I asked him to leave...

Heph--



Good.

Unfortunately an emotional crisis is a bit like scurvy. You need...you need...and wounds that you thought were long healed break open and bleed again.

The experiences of the last few years and the decisions of the last few days have changed (and enlarged) you as a person. This means that the New You has got to make a survey of the middle past and the long past since your perspective on these pasts has changed.

You were betrayed as a child--and the recent betrayal reminds that inner child that you were unfairly treated.

Today on my way back from the bakery, I saw a red tailed hawk swoop across a meadow and dip down to catch a little snack. She missed, caught her balance and collapsed on a handy tree branch to decide what to do next.

Take the hawk as your emblem for the day. Use A2K as a tree branch--unless you have something more fun or more sustaining.

Hold your dominion.

Thank you Noddy.

I like the hawk imagery (the hawk, of course, is saying, in hawkese, "I meant to do that.").

You know it's going to be all right, but right now it's tough because you aren't at that spot yet. The middle part is what stinks. It's the piece where everything is unsettled and crazy-making.

But it's also finite. You can get there, one step at a time.

Thank you for the encouragement. It is very helpful right now.

Step one:

Last night brought some clarity to me about this entire situation and it's something I need to share with you all. He came over to get some stuff and we discussed some important things. Both of us laid out an ultimatum for the other. Neither of us were willing to bend. That is the facts. However, as I have said before, I will take responsibility for my part in this, but I will not take responsibility for all of the problems in our marriage.

He is not a monster, though in truth that is how it feels to me right now. I am hurt. I am angry, and many things I have said have come out of that perception. The truth is there were many "red flags" along the way. Things I compromised on. Things I was not comfortable with, but approached with the idea, "Well, God will work it all out." I made those choices not him. At any time I could have said, "Nope, this isn't right." But I didn't. I just kept going. That wasn't fair to either of us.

I said my share of hurtful things. I did my share of hurtful actions. We were on a downward spiral from the very beginning. I see that now with a clarity like never before. We reacted off of each other. We reacted off of failed expectations. We reacted off of disappointment. There was disappointment from the very beginning for both of us, I realize this now as well. He didn't steal those 12 years from me, I gave them to him, and then I couldn't let it go because I had gone against my own conscience. Regardless of the fact that there was manipulation in that whole situation, I made the choice to believe what he said.

I realized Noddy's statement was accurate:



This whole thing reopened a lot of wounds for me personally. The more wounds it opened the more I closed up. This does not exempt him from the treatment he gave me as a response. It doesn't excuse any of my reactions either. We failed each other. It's just that simple. I understand it now. I needed to say this because I need to apologize if I have made him out to be a monster. He is not. He did a lot of unjust things. Treated me in ways no one should ever be treated. But he is human just like me. He reacted off of his hurt just like me. Right or wrong that is the truth. I finally understand.

Please forgive me. I hope that this will not damage my integrity with you all. Thank you again for all your help and advice.

Heph--

Honestly! When does acquiring a bit of hard-won wisdom turn A2K members off.

Go, girl! Grow, girl!

Hold your dominion.

Heph,

I have to hand it to you, girl. You are handling the process of this in a most admirable way. I've always felt you had a particular insight into all sides of an issue. The hardest side of any issue is to see our own responsibility in it.

Sometimes, even our most innocent of intentions may someday be seen as a lesson to ourselves.

We love you!

Wow, heph. I don't even know what to say except...

You rock!

Hep- Forgive you?

You have gone through a process that would drown a lesser woman. You deserve congratulations, not forgiveness!

You're doin' fine.

Forgiveness is for people who did something wrong.
You did nothing wrong.
So, er, I don't forgive you?

Uh, you know what I mean.

You all are so awesome. I can't express how grateful I am for all the encouragement, support, and advice. For all of you sticking with me through this. It has helped so much, and is continuing to help as the days go by. Thank you.

LOL jespah. Yeah. I know what you mean. hehehe

Good! Now, there is just one more thing. Er, maybe two.

First, it is a great thing to be able to see all sides of a situation. I do that, too. It will help you in the long run. HOWEVER...don't EVER forget that your first job is to take care of yourself. Especially when dealing with a legal process. Lawyers look at everything in adversarial terms. (A divorce is Him VS. Her, etc.) Especially divorce lawyers. It's all about winning to them. Regardless of what your soon-to-be-ex thinks or says, his lawyer will be trying to get as much as possible for him. It's his responsibility. Therefore, you MUST have someone of at least equal skill representing YOUR interests. Am I being clear enough here?! GET A GOOD LAWYER IMMEDIATELY!!!

