, but please don't forget that your husband slept not only with Brenda, but with every man she ever slept with.

Have him tested for STD's before he's allowed to pick up his pillow and blankie and crawl out of the guest room.

Also find some time every day--even if you can only manage ten minutes--for pampering and loving yourself. Your husband seems preoccupied with his own needs and desires right now. FreeDuck and Sozobe are absolutely right about your husband's record of broken promises. You must learn to make promises to yourself and to keep these promises.

Hold your dominion.

Oh! He'd rather die than put his SON through this again?! Well, what about YOU?!?!?

I'm with Noddy. The innocent party is due more consideration than the person who inflicted the pain.

Coming home and bringing his dirty laundry with him? The symbolism is ripe.

and re-test at three months before considering opening your bedroom door to him

no one's health is worth compromising for this sort of cr@p

Good luck, Freedomelf. You've got a journey to developing a new, hopefully healthier, relationship in front of you. The old relationship is gone, and both of you need to keep that in mind.

I predict doom. He will not forget this gal. Do you honestly believe there will be no contact between them? Hah! Leave the bastid... he and she deserve each other. Move on with your life.

You sound desperate for him, Free. It is irrelevant what he was like 3 months ago. If he cheated, he betrayed you. Why is that forgiveable? What is your bottom line?

Mame--

Every woman has to decided for herself where to draw the line between the husband and the bathwater. Our host on this thread erred and strayed and came to his senses. Perhaps Mr. Freedomelf is truly repentant. Perhaps not.

In either case we're here to support Freedomelf when she needs to vent.

I've had to struggle to remain dispassionate here because of my own experiences with a not-my-fault philanderer. I doubt that Mr. F. would get back in my house, but he doesn't want to come back to my house.

Hold your dominion.

Oh please! He hasn't come to his senses! He's still waffling. Read what she writes, for heaven's sake.

"And in either case we're here to support Freedomelf where she needs to vent." What is THAT about? Blind support?

Come on, that's not support. That's just lazy. Why not get her to really dig down and find out what's what? Oh, too much trouble and effort, probably. This is my opinion - she's on a board asking for opinions, and because I don't think like the rest of you doesn't invalidate my opinion.

What you went through is not necessarily what she is going through, so maybe it's not even helping. Why not just look dispassionately at the facts? The guy cheated on her and then moaned and groaned and couldn't decide (poor poor thing) WHAT to do... She's flip-flopping around - "I'll take him back under any circumstances - no, wait! He's going to have to sleep on the divan - he'll have to EARN his way back" - what the hell is she even saying?

She's confused - let her steep in her own situation for a bit... she needs some perspective and way less advice and "support". She can really only come to that on her own - her guy, her life, her situation. We're not her and our guys are not him.

My differing opinion does not make me wrong, thank you very much.

And what is this "Hold Your Dominion" stuff? You say it on every blinking post - GMAB!

I see no good from being thrilled to have wanderer back. I've some experience in this, as do others. I suppose it can lead to renovation, and in my case it did for a while. Harder to have it happen the second time.

Shape up and get to know yourself. I know it is all terrible, but it is happening. Charming him home in this state is iffy.... I think you are in denial. A lot of re-evaluation needs to happen, for you as well as for him.

Most marriages are partnerships in the joys and in the troubles. Unless he engages in really dealing with all this, you are smart to get out fast.

I admit, I am wondering about it, too. It sounds as though Freedomelf really wants her old marriage back. But, as others here have said, that can never happen. His actions have changed everything. They will have to build a new relationship now. We can only hope he is up for it. So far, it doesn't sound like he is.

I'm crossing my fingers for you, Freedomelf. You have a long, hard road in front of you.

How do you know?

I don't belive in 'mid-life crises' - it's just a euphemism for 'I can't be bothered working on the relationship I've got, and it's become mundane, and rather than fix it with the person I make love to, talk over problems with, share my dreams with, share lifes hard times with, I'll see if someone else can re-kindle my spark'.

It must have hurt his partner very much, she was probably loyal and true throughout their years together... what a blow to her, her self esteem must be in tatters...

She must be going through a 'mid-life' crisis of her own...

...a very different kind

smorgs- I disagree about mid-life crises. I do believe that it is quite common for a middle aged person, who normally was very stable, to begin to evaluate his/her life at middle age.

One of the big problems during this time is sexual attractiveness, especially for a man. He looks at himself in the mirror, sees himself getting older, and wonders if he could ever be sexually attractive to the cute little hottie that he sees at work.

