I'm Having An Affair w/Married Man

hi
unhappyone,

i'm sorry to hear your story. i'm an indian too - and sorry if this sounds blunt -but it's highly unlikely that your T.T will divorce his wife. He's had an "arranged" marriage becuase thats what his parents wanted for him. This means that he will continue in that marriage - becuase thats what his parents would want for him. Do you think he has the guts to divorce not just his wife but his entire family?

(And just FYI - in the "arranged marriage market" in india, men who have immigrated to the US have high "demand"...and he would have had the luxury of picking and choosing from the various girls falling over themselves to marry him.)

Why does he want to divorce her? Is there something seriously wrong with her? Does she work in the US? Is she well-read/educated? Try and find out more about her...maybe you will fal out of love with him...

No, he already told his parents about his situation and how his marriage was a mistake and reassured them that it's not their fault. The reason he will take 1 or 2 years is to stablish some ground and prepare everything. He's not a typical indian, not at all. I know his heart and his intentions. He will never cheat on me, hes not that type of guy. He wont cheat on someone he LOVES.And its also been more than 10 months since they had intercourse, so theres not possiblity of her being pregnant.

Unhappyone..

Put yourself in his wives shoes, for a moment. Does it feel good? Yes.. then OK go with it. If No, then ofcourse what you are doing is wrong, you are making someone elses life miserable and you and her husband are the one to blame. Don't do this to someone.

He could sleep with her and claim he was not in love with her. What kind of a creep would do that to his wife? I know these are strong words.. but guess your boyfriend deserves it.

Typical Indian?? What do you mean by that? Please elaborate. Are you hinting that indians are cheaters.

How would it feel if someone did this to you? If you can answer this, you have got a clue about what to do next.

Am a little confuse, can someone explain something for me.
I read the situation above, the woman have STD, and the man who DOES NOT love her, willing to risk the chance to sleep with her, which he might get STD or might NOT. But isn't that kind of a BIG RISK, I seriously WOULD NOT sleep with a guy if I DO NOT love him and know he have STD. Unless, I truely love the guy and I am willing to die with him despite all consequences.
So bottom line, people here say he doesn't love her but she sleep with her while he knows she got STD? Then seriously she got herself a good man, because you don't find a lot of guys like that this days, unless they like a slut, sleep with anyone.
Sorry, I hope I am making sense.

So, if someone knows you have an STD and they sleep with you anyway, that means they really "love" you?

How about that makes them careless and stupid...especially given the fact that the person has a spouse and children?

After reading everyone's comments about my relationship with my married man I decided to talk to him about some of the topics brought up. He told me that he would feel different about the std if he got it and I had not told him that I had it. Because I had found out after being intimate with him - I was crying and made him get tested cuz I was afraid he would have it.

He was upset at learning I could have it, but just because I had it and it seemed unfair that I had gotten it from my ex not knowing he had herpes. Anyway, I told him there was no way that I wanted to expose his wife. He told me that they have seperate bedrooms, that he has not had sex with her in 3 years (her choice). He said it has killed their love, but they are friends only. He travels when she is home and she travels when he is home. He has said that he was so hurt when she rejected him for 3 years that when they finally went to couseling and he found out that she was knowingly keeping him out of her circle, he killed the love he had for her. He doesn't trust her to love him.

When I explained some of the comments on this site, he just said that they don't understand how I feel. He doesn't care about the std because he is not going to give it to his kids, his wife, or any one else. He knows that he has to split the sheets - but the hard part is that he does all the cooking, running, and nuturing - mom is a high powered executive that is gone 3 to 6 days a week. This woman has never cooked a meal, rocked the babies at night, or even bothered to be there when her husband received his Phd. It really is a strange relationship - not one that either is all that happy in. However, they do respect each other. Or this is what I am told.

I have ended the physical relationship, and instead of talking to him 12 times a day - I talk to him every 2 days or so. He knows that things are strained and that I am not happy - he is willing to abide by my demands of cooling it until he can work his life out.

