I asked him to leave...

Heph--



Nonsense!

Announcing "I do not want to be hurt" is setting ground rules for a marriage, not establishing control over a spouse.

Why on earth should you condem yourself for expecting love and cherishing in a marriage? You are worthy of love, of cherishing.

You are hard on yourself--and then you figure that it is your fault that you don't like being abused by someone else.

Right now you're coming out of a bad marriage. You're also doing a lot of self examination to understand why you wound up with Mr. Wrong. Meanhwhile, Mr. Wrong is jumping up and down, hollering, "Hold still so I can hurt you again."

Your life is quite full right now--and unfortunately much of the "fullness" is unpleasant.

This too shall pass.

Hold your dominion.

Not meaning to be a poopity head, My ex was a professor at a state college who happened to like young students, I manged to igonore/put up with for several years but when I came home early (snow storm) from a business trip I found her in bed with one of her "students". I moved out that day with nothing but a suitcase and filed for divorce, she counter-filed that she was a victim of spouse abuse and that I had deserted her. Total crap, she managed to drag this out in court of 3 years (intending to get SS benefits) and was married (and preggers) within 3 months of the date of divorce. She got the house, her car, my truck and our bank account. She was a born-again christian. There are always 2 sides.

I'm sorry blew out of here in a rage this morning. I know I'm being quite unstable right now. I feel like I'm in the middle of an earthquake emotionally sometimes. Blogging has got to be the best thing I have done for myself in a very long time. I can't believe how much this is helping me. I know I keep sharing it here, and I hope it's appropriate for me to do so. I don't mind sharing what I'm going though. I wrote momma angel an email and asked her to tell you all I'm sorry. I told her I couldn't do this right now because I just don't want to be vulnerable to anyone. I don't want to lash out at anyone for something that's not their fault. Of course I said all this as I'm beating myself up because I feel like such a failure. I'm coming to terms though. I'm getting there. Please don't give up on me.


Monday, February 27, 2006 3:25 PM

Coming to terms


Coming to terms with who I am. Or at least who I thought I was. Yeah. Who I thought I was. That comment last night has caused me to doubt everything. Who I am, what I stand for, why I'm here. It has caused me to take a long hard look at myself and realize that deep seeded in my own heart is the idea that I'm not good enough. That I'm a failure. That I'm never going to do anything right. That is why I back down so easily to others. That is why I so easily fell for the likes of "him". I still thought, even though I didn't think I thought, that I needed someone else to be a whole. That I was somehow incomplete.

Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. No wonder, I wasn't doing it for him I was doing it for me. That's the exact reason the things he did were not good enough for me. He wasn't doing them for me, he was doing it for himself, even though he thought he was. He was doing it to make himself feel better, to feel accepted. Two peas in a pod that's what we were. I am too hard on myself and I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to get to the place of not berating myself for doing wrong. God, I complain about him and they way he treated me, and yes that was bad.

And NO, I won't allow him to do that to me anymore, but the fact of the matter is how I treat myself is far worse than how anyone else could ever treat me. I am my own biggest problem. I give people a segway to use me as their excuse for not taking responsibility for themselves because I so quickly jump in there and say, "Oh no, it's my fault, not yours". I don't necessarily say that verbatim, but actions speak louder than words. That IS the truth. I have to stop carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have to break free from myself.

It is funny the things that will come to the surface while dealing with other issues. It is odd to see this about myself right here, right now. It is odd to feel so strong and so weak all at the same time. I can stand up for myself if I have to, but if I don't have to I won't. I have to be cornered and pushed to the extreme and THEN I will stand up for myself. I am so glad he showed his true colors so soon. I'm so glad I didn't have to live through this for years before I finally realized it was wrong. Good job Robin. You did something right. Maybe that is the answer to this. Instead of focusing so much on what I do wrong, maybe I owe it to myself to actually see what I do right.

I'm so focused on trying to fix myself that all I ever see about myself is the things I do wrong. Then I sit here and wonder why I feel so bad about myself. For Pete's sake I deal with this every day with the troubled girls I work with. Positive re-enforcement always... see the things they do right and tell them. Let them know they CAN do things right. Don't ignore all the negative behavior, but pick your battles carefully. If you focus too much on the negative that is all they will see, then more often than not they give up and write themselves off as failures who just can't do anything right. Wow. I didn't even realize I do the very thing I am trying to teach them not to do.

Heth--

I'll gladly give you a Blue Ribbon for being the Absolute Worst Person this side of the Milky Way---just stop berating yourself. You're soon-to-be-Ex was so good at putting you down, you don't have to do it any more.

Good people can fall for Double-Dyed Scoundrels--then Good People see through the Scoundrels.

I have a conscience almost as self-sacrificing as your conscience, but my Ex can beat your Soon-To-Be-Ex all hollow. Mine was also a physical abuser and I didn't scream "Enough" until he started on my sons.