Often at this time, men will take up with a younger woman, just to prove to himself that he is still attractive. Sometimes it is a short fling, that quickly plays itself out. In the case of freedomelf/s husband, the poor sucker really believes that he is in love with this younger chick.

Personally, I think that freedomelf has a serious problem. Apparently she seems willing to ride it out, and attempt to return to the same kind of marriage that she had before the affair. Personally, I don't think that can happen, but if the two of them want the marriage badly enough, and work hard enough, I do believe that they can have, a different, but strong marriage.

In the meantime, for good or for ill, the choice is up to freedomelf. She knows herself, she thinks that she knows her husband. As far as I am concerned, I am there to support her emotionally. I may not always agree with what she is doing, but after all it is HER life.

Here is an interesting article on mid-life crisis:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/mid-life.html

Wise words phoenix (as usual)

Trouble with me is that I have been on the receiving end of a mans mid-life crisis...so I'm a touch bitter.

I fully accept that people (not just men) pause at a certain age to re-evaluate and take stock. I just don't understand why (during that pause) you can't take stock of what you HAVE got and treasure it even more.

Perhaps it is a naive and simplistic view, but it's genuinely how I feel about this subject. I can't comprehend why Tino would hurt a woman he maintains is 'the love of his life', but I know these things happen. I am also at a crossroads, I have started a new life, but still yearn for my old one. Still in 'negotiations' with a man that professed love for another and now regrets his actions. Reckless moments can leave scarring on anothers heart. It's a very sad thing that has happened to both parties.

I too think that freedom has a serious problem, and I'm watching the advice given to both her and Tino, in the hopes that I too can learn from others how to handle my own sorry state at the moment.

Sarah
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Smorgs- I think that what we see is sort of a "grass is greener" syndrome. I regret that you had to be on the receiving end of some guy's mid-life crisis. It really does suck.



Once a relationship has been broken, it can never return to the status quo. Sometimes, with work and maturity, it can be mended, but it is going to be different. Unfortunately, one cannot "wish away" the past. One can only move on.

...very interesting article, phoenix.

Didn't know it was an established psychological state,.

Oh, I was quite sure that is a recognised psychological state.

This was my motive in starting the thread: ie to point out that I acted under some kind of psychological compulsion.

I know myself and I know I was not myself for awhile.

Not much consolation for women like Smorgs and Freedomelf, I know, and it's human nature to play the blame game in their circumstances, but I'm just giving the other side because it doesn't get aired very often.

Your perspective is needed and appreciated, not the least, I think, by FreedomElf. Thanks for starting this thread, Tino. It is very interesting. People are odd ducks, eh?

Tino- I think that you were very courageous to write about your mid-life crisis. I think that it is something that is not understood by many.

I remember the time when it hit me that I was never going to become a ballerina. Now, I have never wanted to be a ballerina, but the idea was important to me.

When you are young, your world is full of infinite possibilities. As you mature, choices are made, and paths are trod. For many, by middle age, most people are pretty much set in their life direction. It then becomes a time of introspection.............have I made the right choices, could my life have been any different if I had chosen another path? There is a sense of the waning of life, and the desire to better one's existence, before it is too late.

An onloooker can more readily understand this phenomenon if the person has made less than superior choices in life. But apparently, this seems to happen, to one extent or another, to most all people, whether their lives are inherently miserable, or wonderfully happy.

At this time you see people leaving lucrative positions to follow a childhood dream. There are many divorces where the children are recently out of the nest, and the couple realize that for many years, they had only the children in common. People grow in different directions, and what was once a viable union, has become bereft of any meaning.

IMO, anyone having these feelings needs to attempt to hold back, and not fall prey to the emotional storm crashing around them. It isn't easy, and does not always work. But this is a period of deep introspection, and not the time to make any changes, unless the changes have been carefully thought through.

I hear and understand what you are saying, but why have I not gone through the same thing? Are some people more 'prone' to it then others?

I thought my partners love for me was very strong, we had been through so much. I never wanted anyone else, I miss him with all my heart, when it fell apart, I couldn't comprehend it! Was so shocked, even though I suspected it for so long. And the cruellest blow of all was his ability to make me doubt my instincts, the denials when challenged, it's all so raw... I wish it would end and i could be content again.

Strange thing is - I miss his smell most of all, I feel like the world is out of focus now... need to put my 'happy glasses' on again.

Sarah
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