Mid-life crisis

Tino,

I don't mean this as an insult but maybe the best thing for her is to move on. You seem to not be able to do anything to work toward getting her back. You can't pursue her, you weren't able to remain faithful, and the issue with your kids is coming across to me as a way to justify not working toward rebuilding the relationship. It sounds to me like you just want to be in the right after being so in the wrong.

It sounds like being single and focusing on yourself and your children could be the best thing for you. Maybe think about seeing a therapist about your mother issues. Then your next relationship can be stronger.

Good luck.

free, my first reaction was like yours, so I know where you are coming from. But I see my husband in Tino...very much so. He is incapable of pursuing me. He is "just sort of here" and trying to figure out his life.

I have to admit, I'm getting a little tired of this. I think I know how Tino's partner is feeling, at least a bit. I am questioning whether he can care enough about me to be worth knocking myself out for. If he doesn't show it soon, it may be too late.

Perhaps Tino's partner knows that there will be a lot of changes coming if his daughter lives with them, and needs to know that it is "worth it" to her to knock herself out to help. If Tino can't give that to her, then you may be right about it being better for them apart.

Still, I love my husband and want it to work out......so I can't help but feel that she may still feel that way about Tino, and I'm kind of "rooting" for them to work it out.

It's such a lousy situation......I can't say I'm not always sad now. But I am getting better, and stronger, and I'm glad we are in therapy. So.....in the end, I think that whatever my husband does, I will be okay. If he does show that love, great. If he doesn't, then I will cope, somehow. I honestly think that HE is the one who will have a harder time than I will, in the end, because he will have to live with the consequences of his actions. I feel sorry for Tino if that is the same for him.

I didn't know whether I should bring up an old thread (still learning on this board ) but I wanted to post what the counselor said in our last session. We did an experiment in the office, where he asked us to have a normal conversation about something that we don't like about the other person. He would sit back and observe our conversation.

Well, I told my husband that I don't like the fact that anytime I ask him a question, I never get a decisive answer. Even when it's about something as simple as what he wants for dinner. I told him that I believe that stems from his fear of commitment and being tied down…..even about what he wants to eat. He actually agreed with that.

Then he told me about the fact that he HATES me calling him "Daddy". That has been my nickname for him for at least 10-15 years….I really don't remember when it started. But now he says he hates it because it makes him feel like his father, and like he is getting old. So I discussed other nicknames with him. He asked me to call him by his given name, but I objected to that because EVERYONE calls him by that……even the mail man. It's just too impersonal to suit me. So he said "honey" or "sweetie" would be okay, as long as it wasn't daddy.

Anyway…..the therapist was sitting there for 15 minutes listening to our whole conversation, and he said that he was amazed, because he had never in his 25 years of therapy seen people like us. For two people who had stopped communicating, and who spent a lot of time on their own separate computers doing their own thing, we were WONDERFUL at communication! He said that he couldn't quite understand why my husband said that I was "hard to talk to" and the other woman was easier to talk to, because he said I displayed a better than average ability to communicate and listen. He asked my husband if the conversation was indicative of what really happens when we talk to each other, and he said yes, although sometimes at home I get upset and cry, especially when he is talking about her. The counselor told him that the fact that he CAN talk about "her" to me is indicative of better than average communication. I don't think my husband saw it like that till now…..he was concentrating on the negative.

The therapist said that he has greater than average hopes that we will be able to find our way back to each other. He said that if our communication skills are any indication, that we should be able to put this episode behind us….at least for the most part…..within 6 months, and build something that is actually deeper than we had before.

Anyway, he made me feel better, and my husband said that he really likes the therapist and feels like he really knows his stuff. I was feeling bad last week because when I asked my husband if I could go into his wallet to get the pizza money, and he said "sure", I pulled out the money and a picture of "you know who" dropped out of his wallet. He had told me that he lost her pic, and didn't know where it was. Well, when that happened, he swore that he didn't know it was there. He really had thought he lost it. (He didn't have enough money in his normal part of his wallet, so I went into the secret part that always hides an extra $20…….so I guess I could understand him forgetting it was in that part.) Anyway, I was still mad…..particularly since there were no pics of me or the kids in his wallet. He did throw the pic in the garbage, and he told me that it was the only one he had of her…..so I hope that is true.

