husband looking at porn

hi calibabe! sorry i don't really have any advice, never been in that situation (luckily my bf knows how much I'd hate it if he looked at porn, plus he's not interested anyway). I was just going to say if you want more people to see your question and respond, you should start your own thread...and make sure to give it a title other than "please help" or "please be honest" there are already several called things like that

Oh my gosh, I haven't looked at this thread for about 1 week but its dead clear that ALOT of ppl has the same problem ... its scaring me out of finding a guy.

Husband & Porn
Hi all. I've been trying to check things out on-line myself as to whether or not I'm crazy with regards to the whole porn issue. My boyfriend & I have been together for over 15 years. I made it clear to him that I did not approve of the entire 'Playboy' scene & did not want things like that in my house. I was sexually abused as a child with porn being forced upon me & being told that I had to be like all these women I saw. There's more to it, but I won't get into it. I never told my boyfriend that was why I was so against pictures of naked women, videos, the whole nine yards. Not to mention that when we met, I had enough stretchmarks to resemble the road map for the US (my daughter was a big baby), I'm small chested and that my self esteem was and still is non-existent. Things were OK up until a few years ago when he started getting emails at work & home with the trash. I knew that he was getting these messages & tried to ignore it and pretend that it didn't bother me. After he started receiving these messages, he would not even touch me and looked at me like I was a disgusting thing. And then yesterday, I just lost all control & became enraged & furious with him about it. I could not understand how he could not see that getting the pictures & messages that he was were any different than buying and/or looking at the magazines. I finally had to tell him about my past and why it bothered me so much. He was still upset with me saying that his messages were none of my business & that if I didn't like it that I shouldn't be looking. This made it all the more worse than it already was. After a lot of crying and yelling, he said that he would delete all the messages that he had pertaining to the subject and that he would not do it any more; that I meant more to him than look at these women. I do love him more than he'll ever know, but I'm afraid that it's just going to continue and that he'll just try to be more careful about it. Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do?

Re: Husband & Porn


First of all let me say you are a strong woman to have brought yourself this far.
Second, I think it was horrid of your bf to act that way after you explained your situation. Horrid for him to start treating you differently after getting this porn.

I am probably going to get beaten up for this but.... Your situation is different from many of the others. You have an actual reason to why it bothers you. You have very strong and unpleasant feelings attached to those pictures.

I honestly believe that he probably won't stop completely. But then again, what do I know? I don't know him and how he acts. He might continue to use lightly and quietly. I don't think that you will be able to live with not knowing if he is using it or not. He needs to understand that you associate all sorts of bad feelings with porn. You probably subconsciously don't want him to become like the people who abused you. You deserve better than this.

I do think that you should have been upfront with him from the beginning about your past. It is a very important (if not horrific) part of who you are and how you got to be you. He probably felt like he was being attacked when you came out with your past instead of feeling like you were opening up to him. Try sitting down with him again and calmly explain to him the reasons for your not telling him and the reasons why you just can't live with a man who continues to enjoy porn. He CAN stop. He will not die if he doesn't get his porn. Just be honest and upfront. And if you can't trust him still, I would leave. You might love him but a life without trust is no life at all. You will spend countless hours being suspicious and you don't want to bring up your daughter in a home with tension like that.

Good luck and keep us posted.

What Bella said.

If I may just add one thing... a good way to make this more of an issue and and destroy any trust that is left, is to spy on him. Try talking with him and help him understand why this is such a big deal to you. Notice, though, that I said talking with him... not talking at him. Good luck and Welcome to A2K.

Oo, good point Jpin...with him, not at him. I think that's a problem a lot of people have (not just with porn) in relationships in general.

Yes, talking WITH him is most important. I was able to bring up the subject with my husband and have a positive discussion because I did not criticize or scold. I said things like "I would like to try to understand what this is about," "to simply let you know how I feel about the situation," "you must make your own decision about this,'etc.; however, it was made clear to him that it upset me and I was hurt and confused by it. But in my case I did not want to tell him that he had to stop it for me, I did not feel that I should demand that. In your case, given your history, there is no reason why you should hesitate to ask him to stop if that is what you really want. Truthfully, though, there is a great chance that he might not stop. I'm certain that my husband has not stopped, although he said that he was going to stop, for me, because he knows it hurts me and also because he (said) he feels like he simply should not be engaging in this hobby anymore, at age 45. Whatever. What I do love him for is that he told me he wants to stop for me, and he actually might be trying. I don't know, but the fact that he knows it bothers me is enough for me, and I've come to some peace with myself over it. I basically ignore it. Maybe it is some kind of addiction, I honestly cannot understand it; that's not to belittle it, but simply that I just do not understand. So he must deal with it himself, and deal with the fact that I know he does it and I don't care for it. So bring it out into the open. You have 15 strong years of marriage, and you can definitely work this out.

