husband looking at porn

This bothers me. Why would you say that? Have you told him you think he doesn't find you attractive, even if he says it? Actions speak louder than words...



Tell him. Flat out. Here are the boundaries. You cross them, you accept the consequences.

Porn
You might tell me just to believe him. but it is harder then that. Spoke tonight with him and he said yes he looked at porn, and it is normal in a lot or relationships. I said that it isn't if living together, and he just went quiet.

Re: Porn


At least he isn't lying to you.

And yes, it is normal in many committed, married, living together relationships. The question is not about normalcy. It's about what is right for your relationship.

And if you can't be honest with your partner and tell him when something is bothering you or something isn't right, you shouldn't be together. A solid relationship is one where both persons are allowed and able to express their opinions and feelings without being afraid.

Partner and porn
Bella when did you become so wise. Everything you say makes sense in my mind. Just trying to tell myself not to worry is the hard part THanks for the advise by the way. I do love him, maybe it is just me that needs to trust him and what he says

Re: Partner and porn


You are welcome. Just trying. I know it is easier for me to say than for you to do. But good luck and remember that what you want does matter and even though you need to compromise with your man, he also needs to compromise with you. Both of your wants and needs are importnat, neither more so than the other. :wink:

Re: Partner and porn



And we will all be watching this fall for "The Dr. Bella Show". There hasn't been talk a talk show war like this since the Jay Leno/David Letterman feud...

testosterone
I believe that husband and wife must realise that both sexes are not perfect. It's not easy, but a man has to accept his wife, like she is, and the wife has to accept the man like he is... we all have bad things, but we all have nature things...
Look at a chicken farm... how many female chicken are served by one male chicken....

this leave things open for discussion, but you also have to known, that a man has testosterone inside his body, what make him horny and feel like the male chicken...

so porn is not a great deal inside a relationship, you always can look together at this sites, and try to do it yourself what they do...

Be happy with the man/woman you have, and don't try to destroy life from your partner, but try to be happy for him/her in what he/she do.

look at the positive side, instead of being negative all the time

then your sexuality will be more pleasant, and better and better

Re: testosterone


The difference is a man can control is "pecking" where as a rooster cannot.

looking at internet porn
I just caught my husband doing this too, and I feel also that it is completely wrong.
My reasons are that it was established that we BOTH felt this was not something we wanted in our relationship.
He would be very hurt to find me doing the same.
Our sex life is active but since having our last son I feel less attractive and have not wanted to be naked in the blaring light. He blames this, my not letting him see me naked.
I feel miserable, and betrayed, I feel not good enough.

Re: testosterone


Alrighty! It all makes perfect sense now : )

Growth needed
Let me preface this post by saying that I have only read your original post (shmookiedoo) and that others may have touched on my points already, so please don't flame me for repeating something that may have already been said. Ok let's get started. This is a serious issue......

After only a cursory glance at your post it appears as though YOU are the one with the problem not your husband. Upon closer inspection, it is evident that you appear (and I say this in the least disrespectful way possible) immature and naive ( at least in regards to the subject of sex/relationships). This should sound off a few alarms as I am only 19, and find your thought process in relation to this subject very juvenile. Ok enough with the ad hominems....

First: Masturbation is healthy. Looking at porn whether you are single or in a relationship is normal. When men masturbate they think of women as sexual objects that serve as the means to bring them to an end(orgrasm). So when your husband is masturbating to Jenna Jameson, he is attracted to her sexual features. He is not attracted to Jenna Jameson as a person. Be grateful that your husband is releasing pent up sexual energy by masturbating to airbrushed women on the internet and not bending his secretary over the coffee table at work (We'll just accept that as fact, we can get into the details of it if you'd like later)

Two fundamental problems here: trust and hypocrisy. First, a healthy relationship is predicated on trust. A man and women should not be married if they can't trust one another. You need to trust that your husband can separate his sexual urges/lusting from his true love for you. If you TRUST that he does love you (i.e. doesn't just like you for the sex), you should have no qualms about him fantasizing about nailing Jenna Jameson online. The attraction to Jenna is purely sexual, his attraction to you is based in a myriad of things such as sex, your personality, your intelligence etc. You need to re-evaluate if you truly trust your husband. If you determine that you don't trust him, you need to reflect on yourself and determine if that is a justifiable opinion to hold or if you are merely being irrational/immature. If it is a justifiable opinion, you need to discuss it with your husband so you can develop that trust.

Secondly, hypocrisy:
"Is it so much to ask that a wife's body is all that a husband needs?"

YES! yes it is. What a horribly repressive and puritanical thought. Are you telling me that you have never fantasized about Brad Pitt or some other movie hunk on TV? You aren't aroused when you see photos of The Rock walking around shirtless? Please do not act as though your husband is your holy grail and that your mind has never wandered. He is merely doing the same thing. The only time those fantasies are wrong is when they lead an individual to have an affair.

In addition, this "I am your husband/wife so you have to be attracted to me" notion that men/women are currently throwing around is absurd. Just because you have the title of being that individuals significant other does not mean they ALWAYS have to be attracted to you. You are not "entitled" to their seuxal attraction because they said "I do". YOU hold responsibility of keeping yourself attractive. I'm not saying you haven't done this, but you can't expect your husband to be attracted to you if you do not stay in good shape/dress sexy (the same goes for him of course). So my point is that you should make an effort to go to the gym or run and to buy nice clothes/sexy lingerie that will arouse him.
The aforementioned "sexifying" of yourself behavior should curtail some porn use but not all. You both need to work very hard to keep your sex life interesting. Don't just expect your sex life to be good be cause you hold the title of "married".