What if you are wrong and he is this wonderful man - that loves me as seems to be the case. What if I push him away and he goes home and is miserable, she is miserable, and I am miserable. I know I will be alone because I just can't share have an std with men I date....I would rather just be alone. Plus if I can't have him - I don't want anyone else. We just click - neither of us knew that love could be this way. It was that way 5 years ago when we first saw each other - and even the past 2 years that we have dated. The 3 years of no sex with his wife was before he met me.
For 3 years we just exchanged pleasantries as he walked by - and I knew I had a secret crush on him. I still get butterflies in my stomach when he calls - and he is the most thoughtful man on the earth.

My mom got sick and he even called the doctors and confered with them risking being found out. He says he doesn't care anymore - he won't ever be sorry for knowing me, or falling in love with me. Love like this is rare - and I am sorry if his wife can put everything before him and expect he will just wait and do all his duties hoping it will get better. He has told me that he really believed that his life would be like that forever. I also asked him why he didn't ask me out sooner - and he told me that he was trying to see if things would get better at home. He also told me that he didn't think anyone like me would look at a man like him - his self esteem was pretty beat up after all he had been through at home.

So, I may be stupid - but I want to wait for him. I will not sleep with him or call non-stop - but, I will wait forever if I have to because I will always love him. His not running to me is because of his kids and his duty there - so in some ways I understand....they mean a good deal to him. Where will they be when she is traveling. I live in another state.

You know, there doesn't seem to be much more anyone can say to you. I really feel for you. You do have one hell of a situation on your hands.

If your "what ifs" are justification enough for your actions, then by all means go for it. Hopefully, for your sake, this man doesn't wait around any longer living his "horrible" life and comes to your rescue. Hopefully, for his children(the most important beings), he'll cut their mother loose and allow her to seek the happiness and respect she deserves. I sure hope you don't mind the thought of stepchildren....you know they come with custody decrees, visitation, and child support responsibilities. Or better yet, if he wants them and gets them, you get "some kids". Hope you're ready for it.

I don't mean to sound like a heartless witch, but I am personally watching someone close to me fall for this "typical" storyline. She too is recklessly abandoning all rational thought, and simply relying on the moment's feelings. Again, there are children involved...children whose lives will be forever altered because of someone's poor judgment. Neither of you are thinking about that though. It's all about you.

So, again, I'll tell you..if you can justify it, do it. Karma's a bitch. BUT..don't be surprised if it all comes back to bite you in the ass. Good luck. You're gonna need it.

This woman has never cooked a meal, rocked the babies at night,
How do you know all this stuff about her? I hope that you are not taking his word for it. Remember he is cheating.

What if you are wrong and he is this wonderful man - that loves me as seems to be the case
It really does not matter if he really loves you or not. He is MARRIED. Why do poeple just want to shove that off? I know someone that thougth that they had met their soulmate and left their family and after 3 years , he left her for someone else. SHe said I thought that I was his soulmate" Come one. Does not really matter anyway. I am sorry about your situation but it makes no difference. Breaking up a marriage no matter what the situation is wrong,. It will come back to haunt you . I have seen peoples lives be completely destroyed over the other man or woman. Stop while you can.

It seems that you just want to ignore that he is married. YOu better hope that if you do get together with him, he takes his vows to you a little more serious. I do not mean to put a bad tast to your feeling but finding someone this wasy never works out. A marriage is a marriage no matter what the situation is. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. If it is meant to be he will leave even if you are not around. Leave him alone and your see if he really is that miserable in his marriage.

First, SORRY for the long post.
Unhappyone, your married boyfriend might be using your being a non-indian as a pretext to tell you some lies. What he says might be happening in India. But in some remote village in Rajastan. Not in an urban family, whose son is abroad!

I don't belive/like in this arranged marriage system myself - not supporting it. Just sharing what i know, with you, hoping it'll help.

No Indian family "forces" a married couple to have sex "to complete the ceremony". (There are a lot of obscure traditions - but we all know howto cirumvent them). A lot of young couples that have arranged marriages wait for sometime (after marriage) to get to know each other beter, understand each other and then have sex.

They were PUT TOGETHER.... are ya'll getting my point?[/quote]

Again your boyfriend seems to making up some lies. People are not PUT TOGETHER against their wish. Please belive me - an arranged marriage works like this - the parents of the guy bring him profiles of some "suitable" girls (and the girl would have gone through guys' profiles..). The guy chooses the girls/girl he wants to meet, meets them and decides after a few (or maybe one) meetings whether he wants to marry her. Most couples spend a lot of time on these meetings - have long talks, meet outside for coffee (depending on how traditional the families are)...
So - the arranged marriage system is like a "personals" service run by your own parents.

