affair

Cheyanna, so glad to hear you've got your eyes wide open! Seems that's a hard thing to do, sometimes.

Sounds like you understand this behavior perfectly... and you're right, nobody cares about his life, certainly not as much as he thinks. They're all worried about their own lives, just like the rest of us.

So glad to hear you've let him know what YOU need in a relationship. If he can't provide it, well, too bad for him!

Welcome to A2K, Cheyanna! Hope you like it here as much as I do.

trf, I would take your current assessment as a warning of how he'll treat you later on - if the relationship continues. People do not change the color of their skin that easily - usually not. I think all the precaution signs are there for your's to read. Good luck.

Thank you, and ya I do like what I have been reading, no-one is telling me what an evil person I am .... without realizing that each situation is different and everyone needs to be in each others shoes before making a decision on how the "proper" way to act should be. I try to be clear headed, but I tend to talk big and back down later. I am just very much hurt and upset at this point. I understand things need there process, but they don't need this long. I get upset that maybe I am selfish in thinking "I deserve this" but you know what I do. I am the one who has been there whenever needed to talk, for comfort, for security, for anything needed, and why because I love him. I am unable to get that in return, so for me to want or need some respect in public is not something that is out of line to expect or ask, it should be automatic and given to me without an effort. I deserve at least that. If I am your soul mate, the only person you have ever loved, then treat me like it. I have made a decision that I am tired of having all my energy sucked out of me, I want a normal relationship and I deserve that, I asked and was told I could and would receive that, and that was 2 months ago, (wow didn't realize it was that long) and I haven't. I am noticing (slow learner as it has been years) that words and actions are not moving with the same speed of light here ! Words are definatley flying much faster. I have decided last night to STOP giving him his needs and attention asap.

Cheyanna, I really hope trfirst is reading your posts... it sounds like you're on a very similar road, just a little further along (ha, I mistyped that "along" as "alone," a Freudian slip!)

I think LOTS of women are on this same road. Maybe some of them will read this too.

As for doing stupid things and making mistakes, well, it's the very thing that makes us human in the first place... in my mind.

I hope she is and I hope anyone else who is going through it can tell me it all works out in the end. That the knight in armour fall's off his white horse, hits his head and realizes what a selfish moron he's been ! but I guess no-one has told me that. It's hard, I won't say it is, I think of myself as a highly independent self-assured woman with some common sense, and I have been upset for two days now thinking about all of this getting support from close friends. The thing is he, like alot of the others is not a man who goes out and has multiple affairs, or a rat. He's a intelligent man, who unfortunately was living in an unhappy marriage with children. From his upbringing and close community we decide we made a vow and can deal with it for the children. Then you get in a routine where each of you (wife and husband) get your own agendas and separate activities and now pass each other in the driveway and only communicate by email who is watching the kids when and live in separate bedrooms for years. You find the woman you love and realize life doesn't need to be that way, life is so much more, what good does a martyr make...and you are torn and decide you can't live this life and decide to get divorced. But you still feel guilty, and your all concerned on what other will think of your so called perfect life of yours (because you made sure your life looked like that since you did not want others to know what a lifeless marriage you had, not their business to know, your better then that), reality sets in. Boy that's alot to deal with and it sure helps having the woman you love there by your side whenever you need her. She's there and you feel so good while she's there. You just have to make sure for your sake that others don't know about this. If they did that would make things so much harder for you, what to explain, your reputation, your children. I say after all this, if your not ready for the fire don't light the match. If I would of known (hindsight) that the "divorce, marriage over" wasn't going to be actually started for another 2 years I would of said no, now that I have been slowly dragged through this process it's really to late and now MY reputation is ruined not his, since he hides everything and I am the one who looks like she's chasing him, when in fact it's the other way. Yes he loves me, no doubt, would he cheat on me once married, no, not a chance, he is sensitive and charming and is the only man who makes me smile just by hearing the sound of his voice even after all these years....but do I deserve more, you betchya !

Cheyanna--

Your posts have a lot of good sense, but they would be much more effective if you used conventional paragraphs.

As you've noticed, life and romance aren't all-of-a-piece and your prose style shouldn't be all-of-a-piece, either.

