I'm Having An Affair w/Married Man

First of all I didn't know that I had an std when I got involved, nor did I know he was married. I have had 3 lovers in my life - my husband, a serious boyfriend (whom I got the std from), and the man I am with now.

I found out I had the std when I had an outbreak internally that I thought I had a yeast infection. I told the man I was involved with that I could no longer have sex with him because I had this. At first he used protection but over the course of time he said that it didn't matter - his wife had ended their physical relationship 3 years earlier. In counseling he had found out that she had made that choice on her own without even considering him. He lived with it hoping it would get better - but it didn't and she didn't want anything to do with him until she became aware of me. It was too late - he had been totally ignored for 3 years and she told me this on the phone in person, and now she regrets it.

The man I am involved with does heart transplants - he is well aware of the risk and what it means to be with me. I am as careful as I can be - but fact is that our goal is to be together. This is going to be a forever deal for us - we know that. He is trying to separate from the complicated life the two of them have and it will take time. I am not going to see him or have any sexual contact with him until this is ended - we talked about it today.

I am sorry if you think I am terrible - I guess we will just have to agree to disagree. I wrote my note only to give a little insight for people who have never been in this situation. Neither me or the man I am involved with ever expected to be involved in an affair - but neither of us thought we would be in loveless marriages either. We both stuck it out for 15 years each - it wasn't as if we just ran away.

I hope your life is more perfect than mine - or me for that matter. I don't claim to be right or moral - just so happy to have found someone who loves me and I love him. That is all - we like to fish together, golf together, we both like science, we are from the same mold. Shoot us for wanting to be happy for the rest of our lives! His wife likes the ballet, we ride 4-wheelers in the mountains, she likes to go to the mall, we ski together....sorry if I don't think that what I am doing is the worst thing in the world. Oh - his wife had an affair on her first husband for 7 years because he wasn't affluent enough to give her what she wanted. This is his first marriage - she married him because he had potential - and told him that in counseling. He is protecting his kids - not her.

So - we are all adults - and we will pay in the end I am sure! I hope my payment is being with the man who loves me in spite of my std - and treats me like gold. I know if I am lucky enough to have him in my life I will tell him how much I adore him every day!!! He can give his money to her for the kids - we can live in the country in a trailer with tires on the roof for all I care - just as long as I hear his voice and listen to him laugh for the rest of my days!

You know lady, I really feel for you. What's happened to you is beyond words, but it's still no excuse to continue what you're doing.

Your STD is very unfortunate, and I do mean that. I'm sorry that you were dealt these cards by someone you loved. BUT, to think that it's okay to willingly expose this to someone else is STUPID. I could give a **** less what he chooses to do. That's one sorry ass excuse. If you love this man, you'd protect him. And if he chooses to be careless with body and health, that should tell you something about him....

Personally, I still don't understand why you're "waiting" on this guy. You say it's been 2 years already...3 before that?...and he's still with his wife? That should tell you something. You're willing to live in a "trailer with tires on the roof", but obviously he's not feeling the same. Ever think if his love for you was so true, he might be with you already? What exactly is he waiting for? Not what he tells you....Think about this. What proves to you that this man loves you more than his current lifestyle right now? Because he says so....Are his actions equal to his words? Seems they aren't.

Bottom line: you're fooling yourself and cheating yourself out of someone UNATTACHED. You're wasting your time on man who has every damn thing he feels he needs...he has a wife, nice job, and another woman in the background. Could life get any better for him? I'm sure you've heard of this before. They are always married and unhappy. They are always worried about the financial aspect of it all. They're always going to leave when the time is right. The wife doesn't understand, the girlfriend does....yadda, yadda, yadda.

