noddy, I haven't really talked a whole lot about my feelings, except in therapy. At least there I am getting a chance to say things without feeling like I am tuning him out. It's really helping me a lot.
I have to admit, I'm having a hard time talking to him about my feelings....but yesterday I DID tell him that the more confused he remains, and the longer he is ambivalent towards me, the further I draw away from him. I told him that I hope he can pull me back before it is too late, and I can't get back the love. Well....I was shocked by his response! He told me that the more I say things like that, the more interesting I become and the more he turns TOWARDS me! What the heck???? He says that he is trying to figure out his head as quickly as he can, but he still has "dark times" when it comes to her.
But strangely enough, I am getting more comfort from what he says about the other woman than he realizes. For example, I noticed a small shampoo bottle....the kind you get in hotels....in his bag. Well, I asked him if he went on a trip with her. He said that he didn't get that bottle on a trip, he got it from his friend when he spent the night there before coming home..... but yes, he once took a long drive with her, about 100 miles, just to get away. He said that he had been feeling messed up in the head for several days, and was deeply depressed, so she suggested a drive to "get away from his problems and confusion." They came back late the same night, though. They just went hiking for a few hours, to get some fresh air. Of course, he was living with her at the time so they still spent the night together.
I don't know why, but it comforts me to know that he was often depressed when he was living with her. He told me that at one point, he felt like he would die if he never saw me again. He has also said things that she said, like "You hold all the cards, and I hold none, so I can't really open my mouth in this relationship." He said he didn't quite understand why she said that....but to me it is obvious.
Things like that make her sound really, really insecure about their relationship.....so she must have realized she was very vulnerable to him coming home. And it also makes me believe that she wasn't letting her TRUE self out.....for fear that he would be turned off. With me, he always sees my true self because he knows it so well. I can't hide like she can. So I think he would be in for a BIG surprise if he stayed with her. Just a feeling I get, from him saying that.
It gives me a bit of comfort to hear things like that, in a weird way. Of course, he doesn't realize that....he is clueless about a lot of things, I have to admit.
It DOES still hurt a lot when I realize he is still depressed about her on occasion (although those occasions seem to be less and less....I think it is more guilt now for the way he treated her, and sadness for their loss of friendship, than it is love).
And I worry, too, because he told me today that he is having lunch with another co-worker (male) from his former job. He said that the co-worker needs to see him because he has taken over my husband's position, and he needs to know what some of the things he did mean....just tying up loose ends. However, knowing this guy as I think I do, he will no doubt gossip about the fact that Brenda is having a hard time at the company while the rumors about why hubby left are flying. So....yes....I think it will get him to think more about her, and feel guilty and sorry for her, and everything else....and it will prevent him from feeling the happiness that he has been feeling lately with me. So I really, really hate that he has to see the guy. But I guess it can't be helped since he really needs the help in preparation for the job.