Help me restore my marriage? Bisexual here

Oh, was writing while ehBeth posted, that crossed my mind too. Would be curious to see what he has to say.

Hi Sozobe,

And this is in no way meant as a criticism of you or any other helpful respondents, but the majority of posters here seem to be (and correct me if I am wrong) white, middle-class, middle aged, heterosexual, female, Western Culture, Judeo Christian background.

This would tend to give a certain bias, don't you think? Again I am not placing value judgment, and I understand some of the themes presented here may have a rather universal perspective.

Still it would be interesting to see what would happen if the majority of posters were mixed race, upper-class, young-aged, bi-sexual, male, global culture, agnostic background.

That was actually precisely my point in my last post, Chumly.

Oh and my background is agnostic, not nearly as heterosexual as you seem to assume, lower-class childhood and recently middle-class by income (if not by outlook), and I just turned 35 -- which may or may not be middle-aged.

One can well argue that he has hidden his sexual orientation from his parents for far more important and potentially dangerous concepts then "displeasing his parents". Bigotry and prejudice and familial expulsion some to mind for starters as well as the potential for familial violence.

Sorry, Soz. I started to respond to something in your post, then decided to write something different instead. I tried to edit out your quote afterwards, but Bethie had already posted.

What I was gonna say is...I'm surprised you thought Nick was American/Canadian/Australian. The way he uses English sounded foreign to me from the start. But that's okay. We have all nationalities here, everyone's accepted.

Cultural differences do not lessen the importance of honesty, in my book.

Hear, Hear!
That is the thing that gets me the most about this situation.
Nick is still dodging taking responsibility for how things are now....he wants it the way he imagines things in his mind.
I hope that doesn't come across as arrogant or mean, but it seems like this guy is gonna be having lots and lots of troubles ahead until the day he can be honest with himself, and then with other people.

I just found this on net:

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/steve_rothaus/qa_forum.htm?forumId=660&mode=display&action=&type=list&pageNo=8

"I am a 44 year old bisexual female , happily married with a loving husband and a daughter. During a party at a neighbors after a few drinks, I admitted my secret preference. Now I am embarrased and regret that evening. My nieghbor across from me confessed that our friendship will never be the same. She perceived me as a professional, normal, intelligent woman and now she seems me as a confused person who needs therapy..What happened to me? What should I do next? Did alcohol influence my confessions? I really feel straight people should be informed some bisexuals are also normal, smart, intelligent professionals able to reside in a good neighborhood with a house, family, domestic help and hold a job."

So being a bisexual meaning she had sex with others before marriage and they lived happily ever after untill this happened. And take my case I was happy too for the first 3 months, so I guess I can relate to this woman too..and rebuild our marriage.

I got him mixed up with onthequiet, I think. Plus "shagging." Anyway, was definitely wrong there, obviously.

I think honesty is terribly important. No question.

I think he should be honest with her. No question.

In terms of the larger question of whether they should remain married or not, though, I think the cultural issues loom large. If they were both American, I'd advise that he be honest and let the chips fall where they may -- which would likely result in divorce. That would be unfortunate but not, in and of itself, of huge consequence.

Since they are both Indian (though he currently lives in America), I'd still advise that he be honest but the divorce issue is potentially much, much more serious than if they were both American.

Still waiting to hear more about that. Nick?

What would your wife's life be like if you went to India today and divorced her? Not whether you should, just IF you did... what would the consequences be for her?

Misserable, which I cant even think of and no matter what I'm not going to do that.

Can you just give some details? I think it might help a lot of people figure out how to respond to this situation.

flushd,

Being Honest is all what you are saying. Ok..given the fact of my situation here. how do you think it would help the situatuation better? Will she be happy...i would say "No"..Will I be Happy? "Yes-being relived of that tension but seeing her sad..i dont think we will be happy. Can I handle this situation by ebing faithfull to her for the rest fo life. Thats the reason I,m here and yes I will be and can be. Will my Parents be happy- No way knowing there son has fooled around

Hey Nick,
When I read about your arranged marriage and that your parents are Indian, a lot of things became clearer to me. I can see why your have been so reluctant to tell your family and your wife about your bisexuality. From what I can make out, bi/homosexuality is tolerated much less in India than in the U.S. And since your parents are rich, and keeping with the tiring classist society there, I can see why you are even more reluctant to bring a "bad name" to your family (no wonder you'd rather tell your wife that you were cheating with an ex gf). I am assuming here, so let me know if I'm wrong?-your family may be completely open-minded about bisexuality, but I somehow doubt it?-esp when you say that your family is traditional. I'm Indian, my family is very open minded about bi/ homosexuality, so I can't generalize.

