hephzibah wrote:
He put up a really good front. Presented himself as the "perfect christian husband". Said all the right things. Did all the right things. Now, I've seen this before in other guys, but the front usually didn't last very long. I think he holds the record with me. He managed to keep up the front for four months until he got a ring on my finger. Then all fronts went to the wayside and well... here I am. I don't do fronts. What I am is what I am. I don't hide, I don't pretend to be something I think someone wants in order to get them to like me.
I think you've hit the nail on the head here, hepzibah. I would like you to think about something. What is it about YOU (after all we know we can't affect change in anyone but ourselves) that is so easily swept up by a guy like that. Only you can answer that and until you can, something similar will happen again.
I think I already found the answer to that actually, and shared it in an earlier post:
"He lied from day one. I chose to forgive him, and to continue forgiving him as the lies kept rolling in. All in the name of "God". I don't know if this is all I have to learn from this, but the one lesson I have learned with crystal clarity is this:
Actions do truly speak louder than words.
If I had followed that from the very beginning none of this would have happened. As far as what the rush was... well believe it or not I really wasn't in a rush. He was. He wanted me, he said and did whatever necessary to get me, and I bought it all hook, line, and sinker. After all he is a "christian" you know. Yup, that's ignorance in it's rawest form. "
Something similar won't happen again unless I decide to put myself back out there.... Which is highly unlikely.
Bwaaaaaaaaaa hahaha! Just kidding! Truthfully speaking though. I think I've given up on the concept of marriage. (you know... the whole walking down the isle, saying the vows... blah blah blah) I think it's the biggest crock of bologna I've ever hear of. I suppose that is subject to change further down the road. But honestly speaking, as of this moment in my life... Yeah... I seriously don't see that happening again. :wink:
Honey, I think you need to take a hard look at yourself. I think you're over simplifying the situation. Maybe you're not ready to do it. But don't wait too long.
That's all I'm going to say for now. I wish you the best.
Come on swimpy. Help me out here. I'm serious. Am I over simplifying it? Can you over simplify something? I can take it. Outside perspectives are sometimes the most helpful to show the truth of something. My perspective is from the inside looking out. I'm sure that things look much different to those looking at this from the perspective of hearing what I'm saying. I would really like to know what you think. I'm willing to consider just about anything. Especially if it will help me to get over this, or through this, or whatever.
Actually those questions go out to anyone who feels they have some valid input here. If I'm missing something here I need to see it. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in ignorance or self-denial, or whatever. I'm not afraid of what people may think of me because of this, because the fact of the matter is what's done is done. I can't change the things I've said. I can't change how I've reacted at different times, or well anything about this. Except myself and maybe how I'm seeing things. So please. If you have something you think could help me, don't be afraid to share it. I respect you all. And I respect what you think. And even if I don't agree or whatever, I wouldn't be angry at you or hold it against you for having said it.
Hep, I don't really know you, so I'm not in a position to say what role you played. All I want you to do is to acknowledge your part in the demise of this relationship. I know it will be painful. But you need to do it if you want to move on to a healthy relationship with this man or another man.
I don't want you to think I'm trying to beat you down. You're having a hard enough time right now. When you get over the anger and hurt, ask yourself what it was that prevented you from seeing through this guy. You say he put on a front. Why did you fall for it? Did you really try to find out who he really was?
Swimpy--
I think Heph is beginning to grasp the theory, but she needs a great deal of practical application--roadwork, if you will.
She equated "Love" with "Absolute Tolerance". This was an error.
She enabled her marital abuse with her absolute tolerance.
Swimpy, I don't think you are trying to beat me down. No worries. I ask myself those questions every day. I think I've actually stated most of it as I've been discovering it. Well, maybe. I'm not sure really. This whole thing has been such a roller coaster. Swimpy. I wanted to believe what he was saying or I wouldn't have. I wanted to believe that someone could love me the way he said he did, or I wouldn't have. I wanted to hear everything he said, or I wouldn't have listened. I liked the way it made me feel. I liked the attention. I wanted to believe that forgiveness could really overcome anything. No matter what it was.
I still stand that I did not want to change him, but I did want to see the him that he presented to me. I did want to believe that he was a "dream come true", the perfect christian guy. Otherwise I wouldn't have held on to those idea's for so long. Honestly, I did try to find out who he was. I laid it out from the very beginning. I'm a bit forward like that. I will say, strait up, "This is who I am, this is what I believe. This is why I believe what I believe. This is where I'm going in life. These are the things I want to do. If it's not something that fits with your plans or idea's of life, well it's best to just not go down this road." It's a defense mechanism of sorts, because I would rather have someone go, "Whoa..." and back off, then think I'm something I'm not and be disappointed in the end.
It may not come in that exact form. Though sometimes it does. With my husband I threw the things out there one by one as we conversed. Kind of as a testing ground or something. To see where he stood. If we had the same idea's, same wants out of life, and so forth. He gave all the answers I wanted to hear. Said he wanted all the things I wanted out of life. I am very headstrong and stubborn. When I set my sights to go some direction, that is the direction I go. The problem is not me going a specific direction, it is making the decision to go that specific direction. I'm a horrible decision maker. I will count the cost over and over and make sure I'm absolutely sure that's what I want before I make that decision. I was like this long before I met him. Long before I married him.
The decision to marry him is the only "life" decision I have made without going over and over it in my mind a gazillion times first. I made that decision because he made a comment to me somewhere early on, something about not having lived life if you aren't willing to take risks. I thought. You know, maybe he's right. Maybe life is about risk taking, and maybe I don't take enough risks. Maybe I am too careful. Blah blah blah. Yeah, probably should have started on a much smaller scale with that whole risk taking thing. I did step out and take a risk. A HUGE risk, and I'm not the only one who lost through my decision to do so. He did as well.
