Mid-life crisis

Freedomelf--



I don't know this guy. I'm only judging him by his actions--particularly the way he is treating four other people. My opinion may well be colored by my unhappy memories of the First Mr. Noddy who wanted both me and the other woman to understand that this was very hard on him and if we would be sensible and just understand that he loved us both.....

At any rate, just because a worm can speak up and say, "I know I'm a worm," doesn't mean he's a handsome prince in disguise.

Has he told you yet how hard this is for poor Brenda?

Dys, please ask Diane to give you a big kiss from me!

Freedomelf, I get it - I really do. Both your side and his. Been there, done that is easy for me to say now. It was anything but easy at the time.

Exactly, Phoenix. Thanks for putting it better than I would have.

And thanks, too, noddy and JB.

Yes, noddy, he has told me, a couple of weeks ago, how hard it is for poor Brenda, and how guilty he feels for having lied to her that he didn't love me anymore. He said that she didn't sleep with him until he told her that, and now he feels really guilty about it. And YES, I am an IDIOT for listening to that garbage.....I know I am. I don't know why I am putting up with it....I honestly don't.

I guess I am hoping that it is the limerence madness affecting him, and that now that he is, as he says, slowly becoming sane again, perhaps he will spend a lot of time making it up to me for what he has done. I hope he will want to. No, I don't want to make him suffer for it.....but I am HOPING that he will be extra nice for a while, to want to make up for it himself.

Gosh.....I really feel dumb.

JB, I'm glad you know what I am going through (well, actually, no I'm not, I wish you hadn't had to....but you know what I mean.) Thanks for understanding.

J_B, I like the advice your mother gave you, and how you handled it with the condo and joint responsibilities deal. IMO, that's exactly what Freedomelf's husband is missing...a large dose of reality.

I had a friend whose husband behaved just like Freedomelf's husband is doing. She decided to play tough. (She is one gutsy lady!)

One day, after weeks of being dragged through this sort of misery, she told him she had decided he was absolutely right to follow his heart, and she had decided to do the same. So she was packing her bags and leaving that night. The kids, the bills and the house were his, completely. He could have it all. She was leaving to find a new life. And she did just that. She left. (Actually, she just went to visit some friends, but left no forwarding address.)

Hubby was pretty upset, but quickly asked his girlfriend to move in with him. After all, he was sure she wanted to share his life (that's what she'd said!), but this was certainly NOT in her plans! She thought she'd have him all to herself and they could travel, etc. Moving into another woman's house to raise HER children was not at all what she'd counted on. So she left him. (No surprise.)

Two weeks later my friend returned, and her husband literally begged her to forgive him and come back. After securing a promise from him that they'd go through six months of counseling before she'd move back in, she agreed. That was four years ago. Things seem to be fine between them now. But she says she'll never forget it, and even though they've patched things up, it can never be the same as it was before. She'll never be able to trust him completely again after this.

hmmm, I think Mr B and I have gotten to the point of complete trust again, but the fine line between complete trust and being taken for granted cuts both ways.

Oh yes, it does!

I'm very glad to hear you managed to make it work, J_B. You're a terrific lady, and you deserve the best.

That's the problem, Eva. I was "Mary Poppins" as far as my marriage went. I trusted my husband completely....in fact, I used to joke that if I ever caught my husband in bed with someone, that it will probably be a lookalike that my husband hired as a joke on April Fools' Day.

Now....gosh, all that is gone. It will take a long time to rebuild. He will have to expect that I will want to know what happened if he is an hour late. Gone are the days when I won't wonder about it.

I hate knowing that....it is the main thing that scares me about taking him back. He will have to be very open about it if he expects me to trust him again.

JB, you are giving me hope that at least it is POSSIBLE to get to that point again. Thank you for that.

That's perfectly reasonable, Freedomelf, and a very good reason why I hope you would insist on counseling.

yes....I think that we will have to. I don't think we can handle all the issues on our own. Luckily there is a good family counseling clinic just a few blocks away, and I've heard good things about them

Thanks Eva, you're a sweetie too!

It's interesting, these events were many years ago for us. At the time, I'd never felt so alone. Like freedomelf, I didn't tell anyone. I had a feeling it would eventually work out and I didn't want to taint anyone's opinion of Mr B. His temporary idiocy was not something I wanted hanging over either of us for the long run. I did a lot of reading on the topic and realised his feelings were quite common. I was able to accept that it wasn't about me. It was a period of extreme selfishness on his part, but it wasn't about rejecting me in favor of someone else. These posts are the first time I've ever discussed the events of that episode in our lives with anyone.

Freedomelf, I wish I could tell you how things will turn out for you. Unfortunately, I can't. You and Mr elf are in the midst of a very personal struggle and you are each unique to what you are facing. I can tell you've gone out of your way to be loving, caring, and more than tolerant. I wish you the best. Yes, it POSSIBLE to recover from this. As Phoenix said earlier, many couples have faced similar situations and rebounded with a renewed sense of what they mean to each other. I hope your husband comes to his senses soon. You've got a lot going on in your life and I hope you are able to find some peace.

Take care!

That's fabulous. Maybe that's the immediate next step? It takes things out of your hands a bit, no more of the ultimatum or not-ultimatum or listen to him or get tough -- nice and simple. "If you'd like to get back together, let's go to counseling together." Then defer anything else... "We can talk about that in counseling." It will help you figure out what you really want and what's best for both of you in a supportive, neutral atmosphere, and take some of the burden of trying to figure out how to handle the situation off of your shoulders.

If he refuses to go to counseling, that might tell you all you need right there. There is no way that everything is going to go back to hunky-dory the moment he decides to come back (if he makes that decision), and he has to be willing to work at it or it's a lost cause (IMO).

