husband looking at porn

Yup, good to hear you got it sorted out!

I think if your spouse or significant other knows you don't approve of looking at porn then they should respect you and not do so! I too have caught my fiance going to porn sites and he didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with it. Even after I almost left him and he promised to never do it again, I caught him not even a month later at the porn sites.
The second time around he deleted the cookies, temp files and history in hopes that I would not find out. You cannot tell me that when he went there it didn't cross his mind about the promise he made me. Obviously it was not important enough to him because he made a contious choice and went anyway and even went a step further to hide it, knowing damn well how I felt about it. When I confronted him this time he lied AGAIN and said it was a pop up. I know better and also know that he registered at these sights. I am so upset and don't trust him at all. He doesn't view it as cheating but has known that I do consider it a form of cheating. Why is it so hard from him to restrain himself when he knows how I feel about this? I have told him if he does it again the relationship is overwith. I guess I will have to wait and see if he takes me seriously.

Husband Looking at Porn
Hello

I feel everyone's pain!!! I am going through the exact same thing. I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and this has been going on for quite some time. Some times I chose to ignore it and others I would confront him about it and would get some sort of cop out excuse.. I have to tell you that our life in the bed room has dwindled and because of that it REALLY BOTHERS me to the point where I am ready to walk away.

I love him so very much, I want to marry him and cannot imagine my life with any other man but to be honest it is doing such damage to my being that I cannot deal with it anymore. Guys see it as harmless but what they don't understand is that it does serious damage to our self esteem. I have recently made my last attempt to actually sit down with him and talk calmly about this issue. I was very very honest when telling him that it hurts me, it makes me sad, angry , depressed, it makes me feel rejected, enapt, no good, I cannot complete with that, most of that is not real.

He did open up a bit and said that he knows our bed room life has gone down the tubes and just is not in the mood.. Maybe there is an issue here, if there is I don't want to be unsupportative ya know...but if he is not in the mood, why is he in the mood for that? He says it is different and cannot describe it. He said he wants to work on it so I guess wel will see.

I tell you at this point I am hoping that our bed room life will improve and if it does I may be able to accept the occasional adult content. but maybe not. really hard to tell at this point when I am feeling so low.

I also should say that this guy is perfect in every other way!!! I am not sure if it is an addiction but I am about to find out. I have stumped to something very low. I have installed spyware on his computer..reports are emailed to be everyday that tells me exactly where he has been. I feel awful about this but need answers..I need to figure out what exactly is going on...

Words cannot describe the damage you men do to us for any men out there reading...if you really love someone why do you put us through this??? I know you think it is harmless but READ ON....does this describe something that is harmless to you..

You make women think awful thoughts, make them think they are no good...

anyway I am babbling

Re: Husband Looking at Porn


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Re: Husband Looking at Porn


Hey bodemette... welcome to A2K.

Sorry to hear about your problems... but I have to disagree with you. We don't MAKE you do anything. Your bf didn't MAKE you install software on his computer in order to spy on him... you did that all yourself.

Now, I understand that you are feeling "rejected, inept, no good" but what you don't understand is that we do not expect you to "compete with that." Some men have problems and addictions to pornography, but most men, in my opinion, merely use it as a way to relive a little stress or get off while you're not around. You say this has effected your love life... but did it effect it before you found out about him using porn?

My guess is he now feels a bit ashamed that you know what he is doing and is sick and tired of talking about it with you. Just think how he will feel once you find out you are spying on him.

Anyway... I hope you find what you are looking for.

jpinMilwaukee,

Thanks for your comments, however I think I have been a bit misunderstood.

1. Our bed room life has suffered for a long while, not just because of the porn - he has always done the porn but it it now getting in the way of our real Sex life!!! this i belive to be the bigger issue here.

2. "sick of talking about it" What! we are in a relationship here..he should be open to talking to me about whatever whenever just as I am him. and I must say that I have not bothered him about this day after day after day. I am just now having my last and final conversation with him. I want him to know how it makes me feel. I am hoping we can come to a common ground. I would rather he did not look at it at all, it is a bit offensive to me but I know that men and women are very different. What I am asking for is not to replace it with ME! I think that would be a step in the right direction.

3. He did not make me do anything - however his actions put me in this state of mind where I feel the need to know first hand what I am dealing with. and while I too belive it is very low - hey I need answers and I am not getting them...I would be upset if I found out he was spying on me but at the same time. I have nothing to hide!!!

