So, he's not home yet? Dasha, you have keys, if you need to come here, do so at any time.
thanks, lk. i guess i'll just crawl into bed and try to read. should get offline, in case he's trying to call that he's staying with friends or whatnot. ok, i think i hear him. yup. wish me luck. good night.
eeeeeeeeesh, good luck.....
Cyber hugs.
tenterhooks - eeeeeeeeeeeek.....hate 'em.
Actually DEALING with almost anything is easier than waiting for it.
mornin'. still alive. it went 'well', if that's even applicaple. by well i mean i was able to speak calmly and wisely and the man listened. he then repeated himself, that he can't go on with the uncertainty that this is 'it' and all that. which i think is symptomatic of his other, undealt with, anxieties and immaturity. i told him several times to consider, after i leave, sittings with a therapeut and sort himself out, for his own sake. otherwise this will keep coming back and hitting him on his head - harder and harder, and he may end up extremely lonely and miserable later in life. i know he wants family, but right now he is terrified he will never be able to commit to such a thing. i only told him to think about it - how all these things are part of the same problem. which he does not solve, but avoids by escaping, and finding and creating problems by focusing and exaggerating all the negatives he can find and using it as a justification for his chicken run.
he admited also that sometimes he feels like i know him and understand him better than he knows and understands himself. well, with a family therapist for a mother, i picked up a thing or two, and had 8 years to observe him and analyze his inner workings. he is so confused and anxious right now, that it probably is even true.
it was also beautiful, in a sad kind of way. we talked about all sort of other stuff - wishes, fears for the future, hope that one day we can see each other socially, for we are both inclined to keep in touch and are on good terms. we reminisced and stuff. a very 'nice' breakup, but i will only appreciate it in some distant future. now i can only acknowledge it, doesn't really make it easier. in fact, since we both proclaimed deep love for each other, it is more difficult. if i felt he doesn't love me as much anymore, it would be much easier to move on and out - my self-defense mechanisms are quite good and i would just think, screw him, not worth my time...
i should probably crawl back to bed and try to sleep some more. i sleep 3 hours on average, not so good. i will try to read, maybe my head will plonk. i may stay here until sunday - it will be hard and awkward, but if i imagine staying anywhere else, especially in my old room in lk's house, where he used to come for weekends and stuff, i don't know if it wouldn't be actually much harder. can't decide though, will play it by ear.
dlowan, very true. september seems like a giant monster looming on the horizon - when i don't really know where i'll stay, what will happen to my visa and all that, but once it is here, i'll be in it, and i will just nibble at the monster's toes, ears, until it bleeds to death. one day at a time (which is actually something i really need to learn to like and practice - i hate not having a long term certainty in life plans)...
there's good news too. i just got an email from the guy i might work for after the dissertation - and he really wants me and is willing to do anything to sort my papers out. so i have a strong backing and that is surely a relief. plus, for me it is a dream job - ethnic conflict resolution and reconciliation, would involve lots of traveling to africa, asia, etc., doing trainings and mediation - as if he built his office on the basis of my wishlist. that will be a source of strengt. ok, well, enuf said, back to bed...
Isn't that the truth.
How are you this morning, Dag?
i was faster, suzy! i am so glad that someone listens, that, in and of itself, is very therapeutic. i talk to friends, sure, a lot, but writing it out is somehow more contemplative. it makes me realize things better. shanks for listening and compassion.
Hey dag !! I am single as well....
What say ?
Seriously though, I am really really sorry to hear abt yr break up - I just dont know what to say, I am not very good with words for these situations....
But let me assure you, you are in good company in the singles club, they just don't make men which are deserving of us anymore.....right gorgeous ?
Chin up, and now you can paint the twon red, instead of yr flat !!
Dag
It seems that, no matter what the reason, you & your friend will be going your separate ways soon. Very sad, yes. But I hope that soon your focus will be more on YOU - your own separate life - & less in his problems. He will change only when & if he wants to.
Dag--
Another day accomplished--and having that Meaningful Conversation was an enormous accomplishment.
In a week, you'll be flying. Hold your dominion.
Hang in there Dag. Rethink staying there until Sunday. It still doesn't sound like a good idea. Things were civilized yesterday but I wouldn't count on it being that way all week.
