I asked him to leave...

Hephzibah you have activated the "this to shall pass" button- and it shall. We all wish you the best.

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heph, today's a new day. One down, a lifetime to go. Today might suck, or you still might feel empty, or you might simply be in action mode with checking accounts, etc. However today goes it will be what it needs to be, go with it.

If you do decide to stay put for awhile, the roommate idea isn't a bad one. I don't know about the workmate-roommate idea, that might be too much of one person, but when my first marriage dissolved I answered a roommate wanted ad. It was fine and let me get a clean break and not be alone at the same time. If you think you can be with your workmate all day, then that might be a fine option for you. If you decide to go back to FL to be with friends and family then that will work out too. Whatever you decide, look forward not back.

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Heph--

Quote:

I wish I could use A2K as my venting spot. I just can't do it. I've hurt him enough and though it might do good for me, it would only hurt him more. I won't do that. This is hard enough already. I don't want to make it any harder. I do have some other sources though to let it all out.

Of course you have a right to vent--or not vent--any place you please. I'm glad that you have face-to-face friends who will listen.

Still, for a Single Again person, nights can be very lonely.

No one knows whether you and your husband will get back together. You will...or you won't.

One of the "flaws" in your marriage is that while you rated your husband's feelings above your own, so did he.

I'm not suggesting that you should turn into a Let-it-all-hang-out-his-feelings-be-damned wizz-bitch. I am thinking that by denying yourself A2K because it "might" hurt his feelings, you are still attempting to assert emotional control over him.

He has family and lots of local history.

You have some new friends and A2K.

If he checks in to find out what you are writing on A2K, he is chosing to expose himself to the way you feel. Do you or don't you want him to understand the way you feel?

In any case, hold your dominion.

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I'M SORRY FOR YELLING BUT I'M REALLY PISSED RIGHT NOW. HE JUST CALLED TO LET ME KNOW HOW MUCH I'VE INCONVENIENCED HIM BY MAKING HIM MOVE HOME AND HOW I NEED TO HURRY UP AND WORK THROUGH MY PROBLEMS SO HE CAN KNOW WHICH DIRECTION HE NEEDS TO GO IN HIS LIFE.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

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Wing Sista,

Tell the dude to take a flying leap off a short pier and go on with his life! Laughing

He inconvenienced you? Shocked

Girl, that is the ultimate in selfishness as far as I am concerned. Rolling Eyes

What, does he think this is a game for you? Probably does ~ tell him YOU (he) LOSE!

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hephzibah wrote:

I'M SORRY FOR YELLING BUT I'M REALLY PISSED RIGHT NOW. HE JUST CALLED TO LET ME KNOW HOW MUCH I'VE INCONVENIENCED HIM BY MAKING HIM MOVE HOME AND HOW I NEED TO HURRY UP AND WORK THROUGH MY PROBLEMS SO HE CAN KNOW WHICH DIRECTION HE NEEDS TO GO IN HIS LIFE.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Well, the dude is certainly not doing himself any favors there.

I will gladly take up a collection to buy him a clue. I have 17 cents and a slightly fuzzy Tic-Tac.

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Heph--

This is the guy you want to protect?

Of course, you're used to carrying the guilt for two--and he's used to having you do it.

Were you put on this earth to tote his guilt in your saddlebags?

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Ok, done yelling for now. He told me yesterday I was screwing him over by making him move out and pay his half of the rent plus extra gas to drive 100 miles round trip to work, plus all his other bills. I kindly explained to him that I never asked or expected him to pay his half of the rent if he was not living here. Despite the fact that HE signed the lease. I told him I would take over the bills and not to worry about it. But I might have to move someone in to help if I can't afford it. No big deal. I don't mind doing whatever I have to do to work this all out.

So he called me right now and said a bunch of things about me. How he doesn't understand me. How he does listen to me. How I'm not taking responsibility for my self or my actions, I'm just making excuses. Then he finished the conversation with my previous post, telling me that I shouldn't move a roommate in here because "his" stuff is here and he has nowhere to put it. I told him I was trying to do HIM a favor by not asking him to pay rent, but I'm going to do whatever I need to do to get by. I asked him if he honestly thought that this was all about MY problems. If he honestly doesn't see that there's plenty for him to work through as well.

He tried to turn it all around on me again by telling me I was trying to turn it all around on him. I told him NO I just want you to take responsibility for YOUR PART in this because I will take responsibility for mine, but I WILL NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ALL THE PROBLEMS IN OUR MARRIAGE. Then I told him I have to go. Maybe I just shouldn't be taking phone calls from him right now. I don't think it's doing me any good.

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jespah wrote:

hephzibah wrote:
I'M SORRY FOR YELLING BUT I'M REALLY PISSED RIGHT NOW. HE JUST CALLED TO LET ME KNOW HOW MUCH I'VE INCONVENIENCED HIM BY MAKING HIM MOVE HOME AND HOW I NEED TO HURRY UP AND WORK THROUGH MY PROBLEMS SO HE CAN KNOW WHICH DIRECTION HE NEEDS TO GO IN HIS LIFE.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Well, the dude is certainly not doing himself any favors there.

I will gladly take up a collection to buy him a clue. I have 17 cents and a slightly fuzzy Tic-Tac.

LOL

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Noddy24 wrote:

Heph--

This is the guy you want to protect?

Of course, you're used to carrying the guilt for two--and he's used to having you do it.

