Help me restore my marriage? Bisexual here

I guess I should be clear that I would want honesty in any marriage I would be involved in. But not every marriage in the world is the same.

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Chumly wrote:

flushd wrote:
Cultural differences do not lessen the importance of honesty, in my book.
Would you tell your parents you were bisexual, if you knew, with certainty, you would be expelled from the entire familial unit plus the culture you knew and loved?

The culture Nick seems to know and love is going out clubbing and picking up guys that think he is cute. That seemed to be more important then family when he thought the family wouldn't ever find out. Hey, everybody does it or something similar but eventually we have to make a choice.

Nick thought he was making the "family and culture" choice when he got married but he quickly threw that choice out the window. I see no reason to think he is going to make that choice again and it will stick this time. He is fooling himself because his own actions already show what he will do. Within 6 months of his wife being here he will be sneaking off to clubs if he doesn't drag her there with him.

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parados wrote:

Chumly wrote:
flushd wrote:
Cultural differences do not lessen the importance of honesty, in my book.
Would you tell your parents you were bisexual, if you knew, with certainty, you would be expelled from the entire familial unit plus the culture you knew and loved?

The culture Nick seems to know and love is going out clubbing and picking up guys that think he is cute.

You have entirely avoided my question (logical fallacy) and instead provided a cliched value judgment.

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parados wrote:

Chumley,
There are lots of cultural reasons to hide his sexual orientation but it doesn't absolve him of his actions that are detrimental to others. It only points to his own selfishness. Just because you may happen to live in a society that is male dominated doesn't give you the right or make you a good person if you abuse women.

In situations like this it's very easy to criticize and apply one's own sense of morality.

It's much harder to be open minded and constructive and supportive. I am not saying there are no universal ethical/moral considerations, I am saying that applying value judgments of the type you have in this particular case serves no benefit.

I will also say that your reference to "abuse women" is out of context, because relationships of this type are not sexually specific.

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ossobuco wrote:

I guess I should be clear that I would want honesty in any marriage I would be involved in. But not every marriage in the world is the same.

You are on your death bed.
You have been with your spouse for most of your adult life.
You have had, what you think, is a loving and monogamous relationship for the entire time and you have been very happy.
Just before your last few breaths, do you truly want to hear the words: "Honey, there is something I never told you"

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She is coming to US just because I live here.

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Good luck Nick29, I hope it all works out.

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Chumly wrote:

Would you tell your parents you were bisexual, if you knew, with certainty, you would be expelled from the entire familial unit plus the culture you knew and loved?

To be honest, at Nick's age and in his situation, I probably wouldn't.

But I would not have married someone without telling THAT person. Otherwise, I would always feel like I tricked them into it.

Nick, she may accept this about you, and you two may go on to have a happy life together. Or she may decide you're not the partner she wants. But really, it is her decision. You should allow her to decide whether to give up her life in India and come here knowing all the facts. Then you should fully support whatever she decides. I think you owe her that much.

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Oof.

Did I say that already?

Sorry, I know this has to be hard for you, even as aphorisms about making beds and lying in them come to mind...

What is your reaction to Sagar's post?

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(That was in reaction to Nick saying that she was coming to the US just because of him, the "you" et al is Nick...)

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Chumly, that would be too much way too late - obviously.

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Chumly wrote:

In situations like this it's very easy to criticize and apply one's own sense of morality.

It's much harder to be open minded and constructive and supportive.

What would be your constructive and supportive advice to Nick, Chumly? Because so far most of your posts seem to be addressed to other posters. (Merely criticizing those who do give advice is perhaps easiest of all).

