I asked him to leave...

hephzibah wrote:

He's filing for divorce.

Is he one of These?

ohh jeezzee..

did I say that outloud???
HA!

OK, not to make any of this about me, but when I left my first husband ( full blown porn addict, i found this out thousands of dollars later.. >Sigh< )
I didnt talk to him, AT ALL for 3weeks..
then I wrote him a letter, and in this letter, I included my bank statements where he took money from me to support his habit.

Our divorce took a long time. Mostly because I wasnt ready to say goodbye to the stability that I imagined marriage to be.

I felt... 10 million times a better person after I wrote that letter.
I put things in black and white.
There was no dispute he could possibly create that could counter my reasons for leaving him.

Maybe.. if you have the energy to make it into a project, you could create a letter for him.
WHO cares if it takes a week, month, what ever.
If you need to say goodbye and need it in black and white to help you move on.. get to it sista'

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Quote:

Is he one of These?

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHA! That was funny!

I just may do that shewolf.

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Noddy24 wrote:

Heph--

Quote:
I feel like it's my responsibility to at least give him an opportunity to try to understand what's happening and why.

No, it is not.

Now, moving on, if he files for divorce, he'll be paying the bulk of the divorce costs. Good--let him have the illusion of control since he can't bully you any more.

As Roger says, take care of yourself legally. You don't want your savings to suddenly become Community Property.

Has Mr. In Control made arrangements to get his belongings out of your life yet?

Edit:
I know this is probably going to sound totally off the wall. I'm not understanding the need for legal protection, honestly. The savings account only contains the vesting money I earned before we were married. So legally he can't touch that. I would be surprised if he tried actually. As far as everything else, all the "things" people accumulate over time, if he wanted it THAT bad I would give it to him. They are just things. Things can be replaced. There is only one thing I gave him that I would take back if I could. The twelve years I waited to have sex. I can't have that back. There is nothing that could ever replace that, and yes I'm pissed, in case you were wondering.

No he hasn't moved his stuff out. He asked me if he could keep it in the house until he finds a new place. 2-3 months he said. I said yes. Now that I think about it that's not such a good idea. As long as his stuff is there he has a reason to stop by. If it's over, it's over. I want no more part in any of this. He's coming by to pick up some clothes tomorrow. I suppose I'll talk to him about it then. Probably won't even have to bring it up. I'm sure he'll know what I'm thinking by then. He has this way about him... ya know?

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I waited twelve years to have sex once.

I now wished I'd waited until I was thirteen.

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LOL. Nice lord ellpus, nice!

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Hep- I disagree about the letter. I don't know how "crafty" your husband is, but I would be very careful about what I would put in writing. You will never know when some shady lawyer would twist what you wrote around, and use it against you.

Something that is very therapeutic IS to write a letter to him, writing down all of your feelings. Then, you very ceremonieously burn the letter, like a funeral cremation. In that way, you have gone through the process of getting all of your feelings out, without giving your husband fuel that he might use against you.

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I agree. Attitudes and feelings often change dramatically when it comes down to the financial nitty gritty. Especially when lawyers get involved.

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Phoenix and lord ellpus I understand what you are saying most definately. IF I were to write a letter it would be as you said Phoenix. I would write it and burn it. It would be for my benefit not his. A way of letting go. Not because I am afraid of some lawyer twisting it around but because I don't feel that I owe that man one more iota of myself or my feelings. He didn't listen or care while we were together, so why would he listen or care now? What a waste or words that would be.

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hephzibah wrote:

....Edit:
I know this is probably going to sound totally off the wall. I'm not understanding the need for legal protection, honestly. The savings account only contains the vesting money I earned before we were married. So legally he can't touch that. I would be surprised if he tried actually. ...?

Don't be so sure, and don't be surprised.

Get thee to a lawyer. Even if you want him to have everything, it does you no good and you need not sacrifice your life, your stuff, your time, home and convenience, etc. for him or to make things supposedly easier. Will you give him your mother's china? Your clothes? Your old letters? None of that is going to ease this up. It's just going to take things out of your life. It's just more of the same pattern, of giving up yourself to appease him and make him happy. Not protecting yourself is not going to make this simpler. All it will do is make your life tougher and will not give you the happy convenience bounce that I suspect you want. You need not be nasty or selfish about material possessions -- I am not suggesting that at all. But, rather, you should be able to protect your own interests and not subsume yourself. That is everyone's right. Even you. Smile

PS A word of advice from a retired lawyer -- don't talk about your divorce, your property or your intentions online or in email, and God knows don't keep or send such a letter, unless you feel like seeing that stuff mentioned in divorce court.

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Lord Ellpus wrote:

I agree. Attitudes and feelings often change dramatically when it comes down to the financial nitty gritty. Especially when lawyers get involved.

