affair

Hu, CI, do you want to explain?

Well, my response was made after reading only the first post on this thread. This business owner doesn't want to publicize his relationship with this woman even though he's in the process of a divorce. I'm leary about people keeping intimate relationships secret - for whatever reason. "In the process of a divorce" can mean many things. Whatever his problem with his current wife, it may be the result of him "playing around with other women."

I went back and read some of my responses along with others and I can see why you may think other women might be in the picture. I do not feel he is interested in any one else right now anyway, but sometimes I do feel he keeps that door open for an opportunity that may come his way. But he swears to me he loves me and does not want anyone else, he tells me he knows what he has and doesn't want to mess it up, but he wants to give his soon to be ex wife some respect and not flaunt him and I to her. I need to understand this and I do but it does get difficult at times because I feel he takes it to extreme at times.

I thought he'd moved out of the marital home some 16 months ago? Was that right? What's to "flaunt" so late in the game?

I worry that he's showing more respect to her than to you, trfirst. What about YOUR feelings?

Maybe he is and there have been many times because of that I have asked him if he is sure he is making the right decision. I have asked him if he thinks he should go back and try again so there are no regrets. He explained to me they went to counseling and it did not help, he says he does not want to go back.

I hate gamesmanship in any relationship that isn't up front and honest. Secrets are for adulterers.

Well, you approached it in a much more subtle and gentle fashion than I would have!

I would have asked something about why her feelings were of more concern than mine to him, or why he pussy-footed around town with me when he moved out of their house 16 months ago, or something equally, well, crabby.

Since he shows regard for her feelings, after all, he's just as capable of showing regard for YOUR feelings.

Amen.

Amen. Is there an echo in the house? LOL

Amen, sisters and brothers..

not to gang up on you... trfirst.

I'll see that "Amen" and raise you one more....

trfirst, I have one question. Is he still living in the same house with his wife or has he moved into a place of his own?

He lives in an apartment and has for about 17 months now.

The fish is rotten, and the smell is only getting worse.

trfirst,

Have you tried taking a break from this relationship? If he's in love with you then he should understand that you need to know that he's with you for the right reasons. You might consider telling him to give you a call when the divorce is final. In the meantime you should try to get your life back in balance. You're giving way too much of yourself to him and not getting nearly enough in return.

Once the divorce is final he'll either call you and tell you he still loves you and wants to be with you or he'll find someone else to rub his shoulders and build up his ego. At least you'll know one way or the other.

I like J_B's idea about "taking a break from this relationship." This relationship is on quicksand anyways, so there's nothing lost if he doesn't call you back. Don't waste your time with this dude, he's playing you like a fiddle, and it ain't purty music that's being played.

I like her idea too.


I have to say that I think of that as a cushion for you. I think you're going on a ride and would be better off waving 'bye'. But, at the least, take a break.

I would like to thank you all for your reply's back and you advice. Yes I have thought about taking a step back from this relationship, I guess I am just not emotionally ready to do so. Actually things have been going much better since our recent discussions, he did tell me yesterday he is ready to show others we are a couple. I have not hidden our relationship with my friends and family and they were getting confused on why he was hididng so hopefully he means what he says so we can all move forward. Again thank you and hopefully this will be a new and happy start.

Good luck!

wow, is this me....
I am a newbie and just needed advice, so after googling I found this message board. After reading your messages trfirst, i literally had to sit back and think to myself "Did I write this ?" I am the same age, going through the EXACT same thing, same feelings, and think we are seeing the same man (joking we really aren't not trying to scare you). I like you am not the reason for the divorce (like your situation taking forever). The same exact things are said "I have alot to learn" I do know his family, life since we have been best friends for years (reason why everyone is assuming it's me for the failure of their marriage and a great excuse for her to spread so she sounds like a victim). I think I know why he treats me like your being treated. It is because he's scared, he has no "balls", he has such a high regard for himself/others he feels his life must be the focus of everyones daily lives and conversations....he is not able to see that over half of these people really don't care nor give a flying monkey what his life is about. But he worries so much about what others think that their feelings come first over mine. When I explain to him about this behavior, his response is he's worried about me and how people will treat me and acceptance of me. It kills him if I am drug into this. My response is I am a big girl, thank you for caring, but I would prefer that my feelings come first, not "joe blow" who you see once a year as your trying to not make him feel comfortable and ignore me. I know I am rambling, but I know EXACTLY what you are going through, I also love him and never in my life have felt this way, (I am old enough and through enough relationships to know) so I to feel it's worth holding on to, he's going through alot, be there for him and all that....but there are times where your feelings are hurt and your not being validated. I also feel like sometimes I give to much and have nothing in return. I also have friends-family who know about our relationship and nothing in his side but the warped reality version they choose to create. It hurst when friends ask me why do I put up with his treatment of me in public, when they see his behavior change at the drop of a hat if he's around his "safe" crowd. I wrote him a few months ago a 16 page letter stating exact examples, and what he has done while this has all been prolonged. Since he never saw it before. I also asked him who gave him all the power in the world to make the decision for all of our lives, me life, his childrens, my children, I told him to realize his behavior is effecting not just his but everyone elses. I also told him about my feelings when treated with neglect in public and how that does not prove to anyone we are "not" a couple, everyone suspects and knows it..what it does prove is "I do not mean anything to you, and it doesn't validate the love we share" It was 16 pages of not bashing, of awareness. I can honeslty say I saw a change, he called a day later crying and was embarrassed for being so selfish. After all this time he finally "got it". Now, that is good, but typically, he does from time to time slip back to this...and last night was one of those moments...Later when I talk to him I will tell him to go back read that "infamous" letter, and read over a dozen times the paragraph that states "this is what I need in our relationship, tell me now if you can give this, if not be honest so I am able to move on, if you can give it let me know and I will be here for you with support and love...guess I have to remind him again.

Well, there's a good post. Welcome to a2k, cheyanna. You are an articulate writer. (We tend to like paragraphs here at a2k, but that is a quibble in the face of a some clear thinking..)