Mid-life crisis

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Last night he contacted me again and told me that he would have an answer for me by next weekend. He said that he was finally feeling strong enough to face Brenda by then. I told him that he may have an answer by then, but I'm NOT SURE I would have an answer for him by then, as to whether he COULD come home. I would have to think about it this week

Freedomelf- Way to go! I think that it is important that you not be too forgiving, right away. Right now, your husband needs a reason to really value you and your relationship. If you make it too easy on him, he will not value the relationship as much. He is still not saying as to whether he wants to, or feels able to give up Brenda.

In other words, he is in the position of calling most of the shots. I think that you really need to tip the balance of power in your favor. By not being too all forgiving, by making him fearful that he would lose Brenda AND you, you will help him come to grips with himself.

Let's say that you play hardball, and he is afraid of losing both you and Brenda. If he stays with Brenda because of that, and takes the easy way out, I don't think that the marriage is worth saving. If, on the other hand, he realizes that he has to work hard and fight for his marriage, and he does, I think that the reconcilliation, and the marriage, will have a better chance of surviving..

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Re: trust and privacy issues...I gotta ask...would you really want him reading everything you've written here? (Some privacy is reasonable, I think.) Besides, I think you're focusing too much on his internet use. There are so many other ways for him to contact another woman. You really cannot control him through his computer or any other way. Remember, it is HIM you resent, not the computer. Actually, this would be a good subject to bring up in counseling...it will open up the whole "trust" subject.

But why are you even discussing this now? He hasn't even decided if he wants to come back!

Here's what I suggest: You two are going to need family counseling no matter what his decision is, because you are going to have to be parents regardless. In fact, now would be an excellent time to start. The boys are already having problems that the two of you need to deal with together.

Yes, I AM surprised that he brought up counseling, but that is not the same as actually going. Let's see if he actually will.

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You two are going to need family counseling no matter what his decision is, because you are going to have to be parents regardless. In fact, now would be an excellent time to start. The boys are already having problems that the two of you need to deal with together.

I agree, Eva. Freedomelf, her husband and her children are still a family, whether the two of them are married or not. I think that you have the right idea. I think that the husband needs to understand his part in all this, vis a vis the boys, no matter what happens with the marriage.

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Let's say that you play hardball, and he is afraid of losing both you and Brenda. If he stays with Brenda because of that, and takes the easy way out, I don't think that the marriage is worth saving. If, on the other hand, he realizes that he has to work hard and fight for his marriage, and he does, I think that the reconcilliation, and the marriage, will have a better chance of surviving.

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That's very logical. I wouldn't want him if he could choose her. That's a good way to look at it.

And Eva, I guess I never thought about the trust issue that way. No, I wouldn't want him to read everything here (ESPECIALLY the part about saying I am not sure I want him back, but telling YOU guys I do!!)

But then again....I'm not the one he has ever had any reason not to trust. HE IS. So I'm conflicted about that.......however perhaps you are right, and I shouldn't ask him for his computer passwords. I'll have to reconsider that.

You guys are great. Smile

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Freedomelf- One of the things that happen when a person is going through a particularly trying time in her life, is the feeling that she is completely alone in her suffering. That applies not only to relationship problems, but medical, financial, parenting, and all the other "stuff" that gets in the way of a person having a smooth, happy life.

By people sharing their difficulties with others, one comes to realize, that bottom line, we are all the same, and have all gone through serious problems of one sort or another. The advantage of sharing with others, especially anonymously, is that there are many people who have related problems in common. Therefore, each person can benefit from the experiences of others who have been through, and resolved similar difficulties in their lives.

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You want to hear something funny......my jaw nearly dropped. Hubby just emailed this morning to ask me if he could come by today. He says that he can't wait to talk to me....that he wants to do it today because he finally knows what he wants now for sure. He said that he understands that he won't be allowed to stay right now no matter what happens.

But guess what he added to his post at the end of it?????

"By the way, I hate to ask, but is there any way I could bring home my dirty clothes? I have almost nothing to wear, and no time to get to a laundry with all the overtime I've been doing lately. If it's a problem, let me know and I won't bring it. I don't want to put you out at all. I'll help you do it if you show me how. Love, Daddy"

WHAT THE HECK??????????????????

