Frank Apisa wrote:Tanbear wrote:Frank Apisa wrote:Tanbear wrote:Just a bit of an update for you all.
After several weeks of this I've discovered to my pleasure that watching porn and pleasing myself is sooo much hotter and more arousing than sex with my husband ever was.I've purchased a new computer with a very large hard drive for myself,I've also sampled some sex toys purchased on the web.
The last time my husband reached for me, I asked him to please not bother, that I could now see the situation via his viewpoint and feel
our sex life was tired,boring.I also confided that having had a good look at other men now makes it impossible for me to be aroused by his pasty,flabby middle aged body and that having to conjur up enough mental imagery to be able to fake it just isn't worth the effort involved.
He can have his computer in the den, he can now in fact do whatever he likes with whomever he likes.. just as long as he no longer bothers me.
My guess is that he is delighted with the new arrangement! Sounds as though this is the best thing that could have happened for him.
I could care less what pleases him at this point,just as long as I'm no longer required to function as his cumrag at 3am after he's been viewing porn half the night.
Actually...you didn't have to explain that, Tan.
Actually I wish I didn't have to ever live it.. I cannot express how humilating and low it leaves a person feeling.
Tanbear wrote:Actually I wish I didn't have to ever live it.. I cannot express how humilating and low it leaves a person feeling.
But it only leaves a person humiliated and low if they allow it to.
Guys love to look at porn. Guys love to look at naked women. Guys love to be stimulated by that which they cannot have.
If you played your cards right...rather than like a child...you could work this into a very enjoyable stimulation...something that would make each of you have better, more intense orgasms.
Instead...you are choosing to make it hell.
Hey...argue that you want hell...and hell you will get.
But if you wake up and realize that this is not the disgusting thing you think it is...but rather, an opportunity for better sexual satisfaction...you will get that instead.
To be honest with you though...you sound as though you despise your husband. You also are giving some indication that you don't especially enjoy sex...which causes me to question the veracity of that post where you are diddling yourself in front of computer porn.
Try this: Tell your husband that you want him to rent a couple of porn videos...and you want to have sex while watching them.
Bet you will have a great time.
If you don't...then your marriage is a sham...and you should dissolve it.
I can't believe this thread is still going.....
Tanbear just likes the attention, telling us how bad she has it and how unwilling she is to compromise in any way. She made up her mind long ago and is going to stick to it.
jpinMilwaukee wrote:Tanbear just likes the attention, telling us how bad she has it and how unwilling she is to compromise in any way. She made up her mind long ago and is going to stick to it.
considering this is the only thread she's posted to.....gotta agree with you there!
Frank Apisa wrote:Tanbear wrote:Actually I wish I didn't have to ever live it.. I cannot express how humilating and low it leaves a person feeling.
But it only leaves a person humiliated and low if they allow it to.
Guys love to look at porn. Guys love to look at naked women. Guys love to be stimulated by that which they cannot have.
If you played your cards right...rather than like a child...you could work this into a very enjoyable stimulation...something that would make each of you have better, more intense orgasms.
Instead...you are choosing to make it hell.
Hey...argue that you want hell...and hell you will get.
But if you wake up and realize that this is not the disgusting thing you think it is...but rather, an opportunity for better sexual satisfaction...you will get that instead.
To be honest with you though...you sound as though you despise your husband. You also are giving some indication that you don't especially enjoy sex...which causes me to question the veracity of that post where you are diddling yourself in front of computer porn.
Try this: Tell your husband that you want him to rent a couple of porn videos...and you want to have sex while watching them.
Bet you will have a great time.
If you don't...then your marriage is a sham...and you should dissolve it.
he's flat out told me that I am too old to be desirable to him,that when he looks at me nude in a room with the light on that it causes him to lose his erection.I'm sorry, there's no way I can salvage anything from that and I'm not in a financial position to pay him alimony and still be able to meet our other standing obligations.I can't think of any other options at this point.
To be fair here I've informed him that he's under no obligation to keep up any appearance of marital fidelity,who he choses to sleep with at this point is not my business.
I can't find the pic, but I have an image of a comic stuck in my head. Husband is standing on the bed naked, wife is in bed clapping furiously. It reads: "I'm not applauding your erection. I'm trying to turn out the light".