Believe me, April will be better than February.

Hold your dominion.

Dys I am so sorry that happened to you. You are right, there are always two sides. I'm sure that he feels just as hurt and confused as I do. I know for a fact that he doesn't see how he treats me. I'm not trying to come at any of this from a victim mentality. Oh poor me, look what he's done. The fact of the matter is that he is very verbally and emotionally abusive to me in many ways. I don't believe he does it intentionally. I'm not saying what he does is ok. IT'S NOT. I don't believe he married me with the intentions of hurting me. I believe he married me because he thought he loved me. Maybe he does. I believe he hurts me out of the hurt he is living with inside himself.

Dys, I don't know if you will understand this. I don't even know if I understand this actually. I do love him. I do. I married him intending to spend the rest of my life with him. Letting him go is not the easiest thing for me. I had so many emotions wrapped up in this. But I honestly believe that if I TRULY love him, I will let him go. If I truly love myself I will let him go. To allow him to bully me into doing things, guilt me for not doing things, berate me just because he's angry, lie to cover up things he knows he did wrong then turn around and say I'm the one lying or changing the story, and so forth will not help either of us. Ever. I didn't do everything perfect. But no matter how many wrong things I did that does not justify the way he treated me. No one deserves that. Not even him.

One other thing. It's not about anything for me except getting free. I don't care about the stuff. I don't care about any money. I don't care about gaining any sort of advantage over him except to stop allowing myself to be treated this way. He can have whatever he wants. I've told him that. I can replace those things eventually. I cannot replace myself though. The very thing that happened to you is what he seems to think I'm going to do to him. It's happened to him before. I don't blame him for being suspicious of me. I'm sure in the future I will struggle with suspicions of my own having gone through this ordeal. It's human nature.

Dys, my husband is not a bad person. He has made some very bad decisions. Some decisions that have hurt both of us in ways we may never understand. He is a hurting person. Just like me. What you see here is the rawest emotions I have felt in a very long time. Have I said things in anger? Heck yeah I have. But I haven't lied. I haven't even told half the story and I won't because I do know that would hurt him. How I feel is how I feel. It is what it is, and I have to deal with it and get it out. I cannot close myself off to the rest of the world, that would be a big mistake for me.

Momma angel, Debra, JB, and Noddy. Thank you for standing with me. It means more to me than you may ever know.

Hep- There is absolutely nothing to be gained by attempting to figure out where to place blame. Strip away everything, and just let's say that the two of you were incompatible. By trying to figure everything out, at this time, you are only serving to make yourself angrier and more confused.

Right now, the important thing is to deal with the practical aspects of you becoming a single woman. It would be better for you if the soul searching begins after the ink has dried on the divorce papers.

Focus woman, focus!

^^ I very much agree with Phoenix.

Thanks guys you're right. I'm working on focusing. LOL Oh, by the way he's going to be here any time to get the title for his car. Please think happy thoughts for me. I decided to be on the phone while he's here since I couldn't find anyone who could come over today. Thanks. I'll talk to you all soon.

I have been offline for a bit today and just got Heph's email. She's going through what we all I am sure have gone through. I know that's why everyone understands where she is right now and is so able to offer her so much help.

He is at her house right now. She promised to IM me if anything goes wrong. We have a code worked out. I can tell the police her address and phone number the second she gives me the signal.

She is very hard on herself and that saddens me as I am sure it does all of you. She's a very special person and to think of her going through this right now is frustrating for us I'm sure because I am sure we would all be there right with her making coffee and hugging and taking care of her if we could.

Againk thank all of you so much for helping her. She really IS one of a kind.

He's gone. I'm ok. He was mad because I was on the phone. I'm sure I'll get a call later or in the morning.

Heph--

He's mad because you were "in control" and taking care of yourself. You weren't doing what he wanted--which was allowing him to dominate you.

Being "in control" is a Good Thing--although not always popular with Control Freaks.

heph,
I'm glad you're ok, and he has got his car title.

Is there any other practical reason he would need to contact you or come to the house? I agree that Focus on the Practical right now is the way to go.

heph, I know you are going through a lot right now, and marriage is not something I have ever known. Currently though, I am going through my own heartbreak. It's not abusive - did that scene already, didn't like it :wink: - but it is hard.
I need to take my own words, and buckle on the practical too. I'm getting lost in country songs and computer daze.
I'm working my way through my later 20s. My bf left me a last week. I made some big mistakes. He doesn't want to see me again.

I can relate to the tendency to want to be hard on yourself, or even punish yourself, for mistakes. But let's not do it.
You certainly do not deserve it.