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I'm coming home with all my dirty laundry?

Now I'm haunted by ghosts from my own past. Further I majored in English in college and can find symbolism all over the place.

I'm coming home with all my dirty laundry! Love, Daddy.

At least he realizes that this request might seem a little tacky. Freedomelf, if he were my Erring Beloved, at this moment I wouldn't even give him quarters for the laundromat.

Counselling is an excellent idea. From what I'm hearing, he still thinks his little fling is all about him. He doesn't want to give up any of his privacy (as far as the computer goes). He wants you to understand that you shouldn't hate him.

This guy has a lot of dirty laundry.

Hold your dominion.

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I agree....that was a lot of nerve. Why didn't miss boobs ever do it for him?

I told my son about it and he said he would do the laundry for dad if he paid him, and that way Dad and I could talk while Will was doing the laundry. He said he needed the extra cash. Will is very good with laundry, actually. I taught the boys....I just never taught Daddy, because he was never interested.

But I really don't like the idea. I think he should not be allowed to get away with it.

Yes, I do believe that he thinks every thing has been about HIM, and it's time I tell him exactly what I am going to need FROM him....I'm actually sitting here writing a "checklist" like he did about Brenda.....this time the checklist will be on HIM.

Heck.....if he had one and asked Brenda questions to see how "well" she scored, then he should understand if I have to rate HIM as well!!! Turn about is fair play!

Grrrr.....that laundry thing got me mad. Evil or Very Mad

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Freedomelf--

I'm glad that you're putting your needs and desires into the mix. Forgiveness is good--even blessed. Life as a doormat has many disadvantages.

Are you going to insist that he be tested for STD's? Mr. Noddy had a cousin who strayed from his wife and family with a Natural Blond. I quote: "She was even blond 'down there'."

He and his wife reconciled--after a blood test. It was the lab work that brought home to him what an S.O.B. he'd been.

Personally, I'd refuse to have anything to do with his dirty laundry, but if he and your son can resume communicating by negotiating a fair price it might be worthwhile. Dirty laundry is one way for the kid to have a bit of control of the marital chaos swirling around him.

Good luck.

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oh, gosh, I hadn't even thought of that. Neither of us has done anything with anyone else in the last 20 years, so that's a scary thought. Sad

Yes, I guess that will be the first thing on the agenda.

And I was sitting here with that checklist, asking myself...."Do I REALLY want to be as much of a jerk to him as he was?" So I tore it up. Yes, I am going to tell him what I want.....in no uncertain terms. But the checklist thing just seemed so tacky. I guess I just thought of it while I was mad....same with the passwords. You think really stupid things when you are mad. Sad

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And why, if I am so angry with him, am I getting the mop out to wash the floor before he gets here? Why the HECK am I worried about how the house looks, and want it spotless? (PS, he did tell me that Brenda was very messy)

I'm an idiot.

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Freedomelf--

I've never heard that mopping floors was a vindictive act. In fact, I just read a bit about Zen (in a discussion about other matters) and noted that Zen recommends scrubbing floors as a way of clearing the mind of earthly distractions.

One of the advantages of a "neutral" sounding board is that you can think and rethink your plans for action. Editing unsaid words is much better than trying to eat words that you've spit out with anger.

Hold your dominion.

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yes....I think that is why this thread is helping me so much. That I can say things to all of you, and then go back and see how stupid or mean they sound, and change them before I talk to him.

He's coming over in an hour. I will be strong....wish me luck. I may just let him take Tom to spend the night with him if he wants....but he isn't staying here, that's for sure. There is too much going on this weekend.

I am going to have my sister's birthday party over here tomorrow for lunch, and my oldest son is coming home for the weekend, too, tonight, so I might not be able to get back to the thread till Sunday.

In the meantime, thank you all again so very much. Smile

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Freedomelf--

Whatever happens in your conversation, have a wonderful weekend.

Whatever happens, your Erring Beloved should not be your entire existence.

Ditty that I learned at my mother's knee:

Please, Mother, don't kill Father with the bread knife.
Remember, 'twas a gift when you were wed.
But if you must kill Father with the bread knife,
Please, Mother, use another on the bread.

