affair

And are you positive he is actually getting divorced?

Life has no guarantees, I suppose that is a risk I need to decide I want to take. I realize he is still legally married but he has filed for divorce and it is taking a long time because of his business. He has been out of the house for a long time and swears to me he no longer loves her and that is why he left, they just did not have anything in common and the love was gone. I know he has a history of not be faithful but like other forums I read some people do that out of being lonely. Your correct that is a big risk for me and I do not want to get hurt in all this, but if I don't see where it takes me I will feel like I walked out without trying.

What's the business owner --> divorce is taking forever connection, btw?

That's exactly why I asked if she's sure he's actually in the process of divorce. Seems fishy to me.

He is the business owner and is involved in many other business deals, he continues to get info needed from her attorney and he sends it in on time. I have to say the attorney she has seems slow at doing her job. He even called her to see what is taking so long, she admitted that she has taken on more than she should have. The attorney did not even look at the stuff for two months after. He did tell me last night he was going to sit down with his soon to be ex and ask her what it is she wants out of the divorce so they can move on.

So that doesn't seem to have anything to do with being a business owner...? Just that his wife's attorney is slow.

How long has it been, exactly?

Or that he hasn't actually filed.

True that the attorney is slow but it also the fact that he owns a business and has many assets to deal with. I have been through a divorce and know the difference between dealing with owning a business and not. It is much faster to finalize a divorce when there are not as many assests. It has been going on now for about 16 or 17 months.

Wow, long time.

Why do you think his wife's attorney is dragging it out?

I don't know why it is being drug out by her, I happen to know of her around town. She has the reputation that if your getting a divorce you want her on your side not against. She digs for all she can get, she is very expensive.

The business ownership does make it more complicated, particularly if she is listed as a co-owner of the business or on the Board of Directors. If it's also in her name, they would need to determine a fair market value for the business as well as their personal property and he would need to either buy her interest out of the business or keep her on the Board and maintain a professional relationship with her after the divorce. It a lawyer's dream come true.

Osso wrote:



These days you aren't a "nicer" person because you lean over backwards to suffer for love, to understand for love, to sacrifice for love.

You are a person who is being used.

He will not change as long as you manage to accomodate his selfish behavior in the name of enduring love.

Not to sound as if I am totally against sacrifice in life, though it may have seemed so in these few posts and in another thread. I am against it as a way of being, some kind of what ends up as self immolating love devotion. Real life and real love have enough natural sacrificing built in to the mix of living life together without picking up sacrifice as a rite early on with someone who is just not that interested.

I agree that is a cruel sentence I just wrote and I didn't write it to be mean. I think you are being strung along, and I hate to see that happen to a selfsacrificer.

She's a giver, and he's a taker, osso?

Not that it's that simple, of course. But users always do manage to find people who are bighearted and easily manipulated.



No, of course he doesn't. He has you right where he wants you. The man has had ample opportunity to learn how to treat women, he is not a child. He treats you this way because he can. See? You're still there for him! This was just a cheap apology, meant to smooth things over. I wouldn't expect anything to change.

Eva and I aren't always on the same page, but more often than not. (trying to remember when we weren't).

I have several friends who did make it through the morass after divorce situation, but, er, dozens who didn't. There is a Lurch Period, my term for the reaching out that naturally happens, but doesn't necessarily mean a really good fit for long, more often not long at all.



Yikes, earthquake here.. (typical californian, I type through it.)

Haven't had one of those in awhile.

I am hearing all of you, its just not easy for me to leave him. The one thing I can say I am keeping my eyes open more now than before. I told him last night I did not understand why he did not pick the phone up when I called him on Sat. night after he some what stood me up.

I am not a person to sit around and feel sorry for myself, so when I am upset with him like I was Sat. night after thinking a little I needed to address it. But its hard to address and work it out when he doesn't answer the phone. I told him I will not play those games, I said you know you were in the wrong and you ignored me when I wanted to fix it. I can make a promise to myself now that I will keep my eyes wide open and try and find my dignity again. I have made it through a lot in my life to this point and became strong through it and I really don't want to loose that. In one year I lost my mother, went through a divorce, had a house fire and lost everything important like my kids pictures,first hair cuts ect.... Believe me I know others deal with a lot more, like my sister who has two children with a genetic disease (they can't see or hear and are in wheel chairs because they lost all nerve feeling in their legs).
Not like a lot of smarter women than I, I gave up a lot in the divorce because I wanted out and didn't want my ex to suffer financially and I felt I was stronger to start over than he was. So I have dealt with a lot, and I need to remember that.
With him I just really felt after seven years of being divorced I found someone I can truly love and devote my heart to, be there for him. But I realize it has to be on both sides, I am not ready to give up on him, I will just put my wall back up somewhat. Thank you once again for your advice.

I'm really glad to hear that, trfirst. There's nothing wrong with you setting boundaries and letting him know what behavior is OK and what is not. That doesn't mean you don't love him, just that you expect to be treated with the respect and dignity that every human being deserves.

Please don't be more kind to him (or anyone else) than you are to yourself. You deserve your own care, your own respect and affection, and that must come first in your life. Without that, you won't have the strength to really care for others.

Best of luck and happiness to you!

trfirst--

Hold your dominion.

trfirst, I think all of the posters here, or mostly all, get it entirely that it is not easy to leave. Many of us post from after we have been through similar situations, while we relish new and younger posters with fresh points of view. Occasionally we as a group, as wildly disparate as we are from around the earth, of different ages, waydifferent religions, agree on some post or other.

We're not infallible even if we agree for a minute, but you do get layers of opinions to look at.

The fish is beginning to smell.......