affair

Go ahead and get your feelings out, trfirst, but remember; getting a divorce means he is married.

trfirst--

Every time you indicate that you are a person with needs, he suggests that you don't understand him?

I bet his wife didn't understand him either.

This guy is good at taking--and lousy at giving. Is this really what you want?

Thank you all for your input. I have alot of thinking to do about this situation. My fear is if I let him down when he needs me most I may have lost something very special to me. Your correct I did have a good sense of myself before all this occured. I have always looked at myself as a very strong women with a direction, now I am confused. Well thank you once again for hearing me out.

You're very concerned about letting him down when he needs you, aren't you, trfirst. Too bad he doesn't seem concerned about letting you down when you need him. The relationship sounds very lopsided to me.

Why does insisting on your own dignity threaten him?

hey, if you lie on the floor, you're going to get walked on. dump him. or, decline the invitation to the party with no explanation. if you are unhappy about he treats you then you'd better get a grip and make him aware, cause it's not going to get any better.

Another thought...

The fact that he has allowed his family and friends to continue to think of you as the reason for his failed marriage tells me two things. First, he's spineless and is using you as a scapegoat so he doesn't have to be the bad guy and second, as soon as he no longer needs you as a scapegoat he will no longer need you at all.

Life was good before. You don't need this man in your life to be happy. You are thinking only of him. What about you? What are you getting out of this and how much is it costing you?

Believe me everything you are telling me is nothing I haven't already thought of myself. I guess its just going to take me some time to sort this out and see where it takes me.

The thing is, you KNOW the right answer. You can NOT change somebody else. And the "needs" that you refer to him not taking care of, are some pretty HUGE ones to have to put aside, ignore, go without.

The pain of a break up now is a small price to pay to save yourself a future of hurting, regretting and having your self-esteem torn away.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!

I've never seen a query from a man saying, "I'm in love with a married woman, but she ignores me in public and everyone thinks that I'm responsible for the trouble in her marriage.

Why does the man in this relationship hold all the power? Did someone give him all the decision making power? Why?

Really I am not sure the answer is to walk away, my father told me if you truly love someone you stick by them through it all. So I want to be there for him, I love him.

Although this past weekend I got pretty frustrated with him, all week he asked if I could do something on Sat. night. I told him not a problem because my son was going out of town and my daughter would probably be staying at a friends house. So Sat. night I get ready thinking he will call me to meet him but 8:00pm comes and nothing, so I call him he is at a local bar with his parents and siblings and tells me he was going to meet his son to watch the fight around 9:00, I say ok because when it comes to spending time with his son I truly understand. 9:30 comes and a friend of mine calls me telling me to come to the the bar they are at and its on his phone, I tell her no I won't be there and I hang up. He calls back and says are you upset, well of course I am, I am just sitting here after making arrangements for my daughter thinking your going to be with your son and now found out your out drinking and want me to just jump when you say jump. He apologized and said I was right, wanted to know how to make it up to me. I told him I had some thinking to do, I tried calling back and he would not pick up the phone finally he called me back and asked me to meet him out, I told him why would I come out and make a fool of myself and have him ignore me. He promised to not ignore me so I met him out. He was very attentive to me and very sorry for how he acted. All I told him was I am tired of being 2nd all the time it was like that in my marriage and I want to be 1st just once in my life after his kids of course. I told him when he hasn't been drinking we need to sit down and talk about what has been on my mind and how I feel about things, so we will probably talk tonight.

Noddy24,

As to where he gets all the power, I guess that comes from me. I have felt like he needs support and understanding because of the divorce, I wanted to be his friend more than a lover because I felt that was more important in his life at this point. But as time has went on and I have been accused of so many untrue rumors because of his situation and him not standing by me I can feel myself getting tired quickly of the power he does have over me.

trifirst--

In this world you sometimes have to kiss a lot of frogs. I know I did.

Good luck with your thinking.

trfirst,



I'm going to try to second guess your father here by saying that when two people have a committed relationship with each other and have taken vows that bind them "for bettor or worse", or through it all as he said, then you don't simply walk away when things get tough. I don't think he meant that you should stay dedicated to a man who is still legally married to someone else, hasn't committed to you in any long-term way, has taken advantage of your kindness, has used you as his scapegoat to his family and friends, continues to want you to be available when it's convenient for him, but become invisible when it isn't. Would your father really think you should stay in this relationship?

Good luck tonight. I hope your discussion goes smoothly and the outcome brings you peace.

You're absolutely right, J_B! Her father would agree that this is a case of misplaced loyalty.

trfirst, it's wonderful that you are fully capable of making a commitment and keeping it. Now all you have to do is find someone worth committing to. This guy isn't it.

trfirst, why are you so much more judgmental and critical of your own behavior than you are of his?

If you'd held him to your own standards of behavior, you would have dumped him a long time ago, and justifiably so.

He does not deserve you. And no, you will NEVER be able to change him into someone who does deserve you, no matter how much you love him.

Life is hard, but better things are ahead for you. Best of luck and happiness to you.

I suspect trfirst's emotional point of view will be hard to break away from, attached as it is to what was a sincere comment from her father, however we think it is misapplied, and because many of us were and are raised to suffer for love, be understanding for love.

Some here, including me, don't think rolling over emotionally while being mistreated is any favor to a healthy loving relationship, as one person, whichever - male or female - becomes weak in both views.

Add to this the knowledge of the ages that relationships that happen as a marriage ends are, er, trouble city. It's true, they can work out, but true caring must sustain a lot of onslaughts at the time. This appears to be very onesided caring.

So, I join in and say 'wake up', girl. And I know I wouldn't have wanted that said to me in some of my past situations -
but damn, it would have saved me a lot of wasted emotion.

Oh, man! You're so right, osso. It would have saved me a lot of wasted emotion...and time...too.

I was once the Queen of Misplaced Loyalty.

We did talk last night and I told him how I felt about standing by me and showing me I am important to him. I explained to him I was backing away emotionally from him because of his actions, I told him I would never have treated him like he did me on Sat. That makes me wonder of the committment you have to me and us. He said he was very sorry that he has alot to learn and does not want me to back away from him. So I will see how it plays out from here.

The man is still married and seeing you. What makes you think he won't step out on you if (big if) you two get married?