Well Cheyanna, I have been reading your situation and I do feel we are living the same life. I have been so hurt and upset the last two days I don't even know how to feel anymore. His soon to be ex wife called him and really gave it to him about dating me, his daughter called him and did the same told him she wanted nothing to do with him. I never expected the wife to except me or anyone in his life for that matter, but the things she said about me are so untrue and this hurts me. I think it hurts me even more because I felt he was feeding into what she had to say, and he knows all I have been through he knows the whole story of my divorce, he knows I have dated only 3 people in 7 years and that I have wonderful children. I do not expose my kids to numerous men, I am very close and honest with them and the one thing she said was she could not believe I would expose my kids to such a life style. I am sorry but what life style I have been living is so horrible for them. I have been seeing him and I have protected them from being around him until I know exactly where it is going. They have had numerous problems with their son and at times she doesn't even know where he is at night, I can guarantee you I know where my kids are.

My point to this and my confusion is I know she is hurt and will say what ever she can, I don't blame her for her hurt. I just don't understand him only saying to her, well I just haven't seen that in her. If he really left his marriage because he truly didn't think it would work or he doesn't love her than why would he let her feed him crap about me, why not just say to her hey this is about us not her. We are at fault for our divorce, you don't know her and do not know the whole story of her life. I would not let anyone put down or tell lies about him, I love him to much.

I have been so confused lately on what to do, I have done nothing but cry trying to decide what I should do about this situation. I did write him two very long emails on how I felt about his conversation. I told him he needs to re-think his situation, because if he left for the wrong reasons it will never work for us because he will always wonder if he tried hard enough and feel guilty. If he feels guilt he will never be able to love me fully like I deserve and like he deserves, and I will not allow his friends and family to ruin my reputation for decisions he has made. I told him at this point it is hard for me to just walk away from the greatest love I have felt so if he needs me to walk away to please tell me.

Have I made mistakes in my past sure I have, should I have to re-live it for ever I don't think so. The bad thing is his friends and family are taking pieces of my life and blowing it up into untrue rumors. I want him I love him more than I thought I could love anyone. I really thought I would never marry again, but I do hope some day to see us married. But I also want to be with someone that supports me and can see the kind of person I am. My friends tell me to ignore the rumors that they are jealous because I am attractive and outgoing and self sufficient, they say this to make me feel better but I care about my reputation most of all I want him to not feed into the rumors. I have no idea if I have made any sense on this at all but now I have ran out of time gotta run.

trf, May I make a suggestion? Don't worry about what people think of you; it's self-respect that is more important.

I just went through what your going through. Rumors got back to his family and his sister in law, parents weren't talking to him and believing the rumors too, he would just say it's not what they heard and that was it. It took about 3-4 months before they all talked to him, and then it blew over. He did say that he loved me and if his family decides not to talk to him nor listen to his side then that was fine with him.
You sound alot like me. I said and he said it was "never" about me. I do realize now by his actions (not words) that the guilt is what is dictating him and it "is" become about me. He is so worried about what others are thinking, saying.
I agree with you on what she says about you should of been stopped because at this point what should that matter. She just trying to stir up trouble and doubt. She is hurt and is willing to try anything. He should be aware of that. He might be like mine, can not stand conflict so be quiet, ignore it all and in time I hope it goes away. I keep telling him problems only get worse.
I also like you have been divorced for 13 years and only have introduced 2 men in my son's life. The first was a 4 year relationship, this one. MM and I have been best friends for years since my son was very young so for him it was an easy transition.
You made me realize something when you said about him feeling guilty and not being able to love you like you deserve. That is what is going on right now with me, like I said before it's guilt and that's why I feel like I deserve to be treated better.
It's hard because like you I know he's my soul mate, my true love, and he has said the same thing about me. That's why I just don't understand either. If you love me like you say, can't live without me love, then why do these things and let them drag on forever. I don't understand. You have my sympathy. I know how hard this is and what it feels like to have that heavy heart sinking in your stomach feeling.

I don't want to be mean but what do you expect the family to say? Even if you aren't the reason the marriage went sour, you just fueled the fire by becoming involved.