The only way I can foresee his porn use being an issue is if he begins turning down sex with you to masturbate to women on the internet. That type of behavior is destructive and should not be tolerated.
But if, as you've implied, he is merely masturbating as a supplement to your current sex life then you either need to:
A) do something to spice it up your sexlife (be more attractive or creative)so he is more interested in railing you than fapping online
OR
B) stop being so immature, trust your husband and realize it's perfectly normal for a grown man to look at porn.


Hope that helps. Sorry I didn't sugarcoat it. Oh and leave any quips about my age at the door. I've been in a serious relationship for over 2 years, I may not know everything but I have enough requisite knowledge on how to cultivate a relationship to disseminate advice.

Re: Growth needed

I was with you until you said this. While I think that she is overreacting about this, you can't simply ask her to turn her feelings off. And why should she change if he is unwilling to? From what I gather, he isn't willing to compromise, so why should she? The ideal situation here is for her to accept it SOMETIMES and him to be upfront about it and reduce his porn viewing. This isn't about being more attracted to the women on line. It's about fantasy and even if she got all dressed up like those women, he'd still want to view porn. Why? Because he wants a fantasy, not real life when he's masturbating. He wants his WIFE in real life. And fantasy in masturbation.




Just because you're in a relationship doesn't automatically make you an expert. And had you not made the childish rebuttal regarding your age here, I doubt anyone would have made a comment about your age.

"just because you're in a relationship doesn't automatically make you an expert. And had you not made the childish rebuttal regarding your age here, I doubt anyone would have made a comment about your age"

Ok. Duely noted! I just wanted to shoot down any such retorts in advance, as I find people use that as a subject of debate when I give advice and they have nothing of substance to respond with.


"I was with you until you said this. While I think that she is overreacting about this, you can't simply ask her to turn her feelings off. And why should she change if he is unwilling to? From what I gather, he isn't willing to compromise, so why should she? The ideal situation here is for her to accept it SOMETIMES and him to be upfront about it and reduce his porn viewing. This isn't about being more attracted to the women on line. It's about fantasy and even if she got all dressed up like those women, he'd still want to view porn. Why? Because he wants a fantasy, not real life when he's masturbating. He wants his WIFE in real life. And fantasy in masturbation."

I guess I'm not sure what you're getting at. If you acknowledge that all he wants is a fantasy in masturbation and he has no real attraction to the women online, how is this even an issue? Let the man masturbate all he wants.

I was suggesting the Lady who posted this thread change her feelings as it is wrong/SELFISH to try and curb her husband's sexual drive because she is insecure. Her husband is not wronging her, she is making unfair demands.

That said, it would be rude/callous for the husband not to acknowledge her hurt feelings, as misguided as they may be. He should try to talk about the issue with his wife in a mature manner, illustrate why he does it, and how it could potentially be curtailed. But debating when and how to get him to do that is a whole nother issue, I have not the time to engage in right now.
All I can say is good luck to the thread's originator and understand Rosie Palms is an important part of every man's life.

I never said he wasn't attracted at all. He would be unhuman to not be attracted to a pretty face. I just said just beause he is atttacted to the online girl doesn't mean he is MORE attracted to her than his wife. And, not to mention, he is probably attracted to her in a much different way. Which, to me, is silly because if you can't get all dirty with your spouse....it's just sad.

The A2Kers will comment on age only when you act it. If you carry on like a 12 year old, then you'll be treated as such. We have one particular member who is only 16 and had they not come out and said it, none of us would have known. Or cared. They offer valuable information and insight on a daily basis.

So don't worry about being put down because you are young. :wink:

Noting that I've not read every single post in this thread...

IF your mate is looking at porn.....and IF it's the porn that's attracting him....not so much the women...how about this:

maybe you and he can take porn type pics together....then he'll still be looking at porn...but it'll be you he's looking at.

My husband looks at porn, I know it, he's shown it to me...I don't personally have anything against it b/c he never leaves me wanting & he's got some personal stuff to look at (see above tip) also. He is very wowed by what the chicks in porn are doing and it suits him just fine to look at it in amazament *which is the tone in his voice when he says "hey onyx, come look at this". But he's not secretive about it...and maybe that's the point?

pornagain
After 20 years of a happy, sex filled, no fighting marriage, I caught my husband with a young law school student. He only got to the point of kissing her, but I was there to see it because I KNEW something was wrong, and waited in a dark parking lot to catch him... So, two months have gone by and we were on our way to repairing the trust and relationship. So, I get on his computer yesterday, and to what do my eyes appear, young sexy twats in my face my dear. NOt just one, mind you. A TON of porn. I've been around for a while and know what he's doing most of the time. However, this did it for me. His character as a man was already in question with the bad decision to make a relationship with someone else. I think we BOTH have to decide now, is this a choice WE make to stay as it is. mY husband claims he won't do it anymore, however, I believe him as far as I can throw him. Mind you, I'm giving up possibly 23 years, HAPPY years of our life. Because he has changed in the past year. He's a new man. I think I'm uncomfortable with this nmew man. NO need to rush. If my husband spoke to me the way yours did, I would be in to the divorce attorneys office Tuesday morning. You have a big elephant to eat, and I don't envy you. I wish you well Laura

...an answer to the initial Q.

it is normal for a male to look at porn....healthy in fact!
keep him from it and make a big song and dance over nothing....
and he will stray ,even if it is brief......simple as that....you think he wont....love' think again.

Kiwi
That's exactly why I'm still single at 41. There's enough filth in the world without bringing it into my life ;-)