You know, we all suffer setbacks in life, no one is spared from it. How we deal with them though, is important. In your case: you suffer from a lost relationship, (negative outlook) but in reality you are free to find the girl of your dreams now (positive outlook). With every relationship, with every setback you gain experience and you learn about yourself.
For having lost this girl and suffered through the break up,
you will treasure and appreciate your next girlfriend/relationship much more. You also know what to look for and
what you can do without. It teaches you about yourself and
about the person you're looking for.
If you think what makes a diamond so valuable? The
cut edges do!
The only confusing variable of this matter is, what if I believe the perfect one for me is whom I have lost?
My apologies for going off on a tangent. I really think I should open my own thread to deal with these plaguing questions.
Also, I admire your perspective and reasoning CalamityJane. I only wish to possess half the resilience you obtain.
I have been reading along, Borealis, and I see you speak of your self and all of us in the third person.
It sounds rather academic.
This is not foreign to me, the bit about being academic, but it isn't all that useful here on a2k.
Tis best here to just talk about what really bothers you.
It may be that many posts make no sense in response to your question, to you.... and people fly off on tangents re the thread.
Still, it is possible, even probable, that you will have some useful advice at some point.
Ossobuco, thanks for the input.
I agree, it is rather academic. I thought it through and it doesn't really help if I vice it in third person as it isn't all that useful. I am just use to subjecting situations and ideas in third because in a way I thought it was rather selfish if it only corresponded to me. I guess my assumptions were wrong.
From now on, I will try my best to verse situations and problems that really bother me. I think it'll give better feedback, since I don't have to take the generalization I recieve and translate it back to my own problems and situations.
Good, borealis. That had been bothering me - not a lot, but a little bit. Actually, 'bother' is not the right word. The use of third person had been throwing me off a little bit.
Update lately, He has called me since he has been gone. He told me he misses me and loves me that he wants to see me when he gets home. I said nothing to this, he went on to tell me he can't go back to her he would only be fooling himself and everyone involved, he said he knows he does not love her. Well I am scared and I told him that, I let him know how hurt this has all been for me and for me to go back to him we would need to sit and talk. I will not go back to the way it was and if he truly knows it won't work with her than no more not standing up for me or going to parties without me. But if he thinks I am going to play the game of back and forth I won't. If he tries with he and thinks I am just going to wait until he decides I can't do that.
trfirst--
Good. You are putting yourself--and your kids who depend on you--first for a change.
Blow hot, blow cold. Blow hot, blow cold.
He gave his wife and kids hope--and then snatched it away again.
As far as he's concerned the drama is all about him and his choice. The lives of the other people involved are not important to him.
What was his response after your demands ?
Things now should be on "your" demands and he should be jumping through "your " hoops. You stay strong and not only tell him those things but stick to them to. (that's hard....). He needs to realize that he is being very selfish. He needs to think about not want he needs so badly, but his decisions are not effecting just one HIMSELF but at least a half dozen other people. He should realize what and how this effected you, your children, his ex, and mostly his own children. If he is so careless in not having any regards to them I can't imagine in the future how he will be with you. (But I knew he'd come back....weasel, he likes that power and control huh !)
His response- he asked me to give him a break and be patient with him. He said he knows he is just saying a lot of words right now to me and is not able to show much action but in time he will show me all the love I deserve. I went off when he said give him a break, I told him that is all I have done is give him a break. I told him I want nothing more than to be with him but I can't forget my wants and desires either and give up on them. He said he understands but really wants me to be patient while he works through this with his kids.
trifirst--
Quote:...give him a break...
If he hasn't been "working things through" with his kids over the last few years, what has he been doing?
Run, girl. Run--or fix your face to have your needs ranked low, low, low in his ordered universe.
Wow, he sure wants it all. You have been extremely patient. He is "lucky" to have a woman by his side and supporting him like you have. He should be kissing the ground you walk on. He just doesn't get it does he? Nor will he I think. He's a selfish little boy who needs to grow up. I would say do your own thing and not a thing more until he has "shown" you at least a half a dozen things that "shows his love" for you." He will have to earn it, and if he doesn't, I wouldn't care how much he would tell me he loves me...I would need more then that and I would move on. Sorry but that's what I would do. Man, I would of been livid if I heard that comment !
trfirts, you just stay strong and you were right by what you told him.
He's still just using words and excuses and it's great that your seeing that and calling him on it everytime. Soon he'll realize he can't get anything by you anymore and that you mean business. Noddy is right, what has he been doing for years if he is just starting to figure things out now ?
Remember they cling and panic when they figure out they are loosing you. It's a control thing. He might go through the stage where he is the sweetest and most affectionate for a while and then when he thinks your getting comfortable and he feels his threat of loosing you isn't as strong he'll just go back to his old self.
