I asked him to leave...

I feel really crappy right now. No specific reason really. I'm just angry and hurt and tired of feeling like I'm giving myself away for nothing. I'm feeling empty again. It honestly feels better than the constant frustration and fear I was living in just two days ago. Well there's still some fear. I don't know why. I honestly don't believe he would hurt me physically. He's said a lot of hurtful things. A lot of things that have left me feeling about two inches tall. He's belittled me and everything I believe without even realizing he's doing it. I know it might seem silly but I just don't think what I felt or wanted was ever important to him.

Just an example: Earlier this week it was getting kind of late and the dog wanted to go outside. When it's later at night I put him out on the tie out because if he has his collar on he can wander a much bigger area and is harder to get back inside. My husband was getting ready to go to bed so I asked if he would please put charlie out on the tie out instead of the collar because it was getting late. He said, "Well I always put him out on his collar no matter what time it is." I said, "Please, just do it for me. You are going to bed and I don't feel like having to go outside and look for him this late at night." I left it at that. He let the dog out and went to bed. I looked out the window about a half an hour later and there was the tie out laying on the ground.

I didn't pitch a fit but I was angry. He couldn't do just one little thing that was important to me or to make things convenient for me. This kind of little stuff happened all the time. I didn't waste much time pointing it out because that would have made life just a never ending argument. But as time went on and stuff like this kept happening, it left me feeling like what I wanted was insignificant to him. But then when I did get upset about stuff he would tell me I am the love of his life and he would do anything to make me happy. It got to be quite confusing for me.

He told me all the time that he never felt supported by me. I guess I can understand why he felt that way. All he usually ever wanted to talk about was what a great car salesman he is and how he can outsell most of the other sales people. I wasn't impressed by that. It's just a job. Get over yourself. I mean I was glad he was doing good and enjoying it too, but I just got sick of hearing what a great person he is all the time while I'm living with how he's treating me in private. While I'm wondering day to day if he still wants me. If he really loves me. If it really is love to tell someone you love them then take all your anger out on them, belittle them and make them feel stupid. I don't think that is love. If it is I don't want any part in it.

I guess that I'm hurt the most because I'm really not the most open person to really close relationships like this. This was huge for me to even have allowed someone as close to me as I allowed him. It's very hard for me to let people THAT close. I made myself vulnerable to him in ways I have never made myself vulnerable to anyone in my life. It was a constant battle for me because I've been hurt and betrayed in so many ways by so many people. Now I'm left feeling like it was all for nothing. I'm right back where I started. No I'm about two steps back from where I started. I wanted to learn to trust in that way. I wanted to experience a close relationship like that. I wanted to feel what it felt like to have someone be in love with you. I hate this. I really do.

Heph--

Check out:

http://www.drdaveanddee.com/ab.html

Abuse isn't always physical.

11 out of 23.

Thank you flushd.

Reality is starting to sink in now. I'm starting to "get" some of the things that have been said. I'm scared. I don't know of what exactly. Every time I hear a car door close outside or a car rolling across the gravel my heart sinks and I think, "Oh God please don't let it be him..." and I run to the window to make sure it's not. Every time the phone rings my heart races as I wait for the caller ID to show who's calling. I got a hang up call earlier today and sat shaking for like five minutes afterwards.

I was worried all day today at work that I was going to come home to the house broken into, the animals gone, and the place ransacked. Or that his car would be parked in the driveway when I got here. It's funny you mentioned control flushd. He brought that up this morning when he called. He said he is pissed because I have total control of the situation and he doesn't like that. He thinks I'm being unfair. He said I've always tried to control everything. I need someone here right now. I understand what I was being told now. Oh God, I really need someone here with me.

Hephzibah, I hope by now you've found the peace of sleep. I don't know much about your situation, so don't have advice to offer. Your last post bothered me though, I've felt that same fear. Just wanted to say to you that though you're feeling alone & isolated right now, you're not either of those things. There are plenty of people who are standing behind you.

Tomorrow, the sun will be up again. And things will look a lot brighter, a lot less scary in the light of the day. Then, when you're feeling better and have had your morning cup of coffee, find a friend who can come stay the night with you. Or whom you can stay the night with. Don't spend another night like this one, until you've found your equilibrium again. It will happen. You will be fine. Till then, trust your instincts and use your intellect. Take care of yourself.

Hep- Well, that says it all. It might be a good idea of you spoke with an attorney. Try to have as little to do with him as possible. He will use your confusion and ambivalence against you. In an ideal situation, you should not have to talk to him at all. If he comes to get his things, make sure that there is someone with you in the house.

