three times thanks, msolga. i feel suspiciously OK today (what the heck is going on?). slept 8 hours, after 3 beers at the end of a loooong and miserable day. i feel like it's out of my control, can't do anything but voice my opinion to the silly man and i feel a strange calm. the moving out part will suck, after all, we moved in here together, painted, decorated, gutted the kitchen and re-did it from scratch, i worked my ass off in my now lovely garden. BUT i moved every year so far, so why not move again. the silly man will stay alone with his problem. the problem won't go away with me, and will be possibly worse for him. but that is the silly man's choice. some part of me still secretly hopes he will by some mirracle come to his senses, but i am looking for apartments anyway...
Maybe a wee bit of shock, Dag?
Yes, make plans to move. (& I know how hard it is to leave a place that's "home", that you've invested so much of yourself in. <sigh>) But take things slowly, don't rush yourself off your feet to get out & see if a contingent of friends can help with the shift, while your friend's away. Much easier & less melancholy. And keep an open mind. One step at a time ... Good luck!
yes, perhaps it is shock. i feel numb. not angry, not even grieving. just feel like shrugging. an utter disbelief that the split is happening. yet i am going to look at an apartment soon. then going to a scholarly party with a colleague, then hang with friends in the evening. tomorrow, if it's nice, will go with friends to a beach. or to bike or whatnot. keeping busy.
Dag
Some time alone, to reflect, be sad, angry, whatever you feel .... is good, too.
BTW at 28 you are but a young thing!
Bright, attractive, with so much in front of you! Trust me, whatever happens, you'll land on your feet!
eoe wrote:You're gonna be okay. You know this. And don't worry. Getting over someone is a three-part process. That anger you're wishing for will show up just as soon as you get over the shock of it all. And after the anger comes the grief. But you'll survive and come out stronger and wiser. You'll see.
Didn't want to repeat myself.
As Msolga says, keeping busy is fine but you need downtime too. To scream, cry, be miserable. You've got to go thru it, baby. Running from it is not wise. The hurt ALWAYS catches up to you sooner or later. It's scary to go there but it's not going to kill you. Even if you wish that it would, it won't.
:wink:
Are you two still sharing a space?
yes. i think grief is back. comes in waves. i'll be here for another week, E comes back tomorrow - he's been at his mom's for this weekend. next week will be fun. i leave on sunday, the 1st august, for slovakia, for a month. which is heaven-sent. not next week. that is not a heaven-sent.
Yes, i am scared, and hurt. and in disbelief. i think he's a fool. i wish i could help him, because he is making a blunder not just for himself, he is messing up my life,too. i will live. and prosper. one day at a time.
There ya go.
A month in Slovakia sounds like just the ticket.
When will you have to actually move out? <wince>
Is there any chance of HIM moving out? Or would you prefer a fresh start?
Damn. I hate that you'll be looking in his face for another week. Can't he stay at his mother's? Is there anyplace you can stay until next Sunday? Of course you'll go back, hopefully when he's not around, to prepare for your trip but, living with someone you've broken up with is not good. It's torture. You'll end up sleeping together or killing each other.
Don't stay there, Dag. Don't put yourself thru that. One of you get out of there this week.
I mean no offense, Dag, but:
Are you sure you want to give him up for the reason that he won't commit to marriage? It sounds to me like he has already given you a commitment, since you've been together 8 years and have restored your home together. You love each other, neither of you wants to see anyone else, I don't get it, really. Does he adamantly refuse to ever discuss marriage? Is marriage that important to you? I'm just not understanding this.
We won't kill each other. We are very civil to each other, just utterly sad. We might end up sleeping together, but I don't think so. Though we share a bed, ha. I have no clue, I haven't even considered it. I'll see how it feels tomorrow when he's back, if it's way too difficult, I'll stay with littlek or colleague. From Wednesday I can have a mansion in Harvard Square to myself, as a woman I work for is leaving and offered it to me. Might be a good idea, you're right.
