Why would he say this?

Christine, I've just come across this thread. Where are you in MA? Do you want to get together to talk? I live in Brighton. I could meet you for a coffee, a drink, anything and if you need someone to come with you to see the shelter, a counsellor, I can go with you. We have talked before about the cutting but I had no idea that there was an abusive relationship. I am probably double your age but I will listen and meet with you if you think it might help.

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I appreciate the offer Heeven but I'm not to sure about that.. For one he might be mad if he found out and I can't just dissapear for an afternoon and not let him find out.... It wouldn't be possible... and he would find out I am talking to people online and then he would get angry... he would get angry because it is about him and I don't want him to find out.. I don't want him to get mad...I live south of boston... about 15-20 minutes away from Brighton, I actually have a friend that lives there... but again thank you for the offer Smile

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<sighs>

Sometimes I look at life and I think how quickly it can pass us by. When I do that it makes me want to push forward to achieve my goals. I have many unfulfilled desires of my heart. And many things I have achieved, also. But one thing I know for sure - I will get where I wanna go. I am probably a stronger woman than I have ever been in my life. Even in times of weakness - I know this deep within me.

What does this have to do with you?

Simply - I wonder sometimes where you see yourself 1 - 5 - 10 years down the road. The environment that you are in right now does not paint a very pretty picture of your future. I don't know if you want children someday. I know I do. The man that will be my childrens father - has to be a good man. He has to be able to show them the same love and gentle guidance I want to show them. He has to be able to take care of them if for some reason I should die before they have a chance to grow up.

Where do you see yourself, Christine? God forbid that you see yourself in the same place you are right now. Yet - each day and each month and each year that passes - are gone forever. Do you honestly want to live your life like this?

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Well the offer remains open. I don't want to pile the pressure on you but I do agree with the others here that you need to leave. I know you are having difficulty with your conflicting emotions. This is very hard but it's just not healthy to be in a close relationship with someone who keeps threatening to kill himself. I presume he does not know that you chat with us and is unaware of A2K, so you can't really use an A2K meeting as an excuse to be away for a few hours?

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I've really wanted to say something to Crazyladie, but it seemed like she has alrady recieved the best advice she can. This girl should really take babbling brooks advice. Crazyladie is just making too many excuses. I think in her head and in her heart she already knows what she must do. Stop making excuses and make the decision to do something.

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Heeven-no A2k doesn't exist to him

Brooke- 5-10 years from now I know he will not be in my life and if he is I know he won't be treating me like he is now... 5 years of this and I will go crazy... I am just soooo scared to let go... I can't do it, a part of me loves him soooo much... but the question is, am I in love with him? Things used to be great between him and I but things change... I know I am still young but I just don't want to go through the pain of losing someone else... I don't want to go through the pain I feel now either... I know aprt of me wants to leave... but I can't do it, not now..not yet

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I agree he needs help angel, but you are not the one to help him, he needs professional help.

I am just not sure, he sounds more pathetic than dangerous, but you never know, there could be a very violent person inside him just waiting to show itself. The signs are definitely there, there's not doubt about that. Every moment you stay with him is one more chance you are giving him of hurting you; if you value your life as it is, leave.

Abuse, from what I know, escalates until it becomes unbearable, you don't want to get to that point, believe me.

We'll be here giving you our support the best we can.

Take care.

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What if I do leave him and leave the best thing that ever happened to me.. maybe he will change.... maybe he won't, I just don't know, he's been all talk for soo long now that though a part of me is scared of him, a part of me thinks he is just saying it to be tough...

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And what if you do leave him and HE realizes YOU are the best thing that ever happened to him? It could be the wake-up call he needs to tidy up his act. Although that might not be realistic. You are letting him get away with this behavior and he will never learn a lesson until you shock him. Leaving is a pretty mighty shock. It tells him you will not accept this behavior from him and if he wants to continue a relationship (any kind of relationship) with you, he HAS TO get himself together and stop this temper tantrum crap, and flying off the handle, and threatening suicide at the drop of a hat.

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This is difficult. This situation is like watching a train wreck that's just about to happen . . . and not being able to stop it.

None of us have said anything that will spur Crazielady420 to leave this dangerous, unhappy situation. She loves him and she's going to stay.

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Heeven wrote:

And what if you do leave him and HE realizes YOU are the best thing that ever happened to him? It could be the wake-up call he needs to tidy up his act. Although that might not be realistic. You are letting him get away with this behavior and he will never learn a lesson until you shock him. Leaving is a pretty mighty shock. It tells him you will not accept this behavior from him and if he wants to continue a relationship (any kind of relationship) with you, he HAS TO get himself together and stop this temper tantrum crap, and flying off the handle, and threatening suicide at the drop of a hat.

I agree with you on that one... the way you worded it, that is him.. temper tantrums, threatening suicide at the drop of a hat... if a pan fell in the kitchen he could get angry enough to say, well know I have to go kill myself... that is him...but if I leave him, that is it, we wouldn't even be friends, he wouldn't allow it... he has to become completely unattached.. maybe that is what I am scared about... becoming unattached to something I have been attached to for sooo long... Crying or Very sad

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Crazielady420 wrote:

Heeven-no A2k doesn't exist to him

Brooke- 5-10 years from now I know he will not be in my life and if he is I know he won't be treating me like he is now... 5 years of this and I will go crazy... I am just soooo scared to let go... I know aprt of me wants to leave... but I can't do it, not now..not yet

As much as I want to help you, I am failing miserably. Crying or Very sad

Please make that phone call. They won't know who you are. You don't have to tell them. So you don't have to be afraid of consequences.