Tanbear wrote:Frank Apisa wrote:Tanbear wrote:Actually I wish I didn't have to ever live it.. I cannot express how humilating and low it leaves a person feeling.
But it only leaves a person humiliated and low if they allow it to.
Guys love to look at porn. Guys love to look at naked women. Guys love to be stimulated by that which they cannot have.
If you played your cards right...rather than like a child...you could work this into a very enjoyable stimulation...something that would make each of you have better, more intense orgasms.
Instead...you are choosing to make it hell.
Hey...argue that you want hell...and hell you will get.
But if you wake up and realize that this is not the disgusting thing you think it is...but rather, an opportunity for better sexual satisfaction...you will get that instead.
To be honest with you though...you sound as though you despise your husband. You also are giving some indication that you don't especially enjoy sex...which causes me to question the veracity of that post where you are diddling yourself in front of computer porn.
Try this: Tell your husband that you want him to rent a couple of porn videos...and you want to have sex while watching them.
Bet you will have a great time.
If you don't...then your marriage is a sham...and you should dissolve it.
he's flat out told me that I am too old to be desirable to him,that when he looks at me nude in a room with the light on that it causes him to lose his erection.I'm sorry, there's no way I can salvage anything from that and I'm not in a financial position to pay him alimony and still be able to meet our other standing obligations.I can't think of any other options at this point.
To be fair here I've informed him that he's under no obligation to keep up any appearance of marital fidelity,who he choses to sleep with at this point is not my business.
He sounds like a jerk, Tan.
Keep your chin up.
Make the best of the situation.
My husband looks at porn, if it gets him off then who cares? Why all the fuss about it? I just don't understand.
Men need visual stimulation and they enjoy it. I want my husband to be happy and satisfied and if that means he looks at porn so be it. Besides I sure don't want to have sex every day
Just to verify this: I hate porn, it does nothing for me and does not turn me on in any way. But it does my husband, I will not deny him something he enjoys just because I do not like it. I do not think it is cheating, he does not lie about looking at it and our marriage is no worse for the wear.
I think when you marry someone you are there for the good the bad and the ugly. ladies they are just pictures of women that mean nothing but a hard on for your husband. why are you so threatened?
swestover wrote:My husband looks at porn, if it gets him off then who cares? Why all the fuss about it? I just don't understand.
Men need visual stimulation and they enjoy it. I want my husband to be happy and satisfied and if that means he looks at porn so be it. Besides I sure don't want to have sex every day
Just to verify this: I hate porn, it does nothing for me and does not turn me on in any way. But it does my husband, I will not deny him something he enjoys just because I do not like it. I do not think it is cheating, he does not lie about looking at it and our marriage is no worse for the wear.
I think when you marry someone you are there for the good the bad and the ugly. ladies they are just pictures of women that mean nothing but a hard on for your husband. why are you so threatened?
Well in fairness to Tanbear...there are other dynamics in this situation.
Her husband apparently is being unnecessarily cruel with regard to his sexual feelings for her. That was something that kept escaping me.
Of course, we are only hearing one side of this story...and perhaps Tanbear bears some responsibility for why he is being so flagrant in what he says to her. But that is something we apparently will never hear.
It would be interesting to have him post his side, though.
Maybe if that happened...they could reach some kind of accomodation.
As presently explained...this is a terrible relationship...and no one would want to endure what has been explained thus far.
Man, I'm glad I revisited this thread. Tanbear, the problem is clearly not the porn, but the man, who seems like a complete a-hole, who is sponging off of you, and giving you no consideration as a woman and a wife. Would it be possible to get a no-contest divorce? That way, nobody would owe anyone anything.
Kristie wrote:You said A-hole.....
Your avatar appears to be pointing to one...
cavfancier wrote:Kristie wrote:You said A-hole.....
Your avatar appears to be pointing to one...
maybe it is...maybe it isn't.....
ok, i feel that this man is cruel. Although my man looks at porn, and i still hate it. I have kept my promise not to check up on him. I have fears still that when he finally goes to work he will end up doing it at home while i'm down stairs. i'd hate that. its odd but i think part of the enjoyment born from when he was a younger man, that it was naughty. the association of pleasure and being sneaky, was exciting, as well as the porn itself. So the more i wanted to know how long, why, etc,.. ironically my behaviour was also being re-enforced as my need to know how much and what he was looking at was only appeased by looking. So the individual paranoia got bad for both of us. Hence the worse the problem got. I think similar situations happen in this situation for most.
