Mid-life crisis

Thank you, thank you so much once again, everyone. And thank you, Tino, for the use of your thread to get my head sorted out!

I haven't had any contact with him since Fri aft. When he left here, he was rather stunned by my attitude that I wanted nothing to do with him until he actually told her it was over, but just before he left, he did say that it might be the best thing for me, because he knows he isnt good to be around right now.

He told me he has such a hard time because Brenda is SO MUCH like me, when I was younger. I stunned him by getting angry about that, asking him when was the last time that I flirted with a married man from the very first day I met him, without having any idea if he was happy or not, and try to tear up a marriage? And when did I live with a string of guys, as he said that she has, without ever getting married? And when did I have abortions? And when did I get a boob job because I was so insecure about my "pulling ability" with the opposite sex?

I'm not saying that she is bad for those things.....I'm just saying that I am NOTHING like her. So WHAT if she buys the same dang perfume? That isn't how you measure that someone is alike, for heaven's sake!!

I do think that having no contact with him is the best thing for right now, even though it is tearing me apart. I want him back so badly. But I think patience is a virtue at this point. If I hang on long enough, he is going to realize what an idiot he is.

And if he doesn't, then at least I will take comfort in the fact that I am better off without him, than to be with him and have this happen again. I really think I'd die if that occurred.

I'm off to be with my oldest son. He will be flying back to his summer internship in a few hours. I'm so glad he has been home to get my mind of this, and it's been good for his younger brothers as well. See you tomorrow, perhaps.

He's just thinking with his d!ck. What he means is that she makes him FEEL the same way he did when he met you. In other words, he's in the throes of infatuation.

He obviously hasn't figured out (or has forgotten) the difference between infatuation and love. Too bad for him. By the time he figures it out (IF he figures it out), it may be too late.

Freedomelf--

Every woman is entitled to her own decisions about "What is Baby?" and "What is Bathwater?"

Brenda is so much like you when you were younger? Therefore, this romance is not of his doing because he is chemically attracted to bond with women like you and Brenda? Or this is partly your fault because you have taught him how loveably women like you are?

Mr. Dirty Laundry isn't embracing responsibility for his actions. He's embracing Brenda.

Shifting gears from "I Love You and I'll Listen to Your Troubles" to "Enough is Enough" is going to be painful, but whatever happens this separation will be good for you.

You have accepted the fact that every woman--including you--has a limited amount of compassionate understanding. After his springtime of self-indulgence, you are declaring your own Summer of Self Love. You're been half of a loving couple for years. You've probably been more than "half" if he's the only partner to get back rubs. You deserve a chance to explore life without him.

I don't mean hop into bed with the nearest stud to validate your self-worth. I've known Brendas and you're no Brenda. I mean explore those parts of the world that you've missed because you've been limited to some degree by his likes and dislikes.

Perhaps this absolute separation will be a dress rehearsal for a divorce and perhaps it will be a dry run for a marriage of equals. In either case, this summer should be devoted to you and your needs and desires (and of course the happiness and security of your sons).

Go, girl! Go!

Hold your dominion.

Precisely what I meant by the fine line between complete trust and being taken for granted cutting both ways.

Freedomelf, even if you and your husband end up back together after all is said and done, your relationship won't be the same as it was before, nor should it be. Coming through an experience like this changes everyone and the dynamics of their interactions. Don't be surprised if you end up with a much stronger sense of yourself.

He's shown you in no uncertain terms that he isn't the person you thought he was; at least not at this time. Now it's time to find out what you're made of. Whether your forced independence ends up with you as a divorced single mom or as part of a reconciled couple and family, you will come out of this much stronger than you were when it began.

Change is hard, particularly when it's forced upon us, but change can ultimately be for the best. Look forward, not back. Let him stay stuck in the past if that's where he's stuck. He will never be twenty-something again. He won't get what he's looking for from this Brenda or a long string of twenty-something Brendas, but only he can come to that realization.

You are doing and have done everything you can for him. Look forward... what do you see?

Freedomelf--

How are things going?

Well, it's been really tough, and it might get tougher, I don't know. But my husband is moving back home tonight (or so he emailed to tell me.) He said he was first going to Brenda's house, breaking up with her, and getting back all of his clothes, etc, and then he will be home. He said that it may take a while to break up with her, so don't expect him really soon.

I'm worried though, because even though he told me that he IS going to finish it today and come home, I think seeing her, and knowing that she will cry and beg him to stay, may weaken his resolve. He told me that he STILL has a very strong love for her....but that he knows he has that for me, too. And he knows he hasn't been fair to me and MUST give us a chance to make a new start. He told me that he will no doubt be miserable when he gets home, and not to expect much of him for a while, but that he will try to make a new start.

I'm also worried that breaking up with her will give her a "martyr" aura, and that she will always be on a pedestal to him. Will I be able to compete with the woman that he gave up for me? I'm worried.

