Weekly A2K News!!!

Aha.

Ah, a kinder, gentler bunny

Where? Lemme at it!

Pastafarians Take Over A2K

Dateline: http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=60367

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster received a major boost in membership when a small chapel was opened at Able2know yesterday.

New converts asked questions about the new worshipping system and duly discussed the benefits of membership.































The FSM has even been found elsewhere on Able2know. His influence is spreading! Simply go to the Search page, select FSM and Display Results as posts. Note that FSM also seems to stand for the Federated States of Micronesia, but we all know better.

Pope Ratzenhofer was not immediately available for comment. Stay tuned and bless the semolina.

Victimized Waterfowl Discovered in Jespah's Posession[/size]

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS
On October 7th, 2005, an FBI investigation led to the discovery of a severely traumatized Humboldt Penguin in the freezer of Boston resident and Able2Know collaborator Jespah.

The penguin, pictured below, was captured off the coast of southern Peru last fall, when the Humboldt Penguin drug craze became popular. It seems that Jespah was snorting the dried, crushed guano of the imprisoned penguin to get a high in a process that local high schoolers are calling 'guaning.' The reaction is said to produce a hallucinatory effect not unlike that of shrooms.


Due to these developments, frequent visitors of the popular online discussion website Able2Know now wonder whether or not some of Jespah's comments and supposed activities, such as the 'hoarding of blank scrabble tiles,' asking rhetorical questions such as 'does chicken taste like chicken,' and procuring seemingly random quotations of other members were the result of his guano addiction.

"It's an outrage," exclaimed outraged leader of the Outraged Animal Rights Society (OARS), Christine Hennessey, "This penguin was minding its own business, filling a niche in the environment, when this... this... dog kidnapped him for his own selfish purposes... well, actually, maybe the penguin was a her... I can't tell. In any event, this is outrageous." OARS has petitioned for Jespah's immediate execution, as Hennessey explains: "This poor Humberg penguin must be avenged. Our only viable course of action is clear: Jespah must be bludgeoned to death with trout." The courts have not decided as to whether or not this is what shall occur.

Jespah's proven guilt, however, only raises more questions, such as the implications that Craven de Kere, Jespah's friend in San Diego was also a 'guaner.' SWAT teams are currently preparing for an investigative operation of de Kere's household currently. Meanwhile, this does answer some questions, such as the disappearance of a large percentage of a nearby fish vendor's wares. "I got hungry!" claimed the distressed penguin.

Jespah, now in the Federal Bureau of Investigation's custody, could not be reached for comment.

Miraculous Gender Identification Tool Discovered!

Dateline: Joisey

At Penguin Guano Sniffers' Anonymous (or, PGSA), a small advance was made in the gender identification wars when a search for the words "husband" or "wife" were made on the popular website Able2know, thereby rendering certain penguin guano snorters' genders well-known although, as some have pointed out, there is the matter of certain, ahem, Massachusetts marriages. Other clues such as references to "she", "her" and "that gal" and "big-footed women" were also added to the weapons in a gender identification researcher's arsenal.

No word yet on whether this tool will be successful with Humboldt penguins or, perhaps, temporarily Humboldt penguins.

Michelle Wie, who recently announced she was joining the PGA tour, has now retracted that statement and, instead, meant to say she is about to join the PGSA tour. The tour will consist of members traveling throughout the world and speaking with persons whose genders are difficult to assess, thereby ending all confusion forever. First stop, Pat's house:



It is expected that a large stash of blank Scrabble tiles will be found there.

Oy! I just discovered there is a damn Regis Philbin, Region Philbis!

Your damn name has a MEANING!

What do you mean by it???!!!

A2K NEWS AND WEATHER BULLETIN......


A large lorry on its way from a wig warehouse has overturned on the freeway.
Police are said to be combing the area.


A man convicted of stealing 500 Monopoly sets was today sentenced to go to jail, to go directly to jail, to not pass go and not collect 200 dollars.


Police broke into the home of Ireland's most brilliant forger today and took away two million seven dollar notes.

The Capybara farmer who has kept himself awake every night for seventeen years by snoring has at least found the answer. He's going to sleep in another room.


....and now the weather.

This is today's weather forecast.......