If nothing changes in your thinking pattern - then I fear you will have to be brutally beaten in order to leave him. And even then I am not so sure you will leave. After you are beaten he will be all lovey-dovey. Telling you how sorry he is. How it will never happen again. He will say all of this through tears. Don't mistake those tears. They won't be tears of sadness for what he has done to you. They wil be tears of desperation. A man about to lose his possession. He will do what he has to do to keep you there. And I think he will succeed. For the longer you stay - the harder leaving gets. He has already emotionally abused you. The longer you allow him to do this to you - the less you are able to think rationally. Right now your thinking is way off the mark.

I am frightend for you. But I also know that you are no where close to ever leaving this man. I wish you the best.

I am going to pm you my phone number. I am generally home by 7pm. If you would happen to use my number leave a message if I am not there please. Or if a girl answers the phone besides me - it is just someone living with me. You can leave a message with her. Today I am working from home. I give you my number - NOT to keep trying to talk you into leaving him. I give it to you as a friend who will simply "listen" if that is all you need. I don't mind being woken up, by the way. I am a light sleeper and function fine on very sleep if I have to. Even if you do not plan on ever using it - please keep it close (just in case.)

God bless.

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Crazielady:

This man does not love you. He doesn't care AT ALL about your HEALTH or well-being. He does not even know what love is. He doesn't love himself. He does not respect himself. And most of all:

HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU.

There's so much more to say, but that says it all:

HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU.

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Debra_Law wrote:

This is difficult. This situation is like watching a train wreck that's just about to happen . . . and not being able to stop it.

None of us have said anything that will spur Crazielady420 to leave this dangerous, unhappy situation. She loves him and she's going to stay.

I have been reading along, and perplexed about what to say.

I know Lady cares about him, but I don't know about love. Love is a product of both people caring for each other, a product of communication between them, a continuing product of a ongoing process; it is not just attachment and concern.

I see Lady is stymied by fear, and also possibly by a failure of imagination, to imagine yourself out of this for real, CLady.

I don't think, as others have said they don't either, that you are the one to help him, Lady. He has to help him, and he needs professional counselling.
I think you need to help you, and that doing so won't hurt him but could help him, eventually.

I sure do wish you would just call the people that George gave you the number for, and just talk with them.

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Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:

Am I the only one who doesn't just "think" her boyfriend threatening his sister with a f'n knife is a bad sign???

It's not a sign, your boyfriend is f'd in the head. Plus he's suicidal. Not a person you want to spend time with.

Dump his ass and go get yourself some help so you can sort your own issues out too.

This was worth restating. Every once in a while a good jolt from Slappy or Kicky says it all.

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Just to update everybody... I gave someone here my phone number in case you guys ever get worried about me...so that person can call and make sure everything is all right.... but please don't worry....
Also I am excited today, I am having a girls night out (very rare), a bunch of us are going to play pool (ladies play free on thursday nights).. I told my boyfriend yesterday and he got upset that I didn't tell him more than a day in advance and he told me not to do that anymore..keyword told me... ugh... he tries to tell all his friends that I say he can't go out with his friends, that I'd get mad... not true (but it is ok for him to do it to me)... the only time I get mad is when him and I have plans and then all of a sudden.. sorry I am going out with so and so..and he thinks he is just gonna take my car and leave me at home to do nothing..who wouldn't get mad.... my point being he tried to pull this...well the reason why I don't want you to go out tomorrow night(2nite now) is because you were sick the other day and I don't want you to get sicker.... now normally I'd believe this but this is coming from the guy that wouldn't drive me to the hospital b/c he had to work in the morning... y would he all of a sudden care... because I didn't give him time to make plans.... which he will probably just call a friend and get picked up! But he got mad at me telling him for telling him one day in advance.. yet he does it to me!! AHhhhhhhh

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Re: Why would he say this?
I was thinking about you last night and I went back to your original question

Crazielady420 wrote:

This is something I have been wondering about for a few weeks now! Ok, well a few weeks ago our new neighbor came over for a few drinks ( she is older than my mother and was very odd)... we invited her over because she was so lonely.... anyways

She basically told us her life story, and how her husband abused her..

Right after she finished her story my boyfriend turns to me, right in front of her and goes "have I ever hit you before"? He asked it as if he couldn't remember..... first of all, and I told him this, If he eer hit me, I wouldn't be with him, and second of all why would he even think that he may have hit me....

Why would he say "have I ever hit you before?" - got me thinking, did your boyfriend just admit to being a potentially physical abuser? After the neighbor told this story did, perhaps, your boyfriend think you two had schemed together to tell him indirectly or hint that he is an abuser? Seemed to me that he felt a direct link to the story being that he thought the abuser described him. If I were to sit down with someone who I thought was an abuser and try to talk, I would have probably employed the use of a "story" like this to see if the abuser would identify. Seems your boyfriend did identify - he thought you guys were talking about him!