I'm Having An Affair w/Married Man

I think that if any man can do that to his wife - he can do it to anyone (including the woman he cheats with).

Hi-

I am new to this site. I have been reading all of these comments and can totally relate. I am 26 years old and I have been having an affair with a married man for 9 months. We knew each other years ago when I was just a teenager. He is 8 years older than me and has been married for 7 years. I did not see him for years and then unexpectedly we ran into each other again and 1 harmless lunch date turned into a never ending affair. I love this guy more than anything and I think he feels the same way. We have been on several trips and I have met some of his friends. I truly believe that he does not love his wife but once she found out he delayed his decision. He ended up moving out but when I am with him, he feels and looks guilty. His wife doesn't know the half of what has been going on and I do not plan on ever talking to her. She has called me numerous times and I never answer.

Right now, we have not spoken in 4 days and I am going crazy. He said he needed to clear his mid which he has said before. Once he knows that I am out or seeing someone else, he overreacts. The bottom line is I do not know what to do. Each time I back off, he comes on even stronger and is constantly reassuring me that things are going to be ok. I do not think it is possible to turn your feelings off for someone overnight. I knew what I was getting into and I have prepared for the worst. This is something that I do not regret at all because it allowed me to experience a love that I have never experienced before. I think that everything happens for a reason and I do not think that I have uncovered the reason as to why we crossed paths again after all these years. I feel horrible for his wife and daughter but he is the one that was committed in a marriage; not me. Nothing can justify my actions but sometimes feelings override the guilt that I once felt.

dear kch,
i think you are in the situation as me, please see my posts,
i feel exactly the same as you.
My storyis abit different in that he SAYS he is not married but living in a house they own together.
I would very much like to have contact with you more so I know whether to wait for my guy or not. it gives me hope that yours actually left his wife for you so im still hopingmine will for me,

please contact me.!!

Ladies--

The lying, cheating men are only half the problem. You two are lying to yourselves and headed for misery.

Good luck in overcoming heartbreak.

Put yourself in the wife's shoes. I have recently found out by accident that my spouse is engaged, living with and fathered a child while still married to me, yes we are separated, not legally. This has hurt so much the pain and rejection and our son who will be 10 soon, is feeling rejected. Do yourself a favor for you and your girls, take a break and see what happens, I owned up to the little mistakes I made, I trusted in God, been forever faithful and loyal, not going out with any man due to my strong religious beliefs in what the bible says. You would not now be questioning unless God is trying to tell you something....open your eyes for His eye is on the sparrow...take this to heart and may god bless you and your children. I still love my husband and will continue to honor my marriage vows until he sues for divorce, this is who I am.

Blue...
Hi All,

I came upon this thread of messages by googling "married man affair"... Some very good advice has been dispensed here (about taking time off/out, about not fooling yourself into believing that you are the princess who will rescue a distressed knight out of his marriage "dungeon/misery", etc.)

Now... the tough part is... how do you stop obsessing about the guy... If anyone has any good advice on that, it would be helpful (has anyone done this successfully).

Here is my story (so you know why I asking for advice). I will call my guy "D"... D and I were friends when he was a grad student and I was an undergrad at a university - we shared a lot of common interest and had great conversations, very platonic and healthy, collegial friendship. (This was 9 years ago). He was married and I was engaged at the time - so I had not the least bit of romantic interest in D. I never met his wife - our friendship was strictly at school (not social beyond that) - in the computer lab, in the library, having lunch at the student center, etc. He moved away about 6 years ago (to take a job in another state) so we lost touch for a while. He still comes back here on different work assignments, so we reconnected about 6 months ago. He came out a couple of months after we had started talking again (this was in March). (I should mention that I am now divorced, have been for almost two years now.) We met for what was supposed to be an innocent dinner (two long-lost friends reconnecting), but the chemistry was incredible between us (I never knew I felt that way about him until then) and we ended up spending the most amazing few hours in his hotel room (mindblowing!). He came back here again in May and we got together for coffee - it took all (ALL AND THEN SOME) the courage I could muster to tell him that I could not be his mistress. My main reason? I did not want to destroy him in my own eyes - I did not want to reduce him to a cheating weasel, I think he is a beautiful man and I told him that I did not want to destroy that man (at least in my own mind) in order to take just a tiny (and meaningless) piece of him for a few stolen hours of illusionary happiness here and there. So... consider this point of view before attaching yourself to a married man (when he is split between two women, two lives, two realities, he is no longer the whole, complete and beautiful man you want to love)....

