I'm Having An Affair w/Married Man

Do NOT[/i] follow your emotions, follow your moral obligation to yourself and to your children.

If you should stay with him and he leaves his family, he will never let you forget it. If he is so unhappy with his wife, why didn't he leave before you entered his life? And, you will ALWAYS[/i] feel you were the reason for breaking up his family.

I know these are not the things you want to hear, but they are real and valid points.

Also, something for you to consider is will he cheat on you too? If he did it once, he'll do it again. Try to put yourself in his wife's shoes? There's three sides to every story ... yours, mine, and the truth.

If the moral or religious obligation is violated by a spouse with mistrust and unfaithfulness, then infidelity exists in a marriage or relationship. In our society, whether two people are married or not, it is not acceptable to have an affair.

If it can happen in the White House, it can happen in your house.

What he does is separate from what you do.

If he chooses to leave his wife, he will need to find a place to live, a way to organize his new life. That new place to live needs to be on his own, not with you.

Once he's been on his own for a while (1 to 2 years) you can decide where you want the relationship to go.

Cheating once does not necessarily mean it will happen again. I believe that the odds are probably a bit higher, but it's not a 1+ 1 = 2 kind of equation.

I'd recommend telling him that you're going to give him a time-out while he decides what is going on with his marriage. Ask him to get back to you in 6 months to a year.

It'll be a bit clearer to both of you then whether there is potential for a true relationship between the two of you.

Good luck. It's not an easy situation to be in.

My question is do you really love him or you jut want to continue with the affair? If you love him you can try a more serios relationship once he's available -not getting married right away-. If, on the other hand, you just want to continue with the affair you have to let him know that you're not up for something serious and that you don't want to get married. Be honest with yourself and with him, that's all you need to avoid screwing everything up. Good luck

My reactions are to agree with both ehBeth and rodbogey.
If you can pinpoint how you do feel, re rodbogey's questions, and you really liked the situation as affair better than other developments, then be straightforward fast.

Affairs have their own life, at least to start, with the enhancement of unavailability, danger, romance.
A love past the romantic phase is another bag of beans.

I have long thought that one shouldn't leave a marriage for another person, one should leave a marriage for the marriage. Maybe your married man isn't clear on that.

He could definitely use some time alone and on his own right after leaving his wife. He needs to figure out what he wants to do next just as much as you do. Do not force things, and I'd say keep some distance for a while. I mean, he just came out a marriage!

Ditto what everyone else has said. As a person who left a marriage already attracted, but not yet involved to someone else, it was extremely important for me to take a year to myself and get my head on straight before getting emotionally involved with someone else.

I heartily agree with ossobuco - though I'm finding myself dissatisfied with my own marriage, I feel very strongly, based on how my pre-marriage relationships went, that you shouldn't jump from ship to ship. Leave the marriage because it's not working, not because you have another sinking ship to jump to. That in time, will run it's course as well, and then we've repeated our mistake.

I quite like that way of phrasing it, indiana jones.

Be sure you're off with the old love
Before you're on with the new.

lamontegal--

For Single Women of Sensible Years the rule of thumb is to give any prospective partner two years between the time of the breakup of his previous relationship and the time you start getting serious about him.

You've seen this guy for the most part in romantic conditions. Even when he's describing the failure of his marriage, he's opening up his heart to you-you-you.

How is he about taking out the garbage? Putting your children's needs before his needs? Keeping promises? Possibly sexual betrayal is the least of your worries.

Let me guess....the marriage has been going sour for a long, long time. His wife doesn't understand him....doesn't meet his needs....she's a limited woman (partly because she thinks about taking out the garbage and raising the kids and keeping promises).....

....and Our Two Timing Hero doesn't bail out until he sees a nice, soft mattress. Were you born to be his mattress?

OTTH is a taker, not a giver. Beware.

An affair with a married man you say?

Well, relationship/marriage axioms aside, I will tell you only that you should tread carefully.

Good luck with that.

