Help me restore my marriage? Bisexual here

I dont think its a good time to go and tell her or my family about my sexual preferences right now. I would ahve done this before my marriage. Its not that I couldn't love her and make her happy after my marriage at all. I loved her and we ahd the ebst times in our lives after our marriage. The problem started after I moved to this place. So If I can have best times with her earlier.I'm sure I can go abck to our happy lives just liek before.

Sounds like a perfect husband to me

You can have him once he's free, Chumly.

Why?

This sounds like one of those attempts to get married to hide your sexuality.

You are her first sexual partner. She has low self esteem. She is happy as long as you are happy. She was easy pickings for you. You don't love her. You never did. It was a fantasy that you might be able to ignore your true self. She is the victim. You preyed on her and continue to do so.

I suggest you get her therapy. She will need it.

Cogent summary there, I agree.

Red bottom time ehBeth!

Even i felt soemtimes that she became an excuse to hide my bi sexuality. But its not true I didnt lover her. I was in love with her, but taht too short to eb together while i ahd to come to a new place. And Me being used to casual one night stands I slipped into this lifestyle not being able to control my self. Once I realised I,m falling apart and I notice lossing the affection towards her. I take a moment abck and seriously think about our relationship and I think I decided not to go for this One Night Stands anymore. Rather I would her as amny chances as I took in my life to build our relationship. I guess its fair to give her those chances. She is as she is, i didnt make her up to think me as a her perfect husband and I was. Its only now I fell apart.

First of all its not about my sexuality. Its about being happy. I had instances in my life when I was happy with both men and woman. So take me of that bracket of people who can be happy in man to man relationship only.

While I'm not sure if that's what Parados meant, that's not what I was agreeing with in his post. The sexuality that I think you are hiding is the wild, club-going, one-night stand sexuality -- whether the one-night stands are with men or women.

That's fine (especially if you're safe), just not if it is being done on the sly with a woman who thinks she married someone who wanted a monogamous relationship.

Definetly not sozobe.

Nick, you are semi-married to someone who doesn't even know you. Do both of yourselves a favor and stop the charade. It will never be easy to tell her the truth, but you owe her AT LEAST that. The longer you go without telling her about your relationships with men, the harder it will be for both of you because you'll just have more invested in this "marriage."

I don't even consider what you have a real marriage, to be frank. You weren't upfront with her (and still aren't.) I'm sure you have feelings for her, but as you will learn, feelings sometimes aren't enough. You may never have those heady days of infatuation (being "in" love) with her again. All relationships grow past that stage. But if there isn't an underlying respect and TRUST, a relationship won't survive. I see nothing in any of your posts that would lead me to believe that you and she could possibly make this last long-term.

I'm sorry, but both of you need to grow up. This is not a criticism, just an observation. I was young once, too, and made some commitments I couldn't keep. It is only through trials like these that we learn who we really are.

Hmnn eva...i guess i would agree with you that i get to learn from this relationship a lot. But tell me something out of what you have seen and know. What do you think takes us to not to break this relationship? I,m the one who would ahve to cut this relationship off if its ahs to be . I'm 200% sure she wouldn't be breaking up in the current situation. She senses some disconnect from em now a days when we talk on phone. But yestrday when I spoke with her for 2 hours on phone, I could sense she will always be there for me. Its only who has to correct for anything for this relationship not to end and long last.

You can do whatever you want if you hold all the cards. That's the simple facts.

It's certainly possible that her self-esteem is so minute that even when you tell her that you've been having a variety of one-night stands since you got married and that you think she should lose weight and change her style to something you approve of and that you want to have the freedom to continue the one-night-stand/ clubgoing lifestyle she won't want to break up with you... but I doubt it.

I wouldn't doubt it at all, it's not uncommon in fact.

Let me put it this way:

If he breaks it all to her and she says, "Oh thank GOD! I've been so bored, I've been thinking about leaving, and it turns out you're just as kinky as I am -- let's get this party started!", cool.

If he breaks it all to her, and her self-esteem is so minute that she is shocked and devastated and cries a ton but ends up saying, "you're my everything, I don't care what you do as long as you stay with me"... then he's a total asshole to take advantage of that.

Your relationship with your wife is ALREADY broken.....so this isn't a case of 'how can I not ruin it'. It's already dead, and it actually sounds like it never was!

I don't say that as a value judgement, it is just a fact. She does not know some important truths about you (parts that seem to be hard for you to accept about yourself even), you have lied, cheated.

Basically, your marriage is false. That is why you feel disconnected from her.

Nick, do you agree with that?

I need some time to think. Will reply later.

Thanks a ton!

I generally try and avoid value judgments in relationship threads (although the temptation is high) and refer to options, alternatives and results.

I will say this however, it *appears* as if you are passing a value judgement as per the second half of your response. These values may not apply to everyone at all times. For example the French are famous for having mistresses, the wife knows but does not know (if you know what I mean). She may well be devastated if it was brought directly to her unavoidable attention, but be quite fine otherwise.

Also I am not at all convinced the wife in this case is a ignorant as Nick29 makes her out to be, in denial perhaps, like a French wife perhaps.

I assert that anyone who claims that self-deception is not an integral part of human relationships is fooling themselves (good pun don't you think?) In this context I am not using self-deception as either having bad or good connotations and nor am I condemning or condoning Nick29 & wife.

There is always way more than meets the eyeball.