But, overall, I'm glad he is coming home and I do want to try again to make a new start. I'm probably a fool letting him come back like this. I did tell him I didn't want him back until he was ABSOLUTELY sure who he loved, but my chest pains have been so bad, I honestly believe I might die before that happened. So, when he told me that he wanted to come home to renew our marriage but STILL had feelings for Brenda, I told him he could come home only if he absolutely, positively broke it off and agreed NEVER to see her again....and not hold out any hope to her whatsoever. He agreed, but he said it's going to kill him.

Anyway, he is over there right now. I hope I did the right thing. I'm not so sure. I just love him so much....and my health was deteriorating so rapidly, I honestly thought I might wind up in the hospital again. (I've had heart problems before.) So this stress was killing me. I think knowing it's over between him and Brenda will at least help me to cope somewhat.

At least I hope so. At LEAST he has chosen me....even though she has told him that she would die without him (and I didn't beg him to come back for my health, either.) So I guess that is a good sign, right?

Grrr....I hope it works out.....Thank you for asking.

I think you are incredibly brave for what it's worth!

Oh, that's rough.

I'm worried about you, Freedomelf -- do you have any kind of real-life support network? Friends, family? (Besides your sons, I mean.) I'm glad that the result you wanted seems to be in sight, but of course it won't end there, and I'm worried about how you'll handle things from here on when you've already been through the absolute wringer, even if things go smoothly. Giving him whatever he wants because it's easiest won't solve any problems, long-term.

Couples counselling will be happening, right?

Take care...

I know from personel experience that this **** beats hell out of your health but I don't feel like I can say much because I'm coming from the other side of the coin in that I've created these kind of problems myself for a woman and it is not much solace to say that Nature is cruel or that it's madness and he can't help it.

At the end of the day no amount of madness justifies what you are going through.

I don't know what to say...He should be more ******* sensitive!

I'm not in love with the guy, so I don't give a damn how miserable he will be when he moves back in. What the hell does he mean...don't expect much from him?! He's the one who shouldn't expect much from YOU, Freedomelf!

Geez...I gotta wonder if he ever got his laundry done. (I know, call me a cynic.)

Ditto what Soz said about counseling. You guys ARE going, aren't you?

He said that it may take a while to break up with her, so don't expect him really soon.

I'm worried though, because even though he told me that he IS going to finish it today and come home, I think seeing her, and knowing that she will cry and beg him to stay, may weaken his resolve. He told me that he STILL has a very strong love for her....but that he knows he has that for me, too. And he knows he hasn't been fair to me and MUST give us a chance to make a new start. He told me that he will no doubt be miserable when he gets home, and not to expect much of him for a while, but that he will try to make a new start.

I'm also worried that breaking up with her will give her a "martyr" aura, and that she will always be on a pedestal to him. Will I be able to compete with the woman that he gave up for me? I'm worried.

But, overall, I'm glad he is coming home and I do want to try again to make a new start. I'm probably a fool letting him come back like this. I did tell him I didn't want him back until he was ABSOLUTELY sure who he loved, but my chest pains have been so bad, I honestly believe I might die before that happened. So, when he told me that he wanted to come home to renew our marriage but STILL had feelings for Brenda, I told him he could come home only if he absolutely, positively broke it off and agreed NEVER to see her again....and not hold out any hope to her whatsoever. He agreed, but he said it's going to kill him.

Anyway, he is over there right now. I hope I did the right thing. I'm not so sure. I just love him so much....and my health was deteriorating so rapidly, I honestly thought I might wind up in the hospital again. (I've had heart problems before.) So this stress was killing me. I think knowing it's over between him and Brenda will at least help me to cope somewhat.

At least I hope so. At LEAST he has chosen me....even though she has told him that she would die without him (and I didn't beg him to come back for my health, either.) So I guess that is a good sign, right?

Grrr....I hope it works out.....Thank you for asking. [/quote]

Okay, I want to know what the hell is wrong with you?? And don't give me that crap about you loving him... you don't even know who or what you are if that is the case.

God, there is so much shite in that crap above that I can't even beGIN to talk about it.

Thank you all so much.

Actually, Tino, talking to you from the other side of the coin is helping me understand, and I am grateful to you for that.

Sozobe, yes, we will definitely be going to counseling. He has agreed, and we need to talk through a lot, that's for sure. For now we are going to just marriage counseling, but after a few weeks we will be involving the boys in the counseling, too.

Eva, I had to laugh when you mentioned the laundry....no it ISN'T done yet, lol! And I know what you mean about not expecting much, but he has told me that he really wants to have a fresh start and work on everything....he just needs time to adjust to being back home.

And there was another twist.....he called me tonight from his friend Bryce's house. He assured me that he broke up with her, and that it is truly over, but he has decided to wait till tomorrow before coming home. He says that he can't bear to have me see him crying over some other woman, and that he is a mess right now, and when he comes home, he wants it to be on a happy note, with a renewed sense of beginning our marriage again.

So anyway, he didn't come home tonight but he absolutely promised that it is truly over. I heard Bryce calling out in the background that I shouldn't worry, that he was going to screw his head back on straight before sending him home tomorrow. (Bryce has been really good to me in this, even though he is hubby's best friend, not mine, normally).

