I asked him to leave...

Am writing down Ms. Eva's suggestions as I type this.

(Dagmaraka, did you get the part?)

Tuesday, February 28, 2006 10:16 AM

Memories


When will the dreams stop? When will I finally get to sleep the whole night through without being reminded of him? Without having him be the first thing on my mind in the morning because I just finished dreaming about him. Sigh... I'm full of memories this morning. More good than bad for once. I remember the first time I met him. I was so nervous. I could barely look at him because his eyes were so pretty, so intense. He has beautiful eyes. The look on his face the first time he saw me was astounding. Like I was the most beautiful woman in the world or something. That gave me the best feeling I ever had in my life.

The early days were good. They were precious. And even though this relationship is ending I won't forget them because it was the first time in my life I felt the love of a man. I remember how strong it made me feel. How special. You know all those silly love songs people write about being willing to climb any mountain, swim across any ocean, for the person they love? I finally understand why people write those songs. I finally understand what it feels like to know that you couldn't do it, but feel like you could. To feel like you would if you had to. And though many things have gone wrong in this relationship that is the gift I will carry with me through the rest of my life.

Hep- Often people recreate similar scenarios in their lives again and again. THAT might be something you might want to explore, once the practical matters are out of the way. But, for the time being, you might want to keep this in the back of your mind, on "hold"!

Heph,

Well, you are definitely moving through the process. The dreams and the thinking more of the good things than the bad is the step that follows the "it'd be better having him here........" stage. This too shall pass. You will get to the point to where you can look at things objectively and in balance.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Share your thoughts and feelings and get them out. You are a very courageous woman, Heph.

We're here for you!

Very good idea's eva. Very good indeed. Thank you. I never thought of that before. That could definitely help with the anger. I've tried the screaming thing. I just do it here. I go into the bedroom and close the door. Up until yesterday I was only able to get one or two screams out before the sobbing takes over. I usually feel better when I'm done crying. I haven't cried in awhile. Yesterday I cried just a little, but I don't know... I just couldn't let it out for some reason. I think maybe I was too angry. I've never been so angry I couldn't cry before. Usually being so angry is what makes me cry. It doesn't matter though. I'm just going to take things one step at a time. One day at a time. One minute at a time if I have to. Maybe I'll leave early for work today and stop by the dollar store. ((((HUGS)))) Thank you.



Dagmaraka,

As of yesterday I am doing my absolute best not to analyze myself too much. What get's me about this whole situation is that feelings surfaced I haven't felt in years. It's the fear. That's what I meant really. Living in fear. It's an absolutely horrible feeling. It can cause you to do things most people wouldn't even think of doing. Fear goes to bed with me. Fear wakes me up in the middle of the night. Fear is the first thing to greet me in the morning. The things that happened to me earlier in life had instilled such a fear in me that I couldn't even speak to people. I couldn't look people in the eye if I tried to talk to them.

The fear brought with it shame and a feeling of being unacceptable. Fear clothed me. Feeling unacceptable was my coat., and shame was my hat. Through much labor and toil I overcame the fears that encompassed my life. It was so hard. I had to face every single one of them one by one. I had to acknowledge the person or thing that caused the fear, look at it, and decide to walk away. Then fight to keep walking away and not look back. I thought I would never feel the kind of fear that threatens to encompass your life again. So when I did... holy cow... that's all I can say. That is why I'm here. That is why even though for short periods of time I feel like isolating myself and writing everyone off, I don't do it. I know that is fear's way of taking over. If I give into that I allow fear to have the place in my life it did before.

I am a different person now. My experiences have definitely changed me. Overcoming those experiences made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. But I am not exempt from those experiences as I once thought I was. That's something that is becoming abundantly clear to me. Don't ask me how I ever got to the place of believing that, I haven't a clue. I won't throw myself in front of a moving train. However I realize now that sometimes we can be walking on the on the road of life, stop on a train track and be so distracted by other things we don't hear the train coming, so we don't move. I think that's what happened to me. Thank you for the encouragement.

you are doing well. it does hurt, it ought to hurt. it's part of the healing process.

one day at a time is the right approach. you can do it. we can help, we'll try our damnedest.

Just remember...ANGER is one of the steps of the grieving process. You can't escape it. (Read Kubler-Ross.) Like I said, you just have to find a safe way to do it. Screaming and smashing things are just two ideas. If those don't work, just ask. I have more. (I'm really good at anger!)

