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I asked him to leave...

 
 
Treya
 
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 01:47 pm
It's been a rough day. I asked my husband to leave. He said he would but he's not feeling well. So he went to lay back down for awhile. I'm just sitting here wondering what is going on. I've been trying to distract myself. It's not working so well. He's hurt. I don't blame him. I am too. I didn't cry. I don't usually ever cry in front of anyone. It takes a LOT to get me to that point. But he doesn't see just how many tears I have shed in the last nine months. No one does, and that's ok with me. I've cried more in the last two weeks than I have in probably the last seven years total.

I hope he leaves soon. This is killing me. Well, not really, but it sure feels like it right now. I wish I could make him understand. I wish I could get myself to understand. I wish this didn't hurt so bad. I just needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening. Well... reading anyway.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 9,502 • Replies: 241
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shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 01:51 pm
I think I am missing a big key to this story..

but, if you asking him to leave, prompted the " im too sick"...
that makes me wonder

is he wanting to work on things and doesnt have the ability to say so?

is he just being rude/spitefull?

( you ok with him being there? )
0 Replies
 
cyphercat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 01:51 pm
Oh, heph, I'm so sorry you're in a rough patch. I've been concerned about you, I've noticed you mentioning some not-so-happy sounding stuff in few threads... Are you talking about telling him to leave permanently, or is it a temporary thing?
0 Replies
 
Treya
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 01:58 pm
I don't know anything right now except I need him to go. I told him I was making no promises but that I would seek counselling to work through my feelings and find out what's up and am hoping he will do the same. I don't know if he will or not. He didn't say either way. I can't talk too much right now. I will answer your questions in a little bit shewolf as soon as he leaves.
0 Replies
 
Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 02:20 pm
Hephzibah--

I've heard that one big "advantage" in having a spouse die of cancer or another lingering disease is that you can accomplish some of your mourning in advance.

You've been mourning for nine months and are celebrating the death of a marriage.

I have no idea whether your invalid is saying, "You can't throw me out because I'm sick" or "The thought of leaving you makes me sick" or "This is my castle and I can be sick if I want to".

I believe in other threads you've said he has family in the area--you aren't tossing him out in the proverbial snowdrift?

Mourning a failed marriage is a very sensible thing to do--as long as you don't get yourself back in the marriage because spending two years recovering from a bad situation seems harder than spending the rest of your life dealing with a Spouse of Wilful Misunderstanding.

We're here if you need to chat.

Hold your dominion.
0 Replies
 
Treya
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 02:44 pm
he's gone. i feel empty. is this normal?
0 Replies
 
Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 02:52 pm
Hep--

Normal? Of course empty aching is normal.

You've spent many months schooling yourself to be a half of a loving couple. A loving and supportive marriage was part of the fabric of the universe.

You discovered that your marriage wasn't all that loving and supportive, but you invested a great deal of time and energy (and money) into the illusion of a happy marriage.

You aren't a person to quit projects because they are hard. You are a person who "quits" only when the situation is impossible and personally destructive. You are not in any suicidal.

Hold your dominion.
0 Replies
 
Treya
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 03:19 pm
shewolfnm wrote:
I think I am missing a big key to this story..

but, if you asking him to leave, prompted the " im too sick"...
that makes me wonder

is he wanting to work on things and doesnt have the ability to say so?

is he just being rude/spitefull?

( you ok with him being there? )


Shewolf,

He didn't want to leave. I think he might have saw it coming based on a letter he left me to find last night when I got home from work. Long story made short I married a man who I did not know very well. He wasn't what he made himself out to be. I don't feel I tried to change him, but I did try to work things out as best I could under the circumstances. There were certain behaviors that were intolerable that I did address and he would either not acknowledge that it was a problem or would say it was my problem because it was bothering me. There are a few things he did try to do but nothing ever seemed to last.

Then he would turn around and tell me over and over that he would do whatever it takes to make this work. That is until it came to anything that had to do with him. I asked him to leave. I told him I wanted a separation and that there no promises I could give him at this time as far as if it is permanent or not. I told him I am seeking counseling and I hope that he will too because I think there are important things that both of us need to work through. I don't know if he will. I don't know if he really see's that he's part of the problem. I don't think he's the whole problem. I don't' think this is all his fault. I've made my share of mistakes. Said my share of hurtful things.

However, I will not take responsibility for all of the problems in our marriage.

I know he may read this and so if he does...

I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt you. I need support and I've found it here. I hope that if this does hurt you someday you will be able to forgive me and understand that I can't work through this alone.
0 Replies
 
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 04:01 pm
My Wing Sista,

There's not a lot that I can say here. I've pretty much shared with you my feelings about this. But, I want to you know something. There are some pretty insightful people on A2K. Shewolfnm ad Noddy are two at the very top of the list. They have a way of being able to look at the entire situation and offer some excellent options.