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Eva wrote:

I think it's very common for wives to go through periods of extreme selfishness, too. And certainly, we're just as likely to be attracted to others. Why is it, then, that it's usually the men who tear apart their families in the process?

I mean, really. Could you even imagine a husband listening sympathetically while his 40-something wife told him how good her 24-yr-old hottie was in bed?! Of course not! They'd never put up with that! So...why should we?

I think women tend to be more nurturing. We care more about how we affect others by our actions. That's surely an over-generalization, but I think it's close. I don't think there's ever cause to share intimate details outside of a relationship so, no I wouldn't want to hear it.

Your other question to me regarding how long it was before our relationship returned to a sense of normalcy is difficult to answer. To the outside world it was always normal. I/we maintained a pretty good front. K was aware that I was upset but didn't know any details, M was clueless. They were much younger than freedomelf's children. It was a long, slow, painful process; I would say 2 or 3 years before I was able to admit that we were in a better relationship than where we had been beforehand. We both pay more attention now - to ourselves, to each other, to us. It was hell, but I am glad we stuck it out.

Lots have happened last night and today, freedomelf, I hope things are beginning to settle down a bit for you and your family.

I've been thinking of Tino, wondering how he's doing --- sending special thoughts his way too!

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Well, it didn't go as I thought. He came to tell me that he decided not to sleep with Brenda anymore, until he figured out what he wanted to do and which one of us he wanted to be with. He THOUGHT I would be happy about that. I was expecting so much more.

Anyway, I wound up telling him that I will have no more contact with him whatsoever....no emails, no IM's, no phone or no visits. Zip, nada, zilch, until he has completely broken up with Brenda and has decided that he CANNOT live without me. And I told him that even if he DOES do that, he can't just waltz back in....that will be the STARTING point to getting back together....not the ending point.

I told him that if he wants to contact the boys, then he can do so, and take them out. But he can't come in the house. He'll just pick them up and drop them off. The end.

I've had it. This is it for me. I'm not going to contact him no matter what.

I'll probably be back here monday. Have a good weekend, folks. Smile

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Freedomelf- I think that you are doing exactly the right thing. Let him understand what it means to be without your emotional support. In the meantime, I think it might be a good idea to contact an attorney, and find out what you need to do to keep yourself and your children financially safe.

I don't know what your finances are, or if you work, but you don't want your errant husband to clean out the family assets. Better safe than sorry!

Oh, and keep documenting. If this situation comes to divorce, you have plenty of evidence for adultery.

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Freedomelf--

This guy really counted on you to be his #1 Cheerleader and Bestest Sounding Board. He doesn't seem to see you as a person with needs and feelings--just a person who is an audience for his activities (and a woman who knows how to run a washing machine).

I don't blame you one bit for refusing to play his game any more. He's shown an extraordinary lack of consideration for you for the last two months and he's piling on indignity after indignity.

I hope your weekend gives you a chance to vent with your sister and that being with your older son this weekend reminds you that the last 20 years weren't completely wasted.

Phoenix has a good point about legal advice. Your husband does not play fair without a referee.

Hold your dominion.

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Absolutely! Contact an attorney as soon as possible. Find out how to protect yourself and your children during this separation, just in case he goes (even further) haywire.

We're not trying to scare you, Freedomelf. It's just that we've seen what self-centered jerks can do. Don't fool yourself into thinking he's the same person you were happily married to. He isn't anymore.

Bring over his laundry?! What a piece of work this guy is!!! GRRRRRRR!!! Tell him to take it to Brenda's and see if she'll do it for him!

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Freedomelf wrote:

Well, it didn't go as I thought. He came to tell me that he decided not to sleep with Brenda anymore, until he figured out what he wanted to do and which one of us he wanted to be with. He THOUGHT I would be happy about that.

The word cajones comes to mind.

Freedomelf, you are certainly justified in taking whatever path you choose to take. Look out for yourself and your son. I agree that talking to an attorney is a wise move. Whatever 'force' has come over your husband is his problem, not yours. The consequences of his actions are for him to bear; you've been more than supportive and patient.

Take care and keep venting. It can't take the place of counseling but it does help some.

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Mid-life crisis

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