Thanks
Thanks for everyone's support & comments. He knew about some of my past before, but not all of it. And I do have a program on my machine to keep track of things that are going on. He hasn't really given me any reason not to trust him and he understands the pain that I've gone through. Guess I just needed to hear a little support from others. I don't talk about my past with anyone (my own mother has no idea). And on the good side, nothing has come through on email yet for him.

confused
ive read the entire posting thinking reading other opinions would help me figure out what it is that is truly bothering me. ive been with my bf for six years and he has not downloaded porn until just recently. in fact it seems to be only in the last few weekends. i am a very confident woman, i have no problems with porn in fact we watch it together from time to time.

i understand men will immediately hid downloading porn, because it is human nature for them. i suppose what really bothers me is the type of porn i found. it isn't a fetish i knew he had and it bothers me that after 6 years and a step away from engagement i find this out.

i have no doubt that his watchin porn has any meaning about our relationship or sex life, and that he would not do anything to hurt me. i also understand the occasional desire to watch porn when the girlfriend is away. i guess it bothers me for two reasons (1) makes me second guess how well i know him because of the type of porn and (2) he chooses not to be honest to me about it. And why recently, it makes me think if something has changed. It also makes me wonder if this will become a new habit.

in the six years we have always had total trust, there have been a few times it has been tested. perhaps it bothers me also because of a recent incident from his last vegas trip. i thought he had told me everythin of his trip but it was slipped to me that he had more fun then he told me. i felt so betrayed, not because of the action but because of the dishonesty. now i second guess our honesty, as honesty he only chooses to share. he states the reason he did not tell me was because he knew it would bother me and what i dont know wont hurt me. so of course I wonder, what else I don't know. It is obvious there are still things I have yet to learn about him.

i believe in true honesty because i do no want to be the insecure nor suspicious girlfriend. my trust for him is not totally lost, however i am afraid that in the back of my mind i will have those suspicious thoughts….it seems I am still confused.

Am I over thinking things? Am I making a big deal of nothing? What is it that really bothers me about this? It also hurts because I thought I had reached the point of deciding if he is the one, and to learn this after six years makes me revert back to being unsure. Im scared. Im scared my view on him has changed. That now when I look at him I might see someone I don't know. And I have never felt he had any reason to hide anything from me.

Although porn itself is not a reason for me to leave this relationship, it does bring up other issues that make me now second guess him. Could this be something I will have to learn to deal with, will this be something I can deal with, without setting my feelings aside.
Before I confront him on the subject, I want to understand my true feelings in the subject. Right now I can't confront him because I am still so hurt and confused. I am hoping writing to this post will help me clear things.

well, it seems as though there is more to your discomfort than plain jealousy or anything quite that simple. It sounds like you're really pretty comfortable with some kinds of porn (I don't know, "basic" porn?) but that the particular fetish-type thing he was looking at disturbed you, and since it sounds like you're open-minded about it, maybe there is reason to be disturbed. I personally do think some types of porn are less "okay" than others, and it seems to me that if he was looking at something that seems weird to you, that's the important thing, not whether it seems weird to others.

Also, you're having trust issues anyway after ffinding out things he hasn't told you. A lot of people do subscribe to the what-you-don't-know-won't-hurt-you theory, but I think that this is another thing that's a matter of what you are comfotable with. If it seems wrong to you to that he didn't tell you, then it's a problem, no matter what his reasoning is. Some would agree with him that it is best to not tell each other everything, but if you two don't have the same concept of what level of honesty is needed, then there are definitely reasons for you to pause before deciding that this is the right guy.

The point is that you guys seem like you might have different views about some significant things, and you can't just ignore them.

(edited to remove redundancy)

ILL SAY THIS THAT WEMON GET TOO COMFORTABLE AND THEY LET THEM SELVES GO TO THE DOGS LOOK LIKE A GRAB BAG LADYS GO TO THE GYM TIGHTEN UP THAT TOOSH GET THOSE THIGHS TIGHTEN TO WEAR SEXY CLOTHINIG YOUR NOT TOO OLD TO LOOK SEXY FOR YOUR MAN TO PUT THE SPICE BACK IN TO YOUR LIVES BUT FIRST HIT THE GYM.

me too
This is my first time ever posting on a thing like this so I couldn't really tell if this was a reallllly old subject or not... But thought I would join and post just kinda for myself really... and maybe it will help you too.

