Heph--
Abusive partners frequently turn into stalkers.
Documenting the end of a marriage that never should have been may help protect you from your soon-to-be-ex, the control freak.
Hold your dominion.
He called just a little bit ago. He said he's not coming today. Good. I didn't feel like dealing with his sorry arse anyway. He said he's coming tomorrow after he gets out of work... Huh... interesting... I just realized he "needed that title by Monday" so he could take it into work with him. I feel like he's playing games. Glad I kicked him out of my sandbox! I'm not so afraid today. I'm bored out of my friggin mind though and need something to do. I'm trying to be creative here. I'm thinking about going to see a movie or something. I don't know. I feel like going out dancing or to do kareoke, yeah, kareoke would be fun. Huh, I wonder if there's any places around here that does kareoke on Sunday... Anyway, I'll be around. I guess. Did I meantion I friggin hate this some days? I hope this gets better soon. I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster all ready.
my experience, there's always two sides to every story.
Funny, I always heard there were three sides to every story. Yours, mine, and the complete truth (which is usually somewhere inbetween. :wink: )
Heph--
He wants you to dance to his tune and to play on his terms.
You have some habits to examine.
Meanwhile, hold your dominion.
I decided to edit out my joke. I'm rather grumpy actually and shouldn't say things like that. Sorry dys, if ya read that.
He's welcome to join the conversation any time he would like. I don't have anything to hide. I would be interested to hear his side of this story and what HE would tell others about us. I think momma angel nailed it right on the head actually. It's easy to talk out of your emotions. I'm trying to be as fair as possible in what I say, and I don't usually say things I'm not certain about. Though sometimes I'm just stating my feelings about something. Which is neither here nor there. There's a lot more veggies in this bowl of soup than you can see from just looking at it from the surface. I'm sure things look a lot different from the inside than they do from the outside. Point received I'll stop now.
You know what? I just want to understand what's happening to me. That's all.
Life Heph. It's life, honey. Sorry it's so rough right now.
Why am I having second thoughts?
It's that old "Him being here no matter how he is would be better than being alone trick!" Don't fall for it!
Seriously, you are lonely, Heph. It's normal. We are all here for you.
I would be interested to hear anyone's experiences with this, if they are willing to share. Not here of course unless you felt really comfortable with that. I can understand why some wouldn't want to. Some days I wish I could take all this back and just... I don't know... nevermind... this has helped me a lot so I guess I don't wanna take it back. Anyway, if anyone would like to share their experience with me, my email address is temporarily in my profile. I don't think I'm going to leave it their long though. I'm not sure if it's ok, and I really don't care too much for spam. LOL Thanks for all your help you guys. I'm probably going to refrain for awhile from posting too much. I'm feeling pretty angry and have almost gone off on a few people already.
Hep...
Look at the top of the page and see if you have any PM's.
I did and I got it. This was my way of replying to it.
Hep- I was in my mid twenties, and I asked my first husband to leave. In my case, all the love was gone, so there was no ambivalence on that score. So I thought that I would be "home free" emotionally, but I was not.
The first thing that I had to deal with were the practical problems, and how I was going to put my life in order. Then I realized that my life had changed, irrevocably. I had thought of myself as being a part of a couple, and now I had to redefine myself. I had to learn who I was, all by myself.
That was very difficult, and I did screw up a little. I was also the mother of a preschool boy, which added to the complexity.
There were also other problems. Married men, husbands of my friends, started coming on to me. At first, I was totally shocked, and befuddled.
These guys had never blinked an eyelash at me when I was married, and now they were propositioning me.
Separating from a spouse can be a difficult time, and is an up and down situation. I can feel for what you are going through. It ain't easy, but it is doable.
I'm so angry about all this today. Like seriously... I haven't felt this kind of anger in years. I feel like punching something. Screaming until I'm hoarse... Jumping up and down. I don't know something. Anything. I'm so friggin angry.
Edit: Thank you for sharing that phoenix. It is helpful to know that others have experienced the same kind of things that I am going through right now.
Monday, February 27, 2006 10:03 AM
I'm still angry this morning, but I think I'm coming to terms with some things. Oh I don't like this one bit. This sucks to the hilt. Last night someone said something to me that triggered all this. There are two sides to every story. So I responded... well let him come and tell his side of the story. I don't care. I would like to hear it. What was said made me wonder exactly what HIS side of this story would be. I went to bed angry. I woke up still angry. I feel like my life is so out of control right now. How can you be in control of a situation and not feel like it? This baffles me. So I was sitting here thinking about this. I'm freaking out because I don't feel like I'm in control, so did I try to control him? Did I somehow evoke the response I got from him?
The answer is yes. Though I don't know if I see it all right now. One thing has become abundantly clear to me. By telling him everything I told him. I guess "warning him" about me, how I am, and how I respond to things, for lack of a better way to put it, I was most definitely trying to control him. I was trying to keep him from hurting me like others had and I was setting myself up to have a reason to blame him when he failed. I said I didn't want him to be perfect, but I think deep inside I did. I don't know that anyone could live up to the standards I have set up deep inside of me. I don't know that I even can to be honest. Apparently I don't since I get so angry at myself about stuff.
That doesn't justify or excuse the things that he's done though. That doesn't change the facts. That doesn't change the things he's done and said to me that no one else sees or hears. That doesn't change the fact that our entire relationship was based on a lie. And yes I'll take responsibility for my part in that. I knew about the lie but I chose to dismiss it and "forgive" him, (since that's the "christian" thing to do) instead of confront it or walk away. That was MY fault not his. So there ya go... as it turns out he was right, this is all my fault. I should have turned and walked away when I had that chance and I chose not to. Congrats hubby you win.
Stick a fork in me... I'm done...
Hep:
If you experience far more unhappiness than you do happiness with the person you love, then there eventually comes a time when you have to accept that you're not with the right person and, hopefully, do something about it.
Whatever your complaints may be about your relationship, nothing is going to change. You will have those same complaints five years from now; ten years from now; twenty years from now. Perhaps, over time, you will be better at coping with the incompatibility between yourself and your spouse, but incompatibility isn't a curable illness. It's something you cope with and it just sucks the life out of you.
On the other hand, I cannot emphasize enough HOW ENJOYABLE and HAPPY that simple, everyday life can be when you're with the person who is right for you. Big deposits are made in the love bank EVERY DAY. The relationship account simply grows bigger and bigger. I'm more "in love" with my man today than I was yesterday, or last year, or the year before. No drama, no arguments, no heartache. Compatibility is blissful.
You're vulnerable right now and wondering if you made the correct choice to separate yourself from an unhappy relationship. But, if you're having any doubts and are considering a reconciliation, consider this: Living each day with the person who is right for you is pure JOY, so why would you CHOOSE the opposite? Why would you willingly choose to live in agony and torment every day with the wrong person?
heph, I married for all the wrong reasons the first time. I discovered how truly unhappy I was a few years later and refocused my energies on my career and going back to school hoping things would improve in my marriage. They didn't. I could relate a few weeks ago when you wrote that you were more lonely being married than when you were single. It turns out I had married a clone of my father, the person who caused me the most grief in my life, the person I was escaping from in the first place. I did a lot a reading and discovered my situation wasn't all that unusual. We oftentimes are attracted to people who remind us of our upbringing, for better or not.
After 12 years I announced I was leaving the marriage. It was a roller-coaster for awhile, but it didn't really hit me until Christmas morning, seven months later. All of a sudden I was overcome with a deep sadness that I had spent so much of my life being lonely. Even though I was driving alone to spend Christmas day with my parents, it was the first time that I knew that alone was so much better than lonely.
Fortunately my first marriage was childless and I was able to start over. I eventually met Mr B, feel in love and married for all the right reasons. You can consider working to make things work out but if you were lonely being together, I don't see reconciliation changing that much.
I agree with Debra. Being with the right person for the right reasons makes all the difference in the world.