So.....hopefully I am spending my last night alone. And this time I do believe him, and think it is over. I just hope I can compete with her memory....you know how memories always become fonder with time. That's the thing that scares me, but I guess I'll have to mention that in counseling.

Goodnight, and thanks again.

Freedomelf--



You are a woman of great courage and faithfulness. No matter how your heart aches or how guilt-battered he is, follow through on the marital counseling, ASAP.

Remember, in a house where two people are in pain, the innocent party deserves more consideration than the person who has inflicted the pain.
You must give yourself room to grow and heal.

For starters, show him how the washing machine works--he can get a symbolic start on unpacking his mid-life baggage.

Hold your dominion.

Thanks, noddy, and yes, I intend to teach him how to do laundry. My boys learned it so it's about time that he did, too. And we will definitely be in counseling....probably for a long time.

Mame....I don't really know what to tell you. The only thing I can say is that you should have seen this guy 3 months ago....and all during our married life. Women would have KILLED to have the kind of life that I have had with him. No, he didn't give me back rubs, but he never looked at another women even though they were falling at his feet begging to be scr***d. And he often stopped to buy me flowers, or wrote me a poem, etc. He was a dream.

I believe he is going through what Tino described, and that it WILL pass. If this ever happens again, I will not tolerate it.....he will be out the door. But I do believe that a good husband deserves a second chance.

I've been following this thread for a while but have had nothing to add until now. Freedomelf, I think you did the right thing putting your foot down. But something in the back of my head says that he's not coming home today either. Looking over your posts I've seen so many of his promises not fulfilled. I'm going to break up with Brenda at dinner. No, I didn't, sorry, I'll try again tomorrow. I'm going to break up with her tonight then I'll be home. Sorry, I'm just too torn up to come home tonight. I'm going to make a decision soon. I've made a decision! I've decided to let you do my laundry. He's been stringing you along. I sincerely hope that your change in attitude has put an end to it, but I'm just not sure.

Noddy gave some really good advice on the last page. Look out for yourself, pursue your own interests. I hope it all works out well for you and your boys in the end.

Freedomelf, I hear you. And mame, I hear you too. Sure, what freedomelf wrote sounds like the proverbial weakass woman just begging to be taken advantage of again and we've all been there but you trust that she knows her man, knows what she's doing, and wish them well. But I do hope, for both their sakes, that she punishes him somehow. To let him fall back into her arms and her bed with no consequences for his horrible behavior would be a big mistake and only allow him the freedom to think that he can come and go whenever he pleases. She's got to "spank" him someway. Make him pay for hurting her and the family. Hope she can figure out how.

That's exactly what I'm worried about too, FreeDuck, hence my awkward "even if everything goes smoothly" in my last post. I'm very concerned that he's just going to keep finding excuses.

Certainly hope things work out one way or the other, but yes, please do take care of yourself, FreedomElf.

I caught that from your last post, soz, and completely agree. I realize it's hard to tell from my computer screen what exactly is going on, and I'm only reading her account. It's just, well, some things stand out.

I still hope I'm wrong.

I am torn. There is a part of me that agrees with you, and another that is extremely skeptical. One thing that I do know. Do not let your husband consider you a pushover. Let him deal with the Brenda issue with the therapist. If he starts mooning over her to you, if it were me, I would throw him out the door.

You know, as ridiculous as it sounds in my position, I still laughed out loud at that, and it relieved a lot of tension for me! Yes, I know, I'm insane.

Phoenix, I hear you. One thing that he said last night was when he thought about his youngest son hating his guts, and having nightmares over this, he knew that he would rather die than to put HIM through this again.....I do believe that his boys played a part in deciding to be with me....I just don't want them to be the major force.

I told him last week that if he came back just for the boys, that I would be able to tell, and I would throw him out. His MAIN focus has to be me, not them, and until he is sure it is, he can't even think about coming home. I honestly think that's why he has taken so long, because he has said he loves me and Brenda EQUALLY for so long....and couldn't figure out who he loved more. He still said last night that he has very strong love for her, but that he knew he had to make a decision, and a decision towards my direction was the closest he could get to being sure. And that he did do it because of me....not the boys.

So, yes, I'm still in a kind of limbo. He just called to say he was on his way, so I will probably be gone the rest of the day. We have a lot of talking to do today, and I will think of a way to spank him, too, that doesn't make him sorry he came home. (Actually, when I first heard you say that, I have to admit, the thought turned me on big time.....maybe I SHOULD do that literally, hehe.....but don't worry, I know what you mean, and won't let him think he can just waltz back in with no consequences.)

I've fixed up the guest bedroom for the next few nights....he knows it. We are going to spend a lot of time talking, and I know that is "torture" for most guys, hehe, so maybe I can punish him that way. Evil grin. Yeah, okay, I'm trivializing.....I will do more than that. We have an appointment for next week with the counsellor. So wish me luck.