Back in the singles' club again

yeah, lk, i see that. i think it's gonna be the same for me. I don't think i'll ever really shake the Monster. Though maybe I'll learn to live with it a bit better. Damn him to the deepest hell (not really).

Luckily i'm going to Dali's for dinner, and they have those goooooooorgeous waiters. That should work wonders, it usually does.

gorgeous gay waiters. Lucky you..... tapas sounds good right now.

they're SO not gay!!!! I don't care if they are, i just don't want to know. I'm not listening LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAA!

Heh! Doesn't matter.

Littlek--

Don't despair. In your late thirties, you're going to find a slew of men who have finally decided that their first marriage was a mistake--(or perhaps their ex-wives made the decision). You also have men who have left the priesthood Finally, you have the introspective bachelors who have sown their wild oats and feathered their nests and are looking for life-long partners.

I'd never advocate returning to a time when one out of every three women died in childbirth, but that sort of mortality rate did make a lot more men available.

Semi-seriously I have an old friend with a bachelor son in his late 30's, early 40's who is thinking about marriage when he finds the right woman.

The trick would be contriving a meeting--you're at least twelve hours driving time apart.

I'm a little doubtful about the drear never-be-in-love with a wonderful man again thing. From my current perspective, re you all.

Dag,
in my early 20's, I thought I was in love with the man I'd spend the rest of my life with. We got engaged. Then there was the messy break -up and then the mind games. And yes, after a two years, he got married and is still married with two kids.

Now, in my late-ish 30's, it feels like a lifetime ago. I'm not the same person I was then. At the same time, there's something that happened that I never really understood (I never got the answer as to why he didn't want to be with me)(not that I think getting an answer now would change anything) , and yes, I still visit his blog occasionally. It's like my guilty little secret. The likelihood of us ever running into each other is slim. It would probably weird me out.

After him, I was alone (mostly) for three years. It was great. I learned to be happy by myself. Okay, it was only great after I got to the moving on bit. It was very tricky for awhile...

So, sorry for the ramble, but yeah, some of those stickies, stick with ya, whether you want them too or not. I called them ghosts the other week to someone and they pointed out the person wasn't dead. No, but the memory is still like a ghost. Can sneak up on you sometimes. Scary.

And it's still possible to find butterflies and love later in life. No, not in the same naive way of youth, but better!

Not to make light of all that is being said, just wondering if this might be a birthday thing? Life passage, new beginning sort of thing?

I dunno but myself I have a bday coming up. Closer to thirties than being in my 20's anymore. It's been smacking me upside the head in sorts of ways. Almost like I could palpably feel a shift in wind and air that I breathe. All of a sudden, at least it seems, the world looks so different. Me, my routines and my past, the people and opportunities around me, it tastes different. Might sound weird but that is how I feel.

There is a man who still sticks with me in a lot of ways. I've spoken about him here, my first 'real' love, and it ended very crazy and badly. Badly, in that it was not how I wished it to happen. But I don't regret any of it. I was young, and thought this was the person I would be with for life. The plans were laid, there was even a pregnancy involved. It all turned out so not as I dreamt it would.

I can never go back but I do still sometimes wonder what life would be like if it had all come to pass and I were with him now. Married. Children. House. Friends over for barbeques. Make up sex after fights about money. In some ways, he and that dream became like a standard for comparison for the rest that was to follow. For a long time, and it's not quite done with yet even.

And I relate to how it changes, what seems important enough to act on when it comes to a new man after all that. Respect. Respect being the big thing. Much more: so much more though about being a good person and the more stable sort of qualities in a person through time.

I could so write tonnes here but this thread isn't just about me. Yall know I am not single right now, and some of the leaps and humps i've gone through to even give this man a chance. It's sometimes hard work, more than i even thought, but is proving to be worth it. It's different. It is romantic but in a different sort of way. Sweeter, almost. Gentler. A lot slower.

Ten years down the line I dunno. No experience with that.

Enjoy the tapas and eye candy, Dag. This might just be shift of air or something.

For what it's worth, I think you are an incredible woman.