I feel exactly like you do... I mean EXACTLY. I'am a pretty cute girl... been married for 6 years and came home to my husband looking at porn. I was shocked and hurt. This was about 6 months ago. I was hurt... more hurt that anything. In fact, I have talked to so many friends about this, guys and girls, just trying to figure out how not to be hurt about it. So hurt that I found this on here in hopes of finding more ways to not be hurt by it.
I have tried to feel all kinds of ways about it... I have tried to be the kinda of wife that accepts it and talks about porn with him and looks at it in order not to be hurt... I couldn't do it... it would always end up hurting my feelings more and start a fight. I have tried to just ignore it but it would haunt me and I would have to just ask him if he looked. I cried reading this just thinking about how it hurts my feelings so much... Theres no changing it.
Honestly I don't know how I could ever stop any man from thinking another sexy girl is attractive... and of course he does... it's in his biology. But he does try. It has been 6 years before I ever knew. And he certainly doesn't check girls out in front of me. Doesn't sound like your hubby does that to you either.
I honestly feel every guy looks at porn... if not on the internet but just looking at girls walking down that street or girls at their work... I believe it is something that all guys struggle with in one way or another, and it has been there since they were pretty young.
Before I had come home early and caught him, this is something that we had talked about a few times and he told me he didn't look... So all this time I have been thinking this is a nonissue... something I don't have to worry or fuse over. He only told me that so that I wouldn't be hurt by the truth about men... he was just always hoping I would never find out. Plus I'am sure he just wants to struggle with his porn madness all on his own. I have put him on such a high Pedestal, He is MY husband not just "another guy"... Not just one of my stupid guy friends that I know are porn lookers...It didn't help me to know that EVERY guy looks because I put him on that pedestal because he is my love and that means he is special.

I have been hurt and struggling with this everyday. And I mean everyday... It is on my mind all the time. The only thing I have found comfort in... is the fact that... MY BEAUTY WONT LAST. After my discovery I too went to the gym 4-5 times a week... lost quite a few pounds and feel sexy as ever... but you know, it still hurt and of course I'am going to get old and uglier by the year. My hair will turn gray, and I will get wrinkly... But you know what I have... My husbands love and devotion. He did Marry me I assume because he loves me more than any other girl. Sure he doesn't notice when I undress or wear something cute all the time... sad and yes it hurts my feelings... I have to constantly remind him that I'am here and I'am sexy. It seems like a horrible thing but you know what. Those porn girls are gonna be cutier then me today and tomorrow and when I'am 40-50 so on... I'am just gonna get uglier... But honey... He loves me for me... your hubby picked you for you... not how hot we look or how sexy we are. And you know what... with that new ugly stretch mark on my bum... thank GOD!
And forget the stretch mark... every girl is looked at. Have you taken a close look at a lot of the porn... Sure there are pretty girls but most of them just look like girls... regular girls.... Guys will look at anything. Unless the girl is totally gross... they look at them.
Beauty doesn't last... Even just being "regular girl" kinda sexy doesn't last.

They did Marry us... They could be single, doing a new girl every night and parting with the strippers. No one made them marry us, they wanted us. And decided to want us forever. With all that stuff going through their minds all the time. Thats a HUGE commitment. Congratulations.... you win the devotion of a guy that, had the chance to be single and have a new girl any-o-night, and fights that all for............... YOU ..... Even though you are getting older by the day.

Look at the guys that act on their biological instincts to do every fertile girl around.... Child support, neglected families, and broken homes. Your hubby has at least ccommitted to one girl and said that he would stick by you for better (now in your prime) or worse (saggy boobs) no matter what! he said he would be there. Now just remind him when he needs it, and tell him that you need his attention. and you might have to be blunt... Hey Jerk... pay some attention to me!
It doesn't have to be a life full of dread.... Girlfriend... Dry you eyes... You got a sex with other girls driven guy dedicated to you... you're something special! You're beyond the worry of being sexy... you are far past that. you are his life companion.... and you were cute enough to marry. You passed the sexy test! you go girl.