Sorry but I don't get it. I have been there before. Where is that person? Who in the hell knows. This is a crock of ****. It happens day in and day out. Hasn't anyone picked up on this?

welcome home baby
my advice to you is to go for it allow yourself a chance with him and see if it works out.remember you can always scrape yourself off the floor if it doesn't work out,and try again but if you are afraid to get hurt then die ,cause thats the only way out,call him up and tell him to move in get a bottle of champaign and celebrate your life a new with a man you are in love with after all you have slept with him a lot of times its not new for you is it so wash them sheets and get a color tv in the bedroom and say with open arms welcome home baby.

welcome home baby
my advice to you is to go for it allow yourself a chance with him and see if it works out.remember you can always scrape yourself off the floor if it doesn't work out,and try again but if you are afraid to get hurt then die ,cause thats the only way out,call him up and tell him to move in get a bottle of champaign and celebrate your life a new with a man you are in love with after all you have slept with him a lot of times its not new for you is it so wash them sheets and get a color tv in the bedroom and say with open arms welcome home baby.

I certainly agree with that.



Treats you like gold? Does that mean he puts you in a jewelry box every night while he goes home to his wife?

Sorry, unsinkableme, I honestly think if he "loved" you, he would have left his wife 2 years ago, or 5 years ago, regardless of finances.

Despite your claims to intelligence, you are deceiving yourself and others. You won't have a clear conscience until you remove yourself from this situation. If you are intelligent, you already know that... and so does he.

Personally, I think life is too short to live it as a series of lies, as you're doing.

Your morality doesn't concern me. Your happiness does. I think happiness will elude you until you are free from this situation.

...sorry luv but dump him....if he can cheat with you
he will cheat on you, I dont know the full circumstances, but
if he is actualy leaving his wife, he is just using you as an excuse
for himself to get out of his relationship...

there are plenty of genuine guys out there....and you dont need that
baggage. :wink:

Dear Unsinkable,

I don't know if you read my earlier posts. I also love a married man - profoundly love him... cannot stop thinking about him. I even slept with him once. However, while I do not regret having loved him (I do wish I could stop for now) or sleeping wtih him, I will posess none of him until I can have all of him without stealing him or stealing pieces of him.

Please understand, I am not being judgemental at all - I could not be, even if I wanted to be. I simply want to point out the fundamental fallacy in your relationship - while he is not loosing anything in this situation (but gains a romantic interest, a lover, etc.), you gain nothing (I know you feel great when he is around - but that is more your own doing than his, please trust me on this one, that's what I based my now-defunct first marriage on) and risk losing your future. Since the age of 5 (when my parents divorced) I have near-obsessively studied man-woman relationships (for more than a quarter century now). I have learned that a relationship must be an equation (and even then it is not guaranteed that it will work) - the two sides have to be balanced, the give-take, win-lose, rise-fall elements must be balanced. Your equation is not an equation at all, but rather an inequality...

He does not love you... for that matter, it does not sound like he even loves himself (no amount of money could buy MY peace of mind - no matter how enmeshed you become in a suburban lifestyle, private schools, and nice "things", for a person who loves him/herself - one's own happiness always reigns supreme). A person who loves himself, especially a surgeon who has seen death claim human life with such swift ease (I am a surgical resident, so I know what I am talking about here), realizes that life is too short and too precious to be wasted in a loveless defunct marriage while longing "to be with the one" you love. We cannot command the heart, but we can command almost everything else - bank accounts, divorce papers, country club memberships, ski resort condo titles, etc. Unless... of course... this is the life he wants... all the nice trappings, the wife who makes great money, the family, the status, the prestige, and a hottie 10-years younger than him to sleep with on the side, who adores him and makes him feel like a combination of Zeus, Adonis, Apollo, etc....

You are an intelligent woman... think about it... and as I said... I know you cannot command your heart... it goes where it pleases and does what it pleases (that's why I came on this site, looking for some advice on how to control mine a little better, how to stop thinking about my married guy), but you can control everything else - your body, your time, your actions...

Wishing you strength and wisdom to pull yourself out of a stagnant mire (even though you think there are roses growing around you... do not be fooled... it is an illusion)...

You will get no sympathy from me. You reap what you sow and you deserve what you get.

Edit to above post: I don't mean you deserved the STD.

You're a cruel one, Bella.

GUS!! You're back!

And ya know, the truth hurts, doesn't it?

The truth that I'm back?