Then I would say he does have a problem... using porn to get off is one thing but using it to replace a real life flesh and blood person is another.

Hope you can work it out.

What relief that I stumbled across these posts! I too am trying hard to deal with my husband's online porn habit. I am unable to talk to my close friends about this, it is just way too personal, and I don't want them to think about my husband doing this, I'm sure you can understand. I've never opened up to anyone about this. Anyway, it seems like he's always jerking off. I catch him frequently, and I'm never critical or turn away in disgust, in fact, I try to bring him to me so I can help him out, if you know what I mean. He's not one who has traded our sex life for porn, although I know that many times he is not interested in me because he's been "with himself." We are together enough for me and my needs and for us to feel close. But I am just soooo confused about his need to look at pictures; he even does this right after we've had sex and I just don't understand! I am a fairly self-confident women and secure in my looks, but I suddenly found myself one day putting on make-up (I usually wear only a little bit) and heels (I almost never wear these) and feeling like my body was insufficient for his needs (I'm small breasted). It is such a bizarre reaction for me, to feel so inadequate. I found the links and looked up some of the names of the woman he was looking at, various models, movie-stars, etc. and found myself comparing me to them! Seems so pathetic, right? So anyway, one day he sees that I have base makeup on my face (which I never wore before) and asked why, because he knows I know he hates makeup. So I told him that I knew about the porn, and how I felt about it, mostly confused and hurt, and that I hadn't been feeling attractive to him, but that I knew he loves only me and it is a separate thing, sort of, and an outlet for him, it calms him down, it's "normal" and all guys do it. I believe all these things are true and I would love to be perfectly ok with it (for some reason, I did not have a problem with it when I was married once before). So he sort of tried to lie his way out of it - he was bored, it was just curiosity, etc. - but then he did admit that he does it, and that he would stop if I wanted him too. I said he would have to make that decision, but know he knows that it hurts me. Not the masturbating, this is perfectly normal and a wonderful thing, but the pictures of other women. So he said he stopped but I know that he hasn't; I catch him quickly changing the screen he's on to the Verizon website or the Yankees website...such a guy! but I know what he's been doing. This has basically been an issue for about 9 months now. A huge part of me just wants to ignore it and accept it, because I know it's a sort of escape for him that he seems to need. I have mine, too, and sometimes they're not the best or healthiest. We all need this type of thing. But I just don't know what to do with this hurt and isolation that I feel. I don't really want to bring it up again with him, there are so many wonderful things in the relationship and he is a wonderful husband in many, countless ways, and I've pretty much decided to accept this. But can anybody help me to deal with this confusion and distance I feel around this subject? Has anybody decided to just accept this in their relationship but also knows how to deal with their own feelings? For now I just try to distract myself and get absorbed in other things. Reading, gardening, things that are only mine, unique to me, places in my head where nobody can go except me. Then I feel centered again, but the issue is still there and probably will be for a long time. Any help?

jpinMilwaukee -

I do appreciate your input - excuse me if I sound a little upset - This is a huge issue for women as you can see. It is sad that this may be the cause to what was/is a great relationship. In all honestly though...if I new I was doing something to hurt my boyfriend so much I would just stop it....

How can everything else be so perfect...in your opinion he once said he just dosen't feel like it (low libedo or something) if low libedo was really the case, why would you be in the mood for that? I think that was just an excuse

We are going to have a conversation tonight so I am going to remain calm, and hopefully we will be able to come to a middle ground.

Thanks Again!!

When I was younger I only ever had one girlfriend who could come close to keeping up with my libido and even then, at least a few days a month, it was a no go. I would have killed to have had the Internet around for free and instant access to porn on those days.

Geesh. Just wait thirty years, you'll both be popping Viagra and surfing porn, or who knows what?

Trust me... I know what a problem it is. There have been many many threads started on the subject.

I think the biggest problem is the different ways males and females view the issue. In my opinion most (not all but most) men simply use porn as a quick easy way to get off and relieve a little pressure... simple as that. Nothing less and nothing more.

Women tend to make it much more personal. As deborahmaxx (by the way.. welcome to a2k deborahmaxx) stated in her post she is a self confident woman but started comparing herself to the women online. Then you start thinking that you aren't attractive enough or not good enough or whatever. It becomes a personal issue.

