Back in the singles' club again

It's not if ever, it's whenever. As Slappy so subtly indicated, you're not the first woman to freeze up when a man says he cares about her. If he's the right guy for you, he'll rebound and tell you again. So don't think of what you did as panicking, think of it as vetting.

some people are never ready to settle, no matter what circumstances are.
the guy is not the problem, he didn't go anywhere.

You that we raise to the high places
with painted eyes and cloudy faces
you that are made but no one finds
made out of nothing by our minds
fail me not you that we made
as the sun falls and the stars fade
you were my hope
now death to bless
leave me not crying in emptyness

Maybe. I just sense from your tone -- and I know "tone" is a problematic concept on the internet -- that you're unnecessarily beating yourself up about being "the problem". And the point I'm ineptly trying to make is, don't.

-- Your uncle Thomas

perhaps, though there is accumulated evidence of the last four years.

i come here to vent before i write something to him. that way what i write to him is more together and civilized, or so i hope.

Good strategy.

1. dump any old emails to/from The Monster
2. dump anything to do with The Monster

that you still have things that reference The Monster suggests you could try a tiny bit harder in that area

Have you had any kind of symbolic burial of the relationship with The Monster? you might need one (I recommend the Viking Burial approach)

what's a viking burial? do i get to kill him first?

before you dump those emails, print a couple of them
grab an old photo or two

rip everything up

find a container that will float (and burn - small wax-coated cardboard fruit boxes can work)

head to a body of water with some matches

shredded photos on the bottom of the box
then the shredded paper
light the paper

shove it out to see

howl or sing or shout
(so long loser works)



Last voyage

Complicated women have a long shelf life.

Reading this thread for the first time. Read some of what was written last year, then, this past month.

Dag, I mean no offense by this, but you way think too much about this relationship stuff.

A few pages back you were saying how you don't communicate with this person you refer to as "the Monster" except for birthdays/holidays etc. Well, stop that.

That's what I've been thinking during my reading, and ehbeth, as she's done before, expressed pretty much what I was going to say.

(BTW I have no idea what you mean when you talk about this person. I've heard you refer to him on and off over the years, as if everyone is supposed to know all about him. Care to provide a link or something that gives the background, and why you refer to him that way?)

Anyway....I wouldn't even do this ceremonial thing. Just get out of each others lives.

I was with someone for a bunch of years too, broke up, yada yada he got married...kid....and another....At first we did the occassional call back and forth (before emails) I even saw him once when he was vacationing in the area, him with his wife and one kid @ the time, me with my fiance/husband...don't remember if I was married yet.

by the time I saw him that one time, I think we were both thinking we were doing it to be polite.

The phone calls had stopped long before....don't know who stopped calling who first.....doesn't matter.

The thing is, one of us, when getting a message just didn't return it, and the other realized it wasn't worth the attempt to try again.

If this person emailed you and you didn't respond, you might be surprised that there may not be a flurry of concerned "are you all right?" emails following up.

In addition, I have a inkling his wife, if she knows about your communication, would be just as happy if it stopped, and if he's keeping this from her...well, that's not cool.

Come to think of it, I had the same thing happen with my first love too.

Just let him go Dag. Don't use the memory of someone as some sort of guideline to compare other people to.

As far as pursuing someone, then panicking....again....you think too much.

Dag, you love drama in your life, and if there isn't any, you'll look for it.

Others may disagree, but overall, I've found that romantic relationships happen naturally, and don't involve proving yourself to someone, or playing games.

One doesn't have to examine every aspect of a relationship in minute detail on an ongoing basis in order to understand and work the relationship every day of their lives.

I don't understand more than I understand about my husband. Frankly, I understand as much as I can stand. We've each got a few hills each of us are willing to die on, but overall, it's live and let live.

Why not try letting nature take it's course, rather than thinking you have to direct it.

You want to know how long it'll take....it'll take until the day you think about a person and realize that he/she hadn't entered your mind for a long time, and that it's not worth dregging up the memories.

I arranged an NSA date for you with a friend of mine.... you need some stress relief......

Bear, sorry, not my type. I'll be happy to pass him on to other womenfolk here.

Chai, i don't speak to The Monster actually (doesn't matter why i call him that, just a nickname. In fact I forgot how it first came about. One can just as easily substitute "Ex"). Haven't spoken to him on the phone in those four years except for once and that is also almost 4 years ago now. I did get an email for my birthday this year, but otherwise we don't email either anymore. This thread has had large time gaps in it, so some of the information on previous pages is old.

It is true that whenever I meet someone new, I automatically think of the M. It is true that I overthink. Not sure if I can order myself not to, I'm afraid it doesn't quite work that way. I have some work to do on myself, but that's more of an active type of work, not passive

So 'letting go' will have to be my own mental and emotional concerted effort, and you are right that I haven't done that yet, perhaps I even resisted that willfully.
On the other hand, beth, I don't burn photographs and letters. It's all part of my life and I have a drawer full of them, all exes, along with old friends... That drawer is at my parents' house, but I like knowing it exists.

Everybody has been burnt, but since I'm not everybody and cannot download other's experience into me, I have to deal with it my way, for better or for worse. People are different and take different time to heal and go about it differently. I am an utmost introvert, and it takes me a long time to make friends, not to mention to open up to someone most intimately. Hurt or not hurt, that is who I am. I know this and I work with this.

I am giving this guy a chance, I just asked him to slow down and give me space at first. I have to say he's very understanding and respectful. Who knows. I'm moving to The Hague at the end of the summer, he'll be in South Carolina. But one never knows.

tryin' to help... how 'bout a couple of valiums? :wink:

About the Monster, for background:
been together 8 years, he dumped me 3 times. The biggest chip comes not so much from him as a person but what this relationship did to my self-confidence. I regret allowing him to come back the 2nd and especially the 3rd time, if I could turn back time, I wouldn't let it happen now. I was young and I let him walk all over me. The third time he left because he didn't want to 'settle'. What if there is something better out there, he said. Anyway, I left that relationship as a giant mess that I'm still crawling out of. The self confidence thing translates into everything in life, and while i know about it and do try to take it on, it's a drawn out conscious effort which is a bit of a roller-coaster ride. I'm sure that it's a cyclical thing, i can't say that The M. caused my shattered self-esteem, because it was due to it that I did let him come back again and again...but he sure made the spiral go way deeper.

I know all this. I'm trying.

sorry dear, i don't do drugs of any sort. I stop at tylenol. :wink:

dag... you're attractive... smart... wide variety of interests... in great physical shape...and seem to be fun loving..... screw this ass hole..... the best revenge is living well....

Yep, I was going to say a variation of this. You said it well.



E.G. and I were both bundles of neuroses when we met. We were very lucky in that we both had been recently hurt badly and we were both slow to trust. The lucky part is that BOTH of us were in that position, so we understood the other person's perspective and appreciated not being pushed.

But we're both over-verbal over-thinkers and that works well for us by and large.

Point is just what you already said about individual differences. I'm sure E.G. would drive Chai absolutely batshit crazy, and Wally would probably drive me equally crazy. But Chai and Wally are a good match. Compatibility is the thing.

heh, i'm afraid he's an overly sensitive over-thinker too. maybe a good thing, or maybe we'll detest each other soon enough. he's eerily similar to me, perhaps more than anyone i ever met. he actually thinks like me, it's scary. when we talk it's like a tennis match of two devil's advocates, so far it's highly engaging and entertaining. we talk like two old fools on a parkbench, but then again...who's to judge. i'm happy and so is he, he says.

amen. my brain knows this :wink: