What's up with that?

Okay, I understand, it's your Mom's house, too, and he's her friend. I guess she does have the right to have her friends over. Can you just tell her from now on to warn you when he's coming over so you can leave? If you pass him, you could tell him that you don't like to be "teased" in your own house, so it's best that one of you leave. (Maybe he'll take the hint. If not, surely your mother will. Does she ever stick up for you?!)

Montana
Montana, you appear not to be seeing the big picture with your mother and her boorish friends. Let's cut to the chase and not mince words any longer---for your sake!

You wrote: "My mom is the kind of person who would never be rude to anyone no matter how much they walk all over her and she's so afraid of offending anyone that it drives me crazy sometimes."

Don't you see the irony in your thinking? Apparently your mother is so kind to her friends that she would not be rude or offend them. The fact is that your mothers is being unkind to you; she is being rude to you; and she is offending you by her permissive attitude towards her friends.

Your mother's behavior demonstrates her misplaced loyalty, kindness and consideration to her friends rather than her daughter. This "blind spot" above all else needs to be pointed out to her in the kindest way you can find within yourself to express. If your mother values you more than her friends, she will listen to you and do something about the situation. If she doesn't, then her lack of action speaks loudly about a greater problem present in your relationship.

I'm surprised that you didn't follow through with what you have previously expressed on this thread about calling to task the guy who distressing you so much. I hope you are not falling into the trap of venting your anger on this thread while not correcting problem in your own home, which is the only place over which you can have actual control.

I hope you understand my "tough love" attitude.

-----BumbleBeeBoogie

I agree, this talk with your Mom is long overdue.

However, if she's anything like my Mom was, she is horrified at the thought of being ungracious to visitors. Like BBB said, you need to tell her that by allowing her friends to torment you, she's being rude and offensive to YOU. I bet that will get her attention! Be sure to tell her that you would NEVER allow one of your friends to treat her that way.

Eva
Unfortunately the man never calls bore he comes over, so it's a tough one. I fully intended on leaving when he shows up, but I had company over when he came the other night, so I was stuck there. I'm setting myself a sitting room in a spare bedroom we have upstairs just for those times. Thanks for all your advice.

Well, of course he never calls first...he's a jerk, right?!? So, being a jerk, it's a given that telling him off would only encourage him to be more verbally abusive. Right?

As for my advice, well...it's worth what you pay for it, y'know.

Best of luck dealing with your mom. She really needs to figure out where her loyalty lies. I feel sorry for her. Doormats have such a hard time in this life...

BBB
You're absolutely right. I am open and honest with my mother and I don't pull any punches when we have a problem, so I have told her what you said and now we are not speaking to eachother at all. I told her that allowing her friend to treat me this way is totally disrespectful to me. I pretty much made it clear that if I don't get any respect from her than we don't have a relationship. My mother is usually very respectful of my feelings, but in this case, she has "strong" feelings for this guy and she feels that I'm just trying to get in the way of a possible relationship which is crazy. Interfering in my mothers personal life is the furthest thing from my mind and I can't believe she thinks that this is about her. I lost all respect for this man, but it has nothing to do with my mother and it's all about what he's doing to me. Some day she'll see how much this is hurting me, unfortunately it won't be today. One of the resons I started this thread is because mom made me feel like I was being rediculious and self-centerd, so I had to find out what other people thought about it. Well, after reading all your thoughtful responses I know that I'm not jumping the gun and I almost let my mother read this thread yesterday just so she could see that I'm really not making a big deal out of nothing. All your thoughts are truly appeciated and I want you all to know that you are helping me tremendously through an emotionaly tough time.

Eva
I use to be a doormat as well and that didn't work for me, so I walk through life speaking my mind these days. I like who I am and that's what really matters in the end ;-)

You asked me before if mom ever stood up to me. She talks highly about me to her family and friends, but she never got the chance to stand up for me since I always beat her to it. I do pretty well in standing up for myself, but when it comes to this particular guy, she's so afraid that I'm going to drive him away that it's destroying our relationship. I want her to find out for herself what kind of a jerk the guy is so I don't end up take the blame for him not coming around anymore. It's kind of a damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Ooh, good luck, Montana. Tough one. Guess you'll have to deal with him directly, since your mother is blinded by romance. Whew...this won't be easy. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Hang in there...sooner or later, your mom will need you.

Uh, the guy is your mother's cousin and comes over with his wife? Or am I more confused than I think?

Also, while I understand the instinct to leave, it is your house and home, home being the most important word.

If your mom is thinking you are trying to break up her romance, then things sure are difficult. I hope you can have a quiet reasonable talk with her, quiet and reasonable because she is so uncomfortable with confrontation and yelling isn' t all that useful. I certainly support your standing up for yourself with both your mother and the rude visitor.