If your boyfriend was not the traditional type then he would not have had an arranged marriage in the first place. My uncle married a czech woman and has lived happily wth her for 28 years now.
Listen, an indian guy i know - he lives in England. he got engaged to a friend of mine. he used to send her lovey-dovey e-mails everyday. however, a dutch lady caled my friend and told her she was already enanged to that guy. my friend dumped the guy. so did the dutch lady after she realised that her boyfriend was sending my friend romantic messages - after lying to her that he was being "forced" to marry my friend.

Maybe you'd still like to give your boyfriend the benefit of doubt. Why dont you verify it instead of beliving everything that he says? Get to know his wife - discreetly. Find out what kind of family he comes from? Please do not get cheated. I wish you well.

chinmayee_s.. you remind me of a friend of mine who was cheated by an Indian guy. When they came to know each other, he was not engaged or married. They had an affair but this guy kept on telling her that he was from a very traditional family and his father will never agree for him to marry her. He would break down into tears while explaning to her how much he loved her and how his father would never allow. but he continued having relationship with her. Then one time he left for a trip to India. He came back and since his apartment was a mess he stayed at my friends place. But this time my friend got into a doubt and she opened his bags when he was off to work and she finds all his marriage papers. Apparently he got married while in india. it was all planned but he hid it from my friend. He did not disclose even after he was back and continued the same relationship. One sick guy i would say.. and I guess he also told her the same thing. It was a forced marriage (yeah right as if one can do that to you) and he would get a divorce soon. But he had all the papers for applying for his wife's green card. So he was getting his wife to the US and had no plans of divorcing her.

Unhappyone.. he can make you believe whatever he wants to. But be clear about what you want to believe in. I would suggest, don't see him until he gets his divorce. Tell him that. Distance yourself from him during that period. If the love is strong time should not be an issue.

Love my family......

At one point I was determined to do so and I voiced it out to him. Telling him to look for me when everything's done and that only time will tell the reality of the situation. I couldn't stick to that, because I miss him too much and also because he brought the word 'trust' into the conversation...questioning my trust in him.
But I realize I need to go through with it, ignore what he says for once (he has a way with words) and pursue this separation...... and that I will not wait for him, I will go on with my life and tell him that if he's still interested to look for me once he's single and ready. But I will not go on with this while he's still with her, im cheating myself.


Chinmayee...

You are right..no one is "FORCED" to marry....and what you said abt the sex, really hit me. I love him no matter what, my heart is his....but I do have to weigh the consequences of this relationship, now and in the future. I often fear for the kind of future we wouldve had if we stayed together, it wouldnt be a smooth one with our parents and relatives.

Re: I'm Having An Affair w/Married Man
I THINK LIKE THIS ONCE A CHEATER ALL WAYS A CHEATER AS SOON AS HE GET TIRED OF YOU. JLLLLLL;

stop your evil ways
i am not very happy with your choice to, fisrt go out with a married man and to have sex with him, is a sin and to do this gives the ok for your ,daughters to do the same thing.there fore breeding a bunch of sluts and cheaters thats a bit blunt,but thats what it is. so stop your sinning,and repent drop him and go on until you have come back to the lord.

Re: stop your evil ways


I don't think God appreciates you calling people sluts.

Re: stop your evil ways


Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh ....... I'm so glad that my personal relationship with Christ is "just that." It's between Him and I.

If I had to depend on man to bring me close to God ....and that man were saying things in the manner that you are.... I would probably turn my back on God.

God doesn't like alot of things. Including being judgemental.

Sluts??????? Dang.

A lot of judgement flies around here at a2k, from time to time, as people speak from their personal perspectives.

This is a widely available forum with posters from around the world of different viewpoints. The person who asks a relationship question is looking, usually, for a way to make sense of their own observations of their own life. The question posters mostly don't care if people are happy with their choices. They are looking for glimmers of help that make sense to them, that they can use.

Slutcalling is only useful for making the slutcaller feel righteous.

Righteous and very, very masculine.

Judgement is acceptable once in a while when it isn't name calling like that. He could have used better terms to describe his displeasure with her behavior.

But you are right...name callers are just looking to make themselves feel better.