Yes, I suppose that would hurt.

No, that pain is wonderful...hurt me again ! :wink:

You temptress

Well, that was quite a bunch of responses. I have had all of them myself, and so I see much insight in all. Wish I could be as strong in person with him as I coach myself to be on the days he is not around...maybe I will have to print these comments off and just let him read them, that might be interesting!

Your right about the std, I should never want to give it to anyone. Why would he take a chance on getting it if he doesn't really want to be with me. Sometimes I feel that he wants to get it so that his mind is made up for him - then he would just have to deal with it.

Well, that was quite a bunch of responses. I have had all of them myself, and so I see much insight in all. Wish I could be as strong in person with him as I coach myself to be on the days he is not around...maybe I will have to print these comments off and just let him read them, that might be interesting!

Your right about the std, I should never want to give it to anyone. Why would he take a chance on getting it if he doesn't really want to be with me. Sometimes I feel that he wants to get it so that his mind is made up for him - then he would just have to deal with it.

Get out of thier lives. If not because it is the right things to do, then do it for your children. What if the wife being hurt was you own daughter? No matter what the situation is at his home,( if he is telling you the truth ) an affair does not fix anything. Why would you tear a family apart? What kind of a relationship do you really think you can have with a man that would leave his wife and children and his responsibilties? If you think that he loves you, Get real on that front too. He goes home to his wife all the time. Men and women that have affiars are completely self serving. Do you really think that he is goig to decide to put someone else before himself? 20 years marriage is falling apart because of a woman going after husband. Takes two to tango. Don't be one of those two. PRINCIPLES, VALUES, MORALS. Our children do what they see.

Struggle
Okay, heres my story. I'll call him T. T is asian indian, we were friends for a while and we both were attracted to each other, but we never thought much of it. One day he calls me to say he is leaving to India on a vacation trip, i didnt care at that point, I just said 'bye,have a great trip'. Well 1 month later,he sends all his friends a wedding invitation. He was getting married!!! An arranged married. I was happy for him. But after he came back, we started getting closer to each other, and after 2 months we were in love. The wife was still in India, he was with her for only 1 month. Well, our relationship started flourishing, we became best friends, we couldnt get enough of each other. He started telling me he had made a mistake marrying that woman, that he didnt see any other option, thats what his parents wanted for him. But that in due time he would divorce her and marry me because I was what has always been looking for. From that day on, we planned our life together and planned on how to handle the day of his wife's arrival to the US. I thought I could handle it, but it crushed me. Eventhough I knew he had no feelings for her and his heart was mine. I couldnt bare seeing him next to her. That didnt stop us. Its been 10 mos now, and for the past 2 or 3 weeks I've been trying to push him away( against my will and heart) and asked him to give it a shot with her. He replies that he knows whos in his heart and who he wants to spend the rest of his life with and that he CANT give it a shot.
Making a long story short....I love him to death, and he feels the same way towards me. He only had sex with her twice (couple of days after the wedding) and that was before meeting me and hasnt touched her ever since. There's no relationship in his marriage. He tells me that in abt 1 yr or 2, he will be free and 100% mine. I believe him. But what is hard to cope with is that at the end of the night,I'm all by myself. He's restricted. Many times I tried to end it, but he convinces me to stay and have a better future with him. Sometimes I feel that our relationship is not wrong, because his marriage is arranged (no love), they are not physical and they only have been married for less than 1 yr.

All i need right now is some feedback from you guys. What do u think of this relationship.

unhappyone--

Welcome to A2K.

A lot of your story doesn't hang together. Why does he have to remain married for another year or two? Could it be because his wife's family is paying for his tuition?

You wonder:

unhappyone--
Sorry to hear that you got yourself in this mess. Do not believe anything he says. If he is lying to his wife, then he is capable of lying to you . He cheated with you , he will cheat on you. Don't get meesed up with his game. Yes there are people that regret marring who they married but that does not give them the right to cheat. He will tell you want ever he needs to. They made vows and and things are not always pleasant. If you do the right thing, you will find peace. Don't be part of the problem.