affair

Hi trfirst... welcome to A2K.

What did cause the divorce? Perhaps he treated his wife the same way he is treating you. If that is the case I would consider ending your relationship with him as well.

I'm trying to get the timeline straight. Did the two of you start seeing each other AFTER he and his wife separated? If so, I really don't understand why anybody would blame you.

About the party this weekend...ASK HIM if you will be going openly as a couple, and let him know that you expect to be treated as his partner.

affair
He said he ended the marriage because he never felt appreciated and loved, he said they didn't have any thing in common. I do believe him on this because I know her and it always seemed they were not happy. People blame me for the divorce one because he use to go out alot with his friends with out her, while I was out he asked me to dance often and I would (maybe not the best decision at the time). Also I was the first person they saw him with. I guess his friends are shocked that he would leave and divorce so they feel there has to be someone else. But I can tell you I am not the kind of person that would ask a man to leave his wife and kids.

Point is, he's not treating you properly the way you, or any
significant other, should be treated. This could be an
indication (doesn't have to be) - once you two are married -
he'll continue going out with friends while ignoring your
feelings and wishes.

People don't change all that much and his utter lack for
your feelings would be a red flag for me.

trfirst--

Welcome to A2K.



I know you never asked this guy to leave his wife and kids--but didn't you wonder why a married man was spending so much time with you on the dance floor?

This guy probably did not start his divorce with the idea of a life with you in mind. He's getting divorced because he likes living like a bachelor--with a sure and certain source of sex.

He's not treating you like a Beloved--he's using you. He doesn't give a damn if you're blamed for his divorce--just as long as he gets his divorce.

If I were you, I'd be doing some serious thinking. Remember, cheaters always tend to cheat.

At the time he was out without his wife yes I wondered why she was never with him, but I never figured I would actually be dating this guy I just thought he enjoyed dancing and so did I. His wife and him are two very different people, both in good ways but she does not enjoy the things he does, and she does not enjoy the things he does. He told me he asked her many times to go out with him and she would say she wanted to stay home.

We have talked since I wrote the last response about him standing by me with his friends and family, and about me going with him to the party he says he will be with me. I am still uncertain of the outcome and very nervous about going. I truly love this man like I have never loved before and I want to be with him, so I am nervous because if he does ignore me it will tear my heart to pieces. I am a 39 year old women with two wonderful children and have been divorced for 7 years, I have only dated 3 men since my divorce and only one of them were serious. I have a high profile job in my community, so my actions are watched and judged by alit of people. This makes it hard on me one because of my job but most importantly because I don't ever want my kids to suffer. This man is also well known in the community and very well liked by all, he says he loves me and knows what has with me is very special. I just hope he treats me well tonight and with respect, because I am not sure I can take another night of being ignored or felt like I am just set aside for later. I know I am better than that and I know I can find someone to treat me better, but its him I want, it is him I have looked for for so long.

It sounds like you really care for this guy. And despite my lacking in years i can very much see why you want to be with this guy. And i can also see how incredibly hard it must be for you to suffer that sort of scrutiny from people who have no business looking at your life.

I know it is very hard but i honestly believe you need to wait until his divorce is over. At this point some of the pressure will be alleviated in terms of people watching you guys, and you will also get to see what he is really like when he's not in this awkward situation

You have a clear understanding of what your personal risk is.

Good luck.

Well it just went ok, we were not together like he said we would be. We didn't come as a couple and he came around me every once in a while. His brother and his friends were there and I guess it made it uncomfortable for him. There is a part of me that thinks I am not being understanding to his feelings on this but another part of me believes I deserve to be treated as though he cares about me with respect. He treats me like I am the one who tore his marriage up in front of his friends, they all know we see each other but when they are actually around he acts like we are aquaintances. I am just rambling to get some feelings out, I love him and will try and understand his feelings better.

Yep.

trfirst--



He treats you as though you are responsible for ruining the marriage he betrayed....and you think you should try to understand his feelings.

What about your feelings?

I understand what your saying, I know my feelings matter as well. I am not sure why he wanted me to go in the first place, he knew they would all be there and Im sure he knew it would be hard to be around both me and them at different times. I have told him the only way they will accept me is for him to step up and prove to them I was not responsible for his marriage ending, there is nothing I can say or do to get his friends acceptance without him by my side. I just don't know why its so hard for him to realize it, If Im so important as he says than wouldn't he want me accepted.

One more thing, I am an attractive, successful, outgoing women so its not like I am a person to be ashamed of. I could see if I was a drug or alcohol addict, or irresponsible mother but I am not.

You are not accepted in his circles because you are not important to him.

He's perfectly clear about what he wants and needs. You are the one who is confused because he's saying one thing and doing another.

Right, Noddy. And when someone says one thing and does another...which do we believe?

ALL TOGETHER NOW.....

Nicely said, Eva.

And what do we call this sort of behavior?


Crazy-making

trfirst--

Believing a lying man despite the evidence of your experience as processed by your common sense is dangerous for your mental health.

I guess my issue is I don't know that he has lied to me or just afraid to face his friends and family regarding me. When we talk about it he says, but I have taken you places and I was around you the night of the party. He did come around me some but it was 45 minutes before he came and sat down and when he did sit down it was when I went to the bathroom. Well the party is over and other things have come up with his son, he feels so guilty leaving that everything his 16 year old son does he thinks its because he left. I think sure some of it may be but I also think its him being 16 and wanting his way so he plays the game, I remember when I was 16. Now I have a wedding coming up and he said he would try and go with me (its my sisters in Iowa) but now he says his ex and kids will be coming back from vacation on the day before so he would feel bad leaving when they get back. Maybe I am not being supportive but we are talking a day and 1/2 and besides when those kids get back they will want to be with their friends they are 16 and 18 not 5 and 6. I feel so bad in the way I am acting toward this, I know he needs me to be supportive and understanding and I am trying to be. I really think he loves me but his guilt is holding him back, I don't know if I should walk away from this or stand by his side and help him through it. I want to help him through it and he says he wants me there for him, but for some reason I feel so insecure about this. I don't want to get hurt if I give everything I want to give him and than after it all calms down he decides I am not for him, I am scared to death. I am rambling on and on, I guess I just need to get some things out so I am writing it all here.

Hello trfirst,

He needs you to be supportive and he wants you there for him. You are willing to do those things and yet he's trying to make YOU feel guilty for being upset that he wont join you at your sister's wedding. This man is sucking you dry and giving nothing back in return. It sounds like you had a pretty good sense of yourself before you hooked up with him. Find yourself again and tell him to give you a call when he's ready to have a give-and-take relationship that includes both of you.

The age old question of assessing your life and determining if you'd be better of with him or without him applies here. This is about you and your life and what you are giving and getting from your relationships. You seem to be doing an awful lot of giving and not getting very much at all.

Good luck to you. I hope you find happiness with or without this man.