One of the things that an abuser does is attempt to make the other person feel responsible for what is happening. I know that it is hard, but if he says anything to you which is hurtful, you need to "let it go in one ear and out the other". If he says anything at all to you that might be construed as a threat, get a restraining order against him.

He can only get control of you if you allow it.

Thank you heatwave and phoenix. You both are right. I came to terms with a few things last night. I'm going to share my blog from this morning because it says it all:

Saturday, February 25, 2006 9:06 AM

This sucks. I hate it. I just realized last night how scared I really am. It's the weirdest thing because I knew I was a little scared but I just thought, like someone said to me recently, "This too will pass, I've made it through worse things alone, I can make it through this." Then the whole time I was a work yesterday I was so afraid of what I would come home to. The house broken into, the animals gone, the place ransacked... or worse yet his car sitting in the driveway with him sitting there drunk, waiting for me to get home.

I think that's why the fear finally got the best of me last night. I was stressed out all day about it. Not knowing what was going to happen, if anything even was going to happen, or if I'm just being paranoid. I realized something else too. I realized that yeah, I've made it through a hell of a lot by myself. More than most people experience in a life time. I've always functioned in the mind set that I have to do that. I don't have another choice because my experience has been that when you need people the most they are gone.

This was hard for my husband to understand. This was one of our problems. I am very independent because I've always had to be. It was do or die for me my whole life. I explained this to him before we got married. I told him it was going to be a struggle for me to let some of that go but with time I would if he could be patient with me and understand that there's a few scars in my life that still need healing. He said, "Oh baby, I do understand. I know it is hard for you. But I love you so much I would do anything for you." That only lasted about a month after we got married.

Then he would get so angry and pressure me to give things up. He was so jealous of everything. My mentor, the forum I joined, the animals, my friends. When he was here he was suppose to be the center of my universe. My all in all. The ONLY thing I paid attention to. The tighter he tried to hold me, the harder I started kicking and fighting to get away from him. The less I wanted to be with him. We would try to talk about it, I would try to explain, but I was always met with ridicule of some sort and reminded how I wasn't meeting HIS needs. This was one of those things he was talking about when he said everything I say is just to excuse my own behavior.

I realized though finally that I don't have to do this alone. I don't have to be alone. I don't have to face this alone, and to try to do so would be foolish on my part. There are so many people supporting me right now I'm a little flabbergasted about it. People from the forum. Friends from work. My family. Wow... My family is supporting me too. They are usually the first ones to jump right in and tell me how much I screwed up. I realized I am weak right now and that's ok. I don't always have to be strong. I don't have to prove to the world I can stand on my own and that I don't need anyone.

I can cry. I can scream. I can shout. I can be angry. I can be hurt. I can be frustrated. I can be full of fury one minute and happy the next. I can be laughing and joking one minute, and crying my eyes out the next. I am grieving. It is part of the process. It IS going to be ok, because I am not alone and I don't have to be. This is honestly the first time I've felt this in my life. Maybe something good can come of all this after all.

By George, I think she's got it! You go girl! You will go from strong to weak and happy to sad in a heartbeat for awhile and that's perfectly okay.

We are all here for you!

Yup, expect a rollercoaster for awhile, heph. At some point you need to think about reality issues such as an attorney, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. It doesn't need to be today certainly, but the tasks of moving forward sometimes help with the emotions of moving forward. Getting someone to move in with you is a good idea.



Excellent!

PS If the dude complains again about his stuff -- oh, and since he's reading this, I suggest he click on this website -- here ya go: http://www.publicstorage.com/ Sounds like he'd need a 10 x 10 or a 7 1/2 x 10 space. Really, it's not rocket science for him to get a place for his stuff.

Or for anything else that he's complaining about as inconveniencing him.

As for the other stuff, oy, not so easy to solve. Agreed that seeing an attorney is a good idea. Know your options, even if you decide not to exercise them.

I think you're on your way.

Moving On...