Now that I wrote you a whole book... Keep your head up and be proud that you're in the- I don't have to worry about being sexy cause I'am loved without question- club. Have faith in your dirty minded yet devoted to you husband. It's hard work for him and he loves you!
You're friend -also in the club- Rachel

husband looking at porn
this is my first time here.i know you all are probably tired of hearing about this but i need someone to talk too.my husband has always liked porn,he didnt look at it for a while when i got mad about it. but i knew he still had it leftover on the hard drive so i acted like i liked it so i asked if i could see his "old" porn collection,well it was from last year.what hurts me is I will NEVER look like these women they are like a size 1 or 3 and look about 20 yrs old where as im 31 wear a size 5 and weigh 115pds.sounds good?,well its not i have stretch marks so deep all over my thighs and butt and breast that they look like really deep scars,my breast are size A cup and look like empty balloons due to breast feeding and weight loss\gain.my thighs are really flabby with cellulite dents all over them.no one believes you can look this bad weighing 115 lbs but you can.how can my husband want me if i look like this?we have sex but i think its because im there to have sex with,i know he would pick the young pretty flawless girls over me if he had the chance.i think im so ugly that my husband has to look at porn,otherwise why would he do it? our sexlife is great so its not like he has to use porn because he doesnt get any,its got to be because my body looks so bad.i just want to look like my husbands fantasy woman

Re: husband looking at porn


I'm sorry you have such low self esteem but rest assured no one looks like those women. They are pulled, stretched, taped and airbrushed. And the ones that look like that in movies probably have breast implants, have had liposuction and eat 3 grapes a day. Men may fantisize about women like that but they know they don't exist in real life

my husband looks at porn
sorry i had something else to say,im so upset over how bad i look all i do is cry when no one is looking.i dont have much appetite due to my stomach hurting so much,i wont wear a bathing suit unless i have shorts to cover up my problem areas,im not trying to get anyone to feel sorry for me,i was just hoping some else has been through this,i would like to know im not alone.is it wrong to want to look like what my husband downloads?my husband is very polite has never said anything like i wish you looked like jessica simpson or whoever.but i know i look bad because even my 10 yr old daughter asked why my legs and butt look so jiggly when we were taking a shower.she didnt mean it but she was honest. i love my kids and husband i just hate porn and the way i look.my mom says maybe i should see a psycatrist but how could paxil or zoloft change what i see is wrong with my body?please some one out there that has been through this tell me what to do.i have read on the internet that women some times feel l do but it was women that have written books and i have no way to ask questions to them.hopefully someone on here has felt the same way.sorry for going on so long! thank you for listening\reading

husband looking at porn
thanks Bella Dea for reading my post.i understand what you mean but my feelings are so hurt
all i can think of is im so gross that my husband looks at porn.he says its for when i dont feel like having sex or am on my period.he doesnt do it very much but once was enough for me. thanks again ,very nice people seem to be on this board

Almost every women I have ever met feels like this. I don't know why we hate our bodies but we do, and we always see them as worse than they are. This might seem harsh but.....

Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to change anything. You can cry and be sad all you want but your butt isn't getting any smaller and your self esteem isn't getting any better. If you are very unhappy, DO something about it. I know, it is easier said than done. I myself have gone through depression and the pain of knowing something is wrong and being unable to change it. But at one point you just know that enough is enough and you realize YOU are the only one in control of your life.

YOU are the one who is making yourself feel bad, not your husband. You have to realize that you can't pass the blame onto him. Your feelings are your, and you are entitled to feel however you want, but no one makes you feel any way. That is the first thing you have to realize. You need to de-victimize yourself.

The second thing you have to realize is that no one is going to do anything for you. You can't rely 100% on anyone other than yourself. You need to take back your life. Slap yourself (metaphorically of course) across the face and wake up to the life you are missing! You are missing your daughter grow up because you are so consumed in your self-hate. There was a time when I had to look at myself in the mirror every day and tell myself that I was worth it. That no matter what, my life was mine. You have to take responsibility for your life. Accountability can be a burden but it is also the most liberating thing in the world to know that no matter what comes along you can handle it and do it on your own.

The last thing you need to do is realize that no one is perfect. It doesn't sound like your husband is neglecting you in any way. He probably wonders what your problem is because he thinks your body is beautiful. If he didn't want to have sex with you, he would find it somewhere else. But he doesn't because he loves you and loves your body, stretch marks and all. Your body is real. He probably doesn't even see your stretch marks. Really. If you are unhappy with your breasts, have you considered plastic surgery? Normally I don't advocate it but when it something like this (from breastfeeding and what not) sometimes it's worth it. My breasts are not even. One is slightly bigger than the other. I notice it a lot. My husband is always like, "what the hell are you talking about? Yeah it's a little off but you can't even notice." Well I can, and what looks like a huge flaw to me, he barely notices.

