Why would he say this?

Crazie, I think I can understand your home situation. Although I am just about 23, because I'm living at home, I have to live under my parent's rules. It really stinks. And if I was in your shoes, I would also never hear the end of it. Especially from my mother, who would no doubt bring it up at every chance she got. They also would question my future choices in partners, as well. But don't let the fear of your family's reactions stop you from protecting yourself. It's better to be nagged at by your parents than fear for your life. Although your bf has never done anything to hurt you, it's obvious that he is very capable of doing so. He's even said that he can't promise that he won't hurt you. If he's willing to nearly stab his young sister, he will be willing to do it to you, as well.

If I were you, and I know it's easier said than done, I'd try to find a roommate among one of your friends or family (like a cousin or so), or even search for one online. Do so ASAP.

I understand that you love this man, but if he's not willing to go to some anger managment counselling, it's not worth the risk to your life.

Hi, CrazieLady. Many women have mixed emotions about possibly-violent partners, thinking "he's a good person, I love him..." until they end up beaten or stabbed to death. You are not alone in your mixed feelings for this guy.

This stuff really happens, CrazieLady, it's not just theory, and it doesn't just happen to Other People. In fact, it happens A LOT.

It seems you are "of many minds" about your situation. I can understand that. Part of you loves him & part of you hates him. We're telling you to Just Get Out Now because your physical self is in danger, and once that self is damaged, it may not be fixable.

The loss you will feel when you leave him IS fixable. We're not saying it will be easy to get out, or that you don't or can't love him....but UNTIL he gets some real help, you will simply be safer elsewhere. Just because you love him doesn't mean you have to live with him Right Now.

I think you should gather your courage and act now. You know, courage is not something you get BEFORE you do something courageous. You only feel it AFTER the thing is done. So don't wait until you feel brave enough to leave, because it may never happen.

I think it would be best if you tell your parents, so they can protect you. Sure, they'll give you a hard time, but how long would you have to live with them? A couple of months, maybe? And they can criticize your later relationships from now 'til the cows come home, but they cannot MAKE you do anything, esp. once you move out again.

If you just can't manage that, please find a safe place....by that I mean a home where more than one person lives there, preferably with a handy shotgun and several large & ill-tempered dogs.

The very best place would be a women's shelter, but I hesitate to even suggest it as you may think it's over-reacting. It's not, in my opinion. Could you possibly just visit a shelter over the weekend, maybe meet some women who have been abused, read some literature, say something like, "I really love this guy, but these people at A2K keep saying I should get in touch with you, so I'm only doing it for them...." Or just call a shelter or abuse hotline, and tell them the same thing? Could you do that just to humor us?

I agree with BorisKitten CrazieLady, like the saying goes; better safe than sorry.

Well He is in the next state with his family right now! I asked him last night if he didn't mind if I stayed home and I told him that I need some space and he was perfectly fine with it, he didn't get angry once.... I also told him that his temper really scares me and he said he could never hurt me but his temper scares him too.... We will talk about it more when he gets back... I got a lot off my chest last night but I still have much more to say! I will look up stuff on this subject online... thanks again!!

Argh!!! Girlfriend....this is perhaps your one and only chance to call all the friends and family you know to get their butts over to your place NOW and get moved out!!

Don't wait until he comes back to talk it over some more. There will plenty of time for talking....WHEN you are in a SAFE environment. YOU are not in a SAFE environment where you are!

These wonderful folks who have replied to your posts are not just wonderful people, some of them are attorney's, abuse crisis counselors and therapists. Some have even lived what you are going through and worse.

Please, please, please.....get out of there now....

LadyJ is right... It's the old "I'm really scared of him one day & the next day he didn't get upset once" routine. He probably senses that you're debating whether or not to continue the relationship, or worse, he's like a faucet and can turn on or off at any time. THIS is the time to make the choice. He's gone, you're alone, move it out of there.
I was in a situation where I was abused (I know you're not physically, but that's really not the point..what he's doing to your head is just as terrifying), The first time he took off for a weekend I stayed. The weeks that followed after he came back were beyond hell. The next time he left for a mini-vacation, I moved out...with 2 kids into my VERY STRICT mother's 2 bedroom apartment. It wasn't the best time of my life, but VERY worth it! It's not easy to leave someone, but in a situation like the one you're in, it really is the ONLY choice to make. Is a life with this guy worth questioning the relationship all the time and being scared out of your wits? Another thing...If he can pull a knife on his sister, with you in the room...what do you think he could do to you, when you're all alone??

