Help me restore my marriage? Bisexual here

Chumly, your example with the French wife/mistress can't
be compared to Nick's situation.

To stay with your example, the mistress obviously knows
about the wife, and vice versa as well. Both choose to look
the other way.

Nick's wife doesn't have this option. She is an innocent
girl whose first sexual experience happened to be with someone who neglected to tell her about his sexual preferences. When he married her, she rightfully would assume, that Nick is committed to her and honor a monogamous relationship. If he wanted an open marriage,
he should have discussed this with her beforehand.

@Nick
in my opinion, you are extremely selfish and if your wife
means anything to you, than you do what's best for HER -
not for you ! This of course takes a certain amount
of maturity, and I am not sure, you've got it.

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chumly,

so are you saying, I can bring back my love life back to square one, which was healthy and happy.

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Calamity,

You said do whats BEST for her and not for me. Which means I ahve to be with her and honor a monogamous relationship for the rest of my life. Well I'm telling I want to do that. But what takes me to do that is what i,m not clear. To love her, do you think i still ahve a chance to expect somemthing from her? something like I always want to express her feeling, most of the times she doesn't. She is quite and she tends not connect to me, if soemthing unlikely happens. Thats how I actually understand that soemthing unlikely happend for her. I'm not blaming her. it was me who agreed to marry her for what she is. So, i'm ready to do what it takes to make our relation two ways and more affectionate to each other.

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flushd wrote:

Your relationship with your wife is ALREADY broken.....so this isn't a case of 'how can I not ruin it'. It's already dead, and it actually sounds like it never was!

I don't say that as a value judgement, it is just a fact. She does not know some important truths about you (parts that seem to be hard for you to accept about yourself even), you have lied, cheated.

Basically, your marriage is false. That is why you feel disconnected from her.

Nick, do you agree with that?

Yes, our relation is on the verge of breaking. But we did share a very wonderfull relation before. But later on it faded away with the distance we had. We are living was away to each other and talked less comparitively. Got busy with our work and jobs. While I crossed the marriage rules by having relation with others. Now I strongly want to build our relationship.

Last time we spoke, I told her on phone that she has a very low self esteem and got to imporove it. She always thinks she is not as charming as I'am. But I dont want her to think that way. I liked her before marriage and admired her, otherwise why would I agree for the marriage? She always think I,m superior to her in many ways. That si fine, but I want her to feel the charm in her like me. Dont I deserve to see some good things in her, they are very important for a person like me.

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Nick29 wrote:

Calamity,

You said do whats BEST for her and not for me. Which means I ahve to be with her and honor a monogamous relationship for the rest of my life. Well I'm telling I want to do that. But what takes me to do that is what i,m not clear. To love her, do you think i still ahve a chance to expect somemthing from her? something like I always want to express her feeling, most of the times she doesn't. She is quite and she tends not connect to me, if soemthing unlikely happens. Thats how I actually understand that soemthing unlikely happend for her. I'm not blaming her. it was me who agreed to marry her for what she is. So, i'm ready to do what it takes to make our relation two ways and more affectionate to each other.

Nick, put yourself in her shoes. She never had any sexual relations
with anyone but you. She needs you to guide her, to teach her and
to show her that making love is something very beautiful.

She has low self esteem, that means, you need to help and build up
her confidence level. SHow her she's desirable to you despite her
weight gain. Help her lose weight by encouraging her, make a nutritional
plan together and reward her efforts.

Right now, she's vulnerable, and needs your help.

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Nick29 wrote:

Calamity,

You said do whats BEST for her and not for me. Which means I ahve to be with her and honor a monogamous relationship for the rest of my life.

Not if it makes you unhappy. If being with her in a monogamous relationship (assuming thats what she wants, and it certainly sounds like that) makes you unhappy or enduringly dissatisfied or frustrated, then, whether you want to or not, you are going to make her unhappy too. You might take it out on her one way or another. At the very least, the mere fact of you not being happy with her would make her unhappy - who wants to be with someone who doesnt really go for you? (Especially if you've got low self-esteem already?)

So if you will not be able to be happy and content in a monogamous relationship with her, then no, you do her no favour committing yourself to one with her. In that case, the best thing for her is if you leave her to find someone better suited to her - even though she might well tell you that thats not at all what she wants.

Look at it this way. You say that she has very low self-esteem. You want it to be better. Can her self-esteem really improve by living with someone who is not in love with her, who does not think she's the best in bed, who thinks she's overweight, who misses and yearns for his adventures with others (even others of another sex than hers), and who feels caught or oppressed by the very thought of having to be in a monogamous relationship with her? Would that do her any good at all, in the long run?