But... now, the question is: How can I stop desiring him? I keep looking for him in everyone I meet - I only felt him in my arms and his arms around me for one night... but I can't seem to get over that... I am also devastated at losing a great friend, an intellectually stimulating conversation partner and an inspiring person.

Any advice?

P.S. He will be back later this summer and wants to see me again... There is no question that there will be NOTHING romantic between us (I am a very principled person - I made one blunder (I am human too), but that was 1 too many)... and I can keep it innocent (like the previous time)... but there are pieces of me that are dying for him... I want to see him, but would it be better to cut it off completely (not even an innocent coffee and conversation)?

Vixen said,



To Vixen, kch, and honeygal,

The way to solve a situation like this is the same way anyone must handle a situation where they are "sinning" (that is doing something they know is selfish but don't want to stop doing). You have to spend some time quietly reflecting on how you can put an end to this forever.

Take a similar type situation (bear with me, I know its not EXACTLY the same).

Take my wife and I, for instance. We felt like broadcast television was eating away at our values. We knew that the programming went against what we knew was right spiritually, but we didn't want to give up all our favorite shows. I didn't want to give up sports (ouch!) and she didn't want to give up all her reality shows and dramas (double ouch!)

Time and time again we tried to find a way to control our desires. We would swear up and down that we would just stop watching this show or that show. But before we knew it we had broken our promises and were back into the same old habits.

Now, granted, your situation sounds like it will be much harder to do emotionally. Yet, the principle is the same.

So what did my wife and I do? We not only shut off our satellite receiver, but I unplugged our antennae as well. It was a very tough decision to take the proverbial axe to the situation-and there were plenty of very good excuses for us to at least keep the local stations on through the antennae. What if the weather gets bad and we need to know if a tornado is coming? What about the local news? What about some of the really good shows that have absolutely nothing wrong with them?

Taking this kind of decisive action is very challenging spiritually. You have to do decide what must be done and then, almost with your eyes closed because you don't want the thing you enjoy to end, you have to lash out and take the necessary action to change things.

For you it might be a telephone call to him where you tell him, in no uncertain terms, that we are finished. The more harsh things that you can say (that have any truth to them) the better. Don't end the conversation with "I wish we could have this, I love you, it just has to come to an end". Why? Because that doesn't work, it's tantamount to saying that you don't really want to say what you are saying (which, of course, you don't).

I don't know if this makes any sense (I am not a woman and I don't know if this will help). Have you ever seen his family? His wife? His children? Do you think it would help any to be able to see the family you may soon be destroying? I guess it probably won't. From my personal experience, people don't seem to be affected by that, yet, everyone is different.

I am sure all of you know (intellectually) that , were you able to have a complete relationship with this man, your relationship would soon develop its own problems. Right now, all of you represent a fresh face, a fresh body, and a fresh conversation (unaffected by the difficulties and responsibilities of married life) to your men. For you, this man loves this release from responsibility so he gives you his full attention, "love", and romance.

What you don't see is that the minute all of you and these men start to share some responsibilities, many things will change. It isn't that marriage is all drudgery, but that so many people are uncommitted to working through problems in their marriage and giving their spouse the attention they need to actually make the marriage rewarding. I have been married over ten years and, for many of those years, marriage was very difficult. At times it was miserable. But after working through some issues that had been plaguing the marriage, we successfully made it out on the other side.

Now we are both very happily married.

You may think that you are doing these men a favor by getting them out of their present relationships, but you are only robbing them of the possibility of a wonderful reconciliation with their wives.

And stop thinking of just exactly how culpable you are compared to your lover in this affair. You are culpable enough, that is all you need to know.

Ladies, do what is right and do what will ultimately bring you greater happiness. End these relationships and end them for good.

How can you believe anything these lying, cheating men say?

Vixen--

Welcome to A2K.