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Sagar,

Dont know how to react to ur post. But very thankfull for ur insight. I started thiking of consequences of exposing my sexual preferences to my family and wife. Right now its just blank. I'm worried now. Got to think about this. All I,m worried about is my family,wife and relatives. Believe me this is not going to happen. I'm 200% sure it will be a shock to death for my parents,wife,sister,cousins. I,m a very succesfull person in life. We started with little money when I was a kid. My father has worked so hard for all of us to be here. Even I became succesfull in life in terms of economic independence. Everyone takes me a role model. My sister,father,mother her freinds,my sisters freinds,cousins everyone in my town. My wife, she has a already a broken engagement. She got engaged to a person and later they realised he is in love with someone else and they called of the marriage. Her father told about this to me before marriage. We were fine with it. I dont think she will be able to accept the fact that I want to divorce her. first of all I dont think I want to divorce. Seriously..she wouldnt have a better life after divorce.

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I think I can rule out the option of exposing myself to my family. But i guess I need to think about letting my preferences know to my wife. i need soem time to think about it. My mind is blocked.

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Nick29 wrote:

flushd,

Being Honest is all what you are saying. Ok..given the fact of my situation here. how do you think it would help the situatuation better? Will she be happy...i would say "No"..Will I be Happy? "Yes-being relived of that tension but seeing her sad..i dont think we will be happy. Can I handle this situation by ebing faithfull to her for the rest fo life. Thats the reason I,m here and yes I will be and can be. Will my Parents be happy- No way knowing there son has fooled around

All I can say is that I think it would be good to give her the option of making informed decisions for herself.
She is your wife, and she deserves to know what she is getting herself into if she comes to the US.
Right now, she does not know a lot of important things, so you are making decisions which will impact her life greatly.

I understand you are in a difficult situation. No doubt about it. And I do not know everything about you, the situation, or what you should do.

Can you imagine being in your wife's shoes?

Do you really know that you want/can be faithful to her for the rest of your life?

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ossobuco wrote:

Chumly, that would be too much way too late - obviously.

Can you truly pinpoint when you would want to know some potentially scandalous action of your spouse? Can you truly be assured you would want to know what that potentially scandalous action was? How about 10 years before you die?

I suggest all martial relationships, must inevitably be built, to some fair degree, on self-deception and egoism, irrespective of romantic idealisms.

Clearly some relationships are more overt, some are more self-destructive, some are more mutually beneficial, but deceptions remain aplenty.

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Chumly wrote:

flushd wrote:
Cultural differences do not lessen the importance of honesty, in my book.
Would you tell your parents you were bisexual, if you knew, with certainty, you would be expelled from the entire familial unit plus the culture you knew and loved?

Chumly, I don't think my personal reaction in this hypothetical situation is relevent to Nick. I'm a different person.

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Yes, I can, but that is a tangent to nick's situation.

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nimh wrote:

Chumly wrote:
In situations like this it's very easy to criticize and apply one's own sense of morality.

It's much harder to be open minded and constructive and supportive.

What would be your constructive and supportive advice to Nick, Chumly? Because so far most of your posts seem to be addressed to other posters. (Merely criticizing those who do give advice is perhaps easiest of all).

Hi nimh,
I feel I have been constructive and supportive to Nick29 through my posts by posting a potentially wider perspective.
Where did I say that giving "advice" was something I advocated in this circumstance?
Where did I say that being constructive and supportive imputes providing "advice" in this circumstance?
Show me exactly where I "Merely criticizing those who do give advice" as I contest that assertion.

It is possible nimh that you may be undervaluing my posts because they are parsed as questions, and because some are not addressed to Nick29. This in no way decreases their potential benefit to Nick29 however.

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flushd wrote:

Chumly wrote:
flushd wrote:
Cultural differences do not lessen the importance of honesty, in my book.
Would you tell your parents you were bisexual, if you knew, with certainty, you would be expelled from the entire familial unit plus the culture you knew and loved?

Chumly, I don't think my personal reaction in this hypothetical situation is relevent to Nick. I'm a different person.

Perhaps you are right, but unless you can be entirely objective about these things (dubious), it would indeed hold some relevance.

But perhaps you missed the point of my question by taking it too literally. Why? Because I imputed a circumstance in which Nick29 lives, and then asked you to put yourself in his shoes. In that I could have been clearer.

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Help me restore my marriage? Bisexual here

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