In my case, MM and W have been living separate lives for years. His "W" has been the one with multiple partners on the side (now been with the same man she works with for a few years also). They had been living in the same house for the "children's sake". The children are young, 3 of them, all under 11.
These are children who have never experienced a "family" life. They do not celebrate holidays together, they do not take family outings together. They do everything separate. Like earlier post I stated they only would meet each other in the driveway. Communitcate in email. The thing is he had decided years ago, it was not a lifestyle he choose anymore. Since we had been friends he knew he loved me from the 1st moment he met me but decided he would never act on it since he was married (even unhappy) for the children. Years go by and he realizes he want's his children to see what a happy relationship would be like. He has been buying boats lately, campers, planning on when we are all able to take family trips together. She liked that lifestyle, she had a husband paying bills and babysitting while she goes out, and sleeping in his own room and not caring about who she's with (since there was no love they were happy just to have each other away). He lived that way since he was able to spend all the time in the world with his children, and not dividing them up. Now everyone is going to see with this divorce their lives were not "perfect" and she wants the focus to be not on her and her doings divert them onto him and what a terrible person he must be, and what he has done. Since he is the quiet type he does not stand up for himself. He is not going to be the one who says, "it's not me she's the one who started it" mentality.
It's confusing and hard to explain. It's amazing why and how people get married without realizing what it all entails. Marriage is to be taken much more serious then it has. I was married young and my husband was an alcoholic and abusive. I thought I vowed in front of God, I can make this work. There is a point when you realize you can't. I should of never gotten married i the first place. I should of realized things will NOT get better, it's as good as it is. I also did not love my husband unconditionally, who could ? Now older and have had relationship experience, I know what love is, he also after his situation. And it's sad, we should be holding hands running throughout the park. Not hiding and feeling guilty from it, nor waiting forever to attain it.

From my point of view it seems odd that the families of the divorcing husbands seem to side with the divorcing wives.

You Other Women may not be at fault, but the men may be pure as the driven slush. They certainly are not being kind to any of the women in their lives.

From what I've seen, families often side with the wives. I think it's because women talk to each other more than men do, so the family knows the wife better than the husband. Also, if they maintain good relations with the wife, they're much more likely to retain a relationship with their grandchildren/nieces/nephews. The family doesn't get ripped apart nearly as much. Sad, but true.

You know, Noddy, I was thinking the same thing you were. These men don't have good relationships with ANY of the women in their lives. Their situations are messed up all around. One should look for the common denominator.

Eva--

Great minds run in the same channels.

I was just talking to a friend of ours (who knows all angles of this one) and she mentioned the same thing to me. His marriage was in paper only not a "relationship', he never had a girlfriend prior to her, when they were engaged they lived apart for the entire engagement (she bought her ring and engaged herself...different story, different day). He doesn't know "how" to be in a relationship. He knows he loves me, can't live without me, feels terrible when he's hurt me. But doesn't know the basic things.
I am not saying their marriage falling apart is 100% her fault. I can see exactly why the train crashed. He was emotionally distant from the start until the birth of their 1st born. He was a work alchoholic. He had other out of the house activities 2,3 times a week. She got feed up and instead of both of them COMMUNICATING, she started having her activities on the other nights. They ended up doing everything apart, resented each other for numerous things, different cirlce of friends, different lives on roof.
He is, has been totally different to me from day one. Reason why we became so close as friends. He tells me that he never wanted to spend time with her. If he had to choose he would choose a buddy to go to a game with, a movie with. With me, he doesn't' want do anything with anyone but me. Problem is with this all going on our "anything" is limited. That's what I am getting tired of.

Hooking up with a married man, and expecting any kind of normal relationship, or sympathy, or empathy, just seems silly.

<shrugs>

Lotsa people seem silly to me lately.

I would agree with you. But it's funny how things happen. It's always easy to say what you'd do or believe in when it's not you.

Helpless wisps of straw swept out to unfathomable seas by the currents of passion and fate.....

The fault, Dear Brutus, is not in our stars....

If you don't mind my bringing it up, this to me is the fundamental misconception of Cheyanna and trfirst... mistaking this married man for a soulmate.

Your soulmate will be just as kind to you as you are to him. Trust me when I say males are just as capable of expressing tenderness and love as women are... though they often express it in different ways (think actions, not words).

Your Real soulmate will consider your feelings and show you how he cares with his actions, not his words. He will not just send you flowers, leave you love-notes, and look deeply into your eyes over candlelit dinners.. he will also take out the trash, split the mortgage payments with you, go to Wal-Mart with you and carefully discuss whether you can afford to buy that particular model of TV (or whatever), help you with childcare, and listen to you each and every time you feel like complaining about your day, even if he really doesn't feel like it right now.

Women are sadly encouraged to believe that Romance and all its frills will bring meaning to their lives. It doesn't, it won't, and it never will.

You both have plenty of Romance, but you are lacking Reality, the nitty gritty everyday nasty fun and wonderful part of spending the rest of your life with another person. You want that, you need that, and you deserve it. It is up to you to go out and get it.

I guarantee that you are both looking in the wrong places for what you really want. As long as you keep looking in those same places (married men), you will keep finding the same negative things. Find your Real Soulmate, the one who backs up the pretty words with pretty actions.

Wishing I could whisk away all your pain.

It was me.
Briefly.
Then I realized my own value.