Right now you have your short affair with this guy categorized as "High Passion"--which it was.

Your problem is to re-file it as "Tender Memory".

First Step: Consider the incident a once and done affair. Replay the passionate memories, if you must. Replaying them often enough without refreshing them will result in them becoming shopworn and no longer evocative.

Second Step: Resolve to meet him only in public places--with cast-in-stone plans with someone else for after your meeting.

Third Step: Figure out why you were so completely sandbagged by High Passion. This guy may be a great guy, but there was some void in your life that he filled.

Another man might be the answer--or a hobby or a cause or a glamorous vacation. Look for alternatives and embrace them.

Good luck.

Sharp comments, Noddy. I agree.

This goes back to what I posted before( haven't made it back there yet:).

I'm not judging anyone, slandering anyone, or trying to piss anyone off...but the fact remains, these women won't really listen to anything anyone has to say here. They're involved with a married man. I've been there before(separated, but still married) and although I knew what I was doing wasn't right, for some reason, I continuously asked for advice.

It's a thrill in a sick sense. It's flattering in a sick sense. It's addictive and your emotions are played. One would think that after hearing of this scenario daily, we'd be immune. "I would never do that."..right? This/these women are getting something out of this. That's why they continue. I liken it to the fact that they're either having a bout of low self-esteem or aren't mature enough to listen to their own instincts. That's where I was at that time.

You have to remember...for every man who "doesn't love his wife" or is "bored with his own life", there will always be a woman, down on her own luck, that will take him up on his offer. In the end, she'll have never listened to the much-needed advice thrown her way. She'll simply learn like most do. She'll someday soon see it for what it is...and always was.

Thank you...
Dear All,

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

To Noddy: Thank you very much for understanding precisely what I was asking and for the constructive suggestions. I do not know if I can carve out the time to pick up a new hobby and I definitely cannot go on vacation (I am a newly graduated MD and I just started my surgery residency, plus I have 2 kids), but I will try to apply your other suggestions.

To Husband, Bien, et al.: Thank you for your thoughts and comments, they are well-meaning, however they do not address my question. I am neither seeking advice on *how* to stop the affair (it is stopped, it was one night and it is over) nor am I being tempted to jump back into the affair (I have a surgeon's mentality - I cut it, it's gone). However, I was seeking suggestions on how to stop *thinking* about this person, to stop *desiring* this person in the private recesses of my mind and memory. When you amputate a limb, although it is gone, people will often still have perceptions of that limb - for example, they may feel like they have an itch in a foot that is missing. So I was seeking advice on how to cope with this emotional "itch" and whether seeing the person (obviously in non-romantic settings) would help or hinder the process.

Again, thanks for your comments...

Vixen--

Thanks for listening to the advice you asked for. Obviously you have little spare time, but I hope you'll stay on A2K.

Hold your dominion.

Hi all, I'm new here and I have two responses.

For lamontegal, I am wondering if it's the security the married man provided that is what you will miss more. Having an affair allows you to have the relationship without all the ties of a "normal" relationship which may be a result of your care for your children. In your circumstance, you likely feel more comfortable.

Let him decide what he wants to do outside of your relationship with him. If it is that he is so unhappy with his wife, he will make that decision in time. If he is just moving to the "better" of the two relationships, you will find out the hard way.

For Vixen, you will not forget your guy. When you have a "mind-blowing" experience, you cannot forget it. There is too close a connection in the first place to be comfortable enough to let yourself go.

I just ran into an old GF this week and she is not over our time together. I've since gotten married to the girl who has given me those moments. I will not be having an affair myslef but, for those who do, I do not judge. People need to do whatever gets them through their lives in the best waty possible.

Like I said, my advice(if you can call it that) wasn't meant to offend anyone. I'm happy to hear you've chosen to no longer involve yourself in a situation doomed for heartache.....

However, I am unable to lend advice regarding human thoughts. From my own personal experience, the only thing that seems to work is to convince myself that I'll "think of it later". I've yet to acquire the ability to erase any given thought. If someone has this recipe, I'd be glad to hear it. Otherwise, I consider it discipline and thinking objectively.

Good luck to all.