He told me yesterday that he was going to try for the 6 months that the therapist said it would take. We are in this for the long haul, I guess. This morning I could tell that he was feeling "weird" again, and he said he always has butterflies in his stomach, and wish he could get rid of them. I told him that they were always in mine, too. I guess we both have to learn to ignore them and try to enjoy life…….but I'm not sure we can. One day at a time, I guess.

Thanks again, all.


PS….after writing the above he told me that he didn't want to go see his mom with me until we were sure we were going to stay together. That freaked me out, since there is absolutely no reason….his mom loves me and has wanted us to come up and visit. She was so happy that we were back together again (at least under the same roof)….so what the heck is going on there? Something to ask the therapist about next week……

{{{{{{freedomelf}}}}}}}

Freedomelf--

He's going to invest six months in working on your relationship--but he doesn't want to take you to see his mother?

Crazy making.


You have my sympathy.

Not to mention he had a pic of "her" and not one of "the family"... someone's dreaming here. Sorry to say.

I think I had a mid-life crisis. Can't remember.
Oh wait, I think I'm having one now.

No, no J.L.- What you are having is a senior moment. That comes a bit after the mid-life crisis subsides!

Thanks, Phoenix. I needed that dose of perspective. I've always thought that the only thing I had to worry about was my JUNIOR moments--which is probably what mid-life crises are about.

Hello,

I've been reading this thread since yesterday and I am so taken by the situation and the advice from all the people who posted. Elf, you have a wonderful support group here, they are all absolutely amazing. I've read the threads with my breath held and sometimes have even laughed out loud...Did he learn to use the washingmachine yet??? That was too funny.

I'm going to suggest this post to a dear friend of mine who I think would greatly benefit from it.

I have a few questions: Does Brenda still email you? Does Mr. Elf know that she has in the past? How did she get your address in the first place?

When I read that Breanda had emailed you and said that "you must be gloating.......but that eventually he would return to me" (or something along those lines) my blood really ran cold. That was a very nasty thing to say and it really shows her class.

I was wondering if Mr. Elf knew about that and what his comments were.

I happened on this post because I feel as if I am having a mid-life crisis of sorts and I needed some answers. But the post became something else entirely. It's a blessing because I want my friend to read it.

You're an amazing woman. I have more to ask but am at work. I sincerely hope that you keep up this online dialogue because from what I have read, you have benefitted from it and the people here, including myself for what it's worth, really, really have taken your situation to heart.

Moononice- Welcome to A2K!

I think that you have found out what a lot of people happily know. This site has some of the most intelligent, supportive group of people that it has been my pleasure to know!!!

Hello, Thanks for the welcome.

I have lurked (and posted) on some lesser evolved forums and have seen people get persecuted, just torn to ribbons. I've been on the recieving end at times. It's not a fun place to be.

IMHO people who are hurting need to be given advice in small doses until they calm down and understand their situation better. Getting hammered when you are emotional or undergoing huge amounts of stress is so distressing. No matter how well meant, it just makes the reciever feel that much worse.

You guys have been great with Elf. Good for her, she deserves it.

I totally agree with this, Moononice, and well put.

Welcome!

Good to meet you, moon, and thank you for all the kind words! I heartily agree; the people here have been my lifeline.

Nope….he hasn't used the washing machine, but I am not working now and he is, so it's fair that I do it. Brenda has not emailed me since that time when he came home (gosh….it's been 3 weeks already???) and I believe him when he says that he has not contacted her. He discontinued the email that she knew, so she can't email him, and changed his phone number on his cell phone at my request. Yeah, I know he could contact her if he wanted to, but I am beginning to trust that he isn't. I'm glad he likes the counselor so much.

Last night was the first time that I got a sense that we were going to be okay. He said he was sorry that he was just a jerk, and that he had a "bad day" on Thursday as far as thinking about Brenda goes. But he admitted that the bad days are less and less……Thursday's was the first one in a week, but the first week home he had them every day. He also says that he is beginning to realize how beautiful I am. He hadn't noticed just how much prettier the shape of my face was, and my hair. He had been concentrating on her…..you know…..and the fact that she was so tiny waisted in comparison to me. But he is starting to notice things about me that are a lot more beautiful. So that made me feel better.

Anyway, we are heading out today to go visit his sister, about 3 hours away. We'll spend the night there and come home in the morning. My 19 year old will be staying at home by himself…..I told him no wild parties, hehe! He is looking forward to having the house to himself.

Yes, Mr. Elf does know that she and I had email contact, but he tells me that he doesn't want to know what she or I said. He doesn't want to read anything from her, and just wants to try to figure out how he feels with no undue influence either way. If it were me, I would be curious….but he isn't. I find that strange, but it's okay with me.