I'm sorry, but I am not convinced a bit that this marriage is going to work (meaning that you are going to be happy in a monogamous marriage with her, and that you are not going to cheat on her again). You can't love her, you barely know her. It seems like you just love that she idolizes you. And I agree with the others that you are just too confused and immature to be in this marriage?-your really should have told your parents that you needed more time before getting married?-but of course there's nothing you can do about that now.

So now you don't want a divorce or divulge your secret because otherwise your family would be upset. However, divorce is becoming more accepted in India (depending on class, and I don't know what her background is), much more than homosexuality anyway. I seriously urge you to consider divorce before your wife comes to the US to be with you, although I'm sure divorce won't be taken lightly by your family or hers either. Maybe you can convince your respective families that this was a mutual decision, if you are worried that she will be "shamed".

If you're worried about hurting her, you can rest assured that she will get over it after some time, and she will be in a much better situation being upset in India where she has a family and friends to support her through the divorce, where she still has some sort of stability. It will be much more devastating for her to find out, while trying to adjust to a new place, new people, customs, etc., that the one person she is dependent on in this place thinks so little of her to betray her this way. Again, I'm assuming she is coming to live in the US because of you rather than any work opportunities.

I personally think she deserves an explanation from you, but you don't seem inclined to tell her and I can't imagine anyone being able to convince you to do that. At least if you told her she would have a fair chance to contribute in the decision about your future together (or apart).

sorry if this is long and garbled, but I have to be somewhere and am in a hurry

Great post, sagar, thanks for your perspective.

I made no assumptions about any one individual poster, inclusive of your wonderful self. For the record, I do not contest your integrity or sincerity, nor anyone's else's.

Chumley,
There are lots of cultural reasons to hide his sexual orientation but it doesn't absolve him of his actions that are detrimental to others. It only points to his own selfishness. Just because you may happen to live in a society that is male dominated doesn't give you the right or make you a good person if you abuse women.

Love is giving as well as receiving. Narcissitic self gratification is only taking.

Yes, we all do things that may be more in our interest than the interest of others but I don't expect others to support me for doing that.

Nick,
Whether or not you can make something of your marriage is hard to say. I see no reason to sugarcoat my feelings. You have to take responsibility for your actions. Claiming that you had no choice is not an answer. It may have been a difficult choice and you didn't feel you could make the hard choice but you did have a choice. You have to live with that choice. People cheat on their spouses all the time and their marriages survive. Either they are honest and get past it or they don't tell their spouse and stop or they live a constant life of deceit.

You probably have an advantage as far as keeping the marriage from dissolving. I am guessing here, but your culture doesn't support a woman that leaves her husband. She may be more willing to stick it out as her duty. The fact that she has low self esteem with cultural pressures points to she will be willing to stay with you. Because it is an arranged marriage she may feel like she should do whatever you want. She may find she likes the lifestyle of lots of different sexual partners. It may give her self esteem to be wanted by lots of people. The opposite may also happen. She may feel like a prostitute being forced to perform sex acts.

You have lots of choices.
You can be honest with her or not.
If you are honest with her, you can include her in your lifestyle or not. You can continue to sleep with others or not. she can sleep with others or not.

The only way to make it truly work is if you work on it together. That means she has to have some say in it. Are you willing to let here have that if it means you have to give up something?

I may be confused after reading this thread re the amount of experience nick has had.

The first thing that came to my mind was the chance his wife has of getting aids through this situation. Maybe this has been discussed and I've missed it.

On bisexuality, I gather - though there has be some postulation in some recent study to the contrary - that people's sexuality fits along a continuum. We have discussed that before at a2k.
I surmise than plenty of bi people make a choice for various reasons of one course or another, and succeed with that choice, and others vary the sex of their partners over the years. Or people vary for a while, then choose.

I think someone's sexuality is private, even within a marriage, along as it doesn't affect the marriage... admittedly difficult for me to imagine.
I am a fan of honesty in general, when one speaks; lies aren't useful. Telling everything is not, to me, required. But, choosing a life partner based on a misapprehension really is a crumby situation for the person without information, as in that situation the lack of information has the effect of a lie.


I dunno - I agree that our cultural differences make me question what is smart to say because of possible consequences for the wife.

Would you tell your parents you were bisexual, if you knew, with certainty, you would be expelled from the entire familial unit plus the culture you knew and loved?

sagar reminds me of the other question I was really interested in getting an answer to -- is your wife eager to come to America, Nick? Would she be trying to come here whether you were here or not, and is thrilled to be getting this ticket? Or is she coming to America just because it's where you currently live?

Liked your post, Sagar...