As it has been said before there is some good advice....just remember if you happen to be "the other person" and this man leaves his marriage..don't always believe what they say...my husband had an affair, and a child, I found out on the internet, he totally bashed me to his new found girlfriend and now they are having problems, he is starting to get "uncomfortable" and looking to leave her and his other son as he did to me his wife and first son, sometimes they have issues they have not dealt with, and will have one foot in the relationship and one foot out...waiting to depart when issues rise....be careful of these men...just remember not all men are like this but stay away from married men...let them learn to live on their own and adjust, one family is destroyed, while another one is "happy", not always true.

I am having an affair with a married man!
As all of us that are looking for excuses as to why we ended up with a married man, I would like to think that my situation is different or special in some way. I met him at work, he seemed to have such concern and understanding for my life situation of being divorced, working full time, going to college full time, and raising 3 teenagers. I would see him late at night as he came in to the hotel where I work - I would be cramming for tests and he would give me a pep talk - this went on for 3 years. After finals one evening I went in to the lounge and asked the bartender to fix me a stout drink on my last five dollars....I sat there just numb from the stress of the past week. I finished the drink and a second was soon sitting in front of me - which I quickly told the bartender I could not pay for. She nodded her head toward a window table and there sat my friend, looking very shy and nervous. I went and sat with him - talked school, work, weather, and all. I left shortly after, but we agreed to go out the coming week when he was in town. Within a short period of time we became intimate - and after the first time I found out he was married. I was devastated because I had come to love this man dearly over the previous 3 years...I knew that I should walk away then and told him that -
but he was adamant that I was the woman of his dreams....we are going on two years and he still tells me that, but he is no closer to being divorced - mostly because of financial reasons. I will say this, I have a sexually transmitted disease - I have been totally honest and he refuses to wear protection because he says it doesn't matter - he hasn't had sex with his wife for years. He loves me and it doesn't matter cuz he won't be giving it to anyone else. He has a doctorate - I am working on a Masters, and his wife makes about $300 thou a year - so you would think we would have a combined intelligence not to do this stupid thing - but I love him with all of my heart and know full well that I might be hurt beyond recognition. On top of everything else, I have a wonderful man who is a senior scientist and professor that would love to be my husband or significant other if I could just let go of Mr. Married - but I just can't forget the special friendship, great sex, and shared sense-of-humor with the man I am not sure will ever be mine. I have had his wife call me and accuse - but I told her we were just friends. I felt horrible. I don't want to hurt her or his kids - but he always tells me, "I deserve to be happy too". He is a wonderful man who is Mr. Mom most of the time, funny, so intelligent that it is scary, 10 years older than I, not particularly good-looking - but he makes me feel very special just by looking in my eyes and telling me he believes in me. I don't know if I could let go of that, even if it means being the other woman. His best friend told me that he remembered the first time Mr. Married met me - after checking in at the hotel they met for a drink and when my friend walked in his buddy asked him, "what happened to you, you look like your going to puke". Mr. Married said, "I just met a girl, and her name is -----". That was five years ago and we both seem to fill the same way today - he fought even talking to me for a long time. Now I am pushing him to be with me, and he always says that is the goal - not sure how long it will take. The kids have private school, lessons, all that - he knows my kids, golfed with my ex, and we are a couple when he is in town. What a stupid deal all of this is!

Personally, I always worry about taking out the garbage more than sexual betrayal. Geesh.

Why is that - because you don't do it - or you do and it is just ok? Just wondering.

This is so repulsive to me. My God! This above poster is ranting and raving about this "loving man". This man is married, sleeping with a woman infected with an STD, refusing to use proctection, and making it all "okay" because at least he doesn't screw his wife.

What's obvious to me is that this STD isn't curable or else she would have already taken care of it. So, not only is this person willing to infect this "loving man" but also his wife. MY GOD! Pathetic.

You know..to you..the OP...I don't give a **** what kind of degree you carry, your little boy toy carries, but more about your complete lack of common sense. If you're infected with an STD, WHY DON'T YOU INSIST HE USE PROTECTION? You're willing to give him what you have?

You know, I'm not coming down on you for whatever your situation is, but for you to be so blind and careless is pathetic.

Again, please tell me people like this don't exist. Please tell me women like this don't exist!