Things are better. If you had asked me yesterday, I would have said things are bad….but last night we had a wonderful conversation, and played a computer word game for an hour. We laughed like old times. Yep…things are better….I THINK. It's one day at a time, that's for sure.

I'll be away from a computer till Monday. Have a great weekend, folks!

PS to Tino....I hope you let us know how your situation is going. I'm sure a lot of people care about you here, and hope you are hurting less as the days go by. My heart goes out to you and your significant other.

hehehe, love it!

Welcome to A2K, Moononice.

Freedomelf, may your good days surpass your bad days soon.

Could you please point out the 'amazing' points? I'm at a loss here. Thank you.

Mame, shall we count the ways?

Mame,

OK. I'll bite.

I think it's amazing that my kids wake up every morning just as healthy as they were the night before. I think it's amazing that I have such a great life. I think it's amazing that I have the parents that I was born to....

I can continue but for the sake of brevity I'll stop here.

Given what I've written, no doubt you don't think those things are amazing because they have absolutely nothing to do with your life. And that's fine.

So having said that, what I find "amazing" is relative isn't it? So if I was to post what I think is amazing about Elf, you would probably post a reply invalidating what I find amazing and this would go on and on and on with no real purpose and it would be a waste of time for both of us and a chore to read by every one else who is following Elf's story.

It's useless and I won't go there. That comment was directed to Elf, not you and that's where it stands.

Elf: I'm glad that you are not "trashing" Brenda as I've seen some women do regarding the "other woman." There are millions upon millions of Brendas. I think that had it not been this particular Brenda, it would have been another. I think Mr. Elf was looking for drama and validation of his attractiveness. He hit the proverbial rut and was bored with life in general. So IMHO any anger towards Brenda would have been misplaced.

I've seen/heard so many wives dump a majority of blame on the "other woman" and although she plays a part, the person who's really to blame is the man because it is he how should either honor the relationship or leave. Maybe this was covered on one of the previous pages, I can't remember even though I've read them all.

As you start to uncover more and more, I think you will see that there are still more lies yet. He was leading a double life. No doubt, he was acting totally out of character from the person you thought him to be and this is a rude awakening; seeing that the one you love grew a completely different side. Just brace yourself because I think that there's probably more. Not in terms of other Brenda's, but in terms of the extent he went to to cover his tracks and justify what he did.

You mentioned that he MAY have been bad-mouthing you (a couple of pages ago I think). If true, this could have been his way to pave the road for an affair and have people say that it was justified. Chances are he didn't act out of impulse, he may have strategized a bit.

Just continue being prepared for anything. Take this time, while he seems to be very very honest, and ask him whatever you want. Get it all out of the way and dig deep because later, if you start bringing this up, it will be too late and you'll have a lot of unanswered questions.

What I've seen after affairs is that the women keep bringing it up over and over again and it hurts THEM more than anything. So if you decide to keep him, seems that you are, promise yourself that you are not going to let it eat at you further down the road. If you feel that you can't promise yourself this, then being alone is much better and healthier than living with resentment.

And finally: When I hit the lowest point in my life I started working out. I went to the salon, had my hair done, bought clothes. I started working on me. I didn't "break the bank" but instead of spending extra cash on new vases for the house, I spent it on me. It worked wonders for my self esteem and I deserved the pampering. You deserve it too.

ELF YOU ARE AMAZING

Moononice--

Welcome to A2K.

In general I agree with your posts, but I have to take exception to:



You are absolutely right about Mr. F. being the Chief Culprit. All the same, fooling around with a married man is tacky--and contacting the inconvenient wife to plead the cause of illicit love is way out of bounds.

Brenda is a woman with enough serious problems to make Mr. F. feel big and strong and powerful and protective--but having problems doesn't make her innocent.

Hi Noddy,

Yes, you're absolutely right. She IS NOT innocent at all. Yes I totally agree with that. I guess what I meant was....getting mad at her solves nothing really. She's a stranger, a "thing" if you will because like I said (IMO), if it wouldn't have been this Brenda, it would have probably been another one. The anger wouldn't help the situation so it's good that she's not out to strangle this woman.

You know what I mean?

OK, now you have a really good point that I totally failed to consider (silly of me since I mentioned it in another post)...Yes, she emailed Elf. That really, REALLY crosses the line. That would have pushed me over the top I think.

I stand corrected here.