What's up with that?

Beth
That's so sweet of you to say :-) Thanks so much ;-) My son really does think highly of me and tells me all the time :-D

Rae
Another sweet one. Thanks so much and right back at ya. You're truly a wonderful mom yourself ;-)

ossobuco
It's usually very easy living with mom, but we do have our differences from time to time. We started talking to eachother a bite today and we haven't talked about the situation again since I already said everything that I needed to say, but I did tell her that even though we are talking, it doesn't change a thing about how I feel and what's going to happen if it continues and she said she knows. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens from here.

Thanks for everything everyone. I love you guys ;-)

Mom and I had a long talk today about the issue and even though she still doesn't understand why I feel so strongly about this, she says she does respect my feelings and will have a talk with the butthead to get him to lay off. She still has a long way to go in understand my point of view, but it's a start.

Happy 4th everyone :-)

Hey! that's a definite step in the right direction.



Truthfully, I don't think it matters so much that she understands the particular issue, but that your mother understands that you have the right to be respected in your home. It sounds like she's making a move in that direction.

Beth
You're right and I'm really happy that we're at least getting somewhere.

{{{Beth}}} :-D

Yay!

Sozobe ;-)

Montana
Montana

WOOHOO!!!!

---BumbleBeeBoogie

Good for you, Montana!!!

Hi. I read all the entries. I've got a similar problem here, Montana, and I've been considering opening up a thread on it. Lately my personal choice has been avoidance, but I have some thoughts on your situation.

I understand why you don't want to be the one to stand up to him because you're afraid your mom will think that you are interfering with her happiness. A sticky situation, to be sure. But, it is your fight, really, not hers, IMO.

It's important to be brief and repetitive with these simpletons.

Assertiveness need not be wordy, loud, or filled with frowns.

You can be brief, quiet, and smile sweetly.

Here's a trick that my dad (from Egypt) used and then I heard about a Greek man who also used it:

Give good, kind eye-contact, lift your hand tilted just slightly upward from horizontal in his direction and gently say, "Enough."

If he continues, interupt him and say, "Enough" a tiny bit louder, and so on till he stops.

Some people have a hard time doing this simple thing, yet it is so darn effective. Pretend you are in a movie and this hand thing is equivalent to casting a spell or something.

It forces him to be a bigger and bigger jerk or to stop, while you maintain complete composure.

You really do want to see how far he will go before he stops being a jerk.

I think that is information your mother may benefit from knowing about him.

Dupre
I can't believe you said that about putting my hand up and saying enough, because that's exactly what I did the last time he toyed with me. Unfortunately, it didn't work. My mom agreed to have a serious talk with him about it because she's deathly afraid that I will offend him. At this point I don't know any other way to handle the situation without hurting some feelings, either his, my mom's or both, so I'm going to give her one last chance to set him strait. If she fails to get through to him, I will be very much in control of my anger, but I will be very serious in telling him that he is hurting me and I won't put up with that in my own home. I do believe that there are some strong feelings between him and my mother and the last thing I want to do is interfere, but I told mom that just because she has feelings for him doesn't mean that my feelings don't matter. I know that this is putting her in a spot and I feel badly about that, but her friend is putting me in a spot every time he teases me about something that obviously bothers me.

Thanks very much for your advice ;-)

I know I'm going sound like a skeptic, but here goes.

Is he hoping you will leave, so he can move on in and have complete control over your mom? He sounds like a real jerk. We've got 'em here in small town Texas, too.

I had to do the "enough" thing last night with Mr. dupre. He's been cranky and insulting lately and thinks he can go on and on with it (usually when he's in pain or tired). From the other room I said "Stop it." He usually follows this up with, "Well . . . " blah blah and so on, as if I had asked him to please further elucidate on his various insults. I kept saying, gently, "Stop it," right over his words until he did.

Then, when he realized I wasn't going to listen to any of it, he said he loved me and we laughed about it.

Menopause has its privileges.

It's sort of like a Lays potato chip. Once is NEVER "enough." You have to keep right on with it, with a rythm or like a chant right over their words. Probably not easy to do if you don't know when the next graphic episode is coming, but I know Mr. dupre's speaking pattern pretty well by now, so, anyway, it worked for me.