I think it's very common for wives to go through periods of extreme selfishness, too. And certainly, we're just as likely to be attracted to others. Why is it, then, that it's usually the men who tear apart their families in the process?

I mean, really. Could you even imagine a husband listening sympathetically while his 40-something wife told him how good her 24-yr-old hottie was in bed?! Of course not! They'd never put up with that! So...why should we?

I seriously doubt whether he'd even consider counseling right now. As it stands, he has his girlfriend for sex and his wife for emotional support, so why would he need it? He would most likely think counseling would be a further complication in his life, and he's got too much on his plate as it is. I would only spring the counseling request on him IF and WHEN he gets rid of Miss Silicone and says he wants to come back.

You're absolutely right that everything won't be okay just because he decides to come back. It will take a long time and a lot of work IF it can happen at all. Here's a question for J_B...how long did it take for you and Mr. B to get back to some semblance of normalcy?

Actually, as surprising as it is, he was the one who mentioned marriage counseling when he was here last weekend. He told me that he thinks that a male counselor, who could understand what he is going through, might help me to not hate him when (if) he comes back.

I told him that if I hated him, then I wouldn't let him back, but that I had no objection to going to a male counselor, if it makes him feel better.

My husband is a real knockout. It may be better to have a male counselor, who won't take one look at him and fall all over him, like most women do. I think I would rather have a male counselor at this point, anyway.

You know, my husband has always had a problem with women looking at him. He just never thought twice about it, and I was so secure that I didn't, either. But women were always after him. One time, a woman put a pair of her lacy underwear in his briefcase, with her phone number attached.... I was the one who found them in there the minute he got home! Another time his boss told me that I must be the luckiest woman on earth, because there isn't a single woman in the place who didn't have the hots for him, and yet he never looked twice. It's like that every where he goes. And I can't tell you how many cookies, main dishes and fudge that women....even women he barely knew, have made for him over the years....and how many of them had their phone numbers attached. So, considering this is the first time, I guess I can believe that it was simply a madness that overtook him.

Freedomelf - In the beginning, if the two of you go to marriage counselling, I suggest that you still live apart. I think, that for your own sanity, you need to know that your husband has completely given up on Brenda.

As I had mentioned before, I still think that your husband needs to know that there are consequences to what he has done. I think that he needs to do some "work", before you will allow him back into your life as a husband. I think that the "Brenda" thing has to be history before you take him back.

It is going to take him a while to get over her, and I don't think that you should be subjected to him crying on your shoulder about her. IMO, he needs to work that through alone, with the help of the therapist, of course.

It also might be a good idea if you could go to a therapist on your own, in addition to the marriage counselling. The focus of marriage counselling is different than individual therapy. There are things that, IMO you need to work out, that your husband does not need to hear.

I've gotten so much good advice on this thread, I feel like I have therapists here. Thanks so much.

Last night he contacted me again and told me that he would have an answer for me by next weekend. He said that he was finally feeling strong enough to face Brenda by then. I told him that he may have an answer by then, but I'm NOT SURE I would have an answer for him by then, as to whether he COULD come home. I would have to think about it this week.

Well, one thing he didn't like, that I told him. I said that since he used his computer to cheat on me while he was still living here, by IM'ing her at night and emailing without my knowing it, I feel like he invaded our home with his cheating.

I used this analogy.....I told him that the IM and emails were like a gun that he brought into our home, but always told me that they were unloaded so I didn't have to worry about them. And I believed him completely, without question, and never read any of it. Now, suddenly, I find out he lied to me about them being unloaded, and he picked them up and shot me multiple times with them. So he can't just bring them back into the house and tell me they are unloaded again.

I told him that if he did come back home, I would need to occasionally check for myself that they aren't loaded. Gone are the days of trusting him. I would want his computer passwords to check what he is doing on it, at least for a few months.

I also told him, though, that if I decided to let him back in, I would have no qualms about his deleting anything he didn't want me to see before he moved back in order to start from scratch, but that afterwards, I should be able to see anything he is doing.

He wasn't too happy about that "invasion of privacy", but how am I supposed to feel? Just go back to being Miss Innocent Sunshine?? Yes, cheating has consequences, there is no doubt about it. And that's one of them, IMHO

That's kind of what I mean by deferring -- you have to make all of these big decisions on the fly, and a lot of them are awkward to go back on.

If he wants to go to counseling (and that's to his credit), then it's much easier on you IMO, that you don't have to make these decisions and stick to them or go back on them, just, "We'll talk about it in counseling."

I think that counseling can be helpful no matter what the outcome is, as obviously there are issues with the whole family that need to be addressed. Your boys have a lot of anger that probably needs to be dealt with no matter what, as well.

I agree that going to a counselor yourself is a good idea, too, maybe a different one. Slightly different emphases.

My own opinion about the privacy issue is that while I completely get where you're coming from, and probably would feel the same myself, I think that's one of those basics that are required from a marriage -- that if you can't trust him, the marriage won't work. That's even if you have plenty of good reason to not trust him, as you do. Basically, that if you don't feel that you can regain that trust, that the enterprise is doomed.

But that's my non-professional and haven't-been-there opinion.

Knowing me, I would probably just be insecure for the first couple of months......I know I would stop checking after that. (To be honest, I don't even think I would check BEFORE then.....but I just need him to THINK I might. Don't ask me why, I'm not sure.)

Yes, trust is the main thing, and if I can't get it back, it won't work out. But he has to earn back my trust for a little while.

I don't know if the budget can handle 2 counselors. In my area they are $90-120 an hour and insurance doesn't cover it. So one a week might be all we can handle for a few months. But I do know what you are talking about, and I agree with it.

Ooh, that sucks about insurance.

Yeah, if you can only afford one, one is way better than nothing.

You seem to have a really good head on your shoulders, hope you guys are able to get through this.