Crazie
The others are right!!! I also lived through and abusive relationship and I'm surprised that I actually got out alive. Your boyfriend needs serious help in anger management and if you stay with him, he could seriously hurt you or even kill you.
These warning signs can't get any clearer than they are now and all I can see is you becoming a human punching bag.
Why would you want to live with someone who keeps you in fear? I know you love him, but is it really worth living like this? I know first hand what it's like to live in fear and believe me when I tell you, it only gets worse.
Don't ever allow yourself to be a victim of abuse, whether it me verbal or physical abuse.

Honestly I am just to scared to leave, I don't want to make him angry!

And that's the very reason why you should leave. It's your life, but if you value your life, then you need to get away from him.

Not half as scared as you will be if he ever comes at you with a knife like he did his sister.

Crazielady? Doesn't the fact that you are so afraid to leave him, tell you something?

Do you see the control he already has over you? This control, by the way, he only has because you give it to him.

Why do I get the feeling that it's not just about being afraid of making him angry? Is there a part of you that won't believe he could hurt you....until he does? I think alot of your problem is that you love him, more than you fear him.

*sighs* You gotta do what you gotta do for yourself. If that means staying with him till he hurts you....then so be it. I just pray that he leaves enough of you, so you can at least move forward with your life. Many women never have the chance.

Hope you don't mind. I copied this from your post on "what made you smile today.

* I have nothing more to say *

I dunno know anymore, no I have no doubt in my mind that if he got really angry then he would hurt me... He admits that he is scared of his own temper! I just don't want to see him hurt.. I hate hurting peoples feeling... I know it is for my own safety to leave but I am not sure if I am ready to leave yet! AS stupid as that sounds.... He is in NH right now so I have had alot of time to myself to think about what I want to do.... and I still come up with the answer... I just don't want to hurt him.. I am comfortable with him..... I don't want to lose that either.. I know what I have to do, I have to leave... no iI just need to let my heart in on that plan!

You say you don't want to hurt him, but he's hurting you by keeping you in fear. I hope you don't regret staying with him, but I read what you said on the "what made to smile today" thread and if you're only smiling when he's not around, your living a very sad existance.

Good luck to you.

You don't want to hurt him. Why do you care more about him, than you do yourself? What about your own survival? Many men have survived broken hearts. I guarantee you.......he's not going to spend the rest of his life mourning the loss of your love.

You are comfortable with him. Are you REALLY? You can be comfortable with someone who causes you to fear him?

Anger management is all about controlling temper tantrums.

Change is possible for him--but why should he bother when you are willing to love him as he is?

By staying with him you are keeping the status quo--with all the potential for violence and personal harm to yourself. You are not growing. He is not growing.

Ever since he has been with me, he has gotten up off his ass and made something of himless.. He has a steady job now, took out all his many facial piercings, and he has his own place.... he is growing but he anger is just growing with him!

This may seem like an easy decision but it isn't for me... The logical thing would be to leave him.... but sometimes logical isn't right..... my heart and my head are disagreeing..... And I don't know which to follow anymore, because some say follow your heart and others say listen to your mind!!!

WHICH ONE?

That's easy.

When your heart and head are conflicting, ALWAYS follow your head.

ALWAYS.

ALWAYS.

ALWAYS.

Thought the 2 of you lived together? Or maybe you just mean he was living with his folks before?

I know it's a really hard decision to make, but there are some things to keep in mind. Really, just because you live in a different home doesn't mean you don't love him.

Test him a little, see if he knows what love is all about. You can always tell him you need a "free" place to live if you move back in with your folks.

Remember, moving out doesn't mean you don't care for him. We're not asking you to stop loving him. Just asking you to protect yourself, and these are two completely different things.

And move out when he's not around, please!

Well he came back from NH at 7:30 last night and he is all lovey dovey again.... He knows something is up with me though.. I have been acting distant... with all that I have on my mind.... I had a great night without him though... I even made some new friends, got hit on, spent that night out with the girls and crashed at a friends house.... It made me realize how much I have been missing being cooped up in the house with him all the time... I am going to give us a week or two more and I will make my descision based on how they go... If we start fighting again, then it is over... And I have a gut feeling that it will be over soon!

Roller coaster.