Now...about ways to handle the anger. First, there is physical exercise. Running is good, kickboxing is even better. Anything that gives you a target to pummel in a controlled environment will work. When I was going through a divorce, I ran. At first I pretended I was stomping on his face with every step. Then, every corner I turned was another year I was leaving behind me, etc. You get the idea.

Besides exercise, destruction is therapeutic. Tear something up. Just be sure it's something inconsequential. Maybe it's breaking cheap mugs against a brick wall...maybe it's pounding a pillow...maybe it's weeding a garden, pretending the weeds are his hair and you're pulling it out one hunk at a time.

Think this is funny? At the point where you're doing these things...and laughing...you know you're getting better. Because laughter is the best, most productive way to dispel stress there is.

(((Hugs to you)))

Now, go destroy something.

Though life can sometimes throw us for a loop and things aren't the best they've ever been for me right now I just had to share something with you all.

I am 35 years old and I just told my brother for the first time in my life that I love him. He said it first. Not that I had never thought about saying it. It just wasn't something we ever said. The things I went through in my childhood really weren't all to much better than what he went through. There was always a great distance between us emotionally. As if somehow if we kept that distance between us maybe the hurts we faced together, that actually drove us apart, wouldn't be recognized. I told him about all the stuff going on. That wasn't easy for me to do. I'm really not too close with my family. That's just not how I grew up. But I knew I had to tell him because he was going to come out to our second ceremony this spring. (long story)

He had asked my mom about it not too long ago so I knew I couldn't put off telling him much longer. I took a deep breath and called him tonight. I was a little scared. I wasn't to sure how he would react. He didn't react though he just said, "Robin, I know I've never told you this before but I am so proud of you. You have turned out to be quite a woman. I don't think I will ever be able to look at you as my "little sister" again. I am just so proud of you." And we talked for the first time about our childhood, and laughed together about memories that I've always laughed about alone. It was awesome. I just needed to share. I mean... WOW...

Heph--

Doors open.

As cliches go, you're starting on the rest of your life.

Hold your dominion.

That's nice, heph. Sometimes you do get to start over again.

I'm lucky to have two brothers and two sisters. They are absolutely the BEST people in the world. The most memorable and endearing times of my adult life have been when the five of us are together.

Your brother is there for you when you need him and will support you like no one else in this world! Neat huh!

Hepzibah,

Wow! That is wonderful! I am happy for the both of you!

I can't tell you how many times I have come back to this thread to say something and have stopped myself. It's amazing really how much better I feel since I stopped running my mouth constantly. I don't know if you all have noticed a change in my mood or not, but I sure have! Whew! Anyway, I'm in a bit of a predicament right now. Gosh darn it. This is such a moral dilema to me, this whole stinkin situation. I want to file for divorce because I don't think he ever will, but I don't know. I've never believed in divorce.

I always said I would only get married once. I don't know what the heck to do. I feel like such a hypocrite for even thinking about it, to be honest. I don't think he's a bad person, but I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't have married him so quickly. That choice has changed the whole course of my life. Any advice anyone? Don't get me wrong. I'm not asking you to tell me what to do. I know only I can decide what's right for me. I guess I could just use a little outside insight. (LOL that sounds funny...) I never thought I would even need to question any of this, and now that I am, well some days I'm just not sure what to do. Any insight would be helpful I think.

When you gotta go you gotta go

Canadian law supports the view that there is no real world difference between marriage and common-law.

I have gotten married simply to satisfy the idealized romanticism of the women, not because I thought it made things any better or any different.

Part of your answer may be in here



It's been a month since you asked him to leave. Maybe spend some time thinking before you bounce into the next activity.

~~~~~~~

and as a sidebar, just because you said you'd only marry once - so what.

We all say things that don't make perfect sense <for us> once we've had a chance to reflect on them. Circumstances change. We change.

You're still quite a young woman. Don't tie yourself up in anyone's 'rules', including your own. Be flexible. It's a good thing.

~~~~~~~

I'm at least a decade older than you are, hephzibah, and I'm still learning about myself and my relationships and my needs every blinkin' day - and I know that learning isn't going to slow down anytime soon.