Ossobuco
I can see why you'd be confused because I started the thread to vent about people who feel compelled to tell me about their animal killings and I started off telling the story about how my mothers cousin and his wife do that, but I nicely told them that it bothers me, so they now respect my feelings and keep quiet about that stuff around me.
Then I drifted off to talking about my mothers friend who she cares deeply about and we are still on that subject. I've told the man nicely several times that his talk about killing animals and how great my rabbit would taste in a stew was bothering me and he just won't stop. Very frustrating situation to say the least.
I won't be leaving since this house is just as much mine as it is hers and I know that's not what she wants. Things will be ok in time.
Thanks so much for your support. It truly is appreciated ;-)

Thanks Eva. It sure is a tough one, but things will be ok, I'm sure of it. We haven't spoken to eachother all day, but I know she'll see things clearly in time. She won't have me to talk too, so she'll have plenty of time to think about it ;-)

Thanks so much for being so supportive :-D

Whoa. This situation didn't get better, did it? You're right, Montana. This is a tough one.

What is clear is that you have the right to be respected in your own home. By your mother and by her guests. Would it be possible to have her make arrangements for this particular guest not to drop in? Let her know he's welcome to come when you're not there. That way they have some time together and you don't have to listen to him. Kind of a win-win thing?

Maybe?

Group hug for Montana

Definitely a big hug from me!

Beth
That's a good idea, but no one around here calls before they come over and I can't see her asking him to do that. I've been juggling this in my head for quite some time and I have been slowly turning a spare bedroom upstairs into a sitting, tv, and craft room. We have one of those mini fridges that we weren't using that I brought up there. I have a new 20" tv in there with my VCR. I have my sterio there with my video games, so now all I need is a new sattelite box and connect the dish, so I can actually watch the tv and a big comfortable rocking chair and I have my own private livingroom. I would also like to eventually get a fouton couch thing to put in there in case I have company.
My bedroom is also upstairs and pretty empty, so I'm going to set up my sewing machine and all my crafts in there, so that works out too. I'll put an electric kettle there with some coffee and I won't have to come downstairs when he's here at all.
I've been very bothered by this for quite some time, but now I feel much better because I've had the support from all the wonderful people here and I'm doing what's best for me. I love and treasure my mother dearly, but I can't change who I am for anyone, including her.

{{{{Beth}}}} Happy Canada Day :-D

{{{{Eva}}}} Big hug going right back at ya :-D

Big hug for Montana! (and encouragement...)

Personal opinion --
If you've told everyone how you feel, and they know it hurts you in your own home, then when they continue to do it, it's deliberate vandalism. This is not a gray area anymore.

I would treat them just as if they spray-painted grafitti all over the living room walls. Seriously.
If you have a legal right to be in the house, then ask them to leave.
If they don't leave, demand that they do.
If they still don't, then call the cops and arrest them.
It's gone way too far!

If you're legally just a guest in the house, with no right to be there, then drop everything and walk right out the door that very instant. And don't return until it's all clear. They'll get the message!


Is a human being more important than a living room wall? If they spray-paint all over your psyche, don't tolerate it for even five seconds. Zero tolerance! Politeness is not the name of the game anymore. This is deliberate crass obscenity.

I hate confrontation as much as anyone. It's painful and hard, but you have to make your actions do the talking. Like it or not, the world continually throws bad stuff into our lives, but don't settle for anything less than what's right! Let it rip, Montana! You are so in the right to demand politeness in your home.


(Sorry but I get really pissed when people are mean to someone as nice as you).

CB
I am half owner of our home and you're absolutely right. I'm nice to everyone and I would never tease a person about anything that they feel so strongly about. I've never been happier anywhere than I am here and it's up to me to make sure it stays that way. I truly wish my mother thought of me as being as nice as others say I am, but she is having a very hard time getting past the fact that I don't let people walk all over me even if it means that I have to get angry. As wonderful as a person my mother is, she's just too nice to the point where she puts up with far more than she should. Unless it involves her family of friends she likes the fact that I speak my mind. Last week the garbage truck forgot to come up our lane, so I called the company and asked them nicely if they could come to pick it up the next day and when they said they didn't know, I demanded that they do. Well, mom was happy about that because she would have never dreamed of making that call, but if I were to confront someone she knows It's a whole different ballgame. Mom knows when someone hurts me that I have no problem being rude to them and I think that it's about time that she gets use to it. She knows I don't just fly off the handle and it takes quite a bit of pushing me before I finally get angry enough to let whatever is on my mind roll off my tongue, so at least she see's it coming and there are no surprises. Maybe some day she'll accept the fact that I'm not her and take me just the way I am. I like myself just the way I am and I'm simply not going to change for anyone.

You're the best CB ;-) Huge {{{hug}}} and smooch going your way for your support and encouragement :-D

Good for you. You are definitely someone your son can admire.

Miss Montana is pure gold. And she's a terrific Ma.

Quite a great friend, too. :wink:

Sorry for the confusion, Montana, missed the change of men.

I have mixed feelings, one, that you shouldn't be vacating any space, geez. And second that, hmm, could it be two places with separate entrances?

It is always hard, or I think it is always hard, for two grown women to share a space. When I had roommates as a young woman, I can see I was really just fourteen going on twenty x. As an older woman, I can barely imagine sharing a space. This is different, I suppose, in different cultures. I am guessing it is tricky in most.