Im not sure how i feel about Noddy24's response. Yes, his marriage may have been going sour for a while, but a lot of men stay with their wifes for the sake of their children, or because its often the easiest thing to do. When he meet you, and if he really is in love with you, maybe he disovered that he really can be happy and he doesnt have to settle for what life has given him in the past. You can always keep reaching so that you are completely happy. Everybody has the right to be happy. Maybe he had decided to live his life unhappy for other people, but now has meet you and changed his mind. You will know deep down what his intentions are, and how you feel. Go with it if it feels right. If you feel or he feels as though he is not 100% give him time to work out what will truely make him happy.

kittygirl, get with the program. Do you honestly think this man is in a bad marriage because his WIFE[/i] made it that way? Nada! He made his own decisions, and he is still making them, certainly not decisions to enhance the life of his family which should be his first priority.
He strayed from his marriage because HE is in lack, not his wife and children. Do you honestly think he WON'T stray from his next wife? I don't think so.

This man needs professional help, and remarriage isn't going to do it. He needs to find out why his need for self-fulfillment comes before his need to stand by his family.

I'm sorry Misty but I disagree. You seem to judge him because he has an affair, but you don't know any detail about his relationship with his wife. There are millions of things that can lead a person to an affair, and believe me, not all of them are bad reasons. It doesn't necessarily means that a person should get professional counseling just because he/she is in an affair. He certainly has a responsibility with his family but not to the point of voiding his desires whatsoever. Many, many divorced men/women know how to take care of their duties with their children, many of them make great parents after a divorce because they have taken out a pressure of their backs -yes, a bad marriage can lead a person, among other things, to be a careless parent-. People have responsibilities with their families, especially with their children, but they also have responsibilities with themselves; one of them might be to quit a relationship that is not working.
I know that the society values marriages that last forever but, pragmatically, that doesn't usually work since we, as human beings, are in continuous change; we like something now, then we don't like it; we love somebody now, then we don't love she/he. That's the way life is, a wrapped present that is given to us daily, which content we don't know about. We can't, by any means, let ourselves be caught by something or someone we don't like, that's where the problem is, that's when we need some professional help; not when we, responsibly enough, realize that we need to move on and change something on our lives that we don't like anymore.

If you don't choose to honor your marriage vows, opt for living in sin without strings.

"For better or for worse"--especially when children are involved.

See, that's the problem. I'd definitely wouldn't use the word "sin" in this sort of situation. But that's just me.

Pretty sketchy stuff: divorced mother of 2 having an affair with a married man who says he's going to get a divorce. Is this a hot office affair or a deep romantic relationship with depth. Is this your first romantic relationship since your divorce? What is the reason for him leaving his present wife? What are you providing him that his current wife is not? How long has he been singing the "I'm getting divorced" song? How long have you been divorced?

I'd back off a bit. If he is going to get a divorce, tell him to get on with it. Consider your first marriage and what was missing and ask yourself if he can fill that void. Also ask yourself if you can provide him with whatever his present wife can't. Understand that you will always be "The Other Woman" and could plan a difficult part in a nasty divorce. Be sure you know the difference between lust and love. Many hot affairs go south because of a lack of distinction between the two. For me, your post begs more questions than solutions. Taken at face value: he loves you, you love him and he is going to get as divorce. Backing off until the divorce is final should do nothing to dimish your relationship. In fact, it may make it stronger.

Since you knew he was married before you started seeing him, i would just like to know how you coped with being the other woman? Was your previous husband unfaithful? He sounds to me like someone who settles until something better comes along, someone who can't be alone. I think you should take time to focus on issues you might be faced with. Even if you don't get married and just continue to see each other, there will be trust issues. Because once he is a free man, i guarentee you will see a side of him you have never seen before. I say go with flow, but do realize that men will say things to appease women to just keep peace, that includes empty promises.(like yeah uh huh i'm getting a divorce) Just go with your gut feeling, please dont stay in something that is toxic to you, you have to be able to be a strong role-model for your children.

I so understand. I had an affair with a married man for 6 years. He was not in love with his wife and that was where I came in. My affair happened much the same way your's did but I ended it las week when I decided I could no longer wait to be with him and even if he did leave her for me I could not handle the guilt. I alway's told him that if he were to leave his wife it could not be because of me. It would have to be because he truly was unhappy in his life and for that reason only. He was not prepared to leave his wife and I understand this and will now need to accept it. I feel that for him to leave his marriage and change his life completely is not rational. I would let him know that you need for him to take some time to let the dust settle. He will be changing his life, his wife's life and of course the childrens until he is 100% sure his decision is the right one I certainly would not be prepared to live with him.

I concur. Of course, good and forcible sex can be difficult to put aside... :wink: