husband looking at porn

Personally I don't think it's a big deal at all for my guy to look at and enjoy porn as long as it doesn't cut me out of his affections. I personally like to watch porn and some of it turns me on so it is more likely I will ask him to "act-out" some of the scenes or scenarios we've watched together (or separately).

I will admit to feeling jealous when he remarks on a womans beautiful body/face but I realize that he is only commenting and fantasizing and when he is with me he is really WITH me. I know that I can look at a naked guy with a fantastic body and get all hot and bothered but it is my guy I want to be intimate with.

I think your husbands porn interest is normal. I know it upsets you and it is not everyone who can understand and accept a partner who likes this but I don't think he loves you any less and he is not physical touching or making love to anyone elses body but you, his wife. Masterbating to fantasies is fine, it does not mean he would cheat on you.

This is my opinon...for what it's worth:

I really think you are being harsh on your partner. It's human nature to be compelled to view the forbidden. Porn is one of the most 'googled' words ever! I mean millions - and I'm sure you would concede that in those millions there will be a fair few men who are in a loving and committed relationship. Porn is tittilation...nothing more. Masturbation is human instinct, to use phrases such as 'spanking the monkey' to describe what is a very pleasurable experience for both men and woman, strikes me as prudish. Everyone deserves and should expect a modicum of privacy, even if you are sharing a life. What you did was 'snoop'...and now you are upset by what you found. just because your partner masturbates does not mean that he does not love and respect you. Most men and most woman masturbate...don't you?

Personally, I couldn't care less whether my man views porn or not, in fact I would think it stranger if he didn't. As for masturbation...I once came home unexpectedly at lunchtime (he works nearby and has the luxury of lunch at home) and walked in on my partner masturbating...notice I didn't use the word 'caught'...we were both embarrassed - because it was his private time. We laughed about it later...he said he was 'bored' and just passing time. That's all it is...don't worry!

Like any post on A2K, this is a personal opinion. I'm sure you'll have many replies to the contrary.

hope you find peace

sarah.

Not to be rude when I say this.. but would you rather him look at porn or have an affair... men have pent up sexual frustration... I think they need it more than us woman sometimes... but it is natural and normal... I have caught my boyfriend in the act... no biggy!

Thank you Heeven for your thoughts and advice. To be honest, I would love to have that attitude that if it's just an occassional thing then porn is really no big deal. It certainly would make things much easier and I would not feel so completely hurt. I can't change the way I feel though, I've tried.
It really bothers me that he would keep up his porn interest KNOWING how much it hurts me, then turn it around and lay the blame on me when he's caught. "you're the least sexual person I've ever met" were his exact words. My casanova's idea of foreplay is "wanna have sex?". He's been so detached emotionally, and in the process I've been slowly shutting down. Insults just make me feel worse, and gives those freely. Imagine if he put all his porn energy into our marriage instead. I guess those pictures are just more important to him.
In my perfect world, my husband would laugh at the thought of wanting or needing to look at other naked women for arousal. It's not that I have low self esteem. Ok, scratch that, I never HAD low self esteem. Now I feel sub-human. Marriage isn't supposed to feel this way.

feelings
If you browse through the threads on this subject, you will find a wide array of views. Some people believe that viewing pornography is perfectly acceptable and healthy and that you're being unreasonable . . . and there are others who will express the opposite belief . . . and there are a whole lot of people that take a position in between those two extremes.

Your feelings, however, are your feelings. The fact that other women are not upset when their men view pornography really doesn't help you to deal with this issue.

Your husband is aware of your feelings, yet he places his desire to view pornography above your feelings. He tries to hide his internet activities from you, but you've discovered his activities and you feel betrayed and disgusted.

On the other hand, your husband thinks you're unreasonable. He enjoys internet pornography and feels that you are trying to control him when you request that he give it up.

Check out the following website:

What to Do When Your Spouse Has an Addiction to Pornography

The website might help. Best wishes.

You are damn right! Marriage is not suppose to feel that way! You should be able to trust your partner and he has proven to you now, that he is capable of lying or at the very least, hiding the truth. Now please don't flip out and think "oh my god, my husband is a liar!" because he is probably hiding this only because he knows it upsets you.

What I suggest is this: Make is less forbidden. Sit him down and explain to him that it is not the porn that upsets you so much as it is the hiding and sneaking around. I assume that this is the real problem here, as you stated you watched porn in the past. Then just tell him, honestly, that it bothers you. Whether or not it is "natural" or normal is not really the point here. He agreed not to do it, and he is doing it. That is the point, in my opinion.

I myself have a hard time believing that porn is ok to use all the time. I also don't believe in relationships where the one partner feels he/she has to sneak around because the other will get upset.

You've been married long enough to know that marriage is give and take. Maybe you can tell him that you don't mind his masturbation but you'd really be more comfortable if he didn't look at computer porn. Ask him to fantasize while maturbating rather than jerk it off at the computer. I know that this is easier said than done but it's worth a shot.

You are both miserable in this area. You because you feel betrayed and he because he feels like a shmuck for going behind your back. That's why he tried to blame you. He feels guilty. And this is probably part of the fuel he is using to justify his porn. It is exciting! He might get caught! The best way to combat this is to just be honest. Personally, I think masturbation is completly normal and acceptable in a marriage. But it can be done without porn. Whether or not your husband is willing to give that up is up to him. And don't think that he is replacing your with those pictures. Men are bizarre creatures. He probably doesn't even give it another though. It is what it is. We as women tend to over analyze things until we can't analyze them anymore and then we start over again! Like I said before, I don't think you are as hurt and upset by the porn as you are about they hiding and that is what you need to tell him.

Good luck and try not to be too hard on him.
After all, he IS just a man. :wink:

I thank you all for your replies, I appreciate all angles.
"spank the money" is a term of endearment we both use (lol). Next time I'll use the word masterbate to sound less prudish.
We have alot of friends where the wives are quite happy to go buy their man porn. That's great for them. My sister's husband is a proud porn hound, and she's fine with it. For whatever reason, I am not fine with it. He's going outside our marriage for sex and that's not ok with me.
Would I rather have him cheating with another woman or looking at internet porn? I would rather have neither. I am available 24/7 and am adventerous in the bedroom.
If I'm coming across as harsh it's because I am hurt and angry. I truly love this man with all of my heart and soul. Marital sex is such a special intimicy between 2 soulmates. That specialness seems tarnished to me now.

But also remember, you are just as important in this relationship as he is. His needs should not always come before yours. Remember that you are equal and remind him that you are willing to compromise and work this out and you'd really love it if he could too.

I'd be a lot more concerned if you found him looking at pictures of Jerry Falwell and Pat Buchanan.

>>shudder<<

Bella Dea, and Debra-law, what insightful and thoughtful souls you are. I am feeling better after reading your posts. It is so true that men and women can differ so much on this topic. My husband and I are a billion miles apart on this one. Unfortunately its not something we can agree to disagree on because it directly effects our relationship. After our initial show-down, he had me thinking there was something wrong with ME. I'm uptight, I need to lighten up, etc etc. But after searching the net for advice I've had my feelings validated. I am not alone. Even Dr. Phil agrees with me on this one. He says porn is a "deal breaker". It is NOT ok, it's not something all guys do. He calls it ridiculous.
That's great, but the fact is Dr. Phil feels that way, but my husband does not. I should've married Dr. Phil lol It hurts that we're even debating whether or not its ok for him to seek out other naked females. That to me, is an insult to me. He has also admitted that he would be hurt if I was checking out naked men on the internet. Yet, he does not show one ounce of empathy for the way I'm feeling.
He grew up with a father who regularly frequented strip clubs and was not questioned by his mother. His mom was dealing with her own problems of depression and his dad had enough control over her to tell her she was being silly, pat her on the head and send her off with a cigerette and a cup of coffee. They've just recently divorced after she came out of her fog and discovered his affair with his secretary. His dad has never been accountable to anyone. I'm not saying he is his like his father, but this is how he grew up, I see alot of similar trails, and that unaccountabity is one of them. That worries me.

You need to express your concern of accountibility to your husband. He might get upset at first but you need to let him know you are not accusing him of anything. You are just concerned and want to make sure he is aware that he will be accountable to your marriage. Not necessarily you. You aren't his mother. But he took vows and he is accountable for those vows.

Thxs bella. Easier said than done, he gets VERY angry if I rock the boat. When I talk to him about problems I am having that do not involve him (disagreement with my mother for instance), he is very helpful, loving and thoughtful. When I talk to him about problems involving him, I'm talking even small "you left the toilet seat up" kinda problems he gets very agitated and defensive and he'll bring up everything I did wrong in 13 yrs of marriage. Basically if I smile and pretend everything is hunky dory, things are good. Every marriage is going to have conflict. When I'm about to bring up something, I mentally weigh whether it's worth opening a can of whoop-ass. This porn thing opened that can of whoop-ass. It's like walking on egg shells most of the time.
I'm not a meek little woman by any stretch, but we have small children who do not need to be subjected to their parents fighting. Most of the time I just keep it in to keep the peace. That's why I'm on this message board. I need to vent.

Kids know when mom and dad are not happy, even if mom and dad don't verbalize it. The best solution for your children is to just tell your husband flat out that you are going to discuss this and if he flips out, end the discussion and walk away. Tell him you will continue to do this until he is ready to talk to you like an adult.

Sacrificing intimacy in favor of instant gratification.




Your husband is sacrificing marital intimacy in favor of instant gratification.

Most relationships cannot survive without sexual intimacy and fullfillment. It takes effort on both spouses to keep intimacy alive and well. Obviously, it is no effort at all to simply view naked pictures and masturbate. It is instant gratification without effort . . . and without intimacy. It's easy.

It's not so easy when a husband approaches his wife and says, "how about sex." Sexual gratification with a real person isn't so easily attainable without putting effort into the approach. Why put forth the effort to engage in foreplay to arouse one's wife, when instant gratification is available on the internet? YOU require a little more effort to get from point A to point B . . . .

By turning to pornography to satisfy his needs for instant gratification, he is sacrificing sexual intimacy within his marriage. And then, he places the blame on YOU because you are not a source of instant gratification.

I can understand why you are not receptive to his requests for instant gratification . . . it lacks intimacy . . . why can't he understand that?

Since all this happened, I decided that I was going to put alot of effort into my marriage. I haven't brought the porn topic up at all, and I have gone out and bought new lingerie. I've joined the gym have been working out 4 days a week. I've done some pretty funky stuff in the bedroom and I'm sure he's on cloud nine. After the initial confrontation, he dismantled his computer (now he can't get it back together), so I know he's not looking at porn.
I'm not on cloud nine. I'm still hurting inside. I think it's because even if he never looks at porn again, it's because I don't want him to, not because he doesn't want to. I'll never hear him say "your body is all I ever want or need to look at". That hurts bad. Call me silly, call me crazy, call me unrealistic, but thats what I want. I want him to think like I do, that sneaking around to get aroused by porn is something a husband should not be doing.

Since so many people are saying it's not a big deal i'm going to offer a bit of support:

Cheating is whatever you want to make it

Some people have open relationships or swing, and would only be hurt by their partner sleeping around if it was a psychological thing too or they didn't know about it

Others would regard sex as cheating but not fore play

Many would view any kind of sexual contact as cheating

Some (including myself) find even the idea of their partner kissing somebody else incredibly hurtful and regard that as cheating

And some people even find the idea of their partner looking at porn horrifically painful

Even if my boyfriend was used to the idea that kissing was okay, i would expect him not to because i would even find that utterly heart-wrenching. While it's not cheating, if it hurts you that much then you are being fair in asking him not to do that. I doubt there are many people on this site who would suddenly revise their views of cheating just because having got together with somebody they found out this person was a swinger and wanted to experiment

While i think it may be very hard to get him to agree, you shouldn't feel bad about asking him to give up porn. You made your stance clear from the start

xxx Boo xxx

Husband looking at porn, strip clubs, etc.
I just recently found out my husband has also been viewing porn online, mostly strip club websites but some others as well. Not hard core stuff, but you know it's still naked women and I don't like it one little bit. He has frequented strip clubs 4 or 5 times a year our entire 12 year marriage without my knowledge and it only was admitted to me very recently. I'm hurt and confused and I find myself checking his computer almost daily (he has a laptop for work) to see what he's been looking at. I hate it but don't know how to stop and start trusting him again. I've known about this stuff for about a year, although the internet stuff only about 6 months. I have always hated strip clubs and magazines, etc. and he knows that and stopped going to the clubs while we were dating and I thought he wasn't going at all. Boy was I wrong. He only just two weeks ago gave me all the details as to frequency and which clubs and how he managed to go that many times without my knowledge, plus he had hidden magazines and watched porn on late-night TV without my knowledge as well. How do I trust him again? He's been lying our entire marriage.

Little help please
I'm a newbie here but stumbeled on this site while trying to figure out with me and my boyfriend. Ok, we have been together for about 9 months now, living together for the past six. I accidentally found porn one day on the comp ( i was checking the history for a site i had been on the previous day) and found that he was on the comp for like 3 hours that morning (he works in the afternoon). I found out that he had been on this quite often and must had forgetten to clean up the history after himself. Many fights occured with this, we have a very active sex life, like everynite so I didn't understand why he still needed this in the mornings. This has been going on and off for a few months, I was coming to terms, but I realized that he had been on it the other morning, but he cleaned the history all out, but I looked in a different area....the biggest kicker is that he lied to me when I called and asked what he was doing at 11, he said he had gone back to bed....in reality, he got on the comp like ten minutes after me and my son left the house...and spent till 11 on it... I am very confused on the whole porn issue, and it is the fact that he can be on it like every morning for like three hours...that is not just occasional use..any help or advice?? Thx...