Actually, anger serves a purpose. It gives you energy, and you need energy to get through this. So go ahead and give yourself permission to feel as angry as you like. Don't internalize it!...that's the worst thing you can do! Get it out!!! Then you can get over it.

Eva, I would love to hear some more of what you've got on ways to safely let out your anger. It will help me not only with my own anger, but also with the girls I work with. Possibly some of the suggestions could be helpful for them as well.

Once again here's my blog. I didn't know where I was going with this when I first started writing. I had no idea it would end up where it did. However, last night I was really struggling with the idea of letting him come back and try just one more time before I turned and walked away. I now understand why I can't. I'm only posting this here because I really think it could help others who may read it some day to see if they are in a cycle of abuse.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006 9:40 AM

Verbal and Emotional Abuse


I was awakened this morning by my cat. She was bound and determined I needed to feed her at 7:00 am. Doesn't she realize I didn't go to bed until 2:00 am? Sheesh! I tossed, I turned, I tried to ignore her, she would NOT be ignored. If I rolled on my left side she'd move over there and sit there quietly pawing my nose. If I put the covers over my head and said, "Petie, leave me alone darn it!" she started pawing the covers. At 8:00 I finally gave up. I guess we're both pretty stubborn. LOL

Last night on the drive home from work I got "that feeling" down in the pit of my stomach again. Like something was wrong. Something was out of place. I don't know. I half expected him to be sitting in the driveway when I got home. He wasn't. I can't seem to get around that rushed feeling though when I'm trying to unlock the door. Like he's out there somewhere just waiting. Waiting for the right time when I am just unsuspecting enough so he can catch me off guard. That is how he works most of the time. He catches you off guard when you least expect anything so when you over-react he can blame you for it. I don't know if that's intentional or not.

Fear can be pretty irrational sometimes. I would like to know what this fear is based out of. I told him before we got married that there are only two things that would cause me to ever leave him. If he cheated on me or hit me. In my book you only get one shot on those things. Maybe that's not the most forgiving attitude, but so what? I will not be abused like my best friend was by her husband. In the back of my mind I knew that abuse was more than just physical. That's how it started out for her I think. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive, then it gradually it moved into physical abuse.

It's almost like verbal and emotional abuse are the foundation that is laid for physical abuse. Like a prepping stage. When the verbal and emotional abuse first starts it is very subtle, almost not noticeable. Just a degrading comment here and there, easy to forgive and forget when he says he is sorry. Then it starts to picking up a little. You try to discuss it with him and there's no acknowledgment of anything being wrong. He has an excuse for why he did it. It's not directly you just yet, it's something like he was having a bad day, something went wrong with the car, whatever the case may be... The difference between this and just being ornery is that his comments are directed at you.

As if it's somehow your fault. Though he won't say that directly. That's when you begin making excuses for his behavior. When you think about the hurtful things he said about or to you, you write it off with, "Well, he was having a bad day." The thing is that every time he has a bad day or something goes wrong, no matter what it is, you start catching the brunt of it. And those bad days seem to happen more and more often as time goes on. I believe it's ok to be a sounding board for others, but I don't believe it's ok to be their verbal punching bag. Then it seems the bad days and things that go wrong are now somehow directly your fault. It becomes, "Well, YOU didn't do this like I asked you to. YOU didn't do what you said you would do. YOU don't spend enough time with me. YOU caused this indirectly because you aren't doing what you I want you to do."

And you start feeling bad about yourself. Like you just can't do anything right. So you try harder. Do more things and continue excusing the behavior. You start to believe it is your fault that somehow you are responsible to keep HIM happy 24/7. Never mind the fact that everything you are starting to do is for him because he says he wants it, while you begin totally disregarding your own needs and wants. You stop calling or hanging out with certain friends or family members because that ruins his whole day. You start dressing different because he doesn't like how you look in certain cloths. You start doing things you are uncomfortable with because if you don't you know it will upset him. You are beginning to isolate yourself from the rest of the world. This is a dangerous place to be in, in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. There's no one to be a sounding board for you. There's no one to tell you what's happening is wrong.

Slowly things begin to escalate depending on the people involved. The basis of everything begins to be that you are not meeting HIS needs. You try to tell him how hard you are trying. You try to explain how much you've given up for him. You try to make him understand you don't mean to make him angry. It's not good enough. It's never good enough. No matter how many sacrifices you make, no matter how much of yourself you change, it will never be enough and you will never be happy because you aren't doing the things you do out of love anymore. You are doing it out of fear. Once the foundation is laid, you are isolated, you excuse his behavior, you blame yourself for what's happening, then the door for physical abuse opens.