It will be dry in Rye,
Cool in Goole,
And those of you living in Lissingdowne are advised to take an umbrella.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

look closer, grasshopper.
open your mind's eye and you will know the true meaning...

Try to snatch this pebble from my paw.

That's enough to give anyone pause.....you look like you might bite.

I don't bite in my sleep, just talk a little.

Snore?


And I sooooo don't believe you are asleep.


You are lulling me into a false sense of security, or trying to.


Like Lucy: "I won't pull the ball away Charlie Brown!"


Beelzebub!

Oh yeah, I snore. You might have heard me in Australia. 'Course I was asleep in Boston at the time.

If an old cartoon becomes evil, is it then called Beelzeboop?

Heehee...anyone seen "Drawn Together"?

It is a whole lot of cartoon characters, including, I think, a plumper Betty Boop, in a Big Brother type house, causing mayhem.


It is sort of South Parky, but more adult in theme.

Checked. It's Betty Boop all right.

LONDON CALLING.....HERE IS THE NEWS FROM THE BBC.

The band of the Royal Cross-Eyed Dragoons attended the changing of the Colours today, where they played "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Sailor", followed by "What Shall We Do with the Drunken Fairy?."

Owing to the severe bread shortage in Britain at this moment in time, a man has been seen in one of the Royal Parks, throwing IOU's to the ducks.

There have been strong rumours going around, that the president of the Dairy Council has become a Free Mason, as he has been seen giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.

Today in the courts, an unemployed labourer was found guilty of running up and down Downing Street at two o'clock in the morning shouting, "All the government is barmy!"
He was given a fifty pound fine for being drunk and disorderly and a ten year jail sentence for revealing a state secret.

And finally, sacked door to door salesman Alfred Saunders, took his case to an industrial tribunal today, but when they saw him coming, they all lay on the floor and pretended to be out.

LOL!!!!

*laughing*

Trouble in Canada, New Regime in place, Markets affected

Dateline: London and sometimes Tranna

Her Majesty the Queen, in an effort to become more accessible to the people, has announced that she can now be referred to as Her Majesty da Queen and can be announced in the following manner: Her Majesty da Queen is in da House!

The ghost of Queen Victoria rose from the dead and was not amused.

In other post-empire news, Droitwich Manor's own Lord Ellpus was made the new Governor General Lord Protector Grand Poobah and All-Around Powerful Dude of Canada. Upon hearing the news, the lord, known affectionately as "LordE" and "Skittles" and "the ineptly horny guy on holiday", was heard to exclaim, "It's a fair cop, and I'm happy to do it. Now, where are my cigars?"

Once the news had spread to all of the corners of the globe, including former, current and possible future members of the empire (excuse me: da empire), it was announced that Montana was missing. That's Montana, the noted member of Able2know, and not the state somewhere around the Dakotas which contains an inordinate number of bighorn sheep.

Recently, though, Montana has turned up, and in a most unexpected place, on the arm of Lord Ellpus himself. Montana is reportedly now the Queen of Canada (excuse me, da Queen of Canada) and Princess of the (sorry, da) Internet.

Droitwich Manor has been turned upside down while Lady Ellpus has been searching for a good bottle of sherry to toast Montana's coronation and to secrete in a hidden panel in the conservatory.

Lady E., when asked if she minded that Montana had become Queen and not her, was heard to say, "Why, I've had quite enough of that, it's rather a bother, you know, having to dress up, put on the old ermine and crown, carry that stupid bejeweled ball around and that ridiculous scepter and open a load of shopping malls, all the while with all of that curtseying and bowing and scraping and a lot of little schoolboys think it's a load of fun to let loose with a bit of flatulence like a thunderclap while in mid-kneel.

"And ruling! It's such an interminable bore! What with the petitions and the complaints, and then it's Off with his head! and Off with her head! and right now I'm looking to retire to a private island. Oh, I shall miss Ellpy while he does his thing, you know, but I have my cabana boys, Juan Carlos and Sergio, to entertain my every whim. Ellpy can come home at his leisure, once he gets tired of things or maybe when they kick him out of the ruling class again, you know like the first time, when he was caught licking postage stamps in a most seductive manner during the wedding of Princess Anne and Captain Mark Phillips."

Meanwhile, stamp futures in both Canada and England are reportedly through the roof and are considered a profitable if somewhat risky investment.