Wouldnt you say she deserves someone who is truly in love with her, and who looks forward to sharing his life with her (and only her) with eagerness? (Of course something untoward does happen in most marriages eventually, but that's different from not looking forward to it in the first place.) Can you be that person? If not, are you the person she deserves?

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CalamityJane wrote:

Help her lose weight by encouraging her, make a nutritional plan together and reward her efforts.

That sounds like awful advice in this context. Her weight is the least of her problems right now, I'd say. And being guided on what to do by someone whom she seems to obey and adore, but who doesnt seem to care about anything but what he "deserves" on the matter ("I deserve to see some good things in her, they are very important for a person like me"), will really lead her up **** creek.

If you cant love her enough overweight and all, then a nutritional plan isnt going to help much either, Nick; the answer is inside you, not her.

(And all the other things CJ said was good advice)

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The minute I read Calamities latest comments that I need to guide her...I was so happy inside. That was soem promising suggestion that i think would go for. Why would I worry so much if I really dont love her at all. Afterall she is the only one whom I can say will be ready to live with me for the rest of my life. May be there is someone else also, but who cares for that UNKNOWN, while I know someone. Its not that I need a non-monogamous relationship. "nimh" you truly brought out some good points but the thing is I was very happy for the first 3 months of our marriage that we spent together. So happy that I told to myslef I,m not going to fall for anyone else and then once i departed, my wierd mind took me to wrong places. U know the darker side of it which wakes up in nights like a Night Owl. Not any more..if it wakes up I will amke sure to wake up the Night Owl of my WIFE too from now on. If I want to be happy I got to amke sure I spend all my life flip and flop sides with her and only HER.

I'm right now thining to GUIDE her to improve her self esteem. Reduce her weight. I will teach her all the ropes in BED as she is complete novice to it. I will expose all my intrests to her so that she exactly knows what truly makes me happy. At the same time as she doesnt tell what exactly her intrests are becuase she tend to accept everything taht comes her way. I will study her and find out all that she likes. Will amke her to lead a more self esteeme life and lead a life of her intrests and eventually our intrests. All these qualities would evoke a lot of intrest in me to be with her for lifetime. Love for that matter I guess clicks that way..

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Quote:

I'm right now thining to GUIDE her to improve her self esteem. Reduce her weight. I will teach her all the ropes in BED as she is complete novice to it. I will expose all my intrests to her so that she exactly knows what truly makes me happy. At the same time as she doesnt tell what exactly her intrests are becuase she tend to accept everything taht comes her way. I will study her and find out all that she likes. Will amke her to lead a more self esteeme life and lead a life of her intrests and eventually our intrests. All these qualities would evoke a lot of intrest in me to be with her for lifetime. Love for that matter I guess clicks that way..

I like that! So go and be a good teacher!

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nimh wrote:

That sounds like awful advice in this context. Her weight is the least of her problems right now, I'd say.

Clearly you're not a woman, nimh Laughing

Weight is a huge issue with
the ones who have a problem with it. It's a vicious cycle: low self-esteem,
disappointment, feelings of inadequacy equates to more eating attacks,
more weight gain. Especially young girls suffer tremendously if they're
overweight.

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I'd still say it's a smaller problem than her husband going off and falling "naturally" into one-night stands...

That paragraph about guiding and teaching makes me very nervous. What exactly about her did you fall in love with, Nick, that is HER and not merely potential? She gained weight after you married, that I understand, but interests, style -- those are intrinsic things, and I don't quite trust that anything productive will come out of an attempt to impose your will there.

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Nick29 wrote:

Afterall she is the only one whom I can say will be ready to live with me for the rest of my life. May be there is someone else also, but who cares for that UNKNOWN, while I know someone.

What about you, what about the other way around? Can she honestly trust that you will be ready to live with her for the rest of her life?

The "why would I care, when I know someone" bit meanwhile sounds, if you'll excuse me for my rudeness, more like laziness than love ...

Dont necessarily feel bad, I was in a relationship for three years (way back), for one, that was ... fine ... ok .. not too much trouble ... comfortable enough ... why would I look on?, is what I thought too, probably. But although I cared for her a lot, I didnt love her, and certainly wouldnt have been satisfied spending the rest of my life with her, and those things eventually do come to light (I found a lover, and only later split up). Looking back, I know that I robbed her of three years of her life. The less it would have been, the better it would have been.