I'm not saying every verbally and emotionally abusive relationship will go down this road, because some won't, but I believe a lot of them do. My best friend was physically abused almost daily for about three years before she finally got out. I remember thinking (so arrogantly at the time), "What the heck is her problem? Why doesn't she just leave?" Now I understand. When your whole world revolves around pleasing just one person, when that person is not pleased there is a feeling that there is nowhere to turn. Verbal, emotional, and physical abuse sap your self-esteem right out of you and leave you feeling like you couldn't live without this person who is abusing you. This gives the abuser the freedom to do whatever he wants while limiting everything you do. So having said all this I now understand fully why I can't let him come back.

Hesp--

Very well stated--particularly for a woman who tries to be "controlling" by taking the blame.

Love does not demand psychic suicide.

Ok, I just re-read my post and I get what you are saying now Noddy. Thank you.

I just have to get this out before I dive into any other conversations this morning. I am very confused about something. It's been a week since I asked him to leave and I need to know if I owe him an explanation. I don't think I was very specific when I asked him to leave. Honestly speaking I can't even remember what I said anymore. I've been on such an emotional rollercoaster for the last week. It's his day off today and I keep feeling like I should call him. I feel like it's my responsibility to at least give him an opportunity to try to understand what's happening and why.

Is this wrong? I don't know. I don't know. I hate this. That's all I know at this point. Sometimes I think I could talk until I was blue in the face and it wouldn't make a difference anyway. He doesn't get it. I don't think he wants to. So why then do I feel responsible to make him understand? Why after all the bull crap that's happened do I feel like I owe him anything? Then there's this itty bitty voice inside of me that says, "It's been a week, maybe he's finally clued into the fact that something is terribly wrong within your relationship. Maybe he's finally ready to see that he had a part in this too." Oh good lord, I don't know what to do. Have I meantioned how much I hate this?

Just quit looking back. If he doesn't know or understand why he's gone, he isn't going to. It didn't work, and that's all he needs to know. That's really all you need to know. Go forward, not backwards.

It's not surprising you don't remember everything you said, either. It was emotional, and you've probably replayed the whole thing over in your mind, with thoughts of what you should have said, instead. Trust yourself. Whatever you said; whatever explainations you gave were probably right.

You know it's funny, within five minutes of me posting this he just happened to call and repeat almost everything I said from his own perspective. It was all just a game. I'm sure he thinks I'm getting what I deserve. He's filing for divorce.

Okay, take care of yourself legally, as well.

Heph, you mentioned earlier in the thread that he will probably read your posts. It sounds as if he is still doing it.

Does this bother you?

Maybe a username change is the way to go?

It's a nasty time for you. Make sure that you put yourself first for a while.

Thanks lord ellpus. It did bother me at first. It creeped me out actually. But it doesn't anymore because I realize now it was all just a game to him. What I was told here and what I was thinking were actually true. I had thought about a name change. However, I have a no reason to hide. I chose this name for a reason. That reason has not changed no matter how bad things seem right now. I gave away a lot of things for this relationship. I will not surrender my identity too. He can read all he wants. I have nothing more to say in reference to him or the ending of this relationship. What's done is done. I am chosing to move forward, not backwards.

Good on you.

The only thing that I WOULD suggest is that you possibly pick a few confidantes from the esteemed ladies in this thread, to talk through more sensitive/private issues by way of personal message.
You don't want to give him any unneccesary info, if you know what I mean.

That's a really good idea. Thanks lord ellpus.

Heph--



No, it is not.

Now, moving on, if he files for divorce, he'll be paying the bulk of the divorce costs. Good--let him have the illusion of control since he can't bully you any more.

As Roger says, take care of yourself legally. You don't want your savings to suddenly become Community Property.

Has Mr. In Control made arrangements to get his belongings out of your life yet?

Heph--



No, it is not.

Now, moving on, if he files for divorce, he'll be paying the bulk of the divorce costs. Good--let him have the illusion of control since he can't bully you any more.

As Roger says, take care of yourself legally. You don't want your savings to suddenly become Community Property.

Has Mr. In Control made arrangements to get his belongings out of your life yet?