I agree. The person you married is no longer the same person you're divorcing.

heph, privacy is a privilege you only learn to appreciate, once you lost it.

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Hephzibah,

Phoenix is so right about putting something in writing. When I got divorced I was in college (in my late 30's) and I had written some papers for my English Literature class. Well, hubby found them, assumed they were about him and brought them to court! Shocked

And they were fiction!

Protect yourself. Calamity Jane just gave some very wise advice. He's not the same man you married.

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Quote:

The savings account only contains the vesting money I earned before we were married. So legally he can't touch that. I would be surprised if he tried actually

He tried to get that money during your marriage, didn't he?

Get a lawyer.

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This sucks.

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Ah ha! A game (to hopefully distract Hephzibah from her problems today while she's at work). I get to add to your sentence right? Ok, cool. Let's see..............hmmmmmmmmmmmm

http://www.smileys.ws/smls/yahoo/00000033.gif

.........wait! I got it.

This sucks like rotten eggs! (Okay, who's next?)

Hang in there Heph. We are here for you sweetie.

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THIS...

SUCKS...

Times infinity. I'm tired of hanging. I'm tired of being ornery. I'm tired of feeling how I feel. I'm tired. Just plain tired. Did I meantion

THIS...

SUCKS...

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Heph,

YOU are cheating! You can't post the same danged thing and just because it is bigger than what I posted expect the judges to say ok.

Yes, it sucks. It sucks bigtime! I hate you are going through this. I feel helpless. I wish there were something I could do to change it all for you, but there isn't. All I can do is be here for you and hopefully, with my extremely brilliant wit :wink: try to make you smile (even if you don't feel like it) because I don't want you to forget there are smiles and good things out here in the world.

And, if it doesn't make you smile, then perhaps it will make you angry and you can get some of those feelings out in the open. Stop stuffing! You stuff turkeys, not emotions!

NOW, will you play this game right, or now! Geesh! Laughing

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jespah wrote:

hephzibah wrote:
....Edit:
I know this is probably going to sound totally off the wall. I'm not understanding the need for legal protection, honestly. The savings account only contains the vesting money I earned before we were married. So legally he can't touch that. I would be surprised if he tried actually. ...?

Don't be so sure, and don't be surprised.

Get thee to a lawyer. Even if you want him to have everything, it does you no good and you need not sacrifice your life, your stuff, your time, home and convenience, etc. for him or to make things supposedly easier. Will you give him your mother's china? Your clothes? Your old letters? None of that is going to ease this up. It's just going to take things out of your life. It's just more of the same pattern, of giving up yourself to appease him and make him happy. Not protecting yourself is not going to make this simpler. All it will do is make your life tougher and will not give you the happy convenience bounce that I suspect you want. You need not be nasty or selfish about material possessions -- I am not suggesting that at all. But, rather, you should be able to protect your own interests and not subsume yourself. That is everyone's right. Even you.

PS A word of advice from a retired lawyer -- don't talk about your divorce, your property or your intentions online or in email, and God knows don't keep or send such a letter, unless you feel like seeing that stuff mentioned in divorce court.

I know you are right. I'm just angry and hurt. I feel totally alone in this sometimes. I don't know what to do, or even how to do the things I should be doing. I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster. I'm tired of fighting feelings of failure. I'm the angriest I've been in 10 years. I have moments where I wonder, even doubt, if what I believe is even worth the trouble anymore. I have moments where I think my biggest mistake was ever trusting there is good in anything or anyone. Then as quick as it comes it goes.

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CalamityJane wrote:

Lord Ellpus wrote:
I agree. Attitudes and feelings often change dramatically when it comes down to the financial nitty gritty. Especially when lawyers get involved.

I agree. The person you married is no longer the same person you're divorcing.

heph, privacy is a privilege you only learn to appreciate, once you lost it.

Yeah.

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Heph--

Quote:

I'm the angriest I've been in 10 years

You've repressed your anger for ten years and you're surprised at the quantity and quality of emotion you've stored up?

Don't despair--you're just spring cleaning your psyche and then cleaning is nine years over due.

Hold your dominion.

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I'm sorry Noddy. That's not what I meant actually. I had anger. Rage actually. From my childhood. The things that had happened. I started dealing with it when I was 26. It took almost three years to work through it all. Then It was gone. I haven't felt anger like that since then, until now. Though it's not like it was. That anger had consumed my life. This anger hasn't and won't unless I choose to hang on to it. It is tempting to say many many things in reference to how I am feeling. I won't. It's not relevant. This too will pass. If I made it through the other I can make it through this. The problem is somedays I don't want to. Having a bad day today. No big thing. Tomorrow is a new day and it will all pass eventually, even if it doesn't feel like it this exact moment.

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I asked him to leave...

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