I will always be there for you to vent, scream, cry, laugh or whatever it is you need me for and I know you know that. But these ladies, they are pretty awesome, Heph. Reading their posts you can hear their concern for you. Listen to them. I think you will find great wisdom in their advice.

My only advice to you is honey, forgive yourself. You fell in love with a man who wasn't what you throught he was. How were you to know? You fell in love with what was presented to you and you trusted that. In my book, makes you a pretty awesome person. Trust ain't easy baby. Yet, you were courageous enough to do it.

Ya know I love ya and I am praying for you.http://web4.ehost-services.com/el2ton1/heart.gif
0 Replies
 
Treya
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 04:37 pm
Asking him to leave was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever done in my life so far. Thank you all for being here for me. I have to go for awhile now. I can't just sit here. I think I've finally worked up the courage to make the phone calls I need to make. I'll be around.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 04:46 pm
hephzibah, you are a very courageous woman.

Smart and insightful as well, if Setanta's respect for you is any measure.

Good luck with this - and don't hesitate to use A2K as one of your venting spots. Sometimes it's easier to vent where everybody doesn't know your name. You can say things/work things out in your head/get input from people who have nothing to gain or lose from their comments.

Continue to take care of yourself.
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 05:06 pm
Hey, Heph. Of course you feel empty. I'd be surprised if you didn't. It might hit you later, maybe even much later but don't feel bad that you don't feel anything but empty.

Also, I'd advise against making any other major life changes right now. If you're employed, then I'd suggest keeping your job. I know you don't have family closeby, but are there IRL people who can be with you when you don't want to be alone?

We're here and we'd love to talk, help, sit, etc., but sometimes you need as real person to be with you.

Good luck, heph. The sun will rise tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. It won't be the easiest week/month of your life, but you'll get through it and you'll be stronger in the end for having done so.

{{{{{heph}}}}}
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 05:34 pm
Not much to say that hasn't already been expressed. We're here for ya.

It's a step. What it leads to, no one knows yet. But overcoming inertia is a hard thing to do, and I salute you. So many of the people who come through here never get up enough escape velocity to face their problems head on.

Hugs.
0 Replies
 
Treya
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 08:26 pm
Quote:
Oh, heph, I'm so sorry you're in a rough patch. I've been concerned about you, I've noticed you mentioning some not-so-happy sounding stuff in few threads... Are you talking about telling him to leave permanently, or is it a temporary thing?


Cyphercat, Thank you. I appreciate your concern. It's going to be ok somehow. I don't know how, but I've got to believe the sun is still shining even if I can't see it right now because it's hidden behind some dark clouds.

Quote:
Hep--

Normal? Of course empty aching is normal.

You've spent many months schooling yourself to be a half of a loving couple. A loving and supportive marriage was part of the fabric of the universe.

You discovered that your marriage wasn't all that loving and supportive, but you invested a great deal of time and energy (and money) into the illusion of a happy marriage.

You aren't a person to quit projects because they are hard. You are a person who "quits" only when the situation is impossible and personally destructive. You are not in any suicidal.

Hold your dominion.


Noddy, that makes sense. That explains why I feel so drained. I appreciate your advice and willingness to reach out to me. Your encouragement means so much to me.

Quote:
My Wing Sista,

There's not a lot that I can say here. I've pretty much shared with you my feelings about this. But, I want to you know something. There are some pretty insightful people on A2K. Shewolfnm ad Noddy are two at the very top of the list. They have a way of being able to look at the entire situation and offer some excellent options.

I will always be there for you to vent, scream, cry, laugh or whatever it is you need me for and I know you know that. But these ladies, they are pretty awesome, Heph. Reading their posts you can hear their concern for you. Listen to them. I think you will find great wisdom in their advice.

My only advice to you is honey, forgive yourself. You fell in love with a man who wasn't what you throught he was. How were you to know? You fell in love with what was presented to you and you trusted that. In my book, makes you a pretty awesome person. Trust ain't easy baby. Yet, you were courageous enough to do it.

Ya know I love ya and I am praying for you.


I'm working on it Momma. Honest I am. It's hard. I'm so hard on myself sometimes, I know. I guess sometimes I feel like if I punish myself first maybe no one else will see the need to punish me. I know it's wrong and I struggle with it every day. I'll get there eventually though. Thank you so much for your prayers.

Quote:
hephzibah, you are a very courageous woman.

Smart and insightful as well, if Setanta's respect for you is any measure.

Good luck with this - and don't hesitate to use A2K as one of your venting spots. Sometimes it's easier to vent where everybody doesn't know your name. You can say things/work things out in your head/get input from people who have nothing to gain or lose from their comments.