Its not easy to accept, esp if you haven't had it in your life before. He has to accept i'll be fine one day and a bit hurt the next. He has to accept that if he doesn't make extra time for me, put extra effort in our sex life as well as me (!) and simply be honest (homour helps here, he has started making jokes about the porn and for me if he treats it like normal and is not defensive then i'm ok with it for some reason!)
I have to accept, that he isn't going to stop, but have faith that he will not let it affect, our time together, the things he needs to do during the day, my finances.
As we are working through together, it means i am ok with doing it too. which taught me i get turned on by lesbian porn, but don't want to actually do it and he gets turned on by other stuff... but it doesn't mean HE wants to do it.
Where tanbear is i think is years of small problems and maybe a whole stack of stuff which has lead him to bully her a little. I feel you should look at him and see his insides aren't happy either. His self confidence will be down too, from what u said none of the women would actually fancy him.
EITHER:
Depending on you. Do something before him. Get fitter, i recommend the TA for fun, confidence building, meeting people and getting mini breaks on the government! (plus extra cash!!) READ HEAD STRONG, it helps you break mental and physical barriers and shows u how amazing u and ur brain is! eat healthly, pumkin seeds !!!! (u r what u eat!!) save some money - put ur cash in order so when the split comes u are ok. Rise above being nasty to him. See everything as an 'event' that wasn't either your fault, or failure. Learn from your mistakes and his. Be objective. consider why you are in the position u r. once your mind and body are in sink you will automatically think clearer and will be strong, humble, confident and happier in u.
OR face it head on. Tell him quietly and calmly. That you feel u both are out of shape and do the above, but do stuff together. Say you are clearly both unhappy - ask if he has energy let to sort it, together. reflect have u been through anything traumatic either of u - say we have a choice continue or change. Together or appart. break your routines and habbits go for a walk together, go on a date. Be realistic. If it isn't going to work. Don't waste any more time.
xxhope this helps xx
ps sorry i write waaaaay to much again. by the way, the reason this topic thread keeps going is because the internet has changed peoples lives and not everyone is used to the explict nature of porn, including the guys. it is addictive. and encourages u to go from site to site for hours and hours. we can only speculate on its long term effects on couples. I already have two friends who were in healthly happy marriages - until they got a computer. Their lifes changed. The porn was fun for them at first and then their time with their partners decreased, as they gradually spent more nights in bed on their own half suspicious of where their man was - in their own house! Where did the quick one on the sofa go? where did bring the duet downstairs and snuggle go? u see after a while gradually some men go beyond the odd look, the phase of watching every night then none for months, which is healthy and fun. They are on for ages day after day. they hide behind the 'its healthy' label waaay after it got addictive. They don't even see their partners loneliness and self esteme deteriorate.
What happens then, the reaction to being treated so, they become moody, nosy paraniod and less attractive and becoming a self full-filling prophecy... any way enough from me. xxx
"If you played your cards right...rather than like a child"
Why is it childish to express distaste for a habit your spouse has and ask them to discontinue it, if you are offended. Some people enjoy porn, some are repusled by it.
Her views are not uncommon, nor his. BUT what about the value of the relationship. As you can tell from her threads this has been distressing and the relationship has all but dissolved due to porn.
If it were Golf, Friends, Booze or something else taking precedent over the relationship, would you be so quick to attack HER VIEW.
What about the VOWS, promises etc. they made to honor and cherish each other (AS PARTNERS). IF I want to vacation in the mountains and I despise the cold, why should I go. Let's skip the vacation and keep the marriage, if it's that big an issue.
It's the lack of respect he showed for her feelings that got me. When sex is the issue, why is the woman who must be submissive and agree to everything and everytime he wants something. Sounds to me like abunch of Southern Rednecks I know. (My Wife, My Truck, My Dog, Me, My Needs).
Just leaves a bad taste in my mouth-gotta go rinse, see ya. (Just MO)
man marriage is not like some kind of bargain between people man, when one doesn't provide enough you don't hold yourself back in an attempt to make them supply more, it's not like that, you give and give and give, NO WONDER divorce rate is so high, people don't love each other!!
you HATE porn WHAT?? if you detest your partner looking at porn then something is wrong with YOU
why do you publicly and openly disrespect my views and ideas?