Were you put on this earth to tote his guilt in your saddlebags?

NO. I'm not doing it anymore. Dang it all.

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It sounds like he is just trying to focus more problems on you, and make you the complete reason for the problems in the relationship.

That is much easier then taking personal responsibility.

If he doesnt want his stuff where your possible roommate is, then he needs to move it. Simple as that.

He can not expect you to respect his " stuff" by going underwater financially trying to keep a place you can not afford on your own.

I wouldnt take phone calls if I were you.
That doesnt allow for seperation.. that just opens the door for other problems.

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Oh, hephzibah, this is too good to pass up. If he calls again, tell him you have worked through YOUR problems. Your problem was him. Problem worked through.

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Ya know roger, you just might be on to something there. :wink:

No doubt shewolf. No doubt about it at all.

OMG I'm so overwhelmed right now. How the heck did I get here? I have a feeling he's going to try to come by when I go to work. Boy is he gonna be pissed when he realizes I changed all the locks last night and told the landlord (who lives just around the corner) about the situation. I told them he's not suppose to be here right now without me here and I asked her and her husband to keep an eye on the place while I'm gone.

Oh yeah, someone said something earlier about me moving the girl in from work. I forgot to mention that I've done that before and working and living together usually doesn't work out so well. But this situation is different I think... We only work together one night a week, so I think it might work out ok. I hope so anyway.

Butrflynet, thank you for the information you sent me. I appreciate it.

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Heph--

Are you developing a certain fellow feeling for his first wife?

Do you have ten minutes to research local storage units? The next time he thumps his chest about moving strangers into His House give him the location, the rates and a time when it is convenient for you to have him remove his stuff.

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OMG I think I might be enabling him. Giving him the ammo to use against me. Telling him I need to work out my problems without being very specific about HIS problems. I can see now why he would so easily think it's all my fault. I haven't really pointed a finger at him except once in a great while. WOW.

Oh, BTW I'm pretty sure he's following this whole thing as well. He's repeated too many of my own words to me (words not said specifically to him) in the last few days for it to be merely coincidence. Rolling Eyes

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Good idea Noddy! I just may do that!

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Heph--

Quote:

You can haunt any house by yourself
Be a man or a mouse by yourself
You can act like a king on a throne
There are lots of things that you can do alone

But it takes
Two to tango, two to tango
Two to really get the feeling of romance
Two to tango, two to tango
Do the dance of love

You can sail on a ship by yourself
Take a nap or a nip by yourself
You can get into bed on your own
There are lots of things that you can do alone

But it takes
Two to tango, two to tango
Two to really get the feeling of romance
Two to tango, two to tango
Do the dance of love

You can get buried all by yourself
Catch a fish or a cold by yourself
Dig a ditch, strike it rich all by yourself
There are lots of things that you can do alone

But it takes
Two to tango, two to tango
Two to really get the feeling of romance
Two to tango, two to tango
Do the dance of love

You can fight like a champ by yourself
You can lick any stamp by yourself
You can be very brave on the phone
There are lots of things that you can do alone

But it takes
Two to tango, two to tango
Two to really get the feeling of romance
Two to tango, two to tango
Do the dance of love

Two to Tango: Con Man and Enabler.

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It's sounds like he's getting desperate to get some control of the situation, and get you back where he wants you, and I don't like it.

I ditto Noddy's suggestion about the storage space and telling him when you are available for him to get his stuff. If need be, you could even have someone else at the house when he comes, so he won't find an opportunity to make a scene and pick at you.
Set your boundaries, stick to them. I have a feeling he's gonna keep pushing and pushing until he either: gets what he wants and you break
or
He learns that you are not gonna to be manipulated no matter what bag of tricks he brings out. You are serious and won't be F*ed with!
Smile

Stay strong, sister. Add me to the lot standing behind you.

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Heph, don't let him suck you into more discussions that just upset you and don't go anywhere. That "Hurry up and work out your problems so I can get back to my life" stuff is a clumsy and obvious attempt to guilt you into thinking you don't have a right to be doing this "to him," but who knows, he might be able to convince you it's true if you're not careful.

So just don't take his calls for a while. He doesn't have anything to say that you need to hear right now; and the more arguing you do, the more exhausted and tempted to give in you might be.

And judging by how he's handling this, I'm pretty convinced you need to NOT give in. He's not too worried about how you're feeling in all this, is he? How Hephzibah is feeling is clearly not anywhere on his priority list, and I suspect that's what you've been dealing with thruoughout this marriage.

If he needs to get his stuff, then do have someone else around when he comes by, as flushd suggested.

And if he's rude enough to be following this thread, basically spying on you where you are going for some emotional support, then I don't think you have any responsibility to worry about what you say and whether it'll hurt his feelings. He needs to give you privacy to talk this out and say what you need to say. You shouldn't be concerned with sparing his feelings, because he shouldn't be listening at the door. So let it all out, darlin, if you need to.

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Amen to that cyphercat! Heph, if he's reading this well, saves you the time to explain it to him, doesn't it? My suggestion is he prints it all out and reads it over and over again until he starts to see there is more than his side to this.

You have to take care of YOU. He has to take care of HIM. It's not selfish. It's necessary. I'm sure this is hard on him too for whatever reason. But, he's not the one asking for help or admitting they have faults, is he? He's not the one that is putting words into action. YOU ARE! Laughing

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I asked him to leave...

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