You will never understand why he feels the way he does, Dag. Never understand why, if he loves you, can't he commit. We can analyze until we're blue in the face, trying to understand, with the hopes that if we can understand it, we can fix it, but you know what? We can't.
Writing is amazing therapy, isn't it? I kept a journal thruout all of my relationships and if it wasn't for that, being able to put my feelings and thoughts on paper, I don't know how well I would have survived all of the drama.
:-) i did paint the apartment red. kitchen and study. and light olive green. but man, you should see what i did with the garden, it was a dump that no one took care of for over 10 years - saplings of maples everywhere, leaves from all those years, trash, simply horrid. now there is a luscious lawn, shrubs, flowers, herbs, tomatoes, it was my baby... i avoid going on the back porch now, it breaks my heart. though the plants are innocent.
yes, it does feel better to know he heard what i have to say. i can't solve his problems, just lay down my perspective. and leave and let him be, to think. and focus on work. and find a charming indian prince on a white horse. too bad gautam is not available! at least we can talk about men and stuff. it's good to have some men on our side, insiders, spies that help us understand men a litlle more. if only they understood themselves! ahhhh.
slept for 2 more hours, and would sleep on, but the upstairs neighbor stomps like an elephant. should file away a heap of papers that accummulated here and that kind of stuff. it takes awhile though and i don't have the energy. will call lili. yes.
dagmaraka wrote:...at least we can talk about men and stuff. it's good to have some men on our side, insiders, spies that help us understand men a litlle more. if only they understood themselves!...
Guilty as charged. Of course, we (men, that is) don't try nearly as hard to understand ourselves as regards our relationships with you (women, that is).
Take heart from this: I didn't date until age 27 (don't ask) and yet I managed to find my other half, marry, and raise a family.
It can be done.
It has been done.
You will do it!
Go get 'em, girl!
The job stuff sounds fabulous!! And this is one of those areas where romantic freedom can be valuable. I know you did the long-distance thing with E, but it can be much harder to go off to Africa Asia et al if the home fires are burning.
I really wanted to spend a semester in Europe when I was in college, but I was involved with this guy, and we were living together, and... after I broke up with him, I finally set the wheels in motion, and lived in London for a semester -- so glad I did. (Although I ended up meeting someone else -- hubby -- shortly before I left, I doubt I would've started the whole process if I'd been romantically entangled with anyone.)
Anyway, looks like good things on the horizon, Dag, hang in there.
And I agree with eoe about getting out. It sounds like you had an important and final conversation, a good way to leave things. I know you're too civilized to kill anyone and would hardly plan on sleeping with him, but you've temporarily found the happy medium in the midst of high drama, it takes a heckuva lot of energy to sustain that.
Yes, the job think put wind in my sails, that were dwindling. That also means I will be looking for a more permanent apartment, and I found one that looks good in Cambridge. Gonna see it Wednesday. I have a program packed with friends for this week, it will be tough, but time passes. Look at it, it's already 3:12 and I'll be busy until 11pm or so.
Found out I can't deal with stuff that needs some thinking - like sorting the heaps of papers that need filing and my two good friends offered to come with me, sit on the floor and get through it. Hooray. I will stay at home, i hear you all, but it does feel easiest to me and I am so bloody tired already. E is fine with it, after all, we know each other a bit. We'll manage. I prefer it.
Anyhow, in a week I'll be home.
Hey Dasha, I saw a place for rent. It's near Tufts on Cedar street, where it's 2-way.
Thinking of you, Dag. You have so much going for you! Hang in there, better times are gunna come! <Promise!
>
thanks. it is getting better, relatively speaking. at least the worst part is hopefully over. and i am 5 pounds lighter already. reading a book on genocide in rwanda helps to put my own unhappiness into perspective and makes it look petty. we communicate with E almost as before, although there is a hint of awkwardness and deep sadness behind it. he is suffering just as much, which, somehow helps. it confirms to me that i am loved and he is a fool. i'd probably feel worse if he didn't love me anymore. i sppose i am a fool too. shrug. i'll shake it all off, soon enough. good aparment is a key right now.
lk, maybe a movie tonight? i'll call.
Good morning, Dag--
Remember, this week is hard, but you'll never have to live this week again. Departure time is closer now--you can count the days on the fingers on one hand.
Hold your dominion.