You can't break a spirit
That's already broken
You can't steal what has been given

You can't take the soul
As your own little token
Of someone with the will to live

You can't make me weak
So you can feel strong
You can't lie to me anymore

You won't make me speak
Or believe I am wrong
You will not come back in my door

You do not understand
The consequence of this
The suffering all this has caused

The power in your hand
The signals you missed
That something was terribly wrong

Of my free will I gave
Without any regrets
I'm not sorry for what I did

But I am not your slave
I'm calling off all bets
This is not how I will live

Thank you for the few times
Things were honestly good
I can see some of that stuff now

I have seen in your eyes
All the things that you would
Do for me if you could know how

To want to do something
Is clearly not enough
To sustain a love that is true

Words truly mean nothing
They are only a bluff
When words don't show in what you do

I do hate what you've done
But I will not hate you
Or say you are a bad person

I will choose not to run
I'm learning what to do
Chains are starting to loosen

I won't give up on you
But I will not be here
To be the brunt of your whims

I now know what to do
It's not living in fear
But to move on and re-begin

I chose not to regret
Having loved who you are
It's more than what the outside shows

I hope someday you'll get
True love is not too far
Believe in yourself and you will know

So with a heavy heart
Many tears in my eyes
I am turning to walk away

I'm making a new start
I am saying goodbye
I am starting a brand new day

Good for you, hephzibah! I've been reading along for several weeks now, expecting this. It was inevitable.

I'm absolutely with roger. Yep, your problem is HIM. I have no doubt that he is going to show his true colors in the next few days/weeks, so be prepared. He's losing control, and he will be angry about that. Too bad.

As far as his possessions go, I'd notify your landlord that he is gone and you're staying, so you need the lease changed to your name now. Then I'd package up all his stuff and have it delivered to wherever he's staying now. Let him figure out where he wants it. It's not your problem anymore.

In fact, let that be your mantra in dealing with him.

"It's not my problem anymore."

"It's not my problem anymore."

"It's not my problem anymore."

(Are you repeating after me? Good.)

Heph--



If this is so, why does he want you to work through your hangups (STAT) and start being a docile little wife again?

The guy is a louse, but he does know how to push your guilt buttons. Solution: Disconnect the buttons. His insecurity is not your fault. You didn't cause it and Mother Teresa herself couldn't patch it.

Disconnecting as we speak... Gotta run to work now. I'll catch up with you all later. Thanks again you guys. I do appreciate all of you.

Well, he called again. He wanted me to leave the door unlocked for him tonight while I was at work so he could come get the title for his car. You see... I have inconvenienced him so greatly by making him drive so far to work that now his car is dying and he HAD to buy a new one. So he needs the title to trade in his old one. I told him no and offered to get the title and leave it in an envelope in the shed. He said he didn't know where it was and would have to look for it so I said, "Ok then you can come tomorrow when I'm home and look for it then since you can't give the title to them until Monday anyway." He said, "ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT ME THERE IF YOU AREN'T THERE?" I said. "Yes, as a matter a fact I am." He said, "FINE" and hung up on me.

There's history with this whole buying a new car thing. He spent three of the last four months trying to convince me we need one. I told him no at least a 100 times. Two car payments... TOO much. Fix the old one, save some money, by a new one. It's easy. One of the arguments to that was... LOL... this is actually funny to me now... OH NO! You never want to buy a car outright. That takes away from your "net worth". LOL Net worth Net Shmerth. I can't take it with me when I die... I don't care... He's pulling out all the stops now. You see a month ago his mom bought a new car from him and intentionally kept her old one in case anyone in the family had car troubles and needed to borrow it. Betcha can't guess who he's living with...

So he's coming by tomorrow. He said he'd call before he comes. I called all my resources and no one is able to be here with me. I'll be ok though. I'm feeling a little stronger now. I won't let him tear me down anymore. If he trys to get one over on me I'll ask him to leave. This is my house now. Not his.

Now, it's obvious to me, at least, you don't want him there while you're away. What do you suppose he thinks those shiny new locks are for?

Decoration I suppose. :wink: There is the off chance... he is really clueless on this and possibly not following this thread. I just realized today when I reread my blogs he could have gotten the information he repeated to me from there. However... I don't really trust that idea too much. He is very cunning and puts on a really good show. Of course you know if he even meantioned the new locks that would immediately show he'd been here while I was gone. Since I got the key from him before he left it would be obvious that at some point he had gotten a copy made fully intending to use it if he had to. Now... that just wouldn't put him in the best light would it? Especially if he is trying really hard to work out a plan to gain back trust with me. LOL He's a dork. I swear he thinks I'm stupid.

Shewolf I wish I did. Thank you.

I don't know why I feel the need to do this but here it is, today's blog:

Sunday, February 26, 2006 10:00 AM

Drawing strength from the past...