As for looking at his history, that's snooping. You are intentionally looking for something to use against him and that isn't right. You need to sit down with him and discuss your self esteem issues with him. No crying and feeling sorry for yourself. Real, sit down and talk like adults conversation. Just tell him the facts. Like, "I feel like you don't find me attractive because...." and tell him why. He might not have any idea this is going on with you.

He uses porn because it's exciting. Have you considered watching it together? You might be surprised at how much it turns YOU on. It's the same as bondage or spanking. It just gets it going for some people.

And maybe he uses it because he wants to be selfish and just orgasm without having to work at pleasuring you. It sounds bad but we all feel that way sometimes. Sometimes, I don't want to work for it. I just want to masturbate and get it over with. Just get off, if you will. He doesn't want to use you like that and so he takes care of his business.

Any way you slice it, you need to reclaim your womanhood! Reclaim your body and your mind and be proud to be a woman. A real woman with the joys and hardships that come with really living. If you can't do it alone (many can't) then seek professional help. This problem has little to do with your husbands porn watching and everything to do with your issue of low self worth. How amazing it is that there is no one on earth like you? So ask yourself why you would want to be like anyone else? What you have is unique and special ONLY TO YOU. Your husband obviously realizes this and it is time you did to.

this is my first time on able2know and i was actually searching for husband obsessed with porn on yahoo and found this website. well, i've only been married for 7 months and I've know my husband for 2 years. I came across his, what I thought was "normal", like of porn in the beginning of our relationship. then he had dvd's of movies, which didn't bother me. once I became pregnant, he didn't want to have sex with me after about my 4th month, and I started noticing the porn in the dvd player more and more. I asked him about it, and he didn't really have much to say on the topic. My husband is the type of man who if he doesn't want to talk about something (normally his feelings or something emotional) he'll just say we're not talking about it, and get angry and walk away. By the time I was about 8 months, it hadn't stopped. I figured that since I wasn't being pleasured by him when I was needing some (and if anyone has been pregnant they know your hormones are raging at this time!) then it wasn't fair that he was disregarding my needs and fulfilling his own...so I asked him to stop until I had our son. Did he, of course not!

Needless to say, my son is 6 months old now, and not only has the porn movie watching (alone) continued, but i'm always finding videos downloaded onto our computer media player (not by snooping, but just by useing the media player myself and seeing them saved). So, it's as if he's not trying to hide it. I've tried talking to him several times (i would say about 10 times) and everytime it's the same thing, he tells me he doesn't want to talk about it and gets angry and stops talking to me for that day. So, I decided to just push it to the back of my mind and forget about it. Unfortunately though, whenever I go to bed before him and he stays up watching t.v., I tend to get paranoid that he gets on the computer and surfs for naked girls! And I've noticed though he has a fixation with oral sex porn.

Now, don't think that I'm a prude, because i'm not. I'm 22 years old, my husband is 29. I'm extremely sexual! I love sex, if it were up to me I'd have sex everynite. I try and get my husband to do that, but he is more of a one night a week guy, but he has no problem looking at porn everyday! I dress up for him in costumes, do strip shows, lap dances...the whole nine! When I talk to my girlfriends about the lengths I go to to please him, they even admit they do those things maybe once in a blue moon. I know I'm beautiful, but mostly to other men. My husband tells me I'm gorgeous, but I get more attention from strangers than I do him. I've tried confronting him on the porn issue again. But he still refuses to talks, takes it personal and shuts down.
I love watching porn with him, I think it's hot! But, I don't like when he leaves me out of things, and the fact that he knows I don't like it , he continues to view it, without even trying to cover his tracks. It's like he's rubbing it in my face that he knows I hate it, but he's saying, Here it is in the open and you can't do a single thing about it. How do I get him to know the porn has to slow down a lot or I won't be able to respect him like I use to?

Any suggestions ladies, and men. All advice would be appreciated.

Porn
Hey, i am new to this site. I did a search on google. I am just moving in with my partner. I know he looks at porn, as he is honest with me if he does. I have said i don't want it it the house when i am around. He has told me that he only looks at it when i am not around, and if he is horny. Uses it as something different and for a means to an end. He said it doesn't replace me. Don't know to believe this or not.

Believe it.