Nick29 wrote:

"nimh" you truly brought out some good points but the thing is I was very happy for the first 3 months of our marriage that we spent together. So happy that I told to myslef I,m not going to fall for anyone else and then once i departed, my wierd mind took me to wrong places.

Three months? That is an awfully short time to base any life decisions on ... how long did you know each other before you got married? (And on a related theme, how much does she know about the life you had before her?)

Nick29 wrote:

Not any more..if it wakes up I will amke sure to wake up the Night Owl of my WIFE too from now on. If I want to be happy I got to amke sure I spend all my life flip and flop sides with her and only HER.

Well, if she is that kind of person and goes for the same kind of things, then you'll surely be in luck. What do you think? What would you do if you'd found out she wasn't?

Nick29 wrote:

I'm right now thining to GUIDE her to improve her self esteem. Reduce her weight. I will teach her all the ropes in BED as she is complete novice to it. I will expose all my intrests to her so that she exactly knows what truly makes me happy. At the same time as she doesnt tell what exactly her intrests are becuase she tend to accept everything taht comes her way. I will study her and find out all that she likes. Will amke her to lead a more self esteeme life and lead a life of her intrests and eventually our intrests. All these qualities would evoke a lot of intrest in me to be with her for lifetime. Love for that matter I guess clicks that way..

That sounds beautiful ...

But beware ... trying to teach her, improve her, guide her, shape her and heal her is a mission well avoided for one and the same person ... to be lover, father, teacher and husband at the same time is one hell of a tricky load for the best of men, and not necessarily healthy for either one involved.

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sozobe,

So far witha very strong will to rebuild our relationship.
I'm seriously thinking to stay away from one-night stands and then for al love to happen between us. The first step that i'm going to do is take CJ's advice. Be a teacher in what I think I'm a professional. I cant wait to talk to her. yesterday it was a 2 hrs call and today it might be short but very precise to know more about each other. Make her understand what i like. Everything that she does only for me makes me love her more and more and everything that I do all this talk is my initiative would make her love me more. She doesn't respond much to sex. I will make sure it will be a pleasure for both of us. I can't think of any better solution right now.

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Back up a bit...

What do you love about her?

Can you name one thing that doesn't have "I" or "me" in it?

She puts up with a ton of stuff and is eager to be your doormat, great, but what about HER?

Her taste in books?
Her sense of humor?
The way she makes sure to feed the squirrels on the way to work?

What do you love about HER as opposed to any other blank slate?

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nimh..I ahve already inclined to one solution of avoiding one Night stands and be monogamous and be a teacher.
Your previous comments are eye opening for the fact that those are real and happened for you. But in my case her thoughts are all about me and she wants to lead the rest of her life with me. Only thing is she is not used to expose herslef, and be subdued and she just needs a little soemone like to walk her through the true colors of life. A life where one can see and feel the enjoyment and its beauty. I think I'm there for her to be everything.

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Ay-yi-yi.

I see flashing red "warning" signs all over that one.

Nobody should be anyone else's everything, and if someone needs an everything, he or she should get to a point where he or she DOESN'T need an everything before getting in a serious relationship, much less getting married.

IMO.

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sozobe wrote:

That paragraph about guiding and teaching makes me very nervous.

Why sozobe? It is perfectly normal to guide and teach an inexperienced
partner in sexual relations. If one is willing to learn and the other is
willing to teach, than both will benefit from something, they'll enjoy in
the long run.

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I admire her as a human. I like her face. She is so pretty. I love her hair. She just has silky and short hair, which I dreamt from my childhood onwards. Her care for me. Her respect for me. Her height makes me proud to stand beside her. All these things might sound silly to you. Totally I like her as a person.

Her tastes in life: That was a hard task for me to get that list so far. But i guess this is what I know:
She likes to work hard. She loves my mom. She likes family stories. She is a good friend of my mom and she loves to hear all those stories. She si a good listener. She likes watching movies. She loves Sweets. She is mad about chocolates. To be frank I think I know very little about whatl she likes. I guess I need to work on that.

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She just called me. Will be back soon.

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Sexual relations, sure.

He's talking about a lot more than that though (interests, style...)

That's not the basis of a partnership between equals. I understand that some people think partners don't need to be equals, but I think it's pretty much a fact that in today's society, in America or England or Australia, a relationship based on one partner being the superior/ teacher (in all things, not just sex) and one partner being the inferior/ student (in all things, not just sex) is pretty much doomed, whether now or when there are 4 kids and she realizes she has no idea who she really is.

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Help me restore my marriage? Bisexual here

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