We've got a bully down here, too. And I just might post it to see what everyone's responses are. Like your bully, I can't entirely avoid him.

Dupre
You just gave me some food for thought. I suppose the idea of him wanting me out of the picture has briefly crossed my mind, but I honestly didn't put that much thought into it. If that's what the man is thinking then it's going to be sadly disappointed since I have no intentions of leaving. My mom and I have also talked about what would happen if they got serious and decided to live together. She said that she'd move out with him somewhere else. I wouldn't be happy about that either, but it's her life. I would have to get a room mate to help me with the expenses of this huge house we have, but I'd manage. I did tell her that I was worried about her wanting to sell the house and even though I would get half the value, I'd have to leave the best home I've ever had. She told me that she would never sell the house, so I don't have to worry about that. Phew!!!! What a relief!!!
Anyway, I'm still worried about my mother because this jerk already broke her heart 30 years ago and I just have a bad feeling about him. He's getting close to retiring and I believe he's looking for a little nest egg. The man is obviously setting me off intentionally, so one has to wonder.

Good for you with standing your ground with Mr.Dupre ;-) I have nothing but respect for people who stand up for themselves.

Now about this other bully, I'd be interested in hearing the story behind that one if you feel like sharing. If not, that's quite alright as well.

Yep, it sounds like he's looking for a place and a person to take care of him. He WILL be surprised that he can't come stay with y'all. LOL! He sounds like a user and a loser.

I'd love to tell you 'bout our local bully, tonight.

Later!

Jenny

Yup, I think your right. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Boy is he in for a big surprise, LOL!

Will be checking in to see your story later ;-)

It does seem like the fella's trying to chase you off, Montana. If he's had the upper hand in a relationship with your mother before, and you share the house with her, you may have quite a long haul in front of you. grrrrrrrrr Could you maybe, hmmmmmmmm, scare him to death?

We'll help!

LOL! You guys are awesome :-D I had another long talk with mom today and I think she finally understands how I feel. Until today she thought I might be trying to interfere in her relationship, but I finally got her to realize that this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with the way the man treats me. I've encouraged her all along to follow her heart with this man and I really needed to remind her of that so she could see that I would never interfere in her life. I explained to her that I want nothing more than for her to be happy, but I won't tolerate any form of abuse from anyone.
Then we went on to talk about his behavior in general. I think I mentioned earlier in the thread that the man is in a popular band up here and that he has a girlfriend of 5 years that he "claims he doesn't love"! Well, my mom goes to watch him play every now and then when his band plays close by and everytime she has gone, the mans girlfriend is always there. Anyway, my mom went to see him play the other day and one of the guys in the band was joking with him, pointed at my mother and said that the next song was dedicated to the woman he loves. Now the mans girlfriend was there and I can only imagine the hurt she felt when they did that. My mother ends up feeling bad because she doesn't want to cause any pain to anyone. I told my mother that if he is cruel enough to hurt his girlfriend like that on stage in front of a huge audience, then he's not a good person in my eyes. She says that she didn't like what happened and she was going to mention that to him. Now, if it was me, I'd tell the bastard to hit the road and never call me again. I would never even consider being with a man who could be so heartless, especially to a woman who loves him. I told mom that she has my blessing is whatever she decides to do and if he ever breaks her heart again, I'll be here with a shouder to cry on. I am glad that she finally understands how I feel and knows now that I'll never ever stand in her way, but also knows that I won't let anyone stand in mine. Phew! I never thought I'd get through to her, but I kept bringing up the subject until she finally knew where I stood. This sure turned out to be a job.

Good for you, Montana.....and your Mom. It's never fun when there's discord in your own house.

I hope your Mom will let the wisdom of your words sink in. She should be proud for raising such a cool daughter.

You tell her I said that, too. Darnit.

Awwww! Thanks Rae. You're so sweet and I'm sure Misti is proud to have raised a daughter as wonderful as you ;-)

I will relay your message to my mom, but only becaue you asked me too ;-)

Thanks!

You'd better do it, too! Or else!