Suzy, I do not want to leave. But I have no choice. E said he can't go on living like this, with this uncertainty in him and I asked him whether he wants me to move out. He said yes. So, although he did commit for 8 years, true, he is the one with the problem and he is the one breaking the relationship. I wouldn't have, for there is no other problem. I could plead and explain and whatnot, but I feel burnt out. He knows I think it is a mistake and that I think he is running away from the problem instead of dealing with it. It will eventually catch up with him, or he will avoid solving it for the rest of his life, bringing loneliness and misery to himself. But what can I do, I can't tutor him forever. I never proposed couple therapy to him, but I am not even sure whether I should, at this stage. We agreed it's over.
Dagmaraka--
You're numb and efficient right now because it isn't safe to relax. You have jettisoned eight years of your life--almost a third--and this makes you feel unbalanced. You are also startled by your emotional elbow room. Sharing a life with a man (particularly if the man has time-consuming pet neuroses) takes up a great deal of physical time and emotional space.
Furthermore, you're enough of an honorable woman that you disposed of the old love before seeking a new one. Right now you have an almost infinite number of choices for your future--heady stuff. Anyone with common sense who has just extracted herself from a blind alley would choose to contemplate for a time instead of rushing blindly into a future.
When does your plane leave?
1st august, in a week. i saw a room in a wonderful house with a garden for affordable rent, i'd have 2 rooms. the guy looks very friendly and i am hopefully not jinxing it writing about it right now. if i had a place to stay in september, i'd be calmer. i need a long-term plan in my life and not knowing where i'll live in a month freaks me out a bit. but one day at a time, right? deep breaths.
no worries, i am not plunging into anything, i plan to do lots on my dissertation. i have friends to hang, sister to visit in cali, friends to visit in chicago, i'll be fine. if i could just make it be say october already, so that this is behind me!
i asked littlek to drive me to the airport. im sure E would do it, but I don't want to decompose into a sobbing heap in the airport as I walk away from him forever into an airplane. it was hard enough to see him drive off for work and realize i won't be there anymore in those sleepy mornings. that truly broke my heart. and each time i glance at my garden.
a little more attention to myself will be healthy though. i tend to, like many women, do all these little things for the man, without even realizing it and certainly without him realizing it. but i do know who i am and what i want, and i do go out and do my stuff a lot already. i will just continue, and accept this clump in my chest as a necessary appendix for awhile. like a disease, that needs time to heal. or giving up cigarettes - the cravings are now intense and all the time, but they will lessen in frequency and intensity over time. darn, need to get out of the house though. been here too long today. must do outing stuff. stat.
dagmaraka wrote:He knows I think it is a mistake and that I think he is running away from the problem instead of dealing with it. It will eventually catch up with him, or he will avoid solving it for the rest of his life, bringing loneliness and misery to himself. But what can I do, I can't tutor him forever. I never proposed couple therapy to him, but I am not even sure whether I should, at this stage. We agreed it's over.
You can't save people from themselves, Dag. You are lucky. I was into my mid-30's before this finally sunk in. I loved him and was sure he loved me but he just could not commit. Six years of trying to save him from himself and he could not commit.
Of course, he was one who's sad story I heard later on. These guys always come back, Dag. They always try. Hopefully, you'll be way passed all of the hurt when he does.
If I were you, I'd stay with littleK and then move into the mansion on Wednesday for some alone time. Then onto wherever it is you're going. Onto the next phase.
I have movies.....
I spoke with my sister and she seems very interested in the idea we discussed last night. She wanted to talk to B about it and then said she'd get back to me.
Actually, Dasha, your old room will be free for a couple weeks starting tomorrow evening. I'll ask F if she'd mind you staying there this week.
(So happy littlek is there to offer support...)
"E said he can't go on living like this, with this uncertainty in him and I asked him whether he wants me to move out. He said yes.'"
Oh...
Well the heck with him then.
Welcome to the single world! It's all good!