But we don't want our wives to be porn stars. We don't compare you to them. We don't expect you to be like them. It is just a way to get off.



I don't think it is that easy. It's not like asking him to start taking his shoes off when he comes inside or to stop leaving the seat up. A man has urges and sometimes he just needs to take care of those urges. Again porn is simply a means to and end and nothing more.


Now I am not saying that porn isn't a problem. It hurts yourt feeling and he should be considerate of them. But try to understand where he is coming from and try to understand what it means to him. If he is obsessed with porn to the point of not wanting a real person then he has a real problem/addiction. If it really doesn't mean anything to him and is just a tool to get a job done then I think you should try to be considerate of his feelings as well.

Anyway I hope you have a good conversation tonight and I hope you can come to some sort of an agreement.

deborahmaxx, does that help answer any of your questions at all?

Women act like they don't have fantasies. They might not be the same as mens fantasies but they are fantasies none the less.

I've said it at least 100 times but I will say it again...
It isn't the porn that is hurting you..it's the lying, or hiding or the decline of your sex life that's hurting.

If your man won't respect and listen to you (if you are being reasonable and rational that is) then you need to get out. And by reasonable and rational, I don't mean screaming, crying, carrying on and throwing a tantrum demanding he stop fantasizing about other women (the porn picture girls).

I mean sitting down and calmly discussing WHY his habit is upsetting you and how you can compromise to make things work. The operative word here, ladies is COMPROMISE.

Listen to Bella... she's a goddess!

jpin...stop.....you're embarrassing me.... :wink:

JpinMilwaukee

Yes, your reply does help alot. It is very, VERY good to hear the man's side of this, too. Your perspective is exactly the same as my husband's; that it really is a separate thing in your minds. There is absolutely no question that he would ever, ever go out and cheat on me. And I clearly see the benefits. He's hot tempered, very in-the-moment with his feelings, and it helps keep him centered. I see how something like porn is important in this way. And I feel embarrassed for him because I know he's trying so hard to hide it from me. He knows it hurts and confuses me, and although I never requested that he stop, he took it upon himself to tell me that he would stop. He cares for me that much. But of course I know he hasn't so this is why I've decided to try to let it go. Especially since it is out in the open, we've talked about it, he knows how I feel, etc. And like I said, it really hasn't slowed down our sex life, he's one who pretty much wants it all the time (whee!) so that's ok with me. It is strange, though, looking back to my first marriage. Then I was so open to everything sexually: all kinds of weird and fun things, including porn, that I was never bothered by it at all. My 1st husband told me that he even would go down to the places on 42nd st to see some of the shows and I found that sort of interesting. We actually went together once (it honestly was so bizarre and UNSEXUALfor me that I just laughed!!! It was just weird to me) But now after about 7 years, and with my new husband, this has become an issue. Maybe I'm more aware of myself and more secure in my true feelings about things like this? I don't know, but it is interesting how I've changed. I feel like your reply really helped me alot. Since I am ready to just deal with the situation as it is and try to confront the confusion and isolation and hurt that I sometimes feel about this, I think just talking with someone else about it helps. Esp. since this is the very first time I've ever discussed this. THANKS!

Oh come on... you love it.

maybe....



**shhhh, don't tell anyone. it will RUIN my reputation for being a cold hearted bitch when it comes to these threads** :wink:

I'm glad it helped... I hope everything works out for you. Feel free to stick around and check out some of the other forums... lots of good people here with good things to say.


Oh and Bella... you are such a cold hearted bitch!! :wink:

That's better.

:wink:

My first time here:) HI to everyone! I have read the subject about husband looking at pornos on the internet. That happened to me a week ago and I must say that I felt devastated and offended about what he did. He said, he only did it once and it never happen again. I don't know if I should believe him or not. But on the other hand, I was thinking maybe I should just let it go because all guys look at porns. And its not that I haven't checked out some porns before. What do I need to do? I tried to forget about it because I know it's not really a big deal...but I still keep on thinking about it and it bothers me. Physically and sexually, I'm 100% positive guaranteed that he is satisfied and I know I've been the freakiest and kinkiest person he has even been with. We've done almost all the sexiest, erotic sexual fantasies you can think of. But for some reason I cannot let go the fact that he went to check out some porn on the internet. I need help