Day 12 of my journey. I knew I was starting a journey when I started blogging. I don't really know if I'm using this website for it's intended use, I just know I need to talk somewhere. I need to BE somewhere. Other than where I am. Somewhere safe, comforting, welcoming. I woke up this morning with an icky feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think I dreamed about him again last night, though I don't remember the dream if I did. Actually I think I've dreamt about him every night since he left. Not happy dreams. I had an awesome day yesterday. I was in a pretty good mood almost all day. I laughed, I joked, I didn't even think if him, or the situation for the most part.

I felt stronger yesterday than I have in a long time. I actually felt like "me" again for awhile. That sounds so strange, but it is true. I used to be really laid back, almost always laughing and finding the humor in things. I love to laugh. It feels so good. I didn't laugh or smile much as a kid I don't think. By the time I was in my early 20's I really didn't laugh or smile at all. I had a constant little black cloud over my head that followed me everywhere I went and rained on me. One time when I was about 23, I was talking to the pastor of my church. I was so depressed and miserable as always. I don't remember everything he said to me but two things have always stuck with me:

Depression is anger turned inside out and

The sun is still shining even if you can't see it.

He died not to long after that conversation. He had cancer. No one knew. He never told anyone, even his family, about the pain he was suffering in secret. When it finally got to be too much it was too late. I noticed something was wrong because I would go to the church every morning to pray and he always showed up about an hour after me. Then one day he kept coming later and later. And when he'd get there he was limping. I finally asked him what was wrong. He just said his leg hurt. That was all. He went to the hospital and they found a blood clot in his leg, and all the sudden they started finding all these other problems.

He had a mild stroke and recovered somewhat. He was still pretty weak, but he insisted he be allowed to come to church one more time. The Sunday before he came they made an announcement that he was coming but we were not to hover over him or rush at him because he was in a very weakened condition. They said he would address the church as a whole, not individually, because it would be too much for him. We all waited with anticipation for his arrival the next Sunday because we hadn't seen him in about a month. The family would not allow any visitors to come see him except for people they thought were really strong prayer warriors, as they called it. He was a very loved and respected man. One of the most honest people I've ever met in my life.

I remember feeling disappointed when he first walked through the door because here was a man who I had loved as a father, the only father figure I'd really had or trusted in my life, who had always been so strong in my eyes, and he looked so weak and frail. Like if you touched him he might fall apart. I remember thinking how unfair it was because I didn't know if I would ever see him again and I didn't feel like I could talk to him because of what they had said the previous Sunday. I just wanted to tell him how important he was to me. How much he'd helped me. I wanted to say goodbye.. Just in case you know? Just in case. Well I sat quietly in my chair and watched them helping him up the center aisle. They were about to pass me and he looked at me. He stopped and they tried to get him to keep going but he pulled away from them. He took me by the hands, made me stand up, and hugged me so tight.

He whispered in my ear, "Robin, don't give up. No matter what happens, don't give up. There is something special inside of you. Just keep moving forward. You are going to make it." I think he knew that he was going to die soon. He released me and they grab his arms and led him to the front. He went back to the hospital and had a massive stroke within just a couple of days. He was still alive, but barely clinging to life. He was on life support. I guess the way it ended was after about a week of him being in this condition his family all gathered around him and cried and told him they were letting him go, and he went. In less than a minute of them saying that, he went. I never did get to say goodbye, but I think somehow he knew. I wonder if he knew that I would be sitting here so many years later thinking of him and what said to me. Feeling so much like giving up sometimes, then I hear those words in my head and I remember him.

I remember his strength and how bad I wanted to be that strong. I remember his love for people and how I wanted to learn to love people like that. I remember his uncanny ability to see the good in everything and how I wanted to be able to do that too. I remember all those times we would sit and talk and how he was the only person in my life who didn't have judgement in his eyes when he looked at me. He never told me what I couldn't do. He only told me what I could do if I didn't give up. I miss him, but his words live on in my heart, and somehow even after all these years, they still give me strength to go on.

Heph,

I don't know what happened but I had posted something right before you but well, it's gone.

If you are at all uncomfortable being alone with him, you can call the police of Sheriff and explain that to them. They will send someone out to be there while he is there. You can accomplish a few things by doing this: 1) you will be safe; 2) HE will know you are serious; 3) HE will definitely know YOU are NOT stupid!

I imagine he thinks you are stupid, Heph. That's just the facts unfortunately. If he thinks you are stupid then he doesn't have to look at himself.

Hang in there, you are doing wonderfully!

Hep- Your pastor gave you a wonderful gift. Cherish it, and remember it, each time you find yourself falling back into old patterns.

You are doing great, girl!