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Fri 23 Jul, 2004 06:03 am
Well. Most of you know me, some quite a bit, therefore it's all the more awkward to plunge into my own saga, but I need to ramble and I figured this here is the best place to do so.
But enough beating around the bush. Last night my man and I broke up. After 8 years. Most of it was long distance and most of it was absolutely wonderful. All you can dream of in a relationship. We lived together for the last year. He is a wonderful wonderful man and I know he loves me tremendously. Lord knows I love him too. Lately though I was getting anxious - we have been together for so long, lived together, I felt I needed to hear that he will be able to commit to the relationship for good. He has always had issues with this, tremendous insecurity and fear. I have been patient and supportive, I looked at things from his perspective and understood that it is difficult for him. But that didn't make it easier. Especially since I am a foreigner and in a year my visa will run out. And I know it breaks his heart too, but he just isn't able to do it. I know he is a mess right now too, he is frightened that he will never be able to marry anyone and feels confused, feels like he is not normal and just genuinely lost. Not tha that really helps me much. So instead of working on his fears, he is running again from what we agreed is otherwise a beautiful and wonderful relationship. He came close to proposing a few times over the last year, but always chickened out.
Since this is the third time this has happened to us, I have no choice but to walk. I am exhausted of being understanding, tolerant, being a mom to him and explain and explain how relationships work. That after 8 years, he will not have that powerful feeling as one has few months or a year into a relationship, that this is 'it', this is the right thing, forever and ever amen. My mother, a family therapist, who is frighteningly always right - not just as every mom, but as a professional, in all of my relationships so far, says I can leave myself an option to let him come back - if he comes with a ring, it's up to me. I can't think clearly right now and although I am very tempted to give him this window, I don't know if I should. Of course, I can always tell him no when he does decide to come back, but I know I would have a hard time trusting him that he won't have a change of heart again. And I know him, better than he knows himself sometimes, so I know he will need a few months, he will look around and try to date, then he might get terribly lonely and try to come back. although perhaps not, as i told him repeatedly that this time it is final no matter what. He respects such decisions, he might not try even if he's desperate. But that's for the best I suspect, we can't keep trying forever.
That about sums it up. I don't have a question anyone could help with, really. I think I am sensible enough to get through this and even get something out of it (since I usually find solace in work my dissertation may see an unexpected boost). Just need to talk not to let that big gaping hole in my chest swallow all of me. OK, going running and then to work. Thanks for listening,
Dagmar.
Dag- I believe that you have done the right thing. Eight years is WAY too long for someone to decide whether he wants to commit. In the meantime, years are slipping by.
You deserve better than that.
((((HUGS))))
I know, my brain knows that well, and it knew it for awhile I guess, even though I was in denial, but the silly heart doesn't get it. I know he is equally heart-broken, but that don't help either. As luck has it, the mason who has been postponing to come for the last 3 months is in the backyard, I am sure he will want to talk and I look like a Lochness monster. Feel like one too.
I know years are slipping by, I am only 28, which is not much in the grand scheme of things, but my biological clock is ticking like a Big Ben. I am ready for a family and I saw him as an ideal husband and father. I believed that a miracle would come true and he will be brave enough and pull through. I really really wish he had some other grave mistake, for our love for each other makes it so crushing to leave and let a wonderful thing die, just out of cowardice to deal with insecurity. oh sigh.
to let him come to that decision I would have to give him that window of opportunity. As things are now, I know he wouldn't come back, ever. I told him not to ever try and I know he won't if it is my wish. I guess I will swallow my pride and give him that much and chapter closed, move on, no waiting for it either. make it his problem, for that's what it all stems from anyway. damn perfect men. next time i'll find a loser so that i have a good reason to split. kidding, of course. and damn this stupid headache too. will just have to live with it today.
Damn, Dag, if I were only seventy years younger I think you and I could make some music together.
Sorry to hear about your problems, but that's part of life. No one, with the possible exception of Phoenix, travels through life without stumbling on occasion.
Things will work out fine for you though.
In the end, you shall triumph.
You have Uncle Gus's word on that.
Damn - heart aching in sympathy Daggles. Ow, that hurts!!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Dagmaraka)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Sure, I think it fine to tell him what your conditions are for a renewed relationship - and leave the ball in his court - IF you can also go ahead in your own life, without waiting and waiting.
Mind you - after eight years that is gonna take a while.....sigh.
It is so sad that you are so good together, but want different things in terms of commitments and such.
yup, sad indeed. at least if i knew the silly man didn't love me or whatnot. but i know he does, and hurts just as much. makes no sense to me. but i am a slovak, i have pulled through in the past, and will again. i will just not be a rare slovak with a fully norweigean name (dagmar being norweigean and his last name being norweigean). i also wish i was angry, anger being much more productive emotion than this abominable grief of mine.
i also can't quite imagine yet not seeing his family, friends, and all that. i will miss them too terribly. life is so hard, if not the hardest...
PS: Gus, I feel extremely honored by your serious reply. Thanks all.
Dag--
Better Single Again that a threesome of you and him and his hang-ups--particularly since you have a two-generation family in mind. You have a very wise and sensible mother. 'Tis a pity that your Ex needed a mother as well as a soulmate.
Hold your dominion.
Noddy, you made me smile. Kudos to you. Well hey, at least I should have no problem losing those 10-20 pounds that have been in my plan for so long. not that i wouldn't prefer to do it some other way, but it's a positive outlook i s'ppose.
I'm so sorry Dag.
(((Hugs)))
Dag--
There is always a bright side. Romantic Misery is a sovereign remedy for losing weight--and Romantic Misery is much easier to cure than TB.
We're here for you. Hold your dominion.
there it is again, a faint smile. i need more sleep - slept 2 hours last night, not well either, next to that man of mine, who was fidgeting all night too. exhausted. must go to work though, which is a good think. don't you worry noddy, i am a tough girl, if i may say so myself, i will hold that dominion until it chokes. or nearly chokes as i will need it always, i suppose.
I knew this was the place to come to. I think I feel slightly better, just dazed.
dag- Expect to be dazed. You are grieving. Give yourself time to heal. It WILL get easier, but for now, it may be a bit messy. You know that we are here for you!
You have my sympathies, and I hope you will feel better as soon as you can. You did the right thing in looking after yourself and your needs.
Quote: i also wish i was angry, anger being much more productive emotion than this abominable grief of mine.
Being angry is a natural emotion, but not being angry is not a bad thing. It shows that you have some wonderful qualities that will get you through and that someone else will appreciate more fully someday. Anger can also eat away at you; your grief, in time, will pass more or less.
Good luck to you and best wishes on your "new" life.
-Kam
Eight years. That's alot of time invested, but you're only 28. Still young and fine. And working on becoming even more fine. I think you should take it easy for awhile, don't push yourself so much, and allow yourself time to heal. You had an injury awhile back and took some time off from your excercise routine, right? Well now you've suffered another injury. Again, you should take some time off.
Lesson number one, do not allow another man to come into your life and squander that much of your time ever again.
You're gonna be okay. You know this. And don't worry. Getting over someone is a three-part process. That anger you're wishing for will show up just as soon as you get over the shock of it all. And after the anger comes the grief. But you'll survive and come out stronger and wiser. You'll see.
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