I can relate to getting angry at yourself and wanting to smash things. It's okay to get angry, normal, but I can really attest to the fact that anger is just another face of pain. That isn't easy for me to say. I've been described as 'porcupine' bc I wear a prickly shell but (my underbelly is mush). Anger and outbursts are my first response to anything scary/painful. I work out. Some days it is the only thing that keeps me sane - pushing that extra lap in the pool, or giving a punching bag a good thrashing. The upside is I get some exercise.

I don't want this to be about me. I just want you to know that you are not alone in ever feeling this way, reacting the way you do, or questioning yourself when a relationship ends.

And you are a good person, heph, who just happens to be going through a difficult time.

Take care.

Oh, I'm so sorry, flushd...

Definitely second the suggestion to exercise for mental (as well as physical) health. Great way to get out frustrations.

flushd,

Knowing Heph, I think she'd want us to be there for you as well as for her. Sending hugs and good wishes your way!

Flshd--

Would that being sensible reduced the pain, but life and growth don't work like that.

Hold your dominion.

Thanks. I have the memory of an elephant - I very much appreciate all the kindness. Even if it sometimes makes me break down a bit.

Talking smack and putting on a brave face is the easy part, it's walking the walk inside that blows. And it does blow pretty hard.

It helps a lot to see heph being so candid. Being open isn't always easy.

I need to find something to do besides sitting on my butt. I'll see you all a little later.

Flushd, I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. I know it is difficult. All his stuff is still here. I'm so torn. On one hand I'm scared. Sincerely scared. I'm so afraid he's going to fly off the handle on me. I don't want to be alone with him anymore. On the other hand I feel like I'm being such a female dog about all this. I feel like I'm in a tug of war.
One of the things that is throwing me for such a loop on this is that this is something I've been through already, I dealt with it, got over it, and moved on from it YEARS ago and now it is right back in my face.

It's there in the morning when I wake up. It's there all day. It's there when I go to bed, and it's there even in my dreams. I can't run from it. I can't hide from it. Every day it's getting a little bit easier. I can breathe a little bit easier. It might not be noticeable to anyone else, but it is to me. I only checked the windows like four times today when I heard a car door close or someone driving on the gravel. I took a nap this afternoon because I haven't been sleeping well at night and it felt good. When the phone rang my heart didn't race. Just little things that are so easy to take for granted, you know?

Yes flushed I agree, let's not be hard on ourselves for our mistakes. You don't deserve it either. I used to be a porcupine too. Lately I've been struggling every day not to retreat back into my porcupine shell. It took a lot to get me out of it. A lot for me to even THINK about trusting people. Any people, not just men. Sometimes I think I went way too far in the other direction though, left the shell behind with no armor at all. ACK. Enough self analysis. LOL Physical activity definitely helps. I've been trying to take a vigorous walk every day. It seems to help me clear my head. And I must say... my house has never been as clean as it is right now. I have to look for dirt to clean up... sad... but it is something to do... I think I'll start working on the mini blinds tomorrow.

Flushed I'm so glad you shared all this. It takes a lot of courage to talk about this kind of stuff. It encouraged me to know that someone else understands how I'm feeling. There are quite a few here who have expressed it as well and I'm grateful for every one. Every little bit of encouragement helps.

Dys I meant to say this to you earlier and I forgot to add it to my post to you. I am glad you shared what you did as well. I am glad that you found Diane. It is such an encouragement to see someone who has gone through what you have and you still are willing to give it another shot with someone else. To see that failed love does not have to impede new love.

Hephzibah...you might try this little trick. It worked wonders for my husband when I first met him. (For some reason, he hasn't been nearly as angry since! )

Buy a few cheap mugs at the dollar store (don't spend more than a buck apiece.) Then, when the anger starts to overwhelm you, take one of the mugs, go outside, and throw it as hard as you can against the side of the house. Smash it. Then leave the pieces there and go back inside. I promise you will feel better. (You can clean it up later.)

OR you can try this trick of mine.

Get in your car and drive to the edge of town. When you get to a place where no people are around, roll the windows up tightly and scream as loud as you can. Scream some more. Scream until you have no energy left. Then you can calmly drive home.

I haven't had to do this for several years, but it sure helps when I need it. We all get angry, sweetie. Sometimes you just have to let it out. Be sure you choose a way to do it that's safe, that's all.

(((HUGS)))

hmm, i'm not a thrower of things, or a screamer. i did what flushd did. i ran. and ran. and ran and ran. i had a stitch in my side the whole way and a wheezing obese kid passed me - i wasn't eating anything and had no energy to run, but that's all i could do.
heph, you aren't BACK to square one, back where you were years ago. you HAVE moved on in your life and do know a lot more things now and perhaps are a slightly different person because of that. besides, relationships aren't repeats, it's just life. it happens. like cancer or a rainy day. don't be too hard on yourself, some things just fall and hit us without much warning.