Darn those waiters at Dali's are HANDSOME! All of them! It's hard to tell if they're gay, since they're all Spanish. The accent combined with the red Flamingo shirts they wear makes it hard to tell...not that it matters one bit.

caribou, I think what you describe is pretty much how it's for me, too. And flushd, I know there will be butterflies. There have been. Heck, I even got engaged (then quickly disengaged, but the engaged part was genuine at the time). But I still think of the Monster almost every day, and definitely more so when in relationship. I'm sure that's normal, and I really cannot complain much at all. Just feeling the Springtime blues, I suppose.

I think, more than a birthday thing (which is possible, my birthday was just a week ago) it's that I was trying the whole online dating thing for about a month now. Haven't found anyone even remotely interesting there, even though it matches you with people on 29 categories after filling out a loooong questionnaire. I caught myself judging every guy I meet as a potential dating material and the whole thing sort of culminated yesterday, when I met with a friend of a friend for drinks and it was almost as a date, but not really. I was utterly burnt out after that. Which is also normal. Oh well.

Dag, you asked earlier in the thread how long it took to get over what I'll call "a very entangled entanglement".
I'm told (on excellent authority!) that it's a third of the time that the actual relationship lasted.
So do your sums & thoroughly enjoy the freedom you have left! After that it's back to business, I'm afraid!

Dali is awesome...too long since I've been there(or Tapeo's).

You gotta go to Oleana if you haven't already.

I have nothing to say on topic.

Oleana is heaven on earth, but far too expensive for me.

aye. you can't get through a dinner with wine for less than $50 or so there. Though in the summer, when they have a small quiet band playing out in the courtyard there probably isn't a better place to go for a special occassion. i'm short on special occassions, too, though.

Why is it that when you meet someone who's fascinating, and you fight to prove yourself worthy, being so cosumed by it that little else exists, and you do prove yourself worthy.... so why is it that as soon as that person says in words that he really really likes you and cares about you a lot, you feel frozen with panic and want to bow and say "that's it for me" and run as fast as legs can carry you?
Sucks. How does one get rid of the panic that turns everything into a crankyfest?

Wow. You're a weirdo.

Can understand how a guy telling you he really likes you would make you run, but not after you did the initial chasing.

Let me rephrase my first sentence. You're a female.

aaww, I hope haven't run too far away, so he can still can catch up with
you, dag.

The problem most often is, that we bring our old relationship experiences
(good and bad) into a new one, which isn't fair to either one. The key is
to accept any new relationship as such - NEW!! New love, new experience
and new person. Don't blame a new love for past failures.

You are such a beautiful, vibrant, intelligent and giving woman, any guy
who can't see that, misses out on a lot. Just keep telling yourself, that
you are an exceptional person, and for that reason alone, the beau of your choice will stick around.

Of course, none of us ever have guarantees in life, and even if this
relationship should end - you still had some memorable moments that you
won't miss out on. Either way you have won.

question. do i let him know that i'm terrified and why? or is it my problem and i should deal with it myself (which may mean i'll just run again)?
ack. where is all my theory and practice when i need it most?

eh, missed your posts, thanks guys.

i know i'm a weirdo and a reminder can never hurt, thanks, bud.

it does make me feel sick to do the chase and then wanting to run. as if i only wanted to prove to the world that i am still wanted or something... which is a very unflattering thought.

i guess in all honesty to myself, no matter how i try, i'm not over The Monster still. It's been 4 years and counting.... but whenever someone appears, there I go, stomach in a knot, digging out old emails, unable to step outside and smack myself upside my head for endulging in self-pity and all sorts of stuff i know is wrong.

i also built up this facade of a steel woman that needs nothing and is all self-dependent, while i'm in reality just ****-scared.

one giant GAH is all I have to say.

If you have known him for a short time only, I'd wait a bit, otherwise
I would tell him of your fear of commitment. The more you openly talk
about your vulnerability with him, the more he will like you.

The monster? You haven't given any new guy a chance yet, to let the
monster stand in the dust. Give him a chance to prove himself, dag.

well, i was engaged once since the monster, mind you.....but that alone was a cry of spontanneous lunacy.... and then i ran like hell again, even though that guy was also remarkable, funny, kind, smart. whiner though, which gave me excuse enough to split.