To sum it up though. I gave him every opportunity to be honest, and he wasn't. That was his choice. I believed what he said, and accepted his apologies even when I started seeing inconsistencies. That was my choice. I made that choice plain and simple... because I don't always feel too good about myself. I'm not always confident. I don't always feel accepted. Especially when it comes to men. I honestly wonder in the back of my mind some days if I am desirable to any man as a person. If any man could possibly like me for who I am, and what I represent. Whatever that is. As a valid human being. The things he said to me validated me, and I thought I needed that. I definitely wanted it.
Deep in my heart that is what is there. I'm not as sure of myself as I would like to think I am sometimes. I am confident in the things I know I am strong in. I am a scared little girl when it comes to men. Why am I telling anyone this? Heck if I know. I guess I just need to see myself for who I am. I don't honestly see myself ever being much more than a scared little girl when it comes to men. I would like to. Maybe someday I will. I just don't know how to not be. It's what I've always been. *sigh* Ok, I guess that was a bit more than I thought it was. Yeah, I understand now what it means to over simplify things. The end.
And the process continues...
Quote:I wanted to believe what he was saying or I wouldn't have. I wanted to believe that someone could love me the way he said he did, or I wouldn't have. I wanted to hear everything he said, or I wouldn't have listened. I liked the way it made me feel. I liked the attention. I wanted to believe that forgiveness could really overcome anything. No matter what it was.
I wanted to hear it because I don't believe it. I thought that by hearing it from someone else maybe I could believe it.
Quote:I still stand that I did not want to change him, but I did want to see the him that he presented to me.
Yeah. I didn't want to change him. I wanted to change me.
You know though. Having thought about this some more I've realized something. If I truly was looking to validate myself as a person through this relationship, then I need to ask myself does it end there? Have I spent the last 17 years trying to validate myself as a person through my "faith in God"? Ok, now I think I'm done.
Heph--
Quote:Have I spent the last 17 years trying to validate myself as a person through my "faith in God"? Ok, now I think I'm done.
You aren't "done". You're just beginning.
Happy Trails. Hold your Dominion.
Noddy's right, Heph. You are a person who needs validation. Start there. Good luck to you.
Hmmmm... How interesting this has all turned out. How interesting indeed. Gosh. I feel lost and found all at the same time. This is weird. LOL Took me a few hours to process all this. I'm sure I'm not done. I finally rendered myself speachless. THAT has never happened before.
Bwaaaaaaaaa hahaha!
Anywho... just wanted to say thanks to everyone for everything. I know this whole thing has been quite dramatic. Well for me anyway. I am so sorry for all the drama. Thanks for being so tolerant of me. This is amazing and scarey and well... shoot I don't know what else. It's really something.
hephzibah wrote: Took me a few hours to process all this. I'm sure I'm not done.
I'm sure you're right.
It's quite a process learning about yourself. I think it's a never-ending journey. With each experience there's something new to learn from your responses.
Not easy, not fast, but definitely worth it.
I just went through a real self evaluation phase.
It took me about 6 months.
And I am still not done.
you can do it . Just be ...... verrrrry patient. ;-)
the longer it takes in some cases, the better you come out
Yup. I'm in self-eval phase too. It's the hip thing to do, heph!
Coming out of the "feeling sorry and dragging my butt blues" and entering the "woo hoo everything is new and crazy" phase.
Ohh life. We're youngins' yet.
ehbeth wrote:
Quote:I'm sure you're right.
It's quite a process learning about yourself. I think it's a never-ending journey. With each experience there's something new to learn from your responses.
Not easy, not fast, but definitely worth it.
It is indeed a never ending journey. It's just nice to not feel so stuck in one place now. I've felt for awhile that I've just been spinning my wheels and going nowhere. It's been frustrating. Now I feel like I'm starting a new adventure. I like adventures. Somewhere along the line I had lost my ambition in seeking out new adventures in life. I would still dream about it, but it just seemed so far away, so unobtainable. I think what I'm most excited about actually is finally being able to let go of that scared little girl inside of me. It's been a long time coming. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but it will, and when it does... Look out world... here I come! LOL...
shewolf wrote:
Quote:I just went through a real self evaluation phase.
It took me about 6 months.
And I am still not done.
you can do it . Just be ...... verrrrry patient.
the longer it takes in some cases, the better you come out
shewolf, I got nothing but time babe. I don't feel like such a cheese head this morning... that's always good.
Progress is slow but it's nice that there are supportive people along the way. I got some really good advice from a friend last night. We talked a lot about how I see myself, and how I blame myself for well... most anything that goes wrong. It was good to hear a completely different perspective other than what I'm used to hearing from myself... LOL Kindness and compassion go a long way when someone is hurting.
flushd wrote:
Quote:Yup. I'm in self-eval phase too. It's the hip thing to do, heph!
Coming out of the "feeling sorry and dragging my butt blues" and entering the "woo hoo everything is new and crazy" phase.
Ohh life. We're youngins' yet.
LOL flushd. Yeah I like the "whoo hoo everything is new and crazy" phase. I haven't felt that in quite awhile. Expecting the unexpected is such an awesome feeling. Not knowing what's going to happen next, and not really worrying about it. Just knowing life is full of possibilities I haven't seen before. And I can't tell you how happy I am to be doing the hip thing to do! I thought my days of being "hip" were looong gone! LOL What a nice surprise!
Children--
I still have days when I wonder what I'll be when I'm all grown up.
Hold your dominions.
Noddy24 wrote:Children--
.
spoken from the best 'mother hen' I know..
Shewolf--
Thanks for the kind words.