Continue to take care of yourself.


ehBeth, thank you. Setanta's respect means a lot to me. As well as the respect of many others. Could you do me a favor and ask him to come by and see us sometimes? It's just not the same here without him. I wish I could use A2K as my venting spot. I just can't do it. I've hurt him enough and though it might do good for me, it would only hurt him more. I won't do that. This is hard enough already. I don't want to make it any harder. I do have some other sources though to let it all out.

Quote:
Hey, Heph. Of course you feel empty. I'd be surprised if you didn't. It might hit you later, maybe even much later but don't feel bad that you don't feel anything but empty.

Also, I'd advise against making any other major life changes right now. If you're employed, then I'd suggest keeping your job. I know you don't have family closeby, but are there IRL people who can be with you when you don't want to be alone?

We're here and we'd love to talk, help, sit, etc., but sometimes you need as real person to be with you.

Good luck, heph. The sun will rise tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. It won't be the easiest week/month of your life, but you'll get through it and you'll be stronger in the end for having done so.

{{{{{heph}}}}}


JB, Thank you so much for this advice. Truthfully speaking I've been toying with the idea of quitting my job, packing my stuff, and going back to FL. I'm afraid if I did though it would only be running away. That never works. Unfortunately my sources here are limited. I've only been here since Oct. and haven't had a chance to make many friends. I have a close friend from work who has offered to be there by phone any time I need her day or night. She's married and has children though so being here in person is difficult.

There's another girl from work looking for a roommate, I haven't talked to her yet about maybe moving in. That could help though. I do have my best friend from childhood still. She lives in MI. She has been through what I'm going through and will let me scream, rant, or cry any time I need to without judging me or even telling me what to do. She's a really good sounding board. I love her so much. I have been calling her frequently the last week or so. She has also made herself available any time for me to call. There is also a person I work with that does marriage counseling part time. I will be going to her on a regular basis for awhile to try and get some of this straitened out in my head. ((((((JB)))))) Thank you. I needed that.

Quote:
Not much to say that hasn't already been expressed. We're here for ya.

It's a step. What it leads to, no one knows yet. But overcoming inertia is a hard thing to do, and I salute you. So many of the people who come through here never get up enough escape velocity to face their problems head on.

Hugs.


jespah, what can I say? You were one of the first one's to be here for me.
Thank you. And though there were times you said things that made me go GRRRR inside, I still heard what you were saying. Thank you for being honest. Even though it hurt sometimes.

Hugs.

Thank you all so much. Your encouragement is a much needed strength to me right now.
0 Replies
 
Chai
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 08:43 pm
What Jespah said.
0 Replies
 
Treya
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 08:48 pm
LOL Chai. You're awesome.
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 10:00 pm
hephzibah, since you've only been where you are now since October, going back to Florida might be even more in line with what J_B was saying (and I agree) -- to make sure you have as deep and throrough of a real-life support system as possible. If more of your friends (and maybe family?) are in Florida, that may be the best place for you.

Take care.
0 Replies
 
Treya
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 11:09 pm
Thank you sozobe. I don't know what to do. It's all kind of a blur right now. I'm not even totally sure which way is up right now. I don't know if that would be the right thing. I love the kids I work with. I can't imagine leaving them just because I'm hurting. It doesn't seem fair to them. Call me a fool if you must but I still hope deep inside that maybe somehow things will come back around for my husband and I. That maybe somehow this can be worked through and overcome. I don't know. I just don't know. I won't spend the rest of my life waiting for it, but I'm not totally ready to give up just yet. Actually I don't know what the heck I want. It seems to change with the tide of my emotions.

Forgive me please but I have to say, I have learned to function without support. It's nice. I like it, like everyone else, but the pattern of my life has usually been that when I needed people the most they were gone. Not meant as an "oh poor me" statement. I've just learned to walk alone if I have to. I've climbed higher mountains than this by myself, and I do have support this time. It may not be from many people that are physically here, but you don't have to be there in person to help someone. If it's right though I'll do it. I just don't think I'm in a good frame of mind emotionally to be making too many big decisions right now.
0 Replies
 
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2006 11:16 pm
Heph,

You DO have support! We are all here for you girl!http://www.smileys.ws/smls/yahoo/00000060.gif
0 Replies
 
Chumly
 
  1  
Reply Fri 24 Feb, 2006 12:04 am
hephzibah,

If it's any consolation, I have had the let go of two wives, each after over 10 years, for transgressions that went beyond fair expectations. It feels like a part of you is dying, and in a way it is, only you do regain your whole self in time Sad Smile

You'll need courage and conviction to follow through with